|
Author
|
Topic: Really Depressed
|
bluesky
Newflake Posts: 19
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
|
posted October 05, 2014 06:43 PM
  
These past few years have been awful, ever since Pluto moved into Capricorn and we've had Libra transits, I am just allergic to them.
Parts of 2012 were very happy but the last 2 years and particularly after my 40th birthday this spring, seem to have been awful. I thought things might get better after 40 but my work has been roundly dissed and I just don't have the energy any more. I have given up hope of ever making any money, I have had problems with alcohol and constant jealous backstabbers, have had to go on antidepressants (not much effect) and have had it with people, work, life and everything. I had CBT and this stopped me feeling suicidal and made me more positive for a while but whenever I am getting better, something crops up and slaps me in the face again. Talking to so called friends is no good as they are either meanly glad you are feeling miserable and or will twist any information against you. Everyone hates original clever people and no one cares about what they have to offer or the effort they put in. I've tried stuff this way, that way, doing what people like, doing what they don't like, and nothing works, everything I touch turns to mud, and I wonder why I bother getting out of bed at all. I'm not even enthusiastic about my own work nowadays.I am so p*ssed off I can't tell you, about people taking me for a ride - I'm even starting to feel vaguely suicidal again taking the antidepressants, at least alcohol made me somewhat happy or at the very least fun. I feel like I am back to square one without alcohol, even though it was destroying me and messing with my head.
I just don't know when I will ever get a career break, I have been working for years and nothing has happened. I have limited emotional support from either parent, my mother has mental illness herself and is narcissistic (and the reason why I was suicidal for 25 years). My dad tries to help where he can financially (he had not, really, until last year) but is a *bloke* and when I try to talk to him about my problems sometimes he just gets impatient, though this male "underemotional" reaction is probably better in a crisis than if he were to pitch in??? IP: Logged |
Dreamy Fish
Knowflake Posts: 102
From: Living in my dreams
Registered: Sep 2012
|
posted October 05, 2014 11:18 PM
Bluesky,I'm very sorry that you're going through what you are and feeling that way. I completely understand how you feel that you have nothing else to live for, but please know that there's more out there for you, even though it seems completely hopeless right now. I too have been down that dark, rocky road. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even though you don't see it now. Trust that you'll survive this and you will. I'm sorry that I can't give you a reading as I don't know how but just reading your subject line drew me in to read your post. I feel the pain in your heart just by what you typed. I can feel the hurt and betrayal you feel from others who have hurt you, people who you trusted to be there for you. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself, don't fall back into that hole of addiction. Be well and take care of yourself. DF IP: Logged |
bluesky
Newflake Posts: 19
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
|
posted October 05, 2014 11:52 PM
*edit*IP: Logged |
bluesky
Newflake Posts: 19
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
|
posted October 05, 2014 11:56 PM
*edit*IP: Logged |
bluesky
Newflake Posts: 19
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
|
posted October 06, 2014 01:39 AM
I have been told many a time that if I focus on doing my own thing I will reap great rewards, but I have yet to see it - yet many have said to me "why don't you do what people want, why do you have to be so original all the time?" ...what's the point in living if you just copy what everyone else is doing?
I just wish I knew if and when things would improve immeasurably for the better. I have tried everything. IP: Logged |
cherful24
Knowflake Posts: 3084
From: chicago, il
Registered: Mar 2012
|
posted October 06, 2014 02:08 AM
i hear ya. I've had it real bad for the last 3 years. Especially since 2012...things just now are getting good but that's because i made them...I created new oppurtunites for myself. I was at a very low point, very low!! I thought about leaving this earth too although iam too much of a coward to do so, but i fall into a huge depression. I missed a whole month of work. The only thing that helped me was to finally give into it. I sit all day and all night doing nothing. not even watching tv. i couldnt leave my apt. it's like all the energy left my body. my face and eyes hurt so badly from the pressure of built up tears. Man i was really in bad shape. I struggled each day i had to go to work. Id listen to music and that helped. instead of drinking or whatever u did...i spent thousands upon thousand on psychics and astrologers. i became addicted real bad. thats what made me feel good for a few days, then id need to contact someone again.Honestly...time. my answer is time. That is what i needed and that is what finally got me out of my depression. Time is what helpd me heal from my wounds, pains, and sadness that lead me into a depression. when i was finally ready to go on about my life I new I wanted to get out of here, out of the memories. So i looked for jobs outside my city. So, now iam getting a whole new life, new people, new energy, new memories, new learning expeiriences...my mind is busy thus, i dont have time to think about the pain and sadness and hurt anymore. And i had pluto hitting me hard...i literally lost 4 people each time it hit me. IP: Logged |
bluesky
Newflake Posts: 19
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
|
posted October 06, 2014 10:58 AM
You are right about the time factor. I feel I need 1000 years for the rest of the world to come round to my reality.
Pluto has just been Oof! Squaring my Pluto, squaring my Merc and up for squaring my Sun and Uranus at a certain point. Has been in my 4th house forever and a sense of home and family seem ever more foreign to me than ever, though in an ideal world of course I would like the connection that comes from a family all pulling together - which mine never did - but my father and I are trying to make some effort - whereas my mum likes the idea of "having" a family but doesn't really want them around - there's a lot of Sag in my family - my Mum's Sun/ Merc, my Dad's moon, and my NN/ Neptune.
I am full of ideas but I just can't do them all at once as there is everyday life to attend to too and I think it was Tracey Emin who said "there are plenty of (financially) successful artists - they're called "men" ". ! IP: Logged |
cherful24
Knowflake Posts: 3084
From: chicago, il
Registered: Mar 2012
|
posted October 06, 2014 11:19 AM
it was in my 4th house forever as well...3 out of the 4 died, my dad and my 2 childhood bestfriends who where like family to my family. You still have the people in ur life.....personally u have to determine whether or not u want the stress and how much stress ur gonna cope with. I have a low tolerance and id simply do the min. and let them show more and put in more..then i'd match men. Alsways think of ur bottom dollar...is this helping you? Not just money wise, but health wise, growth wise? if not, then simply back out. If it is improving u, then readujst ur thinking and get more positive. Fake it until u make it. Stop over anaylizing. if i could do it again, i would have gotten on meds. The mental factor was 8o% of what was causeing me to be depressed. I wish i could of helped numb the over thinking and replaying things in my head...those things didnt work, nothing changed, nobody came back to me thus, it was not worth it nor was it for any reason that i was over thinking things. I wish i had moved past everything much sonner. I could of never of had so much hurt and pain if i stopped thinking so damn much.
quote:
Originally posted by bluesky:
You are right about the time factor. I feel I need 1000 years for the rest of the world to come round to my reality.
Pluto has just been Oof! Squaring my Pluto, squaring my Merc and up for squaring my Sun and Uranus at a certain point. Has been in my 4th house forever and a sense of home and family seem ever more foreign to me than ever, though in an ideal world of course I would like the connection that comes from a family all pulling together - which mine never did - but my father and I are trying to make some effort - whereas my mum likes the idea of "having" a family but doesn't really want them around - there's a lot of Sag in my family - my Mum's Sun/ Merc, my Dad's moon, and my NN/ Neptune.
I am full of ideas but I just can't do them all at once as there is everyday life to attend to too and I think it was Tracey Emin who said "there are plenty of (financially) successful artists - they're called "men" ". !
IP: Logged |
tphoenix5
Knowflake Posts: 985
From: USA
Registered: Apr 2011
|
posted October 06, 2014 01:19 PM
If I may say... Pluto in ANY of the water houses is ... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... My house burned down when it was in my fourth and two days later was when the insurance company was going to come and re-assess the value because I had added on rooms and such. It was rough. I was laid off of a long term government job, had a long term relationship go south... more south? But finally Pluto entered my fifth house and life seemed worth living again. It was like a whole new life. It is now in my 6th which is not quite as nice and health issues seem to crop up out of nowhere but .... I would not go back to the ME ... I was before the transit of the 4th. I cannot tell you how many times I tried to commit suicide when I had that transit. I thought no one will ever know how hard this is. I do know from my very old perspective that Pluto's entrance into the 5th house was a welcome change. I started dating again, dating many people at the same time and that was a first for me. I started a company. I let it go but it was good for me at the time. I have completely changed my outlook which was beyond bleak. I still have bad days... but now... I tell myself that there is good in everything ... some days the good is that the day is over.I will pray for you... but do know and accept you are not alone.... you have having the premidliffe series of events we all must conquer. Erin Sullivan writes about mid life crisises in details of the planets... Great books.. any of them... you might want to pick one up... because she was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. T IP: Logged |
bluesky
Newflake Posts: 19
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
|
posted October 11, 2014 02:43 PM
OMG I have Pluto in 4th till 2017/8 I believe - felt v suicidal & will also have Uranus on my Sun + my Uranus opposed Uranus in approx 2-3 yrs time - I feel the world is closing in on me & can't take much more - have just been told I have to move - can' t stay in current area too expensive - I am on antidepressants at mo which was fine for the first week and then a number of things appeared out of the blue and I was just oh F. I am through. I am through. IP: Logged |
bluesky
Newflake Posts: 19
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
|
posted October 11, 2014 02:48 PM
I also feel like no one will ever employ me again. Because I have been alcoholic & also because of bad press I've gotten. Much of this was not my fault and I have been working on myself but it seems every time I come up for air I am pushed under. I just do not know who will employ me. Even though I am immensely capable. IP: Logged |
bluesky
Newflake Posts: 19
From:
Registered: Jul 2011
|
posted November 04, 2014 06:25 AM
I have just been told I have to move AND I have no job. I have no confidence in myself, I am so knocked, I feel like everyone has taken my energy and I have nothing left. I have tried antidepressants and they don't work either. I just ended up feeling worse. It seems like nothing helps and nothing can gather momentum. I put on an upbeat face but inside I feel so down much of the time and this seems to be my default - has been for much of my life, I feel constantly miserable. IP: Logged |
ungumuda
Newflake Posts: 24
From:
Registered: Jun 2014
|
posted November 04, 2014 11:13 AM
Oh I'm sorry about that bluesky, I hope everything will going to be better for you. Remember every darkest sky has a shining ray
*hug*IP: Logged |
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
