posted June 07, 2011 02:42 PM            

It might sound stupid and I'm sure some of you will already know about the situation I was in, which has changed now:

At first I had this friend I had "benefits" with. According to his facebook he is now in a relationship, and all of a sudden I just don't hear from him again even though he made sure to talk to me every day. Despite talking every day, he never even told me he was interested in anyone even though we both agreed that we would tell each other if we find someone else.

I seriously feel cheated on. I know it doesn't make sense considering the fact that we weren't even an item, but I do. And frankly, it has been on my mind before, but if someone who had everything I ever wanted and needed in a man, doesn't want me, and the only people who want me are men who have serious trust and jealousy issues, then what else is left for me?

I honestly feel like I'm doomed to always have the wrong guys interested in me and the right guys not even giving a crap.

I'm sorry if I sound rediculous or hysterical, but I really need to talk about this and I just don't want any of my friends saying "I told you so", so I was hoping I could post it here...

posted June 07, 2011 02:51 PM            

Do you only go for men who make the first move?
There are plenty of shyer and ethical Men out there who do not approach a woman out of fear, or just because the whole 'game' is wrongly balanced in favour of women being the lazy one who does very little at the start but give a come on signal.

Seems like you attract what is known as 'players' who most of the time always approach the women first.

posted June 07, 2011 03:26 PM            

I just had a call with the man himself, told him that I was disappointed (especially after what I heard how it all happened) and I begged him to see things from my point of view too. What he used as an excuse for not wanting to be together (despite what his behaviour told me) was suddenly not a problem anymore and to be completely honest, I don't even know what to believe anymore of what he says, but it did make me feel like I was just not good enough.

He didn't exactly make the first move, by the way. He was just social and jovial and I made the first move by inviting him to dinner. But (and I'm sorry if I do sound a bit incoherent at the moment, but I am typing this while I'm bawling my eyes out and a million things at once are running thing my head) in general, it does sort of depend whether or not the man makes the first move. If I look back to my previous relationships, the "direct" first move (as opposed to indirect, as in initiating the first conversation etc... ) was more often than not made by me. For example, I suppose you could call it my first serious relationship: I met that man online and it was only after my decision that I wanted to meet him in person because we lived close enough together, and a few days of sleeping in the same house (while not having a relationship) that we started going out. If I hadn't made that decision to meet him in real life at that time, things would have never happened, because afterwards he did say that he wasn't planning on ever meeting up, but was happy that I did want to. My last ex, I pretty much "chose" him too and just let him charm me. I was also the one who gave the first kiss, albeit because I wanted to make someone else jealous at the time (I wouldn't normally do that, but - even though I know it's no excuse - I was having a very hard time at the time). Even with - I suppose I can call him the love of my life because in a sense, I still haven't been able to get over him... It was me who made the first move, by asking him if he wanted to go somewhere else to enjoy ourselves.

The last one I mentioned was quite shy himself, by the way, but I had to eventually break off the relationship for pretty complicated reasons. I know I only went into this "thing" because this guy reminded me too much of that "love of my life" and I got too carried away.

And thank you, Coffee, for listening and giving advice. I really like you as a person, despite what you may think after what I bluntly said a week ago. I agree with you that such words as "I do" should be reserved for marriage - something I will probably never have.

All things considered, I am seriously wondering what I'm doing wrong. Maybe I should have talked about this issue before I went into this "situation" with this guy... I hope I still can once more. If you, or anyone else is willing to listen

posted June 07, 2011 04:57 PM            

It just goes to show that you do know people who mean well from people who mean wrong at times like these I'm really thankful for your advice. I'm not sure if you know that I live in Belgium (as there is an Antwerp in the USA as well) but I'm going to do my best to try and find this book tomorrow! It looks very interesting, especially in my situation.

And I really can't thank you enough for providing a shoulder to cry on!

posted June 07, 2011 05:11 PM            

If a guy thinks you are cheap i.e you have sex too fast, that is the end of his ever making you a serious girl.

You need a female friend like me who can guide you next time around.
My grandmother taught me things like this.
People can say they are old fashioned BUT people have and always be the same.

A man MUST respect you or it will be over at the time he loses respect no matter how much longer he stays

posted June 07, 2011 05:29 PM            

I suppose I did needed it at the time (an excuse to get away from my ex). Maybe this guy does respect me, I'll know that tomorrow, but I probably lost all chances of being a "serious" one by becoming physical too soon.

And you're right, I definitely need a female friend who won't judge me and take me as I am and give advice as friends do! I have to agree with your (and mine) grandmother there!

I also realize I have to have some good introspection before I look for another man, I really feel like the next one has to be more "on the mark" so to speak than the previous one... Some advice and insight from a caring fellow woman certainly can do no harm

Besides, if I'm not mistaken, you too predicted that this guy would amount to no good relation-wise, right? The strange thing is that I realized this and tried to live towards it... maybe my mind just wasn't ready to admit it, but I also had the feeling that unconsciously he told me something else... I'd be happy enough if you told me I misinterpreted it, but... Could you tell me how I got it wrong?

I'm sorry if I'm imposing at all, and if you don't want to answer that's okay. I'm very glad to have your and Coffee's shoulder to cry on and I'm sure you can imagine how much that means to me at the moment

posted June 10, 2011 10:48 AM            

I just made sure that this guy would be forever out of my life. He'd of course done some things that he shouldn't have but I just made it clear how I felt about the whole thing. I've decided yesterday that I don't want him in my life anymore, if he brings me more stress than anything else, so I kind of consciously sabotaged us ever meeting again (even as friends) by ******* him off completely (I hope it succeeded).

I still need to get some stuff from his place though, so tomorrow will be the very last day I'll ever see him.

I actually feel kind of liberated, but on the other hand slightly disappointed. He did do a 180° turn after he got a new relationship and this was just my reaction to it, but it just makes me wonder if the feelings he had towards me were so shallow that he could so easily forget about them completely to do that 180° turn. The fact that the conversation with him today made me angry did too help a great deal towards getting over him.

I just hope to god that I don't get any nightmares about him anymore. The one last night upset me enough as it is.

posted June 10, 2011 11:19 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Ami Anne:
Darling Aya
I need to be honest with you,if that is OK.
If not,you just tell me.
When you started this relationship with this guy,it was just Friends with Benefits--right?
To a man, those relationships do not change in to a real girlfriend/wife.
You are put in a "cheap girl" category and you don't get out.
Please, anyone don't rant on me. Everyone is entitled to his own opinion.

---

Ami, don't worry, I certainly won't rant! (not in a bad way anyway, my incessant talking could be seen as rant though) you are absolutely right! I still think it was only because he made the decision at the start and just never changed his mind - that's his full right. But I have experienced it before, years ago. I was "easy" in the way that I agreed with sex quite early on, and it gave me the reputation of being a slag, something I had to work years to get rid of, even. Since then I realized how men's minds work in such a situation... But I don't always put that knowledge to practice.

It did start off as friends with benefits. I never expected it to be more, in fact, I never even expected it to be anything and in retrospect, I've been thinking it was probably better if it never became anything, but there's no changing the past. He did play some mental games on me which I (I'm ashamed to say) willfully underwent, even though I knew fully well what he was doing and that those games too were undermining any possibility of it ever becoming a relationship. If at all.

But like you probably already know, it's what I needed at that moment (a good excuse to make it clear to my ex it was over) and probably what he needed too (a few years without sex and not being able to get over his own ex... well, I don't think I need to draw a picture with that) and sometimes I wonder if I wasn't just using him myself... After all, I did feel attracted to him exactly because he reminded me of an ex I've never fully been able to get over, and it was the best way to show my ex it was over, which he would otherwise not have accepted for years to come.

He can think of me what he wants now to be honest, if he thinks I'm cheap I can't change that, although I've been very clear to him that despite what he might think that I'm a one man woman. At least I know what I'm like and at this point, I honestly don't care anymore what he thinks about me - it doesn't matter anymore anyway!

On the other hand, there were a few men who have honestly told me that most men tell themselves they can, but they honestly can't have sex without eventually having feelings. I can imagine if you're stuck with a "cheap" woman then (no offense, I'm just saying it from the man's point of view after he's put the woman in that category! ) you'd think to yourself: "damn, I'm falling in love with a slag. Can't let that happen... "

Anyway, I know what to do now. Just demand a relationship with someone before anything ever happens. It'll probably scare guys away but hey, at least I know who's somewhat of a keeper - or even interested - then

posted June 10, 2011 04:19 PM            

come on, aren't you in Belgium? swing by to Germany and we'll have a fantabulous Aya-party!

posted June 10, 2011 04:27 PM            

PS Again, I do not care to defend my stance and will ignore comments which attempt to get me to do so.

posted June 11, 2011 06:18 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by lechien:
no one who's name is Aya (or nicknamed or otherwise) is ever "not good enough"!!

come on, aren't you in Belgium? swing by to Germany and we'll have a fantabulous Aya-party!

i don't mean to be insensitive. i hope you will soon get to a place where you feel great and not worry a thing. keep hanging darling, and i agree with the above, it's good to vent out your bad feelings.

---

LOL lechien! I would actually swing by if I could afford it! I always thought you lived in the US, not so close by in Germany!

Ami, you're very welcome! I never had the feeling that it was intended for something other than a good advice

Another thing I have been thinking about is that in this particular case I just wasn't good enough for him, not because I'm not good enough in general but because he has a certain type that I just never would have fitted in. Seeing his previous partners and the background of this woman, he seems to fall for women who have status. He himself comes from a richer family and I can imagine that I was a far cry from that: my mother is socially as low a class as they come and even though my dad comes from a similar standing as this guy, because my mother is way too dominant, he married into a lower standing rather than that she married into a higher one. I myself care about class and standing, but in the way that it pains me to see how much people still value it. I also decided to do away with class myself and so even though I do come from a social-economically lower class, I find myself to be of none.

But someone who does care about class and standing (as this guy certainly did, based on quotes such as I always did my best to buy branded clothes, I left someone I really loved for another girl because she had money, my girlfriends always had a massive savings account, we borrowed an audi from someone and went for a weekend to a very expensive hotel, etc) will still pick up on the class I was brought up in. You do pick up on what you care about.

Making a long story short, no matter how alike we were (and we were, in character and behaviour), we would have clashed anyway because the decadence that comes with high standing and the desire for people of lower standing to attempt to match that decadence only for superficial acceptance, disgusts me. Especially since there are so many children starving in the world who could be fed with the money it costs to buy a top range audi. I did try to change his mind about his idea on class and standing but obviously it hasn't worked. And the fact that my mercury was opposite his saturn (in a wide orb, his saturn is in taurus) and square his virgo moon, probably didn't help. I already had the feeling he would never listen to me no matter what I said.

Oh well, maybe one day he'll understand how superficial the class system really is and why I have turned my back to it.

posted June 11, 2011 11:54 AM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by Aya_and_baby:
LOL lechien! I would actually swing by if I could afford it! I always thought you lived in the US, not so close by in Germany!

---

posted June 11, 2011 11:58 AM            

Makes me feel a bit better then. Well he actually has a T-square between his saturn, moon and neptune.

Oh well, we all have our faults. The retrieval of my stuff went very... Emmm, dry? Hardly two words were spoken and I'm sure anyone could have sensed the anger emitting from me, but I'm glad it's over

And if he really ever wants to talk to me again, I'm not too hard to find. Hey, if I can forgive a man who kicked me out in a foreign country with nothing to my name, I can surely forgive what he had done. As long as he doesn't expect too much sympathy (or romance - I don't go for the same man twice, although it has to be said I would make exceptions. Not for this one, though.)

posted June 11, 2011 12:01 PM            

quote:

---

Originally posted by lechien:
easyjet!

---

There's a train that goes to Germany too, but at the moment I barely have enough to pay my rent and other bills and have debts stacking up.

But trust me, if I had a bit to spare I would take you up on your offer! I tend to be that adventurous (or you could call it impulsive)

posted June 11, 2011 03:39 PM            

Lechien: you're on we could paint the town red with our Sag risings!