posted September 25, 2003 02:27 PM         

i just wanted to send you a message. i am starting to calm down and some of what was devastating me in weeks previous has abated a little, and i didnt like leaving things as they were. i may be a terrible awful person but i do have a heart, and i do care about people, so it was important to me to make sure that i didnt leave things in a mess.

anyway, ill try to keep this brief, as i am known for being verbose... but essentially i just wanted to apologise for telling you to leave me alone. what i would have rather said (and would have said if not for the circumstances) was not 'leave me alone'... but perhaps i would have said something along the lines of 'hey go easy on me, im not perfect'. if that makes sense. i never wanted to hurt your feelings, and i never wanted you to 'leave me alone' either.

i really think you are a beautiful person juni. i always have, since i first came to these forums. you are so full of magic, and so tender hearted, funny as heck in your aqua way (dont aquas have SUCH a sense of humor!! i love it!) and i never had anything but admiration for you. i guess thats why my perception of criticism from you hurt me so much, i just honestly felt like i couldnt say anything without facing your disproval. if i didnt care about/admire you at all, you could have said anything and it wouldnt have evoked such a response from me.

i spose it harkens back to my parents, in an odd way. how one is raised sets the tone for the rest of their life. i was raised in a very dysfunctional way and i have had to observe and correct these flaws in myself on me own, with no help. i was raised with a lot of criticism though, it seems that nothing i could do was ever good enough. i still carry that chironic wound i spose. i was just getting a 'nothing i could do would please her' vibe, and seeing as how i admire you so much it just hit me where it hurts.

anyway i hope there are no hard feelings i think you are a beautiful person, i just wanted to apologise for my remarks of a couple weeks ago, and maybe help you understand where they came from. again, i am sorry and i hope i didnt hurt your feelings.

take care juni