posted December 20, 2014 03:34 AM            

She is 8. Cries everyday, not because she is sad but because she doesn't get ALL the attention or ALL the things she wants or get to interfere with ALL the things grown ups talk about? She will manipulate every situation so that she is the vicitm. When asked what is wrong she will respond with a "it's none of your business!"

She lives 50% with her dad and I and 50% with her mom and every time she comes back from her mother she is like this.

posted December 20, 2014 07:33 AM            

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Originally posted by Vajra:
Grew up surrounded by Cancer Moons so could observe them for a few decades. It seems that those who received much warmth and love in their childhood turned out very well, while those who grew up with coldness or neglect struggled a lot even as adults to grow into their power. Cancer Moon seems to need a lot of affection, including kind words of appreciation, cuddling, and soothing, while they cannot deal very well with criticism and harsh discipline because it makes them feel unloved. Now your own Cappy Moon is probably a little on the "law and order" side of parenting - not a bad thing at all, Cancers can learn a lot from the Cappy energy. But remember that children can usually handle being disciplined rather well when they feel loved at the same time; it's only when that's not the case that discipline will be seen as undue harshness. In your case, it sounds like she feels insecure - divorce can affect children like that. So, I would recommend to try and show her appreciation for everything she does well. Just tell her she looks pretty or is talented or whatever good things there are to be said about her more often; offer her warmth and consolation when she's unhappy; and phrase any necessary criticism of bad behavior in calm and friendly terms. It may seem hard to do right now if her behavior seems on occasion outrageous, but remember she's still rather young and doesn't have many options to choose from other than behaving dramatically to show her unhappiness. At least she's not internalizing it, which could result in severe psychological problems. Stay calm when she throws a tantrum, react firmly but not in an aggressive or demeaning way, and try to reward her for things she does right.

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Law and order....indeed...I was very well behaved as a child so it's at times a problem for me dealing with children, or people, that are not. Thing is she gets A LOT of love! A.L.O.T. She is cuddled, appreciated, gets to hear she is doing good things (and bad) and generally very doted on. She has even started showing attitude in school when picked up by either one of us to the point where one day her teachers had to tell her to behave nicely and they were quite frankly surprised!

Another thing that annoys me is that she will demand things being bought and given to her. We can be in a toy store and she will point at something, in her case lots of lego, that here costs quite a sum, and TELL the person with her that it should be bought. If that order is not followed she will throw a tantrum . Worst case scenario she will just lay down on floor in store, latch on to my or her dad's leg and just scream as loud as she can.

I am a tad at loss for where it stems from to be honest. But it might be, as you said, that the divorce has taken a greater toll that first assumed.

posted December 20, 2014 09:16 AM            

I do not get his emotional range.

Sometimes he scares me, like sociopath scary. Hell be fuming about getting into trouble and after I'm done explaining why he is in trouble its like a switch gets flipped and he's talking all nicely and agreeing, but you can see the taunting in his eyes. Its like they glaze over.

Hes not too much of a tantrum thrower (at 9 I should hope not) but his tone can be so whiny sometimes. It strikes a chord with my aries moon (actually his father and I are both aries moons, so there isn't much pitty going around the house).
When something is wrong it can tale a TON of coaxing to get it out. He's very guarded about his emotions. Hell lash out at everyone he loves because something has upset him and we automatically don't know what is going on (ex. A school bully)

posted December 20, 2014 10:07 AM              

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Originally posted by Vajra:
Oh my, I hear you... we went through a tantrum phase like that as well. I learned to handle those things in the following way - like you I value good behavior and didn't want her to disgrace herself and me like that. So I never even once gave in and bought her cooperation by giving her the thing she tried to get through the tantrum; that would have been encouraging her to do it again. I also tried to stay very calm and didn't show her how much it stressed me out - that's another thing a tantrum is supposed to achieve, throwing the adults off balance. We had exactly the same restaurant scene once you described in your OP. In that situation, I apologized to the waitress for my child's bad behavior and left the place with a wailing child trailing behind. I walked 2 kilometers home with her dramatically wailing behind me because, as I explained to her, it was impossible to ride a bus with her behaving like that. Upon reaching home, she accused me, "You don't love me at all!" I calmly replied, "If I didn't love you I would have left you right there in that restaurant where you started behaving like a brat and gone home alone. That was disgraceful behavior on your part and I was very ashamed of it." Silence. She went into her room and 10 minutes later emerged with an apology. That was the last time such a thing happened.

If you say she's much appreciated and loved by you and your partner, my guess is indeed the divorce is what stressed her out, and perhaps she's going through a growth phase right now as well. Just be calm and composed, be a model of the behavior you expect from her; reward every good thing, and don't let her succeed with such tantrum tactics, but always remember to exercise restraint even when angry. It's probably only a transitory phase!

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posted December 20, 2014 10:20 AM            

Wow that's difficult.

If you consistently and calmly just move the child away from the area where the meltdown is occurring, like out of the toy store or out of the restaurant, they will eventually understand that if they want to stay put, they cannot act however they want.

posted December 20, 2014 12:20 PM            

I've never had to deal with that 50/50 set up,
However my first line of thinking would be to emphasize rules and what's expected when she lives with you.

That's very hard tho if half the time you have another parent negating what you're trying to instill.

And that's obviously the case here if she comes back from that woman's house in that condition, and then the strain of the living situation too, perhaps.