posted March 12, 2004 01:36 AM              

ARIES March 21 to April 19

This month will see Pluto move behind Uranus. Exactly what Pluto will do behind Uranus is anybody's guess, but the video should ship for about $19.99. You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically, you don't give a **** about anyone. Most people hate you, but you couldn't care less. You're the type of guy who would masturbate at a funeral and make a drunken pass at the widow. Someone to whom you owe money to is likely to beat forty-seven shades of **** out of you this month. No one will send you a 'Get Well' card. Your Mother will send a 'Thank You' card to the guy who did it.

TAURUS April 20 to May 20

Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you see the good in everyone and are trusting. In other words, you're a dumbfuck without even the common sense of a carrot. You will never amount to anything. Most Taureans are living on the welfare. You will either end your days bitter and alone, having been betrayed by everyone you ever trusted, or your wife will murder you for the insurance and shack up with your brother. This month you will make a new friend who has the potential to be your longed for soul mate. However, your wife will seduce him, and both of them will laugh their ***** off at you - while he drinks your beer in your bed.

GEMINI May 21 to June 21

You are likely to get into yet another futile chat room argument with a Bi-girl trying to convince her that she is actually "Just another ******* dyke who thinks it's trendier to be called Bi on the freakin' net." As usual, you will lose this argument, as the simple fact is: Bi is a trendy label, and dyke isn't. Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply put, you're a manic-depressive schizophrenic. A real ******* weirdo. The type of person who'd kill his/her own self to win a bet. This month, you are likely to be busy furthering a passionate carnal relationship with a latex sex toy. Either that, or your neighbors dog will develop a rabid fear of you and an aversion to the scent of Vaseline.

CANCER June 22 to July 22

Your offline relationships are suffering, but you just can't seem to figure out why. Could it be because they don't exist anymore? Saying "Good morning" to the Postman once every two months or so cannot be accurately described as a "social life"; no matter how desperate you are to convince yourself that you still have one. Things are not looking any better for your online relationships: you are likely to whispered by affection-starved Internet She-beasts seeking new people to stalk and drain the humanity out of. You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. In other words, an unscrupulous ******* who would sell his Mother's kidneys to make a few extra bucks. People generally detest you and they are absolutely correct in their estimation of you. The heavens suggest that you are likely to be murdered and your body disposed of in several trash cans. This will cause much joy and celebration in the lives of all who know you.

LEO July 23 to August 22

This month, you will clumsily mount your moral high horse by condemning a friend for 'stooping' to ridicule a member of your family. However, having both the logic of a pathological schizoid and the hypocrisy of a whoremongering preacher, you will quickly slide off the saddle and land bulbous nose first into a freshly dropped cow patch by cursing your friend's mother with, "May the horses break their harnesses trying to pull my dick out of your mother!!" This is a good month to do yourself and everyone else a favor, and hang yourself.

VIRGO August 23 to September 22

You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them, but you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap ******* . Virgo men are usually homosexual and the majority of Virgo women are ****** . This week is a good time to start that masturbating marathon you want to record on your web cam. An older loved one may be having problems and require your support. Therefore, you should avoid older loved ones for the remainder of this month.

LIBRA September 23 to October 22

You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you a doormat for every pathological **** -up on this side of the Missouri. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral. This month a stranger will borrow your car and tell you straight out he has no intention of returning it. As usual, you are likely to smile and say, "You're welcome."

SCORPIO October 23 to November 21

You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However, those are your only good points. You have an insatiable curiosity and a strong desire to try new things, probably because your life is a **** hole in the middle of nowhere - a one-horse-town with no horse. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet or try bungee jumping with the cord tied around your neck. Your romance life is not looking good either. You should dump your girlfriend before she dumps you later in the month.

SAGITTARIUS November 22 to December 21

Unlike other signs this week, Pluto will conjoin the solar eclipse next Wednesday and seriously **** your day up. Thursday, you'll think a thousand priests just ****** you up the ass. You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to be addicted to fetish pornography and import German sex toys. Purchasing that packet of condoms shows that you're foolishly optimistic about your chances of a romp in the sack this month. You seriously need to consider mail-ordering a bride from some impoverished country in Eastern Europe.

CAPRICORN December 22 to January 19

You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet, reflective type. A mean self-centered **** and a closet homosexual. Your best (and only) friend is probably your mother. It's a great month for adventure. The sky is the limit, so get ahead and do all the crazy things you always wanted to do. Of course, you won't enjoy any of it and all of your ambitions are likely to end in failure and bitter disillusionment, but don't let that stop you - it will give you plenty more things to brood 'reflectively' about.

AQUARIUS January 20 to February 18

Aquarians tend to be anal-retentive. No, wait... that's Librarians. Aquarians are the eternal optimists, seeing the best of any situation. In short, you have no grasp of reality and live in a complete fantasy world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. This month is not a good time to start a new relationship. If you do, you are likely to have your first experience of transsexual sex while in a drugged condition. Watch out for the safety of your things if you are in public places. Avoid a double-crossing Libran.

PISCES February 19 to March 20

It's not looking good. You will start the day bright-eyed and bushy-tailed doing energetic push-up...alas, you won't see the mouse trap until it is too late. You are likely to break some ribs while trying out some of the solo positions from the Karma Sutra after a session of meth-snorting. You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are a cold-hearted son-of-a-***** and an absolute pervert, at the very least, a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights. This is a good month to give your sister back her panties before she discovers the theft and confronts you about it in front of your friends.

The Site is: www.insultmonger.com

(PS: THIS POST IS JUST OUT OF HUMOR... NO ONE'S FEELINGS WERE MEANT TO BE HURT ... AS WELL AS NO OFFENCE WAS MEANT... THIS IS JUST SOMETHING I FOUND AND I WANTED TO SHARE IT ALL... SO PLEASE DONT THINK ANY LOW OF ME)

posted March 12, 2004 04:57 AM              

Hey, aint no stinking dogs with an aversion to me...ok?? OK????

Nackie (who I guess has a thing against bi-'net dykes...) LOL

posted March 12, 2004 01:57 PM              

that's so hilariousssssssssss

*hum hum* people pardon my aquarian foolishness but what does ROFL stands for ??????

posted March 12, 2004 02:09 PM              

insults abound on the web and in real life...you don't even have to search for them. as such, i could easily go to a thousand websites for this kind of content. so i choose lindaland instead, because it's different...a place of higher vibrations and light.

posted March 12, 2004 02:25 PM              

i didn't mean to antagonize you. that's just how i feel. it's not funny to me; insults aren't funny. Linda's humor and astrology were worlds different than this and that's why i frequent sites like this and not others.

i didn't mean to bother you.

posted March 12, 2004 02:32 PM              

You don't think it's a little funny? I mean not everything in life is peachy white light high vibrations...so we should be able to laugh at our (exxagerated)defects too!

posted March 12, 2004 02:39 PM              

once again, i apologize that my feelings about this disturb anyone.

it's not funny, i don't believe it belongs here. if other people do, that's fine!

not everyone thinks all the same things are funny. it bothers me, and i stated that...it's not what lindaland is about at all -- to me.

posted March 12, 2004 02:55 PM              

i didn't apologize for not liking it. you felt the need to tell me to lighten up, so i concluded that what i said must have bothered in you in some way, and i really didn't mean to do that.

posted March 12, 2004 03:00 PM              

that was sweet!

posted March 12, 2004 03:06 PM              

oh, and i do so love potatoes....and potatos, however you slice them -- or don't.

posted March 12, 2004 03:17 PM              

and may i give a big spiritual thanks to linda goodman for helping me to escape the the influence of my dad, whom i now appreciate and love even more for having done so.

(hey gloomy sag -- my dad is a saggie too...)