Author
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Topic: My first ever Poem
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moonshine Knowflake Posts: 599 From: UK Registered: Oct 2004
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posted January 22, 2005 05:26 PM
BlockedStifled Unable to speak A gaping hole A shell Something’s missing I feel it deep in me I’m just an outline Of the person I wanted to be A coward, Jealous too. Pretending to be satisfied, Because fear stops me from making a move. Living in the shadows, Living a half-life, Unable to feel real emotion, Believing in my lies. Oh, I thought I could handle it - It doesn’t matter really No-one’ll be bothered, just me - But I didn’t realise just how deeply. I need to re-connect With myself again Put myself on the line Allow myself to feel real pain. I want to be the me I want to be Free of negativity. I want again to create, And feel genuine love, not hate. Now let this be a lesson: Always follow your heart. Do not be a coward Do not stop before you start. -- Um... what do you think? I know its not perfect and the structure etc isn't probably correct, but i wrote it from the heart, just now. Please be honest IP: Logged |
monad Knowflake Posts: 366 From: Registered: Dec 2004
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posted January 23, 2005 06:40 AM
I think you need to focus on using positive language, leave out the negativity.Keep it simple and easy to remember.
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moonshine Knowflake Posts: 599 From: UK Registered: Oct 2004
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posted January 23, 2005 08:51 AM
Oh thank you monad for your comments Yes, it is pretty negative...! But i was feeling very low when I wrote it so it is an expression of that. Its how I really feel about myself - but I really am working on changing myself for the better. After having written that poem, I did feel more positive — I guess it had a cathartic reaction.Im hoping that, by digging deeper and working on myself, I'll get through the tunnel and out the other side, and maybe start to see the world and myself more positively. Thank you very much for your comments. I really appreciate it. IP: Logged |
Dynamic_Stillness Knowflake Posts: 248 From: London Registered: Dec 2004
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posted January 23, 2005 09:15 AM
Moonshine, I really, really, really loved reading your poem. I especially enjoyed the rhythm and the tonality of your words. It was very striking. I personally don’t mind the so called 'negative' stance even though I would rather you feel good, I think sometimes some of the most beautiful and powerful poetry can come from what we perceive as 'negative' and of course your writing proves this... Isn’t it funny that the only reason we know we are feeling good is because we know what it is to feel hurt, in a strange way our feeling good is sometimes dependant on feeling bad but that's what makes the play of life...anyway I've written far too much when all I wanted to say was that I really, really, really love your poem. May this find you well, Akash.
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moonshine Knowflake Posts: 599 From: UK Registered: Oct 2004
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posted January 23, 2005 03:02 PM
Oh thank you Dynamic Stillness, for your words...they brought tears to my eyes! I'm glad you enjoyed it..I've read some of yours too - i understand what you mean about the dulaity of pain and happiness - I can see that you've expressed it too, in your poems. They are really beautiful. I especially love Hide and Seek. much love, Monika IP: Logged |
miss_apples Knowflake Posts: 632 From: white bear lake, MN, USA Registered: Oct 2004
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posted January 23, 2005 04:26 PM
Moonshine,I love it. I think its good to put the negative thoughts down on paper, it helps to get the negativity out of you! Now you should write your second poem about something positive and beautiful now that youve gotten all that negativity out. IP: Logged |
ghanima81 Knowflake Posts: 1287 From: MAINE! :) Registered: Aug 2003
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posted January 23, 2005 04:53 PM
It's very cancerian... there are a lot of alliterations in there that lead me to that conclusion... and I like it. It's never a crime to say what you truly feel.And be a coward when you think it's right, there's no shame in that, love. "It was not conscience that made me do so: it was a sort of cowardice. I take no credit to myself for trying to escape." "Conscience and cowardice are really the same things, Basil. Conscience is the trade-name of the firm. That is all." Ghani IP: Logged |
26taurus Knowflake Posts: 10916 From: dead Registered: Jun 2004
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posted January 23, 2005 06:11 PM
I loved that moonshine. Poetry is not always meant to be sunshine and bubbles. It's often a theraputic expression. I wouldnt describe it as negtive, more "in-touch" with and releasing your deep feelings. Truthful. What is "negative" anyway? Just a position to eventually experience positivity from.I found it very Chironian (is that a word?). Also watery, Cancerian like Ghani said. Well done. Cant wait to read more from you. IP: Logged |
NeoKitty Knowflake Posts: 595 From: Heaven Registered: Dec 2004
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posted January 23, 2005 08:08 PM
That brought back memories of long-ago, for me...As I was reading every part, I was saying 'yes', 'yes', 'yes', totally me. I absolutely enjoyed this...i love how it brought the memories of what I felt, and how I am now, and how much strength and change I've been through. Thankyou ------------------ "And dreams, don't ever forget, are the first step in manifesting wishes into reality"-- Linda Goodman's Star Signs IP: Logged |
Randall Webmaster Posts: 24335 From: Columbus, GA USA Registered: Nov 2000
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posted January 24, 2005 11:54 AM
I didn't see it as too negative. ------------------ "Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark IP: Logged |
moonshine Knowflake Posts: 599 From: UK Registered: Oct 2004
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posted January 24, 2005 06:01 PM
Oooh.. Cancerian, really? I have a cancer rising! what parts in particular sound crab-like? And which parts seem Chironian? I'd be very interested to know, as a student of astrology. Yes, the poem was therapy to write - For once I tried to be honest with myself and face my deepest fears, in the hope of exocising some of my demons...after all, i can only blame other people for my problems so much.... at some point I realise I do it to myself too (and thats what really hurts, lol). So you guys are right, its not negative really, because its helped me (It just appears so ) I hope it helps others. IP: Logged |
pixelpixie Knowflake Posts: 5080 From: Ontario Canada Registered: Jun 2005
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posted January 24, 2005 06:37 PM
I also didn't see it as negative at all... just working things out and telling yourself the tihngs which are important. You identify a need and word it. That's where great insights begin. IP: Logged |
monad Knowflake Posts: 366 From: Registered: Dec 2004
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posted January 25, 2005 12:01 AM
Sometimes when writing from the heart it does sound sad. If you like you could go back and rewrite it.IP: Logged |