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Author
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Topic: 2 frightening dreams
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Eleanore
Moderator Posts: 1040
From: North Carolina
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted March 07, 2005 03:27 AM
 
Ok, here's the first one:I'm driving a school bus full of a bunch of friends (that I don't know in real life) and I'm speeding. I'm getting ready to cross over an old wooden bridge when I see another school bus tailing me closely. Then I see another school bus heading straight at me. It's a one lane road so one of us would have had to pull over and, since I'm on the bridge at this point, I don't really have a choice. I see a blinding flash of light and we've crashed, all 3 of us buses. I see bodies flying out of the roof of the school bus which has somehow been completely lost in the accident. I catch on fire. I dive into the water below. I don't really feel any pain, but I see the burns beginning to blister. I begin to give thanks because I'm alive when I see a shark that would've put Jaws to shame rushing at me while, on my other side is a huge alligator doing the same. I swim as fast as I can to the shore line and the gator turns away but the shark manages to cut my right leg down the side before I get out of the water. I'm bleeding alot but I can tell it's not a deep cut and, again, I begin to give thanks for being alive. I look up at the trees and the sun and there are all my "friends" hanging from the trees, dead, in all sorts of contorted positions. I wake up with a headache.
Dream 2 the next afternoon: There are 3 parts to this dream though I can't really remember the first two parts very well. All I know is that someone or something is trying to kill me. After straining my brain a bit I remember white walls, a door, and a black, scaly, abnormally thin hand with freakishly long fingers trying to grab me. Here's the third part of the dream: I'm walking with a real life friend and two other guys I don't know through some kind of an animal sanctuary. It's all natural but there are people working there to take care of it, I guess like forest rangers but it's more of a jungle all around. Anyway, the entire terrain is very hilly and there are lots of little lakes around the pathways. My friends and I are walking to some huge, old, deserted manor on the highest hill in the center of the sanctuary. They're talking loudly and ignoring the animals but I notice that there are lots of crocodiles around. Then I notice one gigantic crocodile that keeps circling us as we walk. It's like 50 feet long or something, I mean absolutely humongous and it's black as onyx with equally black eyes. I tell my friends to be careful because there are "alot of crocs around and it's mating season" but they ignore me and continue talking. We get to the house and begin to clean up. Apparantly we're planning an early afternoon party there the next day because the house is going to be torn down or rennovated soon after. We decide to sleep in the living room since the place is so huge. I get the couch and they sleep on the floor in sleeping bags. I wake up (in the dream) and I see this huge black, scaly tail trying to wrap itself around my left ankle. I scream and kick it off, and look to see what the heck is going on. I see that big old crocodile has wrapped itself like a snake around my 3 friends. He's already begun to eat one of them, head first. The guy I actually know in real life is being squished by the tail so hard that his eyes are beginning to pop out of his head and he barely manages to hoarsely whisper "Help me". (This took about 2 secs in the dream.) I run out of there like lightning, hoping to get help. I make it through the sanctuary and reach the street where people have started arriving for the party. I'm yelling at them not to go but they're ignoring me. I see my ex-boyfriend  show up with some weird looking kid and he completely ignores me when I tell him about the crocodile. I finally flag some girl down in her car and borrow her cell phone to call the police. Turns out her boyfriend is one of the guys in the house being squished by the croc. I dial 911 and the friggin' police is now an automated service "If this is a life threatening situation, press 1. beep What is your name? beep. What is your exact address? beep. Please hold ...."  I begin to really panic. I stay on hold while the girl and I walk back towards the house and there are now a heck of a lot more people gathered around, waiting to go to the party. I tell them what's going on and some of them go get guns. We decide we're going to try to rescue them ourselves. We're running like maniacs back to the house to fight the croc and hopefully save somebody, me still waiting on hold for the police ... and I wake up in sweat and am completely disoriented for about 5 minutes while my poor husband is trying to understand what the heck I'm rambling on about a crocodile.
***
Anybody care to give their unbiased opinions/interpretations on these? They've had me a little worried. I've come to some theories on my own, but I'd really like to hear some fresh perspectives on them, as well. Any insight at all would be appreciated. Thanks. ------------------
"This above all:
to thine own self be true,
And it must follow,
as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false
to any man." - Shakespeare IP: Logged |
Ra
Moderator Posts: 3883
From:
Registered: Apr 2001
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posted March 09, 2005 04:38 AM
Haven't forgotten you, Eleanore.  IP: Logged |
Ra
Moderator Posts: 3883
From:
Registered: Apr 2001
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posted March 12, 2005 03:42 AM
Hello Eleanore The first dream seems to reflect a situation, perhaps a life lesson (school bus), that you are "at the wheel of", and it may be out of control (speeding/crash), but that cannot be avoided. Are you "getting burned" in this situation? What is threatening to "devour" you (shark/alligator)? The dead friends probably symbolize aspects of self, or aspects of relationships with others ... what part of you or your life has ended, or feels like it's being "killed"? And why do you suppose you are "giving thanks" in the dream? I mean, how do you think that could relate to a waking life situation? The second dream suggests that some sort of change is coming in your life (tear down/renovate), that some part of your old/past self or an old/past situation, is ending and you are looking forward to something new (party), while remembering the old. But here comes the alligator, messing things up. The alligator seems to represent a situation, maybe from your past, that is either secret, hidden, or unknown/unacknowledged (black/huge). It is this unresolved issue or relationship that is keeping you from proceeding towards the "something new". Who is ignoring you? What are you seeing that others do not? What has you feeling helpless or frustrated? (automated 911) Panic? What are you trying to save or maintain? Does any of this help?  IP: Logged |
Eleanore
Moderator Posts: 1040
From: North Carolina
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted March 14, 2005 10:51 AM
Okay, so my intuition was guiding me along those same lines but I was, perhaps, hoping to be wrong. Everything you said is actually quite applicable right now in my life. The life lesson I'm at the wheel of is awaiting the birth of my first child. I do feel sometimes as though maybe I'm not ready for this but then other times I feel like this is the best place for me right now (those darn hormonal fluctuations). However, I am getting "burned" in relation to my in-laws though that shows up more significantly in the 2nd dream. I do feel like a part of my life has died since I've moved away from all family and friends (military husband) and we're starting a family on our own and far away. I think I'm giving thanks because, in reality, I think we'll fare much better as a family away from all the influences of being back there. Again, the 2nd dream is closely linked here. I do feel like it's my life that is being torn down and rebuilt in order to prepare for our new arrival. I do feel it's for the best and I'm very happy, but the past is always knocking at my brain (not the happiest of childhoods here though my parents and I have made amazing leaps and bounds towards making things right and now everything is really great with us). I feel like I want to pass on all the good things my parents gave me without any of the bad, you know? Anyway, this darn alligator is my mother-in-law. The secret and hidden thing is huge ... she doesn't know I'm pregnant. They'll be coming up to visit at the end of this month and my husband will be telling her what's going on, etc. (They have an absolutely awful relationship.) I do feel rather stuck because I'm naturally an honest person and having had to keep this a secret from her, even though I don't want to have anything to do with her, is making me feel like I'm ashamed or something ... but I'm not. She is the one who ignores me ... literally. She'll call to speak with my hubby and asks how the hamster, the dog, and even the fish is doing but no mention of me at all. It's like I don't exist to her. It took my hubby a while to recognize her many clues that she doesn't like me ... we finally realized that she is trying to make me the scapegoat for their awful relationship. She was a very abusive mother, though she'll never admit it. She kicked my hubby out when he was like 15 or so and he's been fending for himself ever since. They never had a good relationship. Then he joined the military. Her new husband is an ex-military man himself and now her son is seen as acceptable. Now he's just great. But my hubby still feels the same way he felt about her and he knows she's abusive and manipulative, etc. So he never calls her, writes to her, or makes any effort to contact her. So now, she's telling people that it's me ... I'm the reason her son no longer talks to her. I'm "that girl he ran off and married". Anyway, you get the point. I feel helpless because, being about 7 months pregnant, there isn't much I can do when they come here if things get out of control (when I say she's abusive, I really mean it). I'm afraid she's going to physically lash out at us and try to hurt me, my hubby, or the baby. We just want to tell them (by them I mean her and her husband) how we feel and, barring some miraculous epiphany from her and an admittance of her mistakes plus a request for forgivness, we're going to let her know that we no longer want her to be a part of our life nor our baby's life because we honestly feel she'd be nothing but a negative influence. I don't think she's going to take that very well, since she's thinks she's Mom of the Year or something. So, yes, I guess I'm a little panicky about that. We've even been thinking about letting the security around here know in advance that there might be trouble. <sigh>
Anyhoo, yeah, at least now I know that my subconcious was making no jokes about this. We'll see how it goes, eh? Thank you so much for taking the time to go through this for me. I really needed an outside opinion on this.  ------------------
"This above all:
to thine own self be true,
And it must follow,
as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false
to any man." - Shakespeare IP: Logged |
26taurus
Moderator Posts: 7005
From: the stars
Registered: Jun 2004
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posted March 14, 2005 03:41 PM
Eleanore,I just wanted to let you know I had read this and thought on it but couldnt come up with anything. I'm glad you have gotten some clarity on it. Your mother-in-law sounds like a very unhappy woman. And it's not good that you feel you might be in danger and those feelings are even showing up in your dreams now. Do not give power to these thoughts. There are ways to negate them. What you are thinking might happen you are actually manifesting or attracting to you. I suggest talking with your HigherSelf and angels and asking for extra protection when she comes to visit. KNOW that you are always protected and nothing can hurt you unless you allow it, know this in your heart. Ask for protection and visualize a protective shield around you and your husband that no harm can enter. Maybe say some mantras like, "I am always protected by the Higher Powers. Nothing can hurt me, I am ALWAYS protected from harm. Nothing can harm me unless I allow it. So be it." And give thanks to the powers that be that they are always there for you and protect you always. When you see your mother-in-law send her peaceful thoughts or say PEACE mentally as you look into her eyes. I'm sure you know about these things but I wanted to reMIND you. Best of luck.  Love Light and protective energy towards you. IP: Logged |
Eleanore
Moderator Posts: 1040
From: North Carolina
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted March 14, 2005 11:40 PM
You're absolutely right, 26taurus. I really do try to keep positive and not be afraid. I've been thinking about doing a cleansing on the house and perhaps setting up a special protective barrier with a spell of some sort. I've been researching and am coming up with some fairly simple ways to bring a sense of security into our life. But it just can't be helped that she is the way she is. My husband is very much aware of her dangerous temper and her physical reactions. She's no Cornish pixie, either, weighing in at about 325 or so. At 5'4" that's a heck of a physical powerhouse. We know there is a big chance that she'll lose it ... my husband actually suggested sending me to a friend's for that night just in case she goes nuts. After talking with his sister, though, he realized that as cautious for us as that may be that it would be neccessary for me to be there with him and for us to present a united front. Seriously, I feel like I'm trying to get the fortress prepared for a known attack. I don't think she'll hurt us badly, but I can in no way control how she reacts or feels or what she does, you know? I do KNOW that we'll be relatively safe and unhurt, all things considered, but again, this woman is just something else. My husband has decided to meet them initially at a public place and to have a talk with them first and begin to broach the issues we've discussed. If she seems to be handling the situation, then he'll bring them over and we can try and sort this whole thing out like civilized adults. Otherwise, he doesn't even want her seeing where we live, etc.
Geez, this sounds like something from COPS or whatever. It's so crazy to me to have to be in the middle of this. The funny thing is that I was at first very much about him trying to fix his relationship with her and be forgiving but no matter what he says or does she is just cruel and manipulative. For example, we were at a family dinner at their house. She is appalled that I'm a vegetarian. There is plenty to eat on the table that is non-meaty, like potatoes, bread, salad, rice, etc. I go to sit down and she just calls out to me, in front of everyone, "I know you can't eat anything we've made for dinner so how about some lettuce and tomatoes in a bowl?" They proceed to have dinner at the table while I'm left standing with my lettuce and tomato bowl in the kitchen. Then she decides to talk about my husband in front of his family members. "We're so proud of him for joining the military! He's always been such a loser that we never thought he'd amount to much. <laughing>" The woman is just unreal. And there is a history of violence ... documented by the police and HRS, etc. So we know what we're dealing with here. Anyway, sorry for the rambles. I really like your mantra. I think I'll incorporate it into my protection plans. I know our Higher S-elves are looking out for us. But I also know we have something to learn from this experience ... like how to deal with toxic people in your life before things go too far. Maybe it's those darn maternal instincts kicking in that are making me feel like I have to keep everybody safe, that I have to provide a safe environment for us, that I have to keep away from any and all dangers, etc. The nesting instinct is starting to kick in, too. Maybe I wouldn't be as worried if I wasn't pregnant I guess. Thanks for taking the time to go through this though. I really appreciate it. I'm definitely going to keep PEACE on my mind and pray for a healthful resolution to this for all involved. ------------------
"This above all:
to thine own self be true,
And it must follow,
as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false
to any man." - Shakespeare IP: Logged |
26taurus
Moderator Posts: 7005
From: the stars
Registered: Jun 2004
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posted March 15, 2005 01:06 PM
Wow Eleanore. I can see why you are nervous about this meeting. What a peice of work. It's sad isnt it?I too thought about it from the standpoint that there is definitly karma going on here and there are lessons to be learned. That although you are protected this is still something that has many lessons (and possible dangers) involved and who knows how they could turn out? I think the protective measures you are looking into are great. And I'm sure it is your maternal instincts that are kicking in, among other things, that are working to prepare for this. I think the meeting might be better off taken in a public place as well.  That could make things a little less comfortable for her to lash out. Be firm in letting her know that you two are grown adults starting a new life and will not put up with any negativity on her part. It is unnecessary and undeserved. She needs to take a good look at herself first and foremost. I wish you both (and your new addition) all the best. IP: Logged |
Ra
Moderator Posts: 3883
From:
Registered: Apr 2001
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posted March 15, 2005 02:01 PM
IP: Logged |
Eleanore
Moderator Posts: 1040
From: North Carolina
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted March 15, 2005 09:49 PM
Thanks so much! I'm so glad I could come here, share, and walk away feeling like I accomplished something with your help guys! Keeping a positive attitude here!  ------------------
"This above all:
to thine own self be true,
And it must follow,
as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false
to any man." - Shakespeare IP: Logged |
26taurus
Moderator Posts: 7005
From: the stars
Registered: Jun 2004
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posted March 16, 2005 12:24 AM
IP: Logged |
Ra
Moderator Posts: 3883
From:
Registered: Apr 2001
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posted March 16, 2005 03:44 AM
IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 7456
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted March 16, 2005 03:17 PM
ah, heck, one more can't hurt.
IP: Logged |
NosiS
Knowflake Posts: 57
From: Miami, FL, USA
Registered: Apr 2004
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posted March 16, 2005 11:17 PM
Good luck, Eleanore. You are in my prayers. You will be fine. IP: Logged |
Eleanore
Moderator Posts: 1040
From: North Carolina
Registered: Aug 2003
|
posted March 25, 2005 07:10 AM
Ok, so, my husband is working night-shifts. I can't sleep well if he's not home so, as of late, I've been staying up all night and going to bed with him when he gets home. Today I had my big mid-pregnancy visit at 1:30pm ... they checked me out as usual but I also had to take a glucola test and other various blood and urine tests. It was a 3 hour visit and since we didn't get much sleep before (hubby got home at about 8:30am) we were looking very much forward to sleeping in the afternoon. He has a really long night tonight thanks to some meeeting he has to go to this morning. We had just gone to bed at about 4:00pm when, 2 and a half hours later, the phone begins to ring. And ring. And ring. After about 60 rings (not exaggerating) my husband gets up in a fury to answer the phone. Surprise! It's his mom! They're here ... in NC ... just outside the base ... we "need" to get out there to welcome them over and show them around. Is this normal?
After a confusing and disorienting attempt to get dressed and make arrangements with a friend to come over "unexpectedly" just in case anything was going wrong that needed to be interrupted ... we leave to meet them about 9 miles away at a Taco Bell. If I had had a camera to record the look on his mothers face when she saw me emerge from the car with this big 29 week belly you would all have a clear picture of the absolute horror this visit is threatening to become. "You're pregnant!" she screamed out at the top of her lungs, causing passersby to stare. "OMG, why didn't you say anything?" My husband is busy saying hello to the rest of the family ... because, of course, they brought the grandparents (they're really nice but don't speak any English) and the dog with them. His sister is just sitting back staring at us (she's really nice, too). Since my hubby falls into his typical attitude of dealing with his mother, ie, ignoring her ... I spend the next 15 minutes staring silently at her while she continues to ask me why I didn't tell her. I finally just pointed at my husband. I was feeling so cranky and just plain exhausted as it was that I knew the minute I opened my mouth we would be in trouble. I haven't lost my temper in a long, long time and I certainly wasn't wanting to do so then. Silence was my best policy.
His mom finally asks him why he didn't say anything and he just throws his sister under the bus ... "my sister knew!" Oh, that poor girl. Mind you, he told her and then begged her not to say anything to them in the first place. He got nervous and he apologized to her later but, clearly, the damage has been done and she will be hearing about this for the rest of her life. She knows this.
So, we proceed to lead them to our house. When they walk in the door, their little dog growls at our dog (understandable since she's just been in a car for 12 hours and is 13 years old) when he goes to sniff her. His mom ... "well, you need to take that dog and tie him up upstairs somewhere". I put his leash on him and wait for my hubby to come up with a plan (I'm too exhausted and worn out to even want to be awake) since our dog is not allowed upstairs since he hasn't been housetrained yet. After about 1 minute of me standing there holding our doggie on the leash so he at least is out of their way, she asks me if I'm "just going to walk him around the house or put him away upstairs". I calmly reply that he's not allowed upstairs and that I don't know where to put him. Hubby finally catches on (he's been busy catching up with his grandparents) and suggests the laundry room ... it's the biggest room with a door that we have downstairs but the poor dog is afraid of the w/d when it's on and he generally avoids that room anyway. But what choice did we have? Off goes our poor dog to wait in the laundry room. Then the family gets a guided tour of our little home. His mother is absolutely shocked that our home is "so nice". (The first time she saw our old apartment she was in utter disbelief ... "I thought you guys would be living in some kind of rat hole.")
They realize that it's about 8:30pm and my husband has only a couple of hours to get ready for work, so they decide to leave ... but, of course, I need to escort them to a hotel around here since they don't know any and didn't make any reservations anywhere (my hubby can't drive atm so I would have to be the one driving). They are leaving tomorrow at noon but, before they go, they are going to breakfast and we are "required" to be there.
And then it begins. His step-father broaches the issue of my pregnancy. "We need to tell you both something. We are very disappointed that you didn't tell us she was pregnant. There is no reason for that. No excuse. What? Did you think we were going to kidnap your baby?"
So, my hubby starts off and then I continue ... the reason we didn't tell anyone at first was due to some complications that turned out to not be complications at all but that could have been quite serious. We didn't know, basically, if I would miscarry or not. So, naturally, we didn't want to tell too many people since it was such a difficult situation for us. The reply from his mother, "That's no excuse." I am fuming at this point ... how dare she tell us what is or is not a reasonable reaction in that situation? Pardon my french but, WTF? (Mind you, that was just the beginning of the story relating to the first 2 or 3 months ... there was much more to get into.) So I interrupt her ... "Yes, well, I told my family as soon as we found out but I am not responsible for telling your son's family about our pregnancy. That was his decision." I was about to say that I supported his decision 100% for a whole slew of angry reasons and just jump into the whole we-don't-want-you-in-our-lives-anymore-for-obvious-reasons-you ... knock, knock, knock our friend is at the door. Perfect timing. Things were about to get ugly. In the back of my mind as this whole visit was going on, I was praying for patience and grace. It was my mantra. And so, when my patience was about to run out, grace appeared as a timely interruption. Our poor friend, though. He was just the center of attention. He mumbles about an awkward silence after being introduced. Everyone laughs. My MIL begins to explain what happened ... they decided to surprise us with a visit because she was "feeling mommy pangs" since she never talks to her son any more and he doesn't call or visit her ever ... and, of course, she had to come up to "check that he's being treated well". Hubby replies that he's getting four star treatment and couldn't ask for anything better and his mom just sighs and mumbles something like, "well, ok, whatever". After more attempts at guilt tripping him, "you never call or visit, you don't take time for your family, etc" they decide to leave. Our friend, heaven bless him, sees that I am utterly put out and offers to drive and lead them to a hotel with my hubby.
By the time they left, I didn't know what to do with myself. My hands were literally shaking. I called my mom and she was just plum horrified. Who does this sort of thing?
Anyway, I tried to get some sleep. I need to get showered and ready for my "required" breakfast with them in 2 to 3 hours. This is it. I know they're expecting to get into this whole thing at breakfast since we didn't get to last night. Of course, we are expected to sit there quietly and take it since they are our elders (read "superiors") and we should in no way talk back or disagree with them in public. His sister managed to write a note, in a dark car on the back of an old Krispy Kreme Doughnuts coupon, before saying good-bye to him last night and slickly stuffed it into his hand. It reads, " Tomorrow you both need to be prepared and blunt. The problem here is a lack of communication. Get it all out." She's a Sagittarius, can you tell? His mom is a Gemini. No idea about the step-father but he seems like a Leo or a Sagittarius.
I'm going to try to be as calm and patient as possible ... I am not going to let them wear me out again today, nor do I desire to be upset again ... I don't need that right now and neither does our baby. So, hubby is going to ask them to listen to him. Once he starts talking, though, we know they're going to interrupt him and get loud. He plans on interrupting them and saying, quite clearly, that there are things he needs to say and that they would do well to listen. If they refuse to listen, then he will tell them that he and I can just walk out of the restaurant and we never have to see each other again. *Hubby, btw, is furious ... so furious that his typical Aquarian, Moon in Libra friendliness and desire for peace is flying out the window only to be replaced by his cold and calculating Ascendant in Scorpio.
So, if anyone has had the time to read through this exasperrating drama, I'm asking you to please send hubby and baby and I some energy and positive thoughts ... happy, loving, peaceful thoughts. Thoughts of a calm and quiet resolution.
Oh, yes, I am sorry to bring this all into this forum but it was the only place this issue had been brought up before and I really needed to share this and ask for some light. Thank you. 
------------------
"This above all:
to thine own self be true,
And it must follow,
as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false
to any man." - Shakespeare
IP: Logged |
Ra
Moderator Posts: 3883
From:
Registered: Apr 2001
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posted March 25, 2005 01:59 PM
Unreal.Good luck, and be careful with that baby. IP: Logged |
26taurus
Moderator Posts: 7005
From: the stars
Registered: Jun 2004
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posted March 26, 2005 02:58 AM
Eleanore! I just read this.
I'm sending lots of peaceful energy and thoughts and protective energy your way! I cant believe all of that!!!! 
I hope everything is alright. I'm at a loss for words atm. I'm hoping it all went okay. Please let us know. IP: Logged |
Eleanore
Moderator Posts: 1040
From: North Carolina
Registered: Aug 2003
|
posted March 26, 2005 11:49 AM
Hi, guys. Thanks for the positive thoughts. Hubby and baby and I are ok.
The "breakfast" turned out to be something strange indeed, but not physically violent at all. Thank the heavens for that!
My hubby, running on no sleep, arrived home at 9:30am like he said he would. We were supposed to go to breakfast because they knew he'd be exhausted from work but they weren't ready until 11:00am and so we went to lunch.
We arrived there at 11:30am since the spot they chose was so very far from us. We walk in and I am asked to go get my food while hubby remains at the table. His sister joins me. I return to the table to find that my hubby is receiving a speech from his step-father but I missed most of it and walked in on the last few words. My hubby is sitting there with his head down, just listening. Then his mother starts talking to me. Essentially, she said that it was my responsibility to love her regardless of whatever my husband has said about her and that it was very wrong of me to be so distant and not tell her about the baby. I told her that I was basically in the middle of something that I originally had nothing to do with ... that whatever problems lay between her and her son were theirs and that whatever his decisions were in regards to how he wanted to handle this situation were ones that I needed to respect. She replied that she didn't know what I was talking about and I told her that there were many things that her son needed to discuss with her. Hubby is looking at me with pure admiration at that point. So she says to him something like, "Oh you have things to say to me? Great, then we need to sit down one day and have a talk." To which he replies, "Why don't we go for a walk now?" "Ok." And so they leave the restaurant and I'm left at the table with the grandparents, sister, and step-father. Naturally (or unnaturally), his step-father picks up the discussion with me. We proceed to have a 30 minute discussion, calm and civilized though perhaps too loud for the comfort of the folks trying to eat right around us. At some points which I did not register, everyone else left the table. Basically, this discussion revolved, from his perspective, on how my hubby is strange and has all these made up ideas in his head about his mother, that no matter what, she is his mother and, "even if she was a serial killer" it's his duty to love her and forgive because she's his mother, that it is my responsibility, as daughter-in-law, to reach out to my MIL regardless of how she dismisses or disregards me, indeed regardless of all the negative assumptions she has made about me, and show her that I love and accept her as the woman who brought the man I love into this world. I proceed to tell him that, originally, I was the one who would encourage my hubby to call home. He didn't want to. I didn't understand. I talk to my family everyday on the phone. He began to tell me that he had problems with his mother. I encouraged him to be loving and forgiving and to make an effort to salvage their relationship. Then he began to give me details about his childhood. And I had to choose. I had to choose whether to respect my husband's wishes or reach out to a woman whom he didn't even desire to speak to. I chose my husband. However, in doing so, I was wedged into a family battle that had very little to do with me in reality. But, from their perspective, I became the villain, I ended up looking like the bad person. I was the reason that they didn't speak, I was the reason he ignored his family. But that's untrue ... their problems existed long before I ever came into the picture and it was just easier to try to put all the blame on me than it was for them to try to sort out their own issues.
His step-father listened to me quite attentively, which surprised me greatly, and he admitted that I had some very good points. He was also glad to hear that I had originally encouraged my husband to reconnect with his family. But he said that all the things that my hubby had in his head about his mom were wrong ... they were lies. His memories are all flawed and she is a wonderful person. She may be a difficult person at times, but she loves him and has done "everything in her power" to be a good mom to him. He ended by saying that he hopes that they are able to sort this out because he wants to be a part of our lives. He understand that hubby's biological father is involved, but that the man is "trash" and even though he (the step-dad) is not a blood relative, he has a big right to be our baby's step-grandfather. I told him that any decisions that were to be made rested entirely on the discussion my husband was having with his mother.
So, we leave the restaurant and go outside to find that hubby and his mom have been having an all out argument, in the parking lot, in front of everybody. When we walk up to them, she immediately begins to tell her husband that the "big deal" here is that she "was so concerned about me last night that she kindly asked us to put our dog away so that [I] and her unborn grandchild would not be in any danger of an attack". That my hubby thought she was a bad person because she didn't buy him a car. And she was laughing. I'm just looking at the floor with my eyes closed and praying for guidance. The three of them walk off and I'm left with his sister. I decide to keep my mouth generally shut and pick up as much information about the situation as I can because I realize that there is no way this thing will be settled today. His sister proceeds to tell me that her mom is right, that her brother has all these "made-up ideas and feelings" in his head about his childhood ... that, ignoring the 5 year difference between them, she has different memories and her mom is a good person who has never done anything to deserve this anger. I gently try to explain to her that, for example, in my own family, even though my sister and I are only two years apart, we both have highly different recollections of life in our home as children ... and that my mom and dad also have highly different recollections ... that this is because we are individuals and, what one of us internalizes and forms memories about is not what everyone else is necessarily going to internalize and form memories about. She began to look a little upset and so I dropped it.
Hubby and his parents return and he is looking distraught but with a big smile hoisted onto his face which looks, to me, so out of place that I wanted to run up and hug him but I was side-tracked, immediately, by his mother. She begins to tell me that my assumptions about her are wrong. I interrupted her to say that her assumptions about me were wrong. She glared at me for a moment and continued as if I hadn't spoken. She is a great mom. My husband has problems in his head for which he needs to see a psychologist. He is delusional and has made up things about his childhood that are complete lies and she has her daughter's word to prove it. She provided her children with a home that most kids would be envious of and gave them all the things they wanted and needed (she proceeds to name tv's, steroes, nintendos, gameboys, etc.) that she was unfortunate enough not to have as a child because she grew up as one of "three kids in one bedroom". She has been a success. Her three previous failed marriages are not a problem. She never married any men who were in anyway unkind to my hubby. The problem was his father who is a "piece of cr*p". Because of him, she was forced to get 3 jobs to support her children on her own and he (my hubby) better appreciate all the sacrifices she's made for him. She may not have had "the luxury to be home at 3:00pm everyday when they got home from school to help them with their homework" because she was busy working all day to come home and then go back to work until 2:00am. She says that if "[I] have that luxury then that's just great for [me]" but that I still need to do what I can for my child (which is her passive-aggressive way of saying that she disapproves of the fact that hubby and I want, above all else, for me to be a stay-at-home mom because what she (MIL) did was better since she provided them with all the material things that we aren't able to afford at this time). She says that the problems in our relationship (me and hers) is that I haven't reached out to her, that I have believed all the lies he's told me about her, and that that was wrong of me. Then she proceeds to explain to me just exactly the kind of child my husband was ... he was a troublemaker, he had so much potential but he wasted it all because he's made bad decisions, he dressed "disgracefully", he had friends who influenced him to "party" too much because they were drug addicts and alcoholics and their families were unrespectable, she was right to take his college money away because he dropped out and use it to buy his sister a car because she a "perfect student" and she actually deserved it, etc. She was not going to tolerate any disrespectful behavior from her son and she kicked him out when he became to unruly for her. She helped him out later because his "father is a loser" and wouldn't help him out when he had nowhere to go and he needed, at the time, to obey all her demands and rules and live his life as she dictated and that, now, he needs to be grateful to her for that. She goes on to say that it's ridiculous for my hubby to still be upset about things that he thinks happened "so long ago" and that he just needs to get over it, love her, and welcome her into our lives because she has every right to be a part of our baby's life.
I, ignoring the numbing shock that is beginning to settle around my solar plexus, begin to tell her that, again, her issues are with him, that there is nothing that I can do for her about this and that, again, whatever he decides is best for him and us is what we're going to do. Then the step-father's mother gets involved to tell me that no matter what I'm "wrong". I married him and, in doing so, I am obligated to love his mother no matter what and be grateful to her for bringing him into this world for me. I need to reach out, regardless of how she treats me, and estabish a loving and "respectful" relationship with her because she is now my mother, too, and has every right to be involved in our lives and tell us what to do. Then she blesses me in the name of God and hopes that we can all be happy together since that is what is best for our baby.
I am at a loss for words at this point. Literally. I have never felt so shocked, numb, and disempowered as I did at that moment. For me to even begin to try to explain to them how I feel would be like trying to go back to the beginning of recorded history and trying to explain to those early people what electricity and computers are, what a civlized nation is supposed to be, and what equality and human rights are. I would have had to attempt this in a parking lot in front of a crowd of strangers that are working on repairing the sidewalk and that have gathered, as discreetly as they could in public, to hear the drama unfold. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. I didn't know how.
So, I just stayed quiet while they all smiled in triumph and hugged us all good-bye and went on their merry way to continue their road trip.
Hubby and I walked out to our car very slowly. I asked him what the thought. He proceeded to tell me that he was confused. That he knew how he felt but that his step-dad had said something to him that had really gotten to him. He had told him that we were the only family he had and that he wanted to be a part of our lives and then began to cry. He also told my hubby that no matter what, he was born into this family and has a duty to make the best of it. He needs to try and save his relationship with his family for his sake and for our baby's sake and that, if after another attempt it fails, that he can walk away.
And so, despite everything, my hubby wants to try to be the better person and try, once again, to reach out to his mother. His intentions are honorable and he believes, as I do, that forgiveness is very important. He feels that, karmically, he has to try to come to some resolution about this so that this relationship doesn't continue to haunt us all into the future. So, he's going to write her a letter - a long, detailed letter explaining exactly how he feels about what and why, the things that he wishes her to admit and apologize for, the rules that we have in our family that need them to respect, and the behavior and boundaries that we decide to be appropriate in our home and around our family from them. If she can accept this, show some humility, and agree to our terms, then he will be willing to give her a second chance and try to rebuild. This, to him, means a phone call perhaps once a month and a visit maybe once a year. That is tentative. The outcome to all this remains to be seen.
Thanks for the support. I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner but this has taken alot out of me and I needed to rest and bring my mind into order. I guess we'll just wait and see how this goes. I am going to keep praying for a peaceful resolution that is best for all of us involved. I am going to think positively and visualize a future where, regardless of whether or not they are in our lives, my family is safe, healthy and happy. And I am going to give thanks for the patience, grace, and guidance to face whatever comes our way as positively as I can and overcome any obstacles that are seemingly in our way. Thanks again. ------------------
"This above all:
to thine own self be true,
And it must follow,
as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false
to any man." - Shakespeare IP: Logged |
Ra
Moderator Posts: 3883
From:
Registered: Apr 2001
|
posted March 26, 2005 01:11 PM
I'm exhausted just reading about it. IP: Logged |
26taurus
Moderator Posts: 7005
From: the stars
Registered: Jun 2004
|
posted March 30, 2005 12:14 AM
Hi Eleanore,I read this the other day and kept meaning to get back to it but every time I got sidetracked. I'm so glad everything turned out 'okay'. I'm glad you all were safe.
You wont believe this but I could hear threads of my own family drama in your hubby's relationship with his mother. Yes, it's true. I wont go into all of the details. I will say that I do not think that just because someone is related to you by blood that that automatically means you have to try and make a relationship work with them. In my opinion, I dont think we are obligated to stay in unhealthy relationships that dont seem to get any better no matter what you do, just because the person is a family member. I wont go into all of my reasons why. I'm sure you probably understand anyway. I think it's great that hubby is going to give his mother another chance and write her a detailed letter about his feelings, where he is coming from and what needs to be changed to have a positive relationship. The rest is up to her. I hope things get better for all of you and your relations can grow into healthier ones. If there is one thing I have learned from my family it is that everyone sees things through their own eyes and recollections. One will accuse the other of lying about something, that things did not happen a certain way and so on, but if you can step outside of yourself and look honestly at what the person is saying you can see that they are usually not lying. They are only telling things the way they saw them, through their own filters and emotions. Most people cant step outside themselves and look at it that way though and would rather play the name-calling and blame-game. Especially in families. *sigh* I know how it goes. Anyway, I'm glad to hear things worked out the way they did. They couldve been better, but they couldve been worse too. I think it's great what you are doing with visualization and prayer and trying to stay positive. I know you and your husband and your new baby have a great life ahead of you. You just know that with some people.  All the best to you.  Take care.
26 IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Moderator Posts: 7456
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003
|
posted March 30, 2005 01:04 AM
woah.
I read each and every word and wow.
You strike me as the kind of person who knows what the deal is. You know what you want and can also adapt to strange situations.
I wish you continued strength and insight. There is a point for empathy.. but there is also a point for self preservation. If this situation exceeds one of those things, or all of those things, which bring you comfort, and you can't bend enough to support the things which mean the most to YOUR family, not the family he grew up with, then don't bend further than you can.
When the going gets tough, focus on the immediate joy. Let the peripheral noise blend in the background.
Congratulations to you.
Here's to tolerance and loving someone enough to work through the ugly stuff thats thrown on the table when you merge your issues as well as your lives.  IP: Logged |
Eleanore
Moderator Posts: 1040
From: North Carolina
Registered: Aug 2003
|
posted March 31, 2005 11:45 PM
Ra
Oh, I'm glad it wasn't just me. Thanks.
******
26taurus
I firmly agree with you about blood not making a relationship necessary. In my own family growing up we've had quite a number of ordeals and well, let's just say that plenty of our supposedly "close" family relationships have just faded away ... and thank heavens. I also agree with what you said about perspective. My sister and I argued for a little while in our early teens about what life at our house was really like when we were younger. It didn't take us long to realize that we (1)had different memories and perspectives and that (2) we couldn't just invalidate each other's thoughts and feelings because they weren't our own. We decided to agree to disagree on some things, but we did manage to see each other's point of view about most things.
Thanks for your positive thoughts and encouragement.
******
pixlepixie
Thanks. Really. Tolerance and love ... oh thank God/dess for those, too, lol. I was talking to hubby today about this whole thing. He's kind of realized on his own that, no matter what efforts he makes, no matter how hard he tries, he can't change his mom. Even if he poured his soul out on paper for her, she'd still wipe her rear with him and his feelings. She is who she is and she likes being that way. And we can't change her, nor can we honestly expect her to change just because we don't appreciate how she chooses to be. So, it's either let this go now without any further drama ... or drag it out for a few more years before letting it go anyway, meanwhile exposing our family to this negativity. I think he's now leaning heavily towards just letting it go and letting her know that this is a parting of ways for them. I'm praying for him to receive guidance and insight and to do what, in the end, will be best for all concerned. Thanks again.
***
I'm such a mush but I love LL. So there.
------------------
"This above all:
to thine own self be true,
And it must follow,
as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false
to any man." - Shakespeare IP: Logged | |
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