posted October 30, 2013 12:49 PM            

The notorious "he's just not that into you"

The well-meaning [of course!] "if he wanted to be with you he would be with you"

The absurd "everyone has been there and they have moved on, so should you"

The more aggressive "your love is not real you don't know what love is and i do"

Or just "wake up sweety, he doesn't care about you" [which is all the more laughable seeing they haven't met him or even the girl they advise so insistently]

We hear this in moments in which we would have never said anything like it to anyone. We hear this from... whom?

The head more or less knows that this is just a self-deluding physiologically frustrated being that speaks, who doesn't want to you get a lovelier wedge of life's cake than theirs turned out to be.

And sometimes unforgivably lovely it is. As in knowing you're loved despite everything. As in knowing you're remembered after several years of void and nothingness. As in having a telepathic connection and feeling the pain of another person at crazy spatial distances.

And well if your story is different from all those dumped crybabies, you just know it. Bright minds advise moving on and cord cutting, telling you to delve into sexual self-objectification and join a dating site. They keep epically failing at finding love even on one of those.

Which makes their anger even more mental. You are not allowed to say you have a psychic connection with a lover, because the only psychic connection these ladies get is with their toaster if they are wide enough awake. Or maybe with their washing machine when it gets round to spinning?

Yet, being paranoid, you get this little voice in your head saying "what if she is right?"

And even if she was? The one who relishes her own cruelty towards you will always be what she is, a loser at love and all things human, without a grain of love or compassion inside her. She will not make him "just not that into you" just because she wants it so freaking bad. It's basically none of her bloody business. She wants your humiliation just so she could thrive on it - perhaps instead she should load a new portion of washing.

She's got no story to cherish even though she claims the contrary ["of course i've had, and it was real unlike all this bollocks you've made up for yourself!"]. But ones with no love inside them never do.

posted October 31, 2013 03:53 AM            

No one outside the relationship can judge.
If she's being abused then yes, listen to the advice and get out.

But.. If people are saying negative things without knowing the partner just because they don't like them for reasons which have nothing to do with relationship then bugger off. Or trying to discredit your partner becuase you have personal grudges against them.

The "omg what do see in him" "He's this and that blah blah.."

Do you know him? No. So don't critisize another's relationship when you have no clue what the dynamics of that relationship is.

That was my vent.

But I get what you are saying.

posted October 31, 2013 04:00 AM            

Which is why a good foundation is key. If you have a solid foundation, nothing and no one can hurt your relationship no matter how hard they try.

posted November 02, 2013 06:05 PM            

quote:

---

No one outside the relationship can judge.

---

Very true!

This is what I have been saying in all the "dating book" threads.

andstuff -
Those classic things some people say to rain on your parade - are just regurgitated things they've read elsewhere or heard in mainstream media.
They are much like people who claim astrology does not work because there is no scientific way to prove it does.

posted November 02, 2013 06:12 PM            

quote:

---

She wants your humiliation just so she could thrive on it - perhaps instead she should load a new portion of washing.

---

It is not to thrive on it.

Most people are not so evil.

The thing is - they are scared. Fear is the root of a *lot* (if not -all-) evil.
They are scared to have their own hearts broken. They are scared to trust their instincts so they read articles, dating-books, self-help books, written by so-called "professionals".. They feel a sense of safety in having someone else tell them what to do, so that they don't have to get it wrong on their own.
They feel a sense of safety in behaving in a pre-determined way and having rules and imaginary lines drawn in the sand.. like, if X crosses this line then he is not that into you, and you stop talking to him.
It makes everything linear and simplified.. ^
They think this will save them from heartache, but heartache is a part of life and you can't run away from life and experience.

If a woman says this kind of thing to you - usually it is said because they say the same things to themselves and they believe it.
The women who fall for this 'jargon' are also the ones who would be gullible enough to believe esoteric things in general are *bs*, astrology is *bs* - and the only thing that matters is mainstream science.
It's the exact same mindset^

It is distrusting your intuition as a spirit and a soul - and giving away your decision-making power in favour of whatever is socially acceptable at the time.. or whatever a professional person tells you - you should do.

posted November 04, 2013 10:07 PM            

For some reason, I felt extremely happy today, and have been more often. It's amazing what a break from all the negativity can do for you, when it's a decent break. But I've felt like this for a few years now: http://www.elsaelsa.com/forum/relationships/being-erased-loneliness-disappointment-etc/ - and it didn't keep me from being happy for others.

posted November 06, 2013 09:29 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by sugarflapjacks:
Wow, andstuff, this is deep. Thanks for posting. I think most of us women have been subject to the cruel things other women say when we bare our souls over a lost or unrequited love. I don't know if these things are said with malicious intent since you really can't "hear" the person's voice. I remember posting on a website about a romantic rejection I had and the first responder was so mean and judgmental. I wish I had your words to say to her.

---

Glad you found this of some use. Guess I needed to explain this to myself more than anything, I used to overreact and get really upset. If it ever happens again, I intend to say "I am sorry you are incapable of having sympathy/ compassion at this stage of your life, I imagine it must be really hard for you, whatever the reason for this bitterness. I wish you the strength and patience to get yourself in a better place". Hardcore trolling, but still

posted November 06, 2013 09:37 AM            

One word: insecure.

posted November 07, 2013 03:23 AM            

Personally, I compliment pretty/beautiful woman. I mean, if I can see it then guys see it too. I dislike how women in general physically critisize another for no good reason. :/

I knew someone who didn't like her bf looking at other women which is impossible! They're everwhere. It's not like he would drool over them or be disrespectful towards her (the gf). Even when a waitress was taking an order, he wouldn't make eye contact and he instantly looked uncomfortable because he knew his gf was watching his every move and if expression seemed suspicious to her then she would start an argument.

Oneday she and I had a talk and I brought this to her attention. It was just ridiculous. She had issues with herself and punishing her bf in this distorted way. He was faithful and loved as she was - she was attractive! But she didn't see herself this way. Tsk, tsk.

Their relationship ended eventually. Cant blame him.

posted November 07, 2013 07:31 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by andstuff:
Glad you found this of some use. Guess I needed to explain this to myself more than anything, I used to overreact and get really upset. If it ever happens again, I intend to say "I am sorry you are incapable of having sympathy/ compassion at this stage of your life, I imagine it must be really hard for you, whatever the reason for this bitterness. I wish you the strength and patience to get yourself in a better place". Hardcore trolling, but still

PS a person I considered my best friend did this to me. so i knew every bit what she meant.
PPS another friend was going on about how rare love is and how i won't find anything similar to what i lost any time soon and exactly 2 years after her boyfriend all but got his hands under my skirt, and prob would have if i had been wearing one instead of jeans. i felt like a total idiot for not seizing the opportunity to take revenge [my reason was i was so fond of him i didn't want him to do low things like cheating ]

---

Your would-be response was similar to how I responded here to somebody on a post about how I was missing my TF, even though I'm engaged to someone else. The respondent was saying how wrong it was of me to be missing my other half (because it happens to be a man) while engaged. That I needed to end my engagment.. blah blah blah I responded in kind with something along the lines of "I'm sorry you don't know what it's like to love more than one person at a time. I can't imagine how lonely you must be."

I don't understand this need to try and diminish or discredit the feelings shared between two people when it has nothing to do with anyone else.

posted November 08, 2013 02:24 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by LionFish:
Your would-be response was similar to how I responded here to somebody on a post about how I was missing my TF, even though I'm engaged to someone else. The respondent was saying how wrong it was of me to be missing my other half (because it happens to be a man) while engaged. That I needed to end my engagment.. blah blah blah I responded in kind with something along the lines of "I'm sorry you don't know what it's like to love more than one person at a time. I can't imagine how lonely you must be."

I don't understand this need to try and diminish or discredit the feelings shared between two people when it has [b]nothing to do with anyone else.

Jealousy is an evil thing. [/B]

---

I don't know what it's like to love two people at a time either But I can allow of a possibility thereof. I don't think I would enjoy this, having this desire to find everything in one person. Guess if your fiance' couldn't satisfy some of your needs, was normal to have a longing for another soul, not by any means an aberration of yours

posted November 08, 2013 02:33 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by charmainec:
Andstuff, they make such comments because they are insecure about themselves.

---

Yeah but it tends to manifest itself as aggression. The typical dialogue is

"you really are insecure, i suggest you sort out your life"
"no i am not you are look at you..."

To think some mental woman started emailing me to tell me how my lover from the past didn't want me because "if he loved me he would be with me". I had never seen so much hatred towards me at once. Was pretty pointless asking "what is it to you if it is so or if it isn't, why are you going out of your way to make this point?" - just more insults and whatnot.

[the truth turns out to be more or less that he didn't want me to deal with his problems that are kind of dire and could sort of make my life miserable, objectively speaking]

posted November 08, 2013 04:05 AM            

I posted a 'sysnastry' if you will chart of woman that did all what you said to me, as she just couldn't stand me being in a relationship. Ironically after she did all that she started (actually half way while i was in the relationship she started) "the 'he's not into you...he doesn't like you etc...oh btw this guy and that guy looked at me today amd i'm so attractive blablabla..." she did all that even after knowing that he was asking me to move with him to his country.
Back then i was naive, a friend just a friend in my world as i'm not like that, so didn't know about people with the worst of intentions sticking closer, and my saturn return was made ten thousand times worst due to what she did after that, and how she ended that relationship for me without closure.

basically yes not all people are evil, but some very evil people stick to someone who has what they think should be theirs and who they secretly dislike only to knock it out of another persons hands.
Of course they do that while pretending to be 'friends'...or else how would they get close to do that?

Another thing i learnt, i share almost nothing of my love life with other females...guys on the other hand will give you two things. Firstly a males perspective, which is what you need, as men don't think like women, so the opinion is more honest.
secondly if a guy befriended you he probably does care about you and will watch out for you, so will give you an honest opinion without any 'jealousy' thing going on. so more honesty with them basically.

anyway a lot of truths in this thread..

posted November 08, 2013 09:54 PM            

Look - life is a bit*ch.. and no one is perfect, but if you cannot forgive, you can't be happy.

Some of this is exaggerated.. Calling these girls evil is going too far. There are many women on LL who go around giving that kind of advice. It is often silly advice - just like the dating books "rules" (because it's the same old stuff).. but they are not doing it for evil reasons or to humiliate anyone.

quote:

---

some very evil people stick to someone who has what they think should be theirs and who they secretly dislike only to knock it out of another persons hands.

---

Well the thread was not about one specific woman who wants a specific man - and who is jealous over his girlfriend and tries to break the two of them up.

posted November 09, 2013 02:40 AM            

And let me get this straight....in your mind saying to go a to a man for advice on what goes in a man's head....and to not be fooled by people is bad advice?

posted November 09, 2013 04:17 AM            

I have been literally stalked by someone here on LL who seemed to be looking for opportunities to say something to undermine me and my story. This was followed by "I don't read your threads and I don't care about you" (which is why she reads my threads and goes out of her way to make her point, uh-huh)

posted November 09, 2013 04:39 AM            

but also one thing i'm thinking due to all the misunderstandings already taking place here...is it really fair or reasonable to expect all these girls to give you an objective opinion, when lets face it, they haven't been through what you have been through so don't really understand. They refrence manuals and tv shows and books because in their mind they may be thinking 'where have i heard of that before, oh yeah yesterday on tv this must be the same'.....

when in reality an 'i don't know'...or 'i don't know what to tell you, but i hope things get better' would give you all the support you need when feeling down. instead of more punches like 'get over it...or he never liked you'...but they do that because they have no experience and for some reason many people find it challenging to say they don't know, when they simply don't.

posted November 09, 2013 05:06 AM            

Well I'm glad I never watch that TV (my tv is gonna broadcast football tonight )

posted November 09, 2013 09:46 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by NoRainNoRainbows:

whose playing tonight?

---