posted March 14, 2021 03:50 PM            

I can provide birthdata/ Imgur chart if asked for. Broadly speaking: father Aries, mother Sagittarius. Father very go-getting man's man, mother anorexic, depressed, narcissistic, highly jealous of me (Aries). Parents' marriage broke up directly I got married in 1998. My marriage also broke up in 2006 and it has since been proved that I was always infertile, so could never have been a mother.

Hi Father

As the sun sets on Mother's Day, I have a couple of memories of past Mother's Days/ "mothering", which stick in my mind.

1) The first was when I made Mother a drawing with some flowers, on some pastel paper when I was about 9. I made it especially for her, and had both myself, and you, sign it. I gave it to her and she looked at it in fury, saying "VERY NICE", and then 2 minutes later she spontaneously flew into a rage and threw it down the stairs, screaming "HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY TO YOU TOO!". I was sobbing, as I had no idea what I had done wrong.

2) The second was when I used to wet my knickers/ the bed regularly, at about the age of 4 or 5, irrespective of day or night. If I wet the bed in the middle of the night and went to my mother, to try to get her to wake up and change the sheets, she refused, and would pull the duvet over her head. I then had no option but to go to you, and good old Dad obligingly got up and changed the sheets for what it was worth, just so I could be a bit more comfortable. The difference of caring in the gestures, speaks volumes about attitude. The type of kindnesses that are given, just because it's the human thing to do so.

In many ways, evenso you are a man's man, you were more of a mother than my own mother ever was. When she was always looking moody or angry, and not talking to either of us, and when I asked you what was the matter with her, and you said you supposed she might go back to Germany, I wished she would have done.

I was aware that adults who should have known better, had tried to molest you both as children. At one point, my mother said to me that she never allowed you to change my nappies, as she was concerned that you would try to molest me. I was horrified, as from my personal experience you just simply were not like that at all. I loved you, and you were my Dad, and it began and ended there, and neither you or I could even have dreamed of any funny business!

I did question why she would have gone on to have children with someone if she had so little trust in them to begin with, but I think like everything else, it was just her dwelling on her own insecurities. Best forgotten to be honest, as she has been dead for over 2 years now.

(My mother died in February 2019, having cut off contact with both myself and my father for several years.)

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. <3 (my father has a health appointment)