posted November 27, 2006 02:43 PM         

When I was 21 (almost 7 years ago) I met a man that I fell madly in love with. The effect this person had on me cut right to my soul. I was obsessed with him, consumed by him, and would sacrifice anything for him - even if it meant my own happiness and dignity. He told me right off the bat that he didn't want monogomy...he knew he'd be traveling for work and did not want a relationship. Being young and inexperienced I figured I could change him...turn him around. The longer I was with him though, the harder it became. I loved him with everything I had, all the while knowing full well that he was seeing other women - he was honest about it flat out. I struggled and struggled through tears, rage, and numerous outbursts. I lost 30 lbs. Finally he came around. He said he didn't want or need anyone else and just wanted to be with me. I felt triumphant...for a moment. A year later he cheated again. I ended it for good. Turns out the ending was only physical. The aftermath of the relationship would linger for years.

When it was over I was numb. I couldn't FEEL anything for anyone. In desperate attempts to "bandage" my broken heart, I made the mistake of jumping into two relationships. Men who were completely wrong for me, but somehow made the "sting" not as sharp. They said they loved me, and I told them I loved them too...but I didn't. Deep down I knew I didn't feel it, and never would, even though I desperately WISHED that I could. For 3 years my heart still ached for the one who had broken it so badly. It became a cold vault locked to everyone and everything. Empty, desolate, and alone.

5 weeks ago I met someone who has shaken me yet again. Every time I see him I can feel my heart healing, and growing once again. Just looking at him brings such warmth and happiness to my soul. The sound of his laughter just lights me up inside, and it's quickly becoming my favorite sound in the world. Hours with him seem like minutes, and days feel like hours. I had forgotten this feeling...forgotten what it was like to be with someone who's mere presence can be all that you need for pure bliss and euphoria. Unfortunately along with the happiness comes the memories of hurt and heartache.

With the men I had dated before, I felt control. I had the reins and I knew they couldn't hurt me...because I wouldn't let them into my heart. With this man it feels perfect...almost TOO perfect. I keep trying to back away, I keep worrying that if I talk about him to people or if I seem happy and excited I'll jinx it, and it will all be over. I'm on constant watch, just waiting for him to screw up, just waiting for a reason to walk away so that he can't hurt me. I know it's wrong of me to place this baggage on him when he hasn't done anything, but I'm so, so, so afraid. I'd love to just let go of the past, and allow myself to feel this, but I'm so afraid of losing it all...AGAIN...and never being the same. How can I let go? How can I confront the fear, and how can I bring myself to believe that I'm worthy and deserving of this?

posted November 27, 2006 03:35 PM         

The way you fold the old into the new is by setting your bar higher.

Meaning, if this new guy says to you, I don't want to commit. I'm not ready to commit. Then, you know he's operating below your bar, and thus, you'll have to choose not to go there.

But if he doesn't say those things, and he's giving you himself, and learning you as you're learning him, then there's no need for fear. Just remember, a date is just a date, a day is just a day, a moment is just a moment. Let love grow. Don't start imagining the whole pie, when you haven't learned what's in the filling yet. Get it?

And that's what I learned.

Hope that helps!

posted November 27, 2006 04:40 PM         

This will become a self fulfilling prophecy if you let it. When he does not call right away- what will be your first thought? If he neglects to tell you where he has been or if he goes out of town on business, what will you automatically think?

Being able to form a solid relationship means you must stop using the "old brain" from the previous relationship and start using the "new brain". That doesn't mean it will be easy but you must go into it with the feeling that this can be a good relationship but keep your eyes open for red flags.

I met my wonderful husband after leaving the worst relationship of my life. Even though I had been through hell, I knew I could not hold that against my husband. Instead, I put back the suspicious feelings I had cultivated while being with the ex, and trusted Bear. I knew instinctively though, from the first meeting, that Bear was cut from a different cloth than the ex. Bear is everything my ex is not; Honest, faithful, loyal and loving.

Thank God I didn't use those tarnished glasses when I met him.. I could have lost the one person in my life that makes everyday beautiful ....

I'm not saying it will be all flowers and sunshine. Sometimes you just can't help but get those "twinges". When Bear and I have a miscommunication (he has an ex from hell too) we work it out. We are honest with each other and that makes us stronger.

He knows all my fears, hurts and guilt.. and I know his.

Kick back and evaluate what you want and what you are ready to have.. then it will happen.

posted November 27, 2006 09:28 PM         

- O

posted November 28, 2006 05:01 AM         

And for selfish reasons, because, I had to actually check twice that I didn`t have written that message. But no, it was you.
And still, I could have written exactly the same things.
Just in my case I`ve been 15, when I completely fell in love, and it wasn`t a "real" relationship, only an infatuation. You could say, a fantasy-relationship. Back then I would have preferred to call it a "relationship based on spiritual, astral, telephathic contact". I`m not sure how much of what I experienced then was real. But it seems it doesn`t matter. Even if it was all just "a movie in my mind", I still ended up heartbroken and decided 4 years after it all started that I needed to move on and forget that "crazyness".
It seems I never did. The wounds stayed with me. I`m still not sure how an "imagined relationship" can cause you such blissful happiness and then such deep pain and depression.
The effect still linger inside my soul. Yes, I know how crazy that sounds, but no matter if we had a spiritual contact or if it was all my imagination, I believed it was real, and my feelings and the effect it had on me were definitely real.

"When it was over I was numb. I couldn't FEEL anything for anyone"
I felt the same. It was like my life had ended, and I was dead without having physically died. And then I froze. I actually wrote a little story about those feelings, hoping to melt a little bit.

"Deep down I knew I didn't feel it, and never would, even though I desperately WISHED that I could. For 3 years my heart still ached for the one who had broken it so badly. It became a cold vault locked to everyone and everything. Empty, desolate, and alone."
Yes, exactly what I felt and did.

DD

posted November 28, 2006 10:23 AM         

Pidaua - You got it right when you asked what I would think when he didn't call right away, or when he went out of town. I've already had a few incidents where I've freaked out prematurely, but he always seems to pull through and then I feel terrible for jumping to conclusions. I know it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I definitely don't want that. I haven't really let on to him that I'm full of suspicions and angst, and I'm trying to relax and give him a fair shot, but it's so hard to let that armor down.

Librarian - Thanks for the male perspective on this. I'd like to talk to him about it, but the feeling I get is that he may be just as afraid as I am, and because of that we've both been very cautious about revealing too much...as far as feelings go. He was different right away though, in that he talked about exclusivity with me almost immediately. He knows I have a jealous streak, which doesn't seem to bother him much as he has one too. I know that he had a difficult relationship with a woman that ended 10 years ago, and she had cheated on him numerous times. He told me that it took him nearly a decade to get over it, and he purposely avoided relationships during that time. He said that he's healed, and has a lot of love to give, but we haven't talked much about how we "feel" towards one another. We analyze the relationship often, I think just because it feels so unusual and foreign, at least to me, to be this compatible with someone on so many levels.

I'm comforted by the fact that when he's on the phone he refers to me by name, or just by "girlfriend" which leads me to believe he's told friends and family about me. He's always telling me how beautiful/smart/funny I am, but even with all of this I STILL feel weary. I'm reluctant to talk to him about anything that I fear might scare him off - family problems, friend problems, worries, etc.

On one hand I don't want to do anything that could cause me to lose him, and on the other hand I have this nagging feeling that if it's going to end I want to be the one to do it. All of this even though there's no ending in sight! We haven't even had a fight at this point. I just feel out of control...I want to confide in him and tell him things, but I'm so afraid that I'll end up scaring him away.

posted November 29, 2006 11:50 AM         

Pisces called me last night and left me a message. Broke my heart because he sounded so upbeat and happy, but I had so much going on...I just didn't know what to tell him so I didn't call him back. It's hard when a relationship is new...I don't want him thinking, "this chick's got too many problems...I don't need this." Ya know? You never know how he'll react...I just can't concentrate on anything right now.

Why can't things just turn around for my family? Why can't we just have some peace, and allow some GOOD things to happen?

I'm so furious with my sister...I could've killed her yesterday when I found out she took my mom's ring.