|
Author
|
Topic: Saturn Return - crossroads - what should I do next?
|
20DaysIntoMay
Newflake Posts: 5
From: London, England
Registered: May 2013
|
posted May 29, 2013 05:54 AM
  
Hi all.
I've just hit 29 and I'm in a BIG rut. Everything in my life needs a huge overhaul, but I just don't have any idea how to go about things. I seem to be drowning in inertia and scared to make any moves, in case things turns out worse than before. So instead, I am just coasting through my own life - almost as a spectator - and I am making NOTHING of myself.
I have an overwhelming feeling that this is my last chance saloon, to sort myself out. That if I don't put my foot on the gas now and muster up some courage, then I'm going to live this "half-life" for evermore. On the other hand, I have two children who's needs I must put first. I don't want to hugely uproot them, especially my eldest as he is starting high school in September - a big upheaval as it is.
I feel like the 6-7 week summer holidays, which start in July are probably the best time to make moves and sort out my future but I'm completely confused as to where to start! Here are some of the things in my life that need an ovehaul:
My Job
I am currently temping in admin roles part time. It's easy money and very flexible (can fit it around the kids no trouble) but it's not challenging me in any way and I want more of a secure career. I would be more than willing to re-train but I have no idea what I should be aiming for! I'm good with computers but find them boring. I'm also good with people and might be good in a caring capacity but might not have the family support to work anything other than office hours (so nursing might be problematic). I'm not bad with kids either.
My Relationship
My relationship is in a state. We communicate very well as it goes, but there are so many issues that seem almost insurmountable now. The pressure of having two kids and almost no money is killing us and we both doing feel as we used to, that's for sure. My partner is a very damaged man and can be controlling and emotionally abusive at times. He is, however capable of real remorse (which I hear is rare thing with his "type") and is always willing to accept and work on his behaviour. I am also damaged from my childhood and don't trust a soul, so I tend to withdraw. But we do argue and we do resolve issues by talking. We've never run out of things to say to each other in 10 years and still have a laugh, so that's a plus I suppose. But it's hard and we face daily barriers to successfully working it out (it actually feels like Saturn is blocking it). I don't know whether to cut my losses and walk away...
My Parents
My upbringing was appalling for various reasons which I won't bore you with now. I was really horrendous, truly. I have friendly but superficial relationships with my parents these days as that's all I can cope with for now. But as time goes on, this is wearing thin for me and I'm not sure I can continue ignoring issues that are bothering me just so I don't rock the boat. I don't know whether to confront them, ignore them to keep the status quo or just walk away from them for good.
My Weight
I'm not huge, but I do comfort eat and I need to lose about a stone. I had already lost 2 stone but I've put one back on as I'm losing the will to keep up with it all.
My Parenting
My kids are great and I love them very, very much. But I'm not engaging with them like I should be and I feel bad about that. They deserve better.
Sorry for the essay!  All in all, I feel LAZY and AIMLESS. I don't want to do anything much but I know I have to get myself out of this funk and start living life again as I am so unhappy in myself.  If anyone has any tips or advice for me on how I can do this, I would be forever grateful!  I just need a big kick up the arse really!!!
Below is my birth chart - I'm hoping that it will herald some clues as to what I should be doing next.
Thank you...
[IMG] 
Uploaded with ImageShack.us[/IMG] IP: Logged |
charlie
Knowflake Posts: 644
From: los angeles, ca, USA
Registered: Jun 2012
|
posted May 29, 2013 09:30 AM
Question 1: what would your ideal life right now look like to you?Question 2: Do you know the difference between just being in a "funk" and actually WANTING a change? If I were you, which I'm clearly not, I'd concentrate on being the best mother I could be, get a different job and start to exercise. Then I would really ask myself if the sh1t that I put up with from my spouse is worth my misery. ps I had my Saturn Return in 2005 and things have been slightly "weird" ever since. Just lots of self-realization and "awakenings" to real life. It's been hard but I feel it's slowly getting better.
IP: Logged |
20DaysIntoMay
Newflake Posts: 5
From: London, England
Registered: May 2013
|
posted May 30, 2013 05:56 AM
Thanks for your reply Charlie!I'll have a go at answering your questions - question 1 is probably the hardest. What would my ideal life look like to me right now? That's hard to say, but I would just hope that there wouldn't be so many barriers in the way of progression and success as there are now. It's been a theme in my life so far that just as I'm about to succeed or progress, something awful comes along to sabotage it at the 11th hour (including myself out of fear, once or twice). I would like for that to STOP! It feels Saturn-esq - like I'm always on the wrong road, so that's why things never work out for me. Don't get me wrong, in so many ways I am lucky: I have two lovely kids and a roof over my head. But I am not good enough as a person - I am LAZY and unambitious. And I'm doing my kids a disservice because of that. I want to be happy and for my kids to be happier. I would like to begin (and continue) a successful career and set a good example to my children: that you get back what you put in. I would like to earn a decent wage and be solvent without my partner, just in case we do decide to call it a day. Ideally, I would like for him and me to resolve the worst of our issues and stay together - I know that he would like one more child and that is something I want too, but not yet - a baby is not a band-aid, so I would only consider it if/when things become more stable. I'd like my mum and sister to be okay and ideally, I'd like to cut contact with my father completely, but I know the fall out would be horrific. I'd like to enjoy and embrace a healthier lifestyle without seeing exercise as a chore. All in all, I want a simple but successful life. I want to do well and be happy and most of all I want that for my kids as well. My eldest is kindly and very academically smart but dreamy and I don't want him to end up as an aimless wanderer like me. I had potential but he has more than I ever did and I hope he uses it wisely, as he could be so brilliant. My youngest is daft, but beautiful looking and feisty, so I'm not too worried about her! As for question 2? You've hit the nail on the head there - this isn't just a funk - it's me wanting to change my ways before I become too set in them. I really feel I have do something about this NOW! Or never... I'm putting most of my energies into my parenting and looking for other jobs. I know to progress, I need to re-train or study alongside working - I just don't know what area of study to go for!!! I also think I can get the exercise back on track, as I've done pretty well since last year - I just need my motivation back. Thanks again for taking the time to reply - I'm hoping I don't have another 8 years of "weirdness" like you did, but Saturn's a bit like that I guess! IP: Logged |
Jkitty
Knowflake Posts: 460
From:
Registered: Mar 2013
|
posted May 30, 2013 07:11 PM
If I want to see what would make someone happy, I look to the Moon so I checked your grid and saw that it's squaring your Mercury and your Saturn. Because Saturn is currently retrograde at about 6 degrees of Scorpio, you've also been experiencing Saturn transits in square to your Moon and opposite your Mercury. That explains why you've been feeling scared and inert and why it's difficult for you to think clearly what direction you'd want to go.Your Moon is in the 6th house in Aquarius, so you might want a job in which you feel like you're contributing to the future of humanity and providing a worthwhile service. Did you prioritize the order of your concerns? Am I correct in assuming the #1 thing you'd like to change is your job since you mentioned it first and also mentioned financial strain as being an issue in your relationship? Trying to work on 5 areas at once would be overwhelming to anyone in even the most ideal circumstances, so it would be good to choose one or at most two things to focus on initially. Please let me know what you'd like to look at in more depth. IP: Logged |
Enigma9
Newflake Posts: 13
From:
Registered: May 2013
|
posted May 31, 2013 02:33 PM
picture yourself 50 years from now and what you wished you did at 29.IP: Logged |
20DaysIntoMay
Newflake Posts: 5
From: London, England
Registered: May 2013
|
posted June 02, 2013 07:43 PM
Hi JKitty - thanks so much for your response (and sorry for my tardy reply - I haven't been online all weekend)!That is really interesting what you wrote about prioritising my concerns in order of importance - that was really astute! I think I actually have, but it was completely by accident! Must be my subconscious working it out whilst I'm not myself - weird! My career and lack of direction is without fail, my number one source of misery at the moment - I am neither earning much nor have any direction and I feel like I may as well be a robot - I'm not making any real difference in the world! I've got to do something about this soon and I'm scared that it might already be too late - I bloody hope not! You've hit the nail on the head with my Aquarius moon though - I feel that placement very strongly and I often think about ways in which I can make improvements for mankind. I've never known what I wanted to do really. but I want to do something amazing for at least one person out there! I think I put my parenting at the bottom of the priority list, not because I don't love or care about my kids, but because I'm not a bad mum by any stretch of the imagination - I'm actually a very good mum! My kids are well looked after. But I want to be better for them and I want to engage with them more and not be so bloody wrapped up in my own self-absorbtion! But this is rightly at the bottom of my priority list, because I don't think they're suffering as a result of my issues at this point in time. They're cool! My weight I can get under control. I'm not even fat, I just need better habits. My relationship with my partner and parents is in the middle there - probably because these are the most painful and confusing areas of my life. Those issues are hidden in the middle of my priorities, as I tend to them all under the carpet as I just don't know how to correctly handle them. I just view them as foggy areas. I'm not surprised I'm so clueless with all that Saturn action going on! I guess if I could sort myself out in my career and studies and get on a path as soon as possible, then the rest will fall in to place once I gain more direction. I hope so!  Thanks once again. PS) Enigma9 - good call - thank you! IP: Logged |
Jkitty
Knowflake Posts: 460
From:
Registered: Mar 2013
|
posted June 02, 2013 08:15 PM
quote:
Originally posted by 20DaysIntoMay:
My career and lack of direction is without fail, my number one source of misery at the moment - I am neither earning much nor have any direction and I feel like I may as well be a robot - I'm not making any real difference in the world! I've got to do something about this soon and I'm scared that it might already be too late - I bloody hope not! You've hit the nail on the head with my Aquarius moon though - I feel that placement very strongly and I often think about ways in which I can make improvements for mankind. I've never known what I wanted to do really. but I want to do something amazing for at least one person out there!
Okay! So let's focus on that. Since I'm not up on what the employment scene is like in the UK or what your limitations may be for retraining as far as time frame and financial resources, we'll need to just throw around a few ideas to see if there's anything that looks promising to you. Aquarius is a humanitarian placement and tends to the unconventional. Sixth house rules things like health, pets, daily routines, etc. You've also got a well-aspected Jupiter in the 6th, so your own health is probably robust. Have you considered anything in the alternative health care industry like massage therapist? IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
