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Author
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Topic: Help with a (Very) P/A Aquarius Man
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ariestiger
unregistered
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posted March 24, 2004 02:03 PM
 
Okay. My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. I am 29 and he is 36 - and indulging in constant passive-aggressive behaviour - big-time! He lived at home until he was 32, unlike myself, had enjoyed an apparently fairly happy family life, even though his parents divorced when he was 8, it was on "amicable" terms. His parents spoiled him rotten, and as a result, he didn't actually go out to work or do any sort of job until he was 25, studying for a first degree, then a second, then a solicitor's qualification.
One would think, after all that studying, that he would have become some sort of high-flyer; but he failed to get a training post in a solicitor's office after he graduated and has been doing gardening work ever since. He absolutely hates it, but doesn't know what else he wants to do in life; when one asks him, he just says he doesn't know. This has been a real bone of contention between us ever since we got our own place. He will do absolutely anything to avoid work, instead reading books and playing computer games all day and all night too, refusing to advertise, not turning up to customers at appointed times, and doing substandard or incomplete work. We have worked together on a number of occasions and it has driven me mad, because his attitude has made both of us look like such idiots. He usually does the bare minimum of work, leaving me to do it all, or does the work so badly that I have to redo it (once I had to sit up until 6 o'clock in the morning redoing a commission for a client). Luckily I am now running the design business we ran together on my own - he was forever putting spanners in the works right left and centre. Unfortunately we have now got involved in another business venture with some friends which involves selling advertising space on the Internet (something that I am good at) and which has potential as a money-spinner. We are supposed in theory to be putting equal amounts of time into this; it's something one can do from home = ideal, but whenever it's his allotted time to contact potential customers, he just avoids the work he's supposed to be doing like the plague. ("You ******* ," I think, "you're doing it AGAIN!!!")I really HATE this pathetic attitude of his. I just can't understand it. No-one else, when I explain the situation to them, can understand this apathy, either. It doesn't do any good to suggest things to him, because he just won't budge. I have pushed and shoved for so long, and it's so fruitless; how does one move an immovable object?
What he doesn't know is that I have given him one year to get his act together and stop behaving like a total p****. I have asked him on occasion: does he love me? what would he think if I left him? and he's said, oh, well, it was never the Grand Passion between us, and he'd miss me, but he probably wouldn't let himself get overly upset by my leaving.
Does this guy care about ANYTHING at all in life? I know Aquarians are supposed to be into subjugation of the ego, but this is just ridiculous.
Can you now understand why I am seriously looking around for another man?
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PlayfulPonderingFishMoon
unregistered
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posted March 24, 2004 02:45 PM
Wow!
I am no expert on relationships at all, so I really can't offer you a lot of constructive advice about this, but...
I would NEVER stay with someone who admitted that they had such little passionate investment in me as this man says he has left for you though.
I don't know. People always have different priorities in relationships and different things that they look for in them that will make them happy...
meaning that some people place security needs over passion etc... but, as for me... I just don't want to lose so much passion with my partner so that it doesn't matter to one of us if we aren't together anymore that way though.
I understand all of this dissatisfaction you have found with him making you think about lots of other possibilities via new men etc..., but...
I am a real, real stickler for honesty and fidelity in a relationship however though.
So if it were me in this position, I would DEFINITELY leave FIRST, before I started ANYTHING else with another man whom I found any interest in outside of this relationship.
I would ALWAYS expect that same consideration from my partner if they were dissatisfied with our relationship together as well.
I would always expect them to come to me and officially break things off between the two of us before they began getting involved with another person besides me.
So naturally, I would absolutely grant them the same kindness and consideration in return to them even if...
they had done me the huge disservices such as the ones it sounds like this man is doing to you here.
Just my own personal two cents...
Good Luck and Lots Of Light To You...
Playful
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sthenri
unregistered
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posted March 24, 2004 02:51 PM
Well, Aries Tiger, you are an Aries and so do more than your fair share of work. An Aquarius does not like to compete, preferring to work around problems. What are your bithdates, times and places? It sounds like he has a lack of fire? Or maybe he is similar to my Libra ex? Does he have a lot of trines?Have you done the composite at astro.com? Go to partner under free horoscopes and you will see the composite, if you can post it here, Take Care,
Natasha
Taurus IP: Logged |
lioneye68
unregistered
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posted March 24, 2004 03:18 PM
I don't understand why you're still with him 
I'd be like..."NEXT?!"
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sthenri
unregistered
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posted March 24, 2004 04:43 PM
As a Scorpio once asked me "So what's with him? Is he really good in bed?" She couldn't believe I was with my ex either. I almost died laughing. Her saying was, "You don't have to buy the cow, you know, to get the milk..." very true...You've had the milk right? So did you buy this cow? And can you exchange him for another? Will he go out to pasture willingly is the question, cause those cows can kick. I have a sneaking suspicion MR. Aqua would suddenly get very aggressive if let go all of a sudden. Maybe that's just what he needs, a kick in the butt, a temporary separation, and next thing you know, he sees stars. That's the only way with those passive types.
Unless he has a life insurance policy and you are the beneficiary then stick around, but if not then why not put him out to pasture just for a while? Natasha
I'm a Bull so I'm good with Cows IP: Logged |
lioneye68
unregistered
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posted March 24, 2004 05:45 PM
 Natasha, you slay me...IP: Logged |
ariestiger
unregistered
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posted March 25, 2004 01:46 PM
Fact is, I am basically a faithful person, not one to jump from one relationship to another in a hurry. My relationship with my husband has been my first and only to date, and getting to know a person involves one helluva lot of emotional energy. I used to think that two people should get married and be faithful no matter what - BUT - by degrees, over the past 6 years and particularly over the past 2, some of my opinions have been gradually changing (Playful, I hear, and I'm listening to, what you're saying)... The reason why I don't want to separate yet is because I am writing a book, and building a business, and I can NOT afford any emotional upheaval at the present time.
The fact is that, from the point of view of his laziness, things weren't going to change last year, the year before, or the year before that, they aren't going to change this year, next year or the year after, unless he wants to play. Fact is, it doesn't look like he's going to.
He has got a few good points - he's good-looking, can make me laugh, shops and cooks (I hate it) - and is good around the house. With domestic stuff he's fine but when it comes to anything that involves cleverness, originality or engaging his supposedly superfluous grey matter, he chickens out. And in any case, I think that for a man to have a sense of self-worth, he ought to be achieving something. BTW - his father was just the same, had absolutely zero ambition; his mother divorced his father for precisely the same reasons. The father, however, found a "mother-figure" to look after him, who earned all the money and made all the decisions for him. There is no way I am going down that road. I have no intention of being his, or anybody else's, mother! I want somebody who is my equal,and who sees himself as my equal, who is prepared to work with me as a PARTNER, not a situation where either one of us acts a "parent" role.
Oddly, he sometimes sees himself in the role of nurturing parent, saying to me that if I left him, I'd soon be back when I got hungry, and that I "need someone to look after (me)". He says that he sees me as a "small child"!!! Is this a clash between my Mars (Gemini) and his Venus (Capricorn)? I sometimes wonder whether he would have been happier with a more mature woman... He often tells me I'm "too skinny" and that my chest is "too small"!!! I used to get upset by this, but recently I bought myself some sexy clothes, and thought, Hey - I'm petite, blonde, not bad-looking, there're plenty of men who'd like me, and if he's not careful - well, he can do the other thing!For the record - our birthdates/times:
Him: (edit)
Me: (edit) As far as I can see from the Astrodienst report, the trines he's got are Venus TR Pluto, Mars TR both Neptune & Ascendant. He also has Moon=Leo, Asc=Scorpio (scary when really annoyed), Venus=Capricorn, Mars=Pisces. IP: Logged |
lioneye68
unregistered
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posted March 25, 2004 03:17 PM
Aha, a Piscean Mars. The planet of force and direct pursuit in the sign of the ego-less elusive one....Hard to be aggressive when your aggression planet is in the LEAST aggressive sign.Where's Saturn in his chart, and what asects does it make to his personal planets? IP: Logged |
ariestiger
unregistered
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posted March 25, 2004 04:39 PM
Lioneye - His Saturn is in Aries, in the 4th house, which also contains his Mars. His Saturn is kind of out on a limb, it forms no major aspects to his other planets. Here's part of the description from Astrodienst of Saturn in the 4th:
"With this placement you may have the feeling that duties and obligations in your early childhood conflicted with your innermost emotional needs. Consequently, you felt frustrated and misunderstood. This could lead to a sense of fear and distrust in the world that is not conducive to success in human relations and communications"...
I think that partly sums things up. He took on the role of "husband" to his mother from the age of 8, when perhaps, he wasn't really ready for it. It's said that p/a behaviour often stems from childhood; children who have been forced to "grow up ahead of time" may have a lackadaisical attitude to work in adulthood and fool around as a sign that they just want to "play" and regain the childhood they "missed out on". He was never encouraged to talk about his emotions; his was the type of family that just put a gloss on things, that discouraged expression of anger and never talked about anything that mattered, be it illness, whatever, anything negative was just taboo. I have been talking to them recently about the various problems he's been having, and, do you know, in all of 30 years, they haven't even bothered to get to know him properly, ask the questions that matter, find out what he's really about.
No wonder he's secretly mad at them!!! BUT - he shouldn't be taking it out on me! Natasha - LOVED the crack about the cow. Keep them coming!!! IP: Logged |
PlayfulPonderingFishMoon
unregistered
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posted March 25, 2004 06:10 PM
ariestiger,Hey, you sound like a great woman! I was just advising on the fidelity thing because unfortunately, my family has experience with that circumstance. If I were you, and all of this still keeps up indefinitely, I would seriously think about ending things with him in the future though. I am so much like you on this question of equal partnership. I do not want anything less than a totally equal partnership in my relationship either. I think that each person CAN take on the role of 'parental nurturer' to a certain extent sometimes on a very short term basis, but... when that dynamic goes way too far and it happens much too often and it becomes much too much out of balance between the two of you for much too long, then... of course, it is definitely time to fix things. I am so into all sorts of equal partnerships in life, that it's not even funny, so I do know exactly what it is that you are saying that you want from him.
Good Luck And Lots Of Light To You!
Playful
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PlayfulPonderingFishMoon
unregistered
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posted March 25, 2004 06:23 PM
Oh, By the way...what's with the attitude that he communicates to you with those digs about not being able to be on your own or the ones about your appearance etc... I don't think that I could put up with those for too long either.
I have so many things that I won't accept from a man, it's really no wonder that I am alone, is it?
Lol IP: Logged |
sthenri
unregistered
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posted March 25, 2004 08:06 PM
Saturn in the 4th, my ex had this, Saturn in Capricorn as a singleton in the 4th, very much passive about many things, and also had the digs about my work, appearance.Distance makes the heart grow fonder, now that I left, I get tons of that good attention, even if I left him for a weekend, he was ultra affectionate. I think he needed that space to define himself as a man, by himself, you know? I was only helping myself by staying. Venus in an earth sign, that's playful and super sexy, so that's why you stay-for the milk! Natasha IP: Logged |
ariestiger
unregistered
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posted March 26, 2004 02:27 PM
Natasha - Your ex had Saturn in the 4th? That is interesting!!! There are so many coincidences here...
Oh yeah, my SO doesn't flinch from telling me I "haven't got enough flesh on my bones". He has a couple of mini-Michelin tyres around his waist, left over from when he was fat as a child; I tell him that, okay, I've got more of a six-pack than he has, and I'd probably prefer a leaner man, but I'm civil enough not to keep reiterating it, if you know what I mean...
I was looking at our composite chart and we do have a lot of good aspects, like Sun in the Fifth (supposed to be really auspicious.. hmm.. I don't know - the only other people I know with Sun in the Fifth are my parents...hahaha), Venus in the Fourth and in synastry, both my Venus and his Mars in Pisces (which, I know, I know, makes for an understanding, if not very PRACTICAL, relationship!)
On the other hand, we have Moon OPP Neptune (illusions) and Sun OPP Pluto (power struggles) - the latter placement is so described by Astrodienst: "One or both of you must learn to curb your desire to dominate the other...There is a danger that if this relationship breaks up it will degenerate into open warfare..."
Uh-oh!!!IP: Logged |
astro junkie
unregistered
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posted March 26, 2004 08:18 PM
I have a Natal Sun in the 5th - I'm told that's good...need all the help I can get anyway! .gloria IP: Logged |
sthenri
unregistered
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posted March 28, 2004 01:45 PM
ariestiger, have you done a composite? Do a composite and paste it here.
I also have Venus in the 4th, very close to the 5th. however I do feel it's in the 4th. I have read a lot about interceptions and most astrologers believe you move closer to the next house as you age. I do hold on to things. And my ex had Venus in the 5th which is not as like me in terms of playtime.We had the Sun in the sixth
Mars in the 8th,
We nurtured eachother and discovered eachother. But I find too much composite in the 5th makes for too much playtime, and I AM a Taurus/Rooster/6th house Sun so I need more snap, crackle pop, Cockle Doodle Do! In our astro love profile it actually said, he was the taker in love relationships. When it says that you got to listen. I am a Taurus/6th house Rooster (virgo), so that's a lot of earth energy. My ex had
Saturn in Capricorn/4th house
Square my Venus and opposite my Moon
And his Neptune and Mercury were conjunct and opposite my Moon.
Mars in Libra opposite my Venus and Square my Moon
Moon in Gemini Square his Venus in Virgo and opposite his Jupiter in Sag I think the real attraction was his Jupiter in Sag which is conjunct my first house. And his Saturn was conjunct my ascendant in synastry. Not to mention I am attracted to Libra suns with air moons anyway, and his ascendant was Gemini, with Taurus on the 1st house. He could be really, really lazy but not about anything to do with improving our way of life. Just long term stuff. He was very domestic in small ways but he liked things to look good, that's about it. Once it looked good his reponsibility ended. I have Pluto and Uranus at the top of my chart, I need someone who is deep, dreams, and digs deep below the surface, unconventional... Saturn in Capricorn is conventional. I have other friends with this placement, but I wouldn't live with them just because our lifestyles are different. Values are the same but it's the lifestyle. Take Care,
Natasha
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astro junkie
unregistered
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posted March 28, 2004 02:24 PM
I have Venus in the 4th too. I do think that having Jupiter & Saturn in Capricorn makes me much more conservative. Although I can do really wacky things without thinking, I'm never far from stopping to question the long-term ramifications of everything, especially of a lover's actions to HIM/HERself due to my Venus in Virgo. It can kind of put a damper on a good party, but that's why when it comes to a party-good time, I need to be with someone who is responsible in that way too. Like Libra guy with Cappy Moon. He's the type of guy women just want to marry. .gloria IP: Logged |
sthenri
unregistered
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posted March 28, 2004 09:29 PM
"Like Libra guy with Cappy Moon. He's the type of guy women just want to marry."Gloria, that jumped out at me! So he's the type to marry? Does that mean you would marry him? Is he marriage material? Natasha
Taurus IP: Logged |
astro junkie
unregistered
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posted March 28, 2004 11:29 PM
hee heeI'm getting ready to go see him now... this is SUCH sensuous experience. No matter what, nothing goes wrong. He's the type of guy that if he lets you in his heart, you'll want to marry him. Would I marry him? I'll marry the first guy who has the cojones to ask me. ------------------
it's better to light a candle than curse the darkness... IP: Logged |
sthenri
unregistered
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posted March 29, 2004 09:50 AM
You may have to ask him! Maybe that's what he is dreaming and wishing for, a woman who asks.I asked my Libra-of course I knew he would say yes, but he idealized the moment when someone would ask him-it didn't matter that he was the man and I was the woman we both knew that's the way he was. Your Libra is a romantic. Natasha
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astro junkie
unregistered
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posted March 29, 2004 05:28 PM
Ask him? I could never in a million years imagine myself asking a man to marry me...I know it's done, and successfully so... but I guess I'm old-fashioned about some things. .gloria IP: Logged |
ariestiger
unregistered
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posted March 29, 2004 07:04 PM
Having trouble with pasting the composite chart (how DO you paste onto this thing? so shall give planetary positions here:
Sun & Mercury in Pisces, 5th house
Moon & Jupiter in Gemini, 8th house
Venus in Aquarius, 4th house
Mars in Taurus,7th house
Saturn in Taurus, 8th house (apparently Mars CJ Saturn is supposed to be difficult)
Uranus in Libra, 12th house
Neptune in Sagittarius, 2nd house
Pluto in Virgo, 11th house. Also, here's DH's personal aspects:
Asc in Scorpio, 3rd House Sun (that's the part of him that won't take anything seriously, that my 8th House Sun despairs of), Sun opp Moon & Jupiter, Sun cj Merc, Sun sq Neptune & Asc, Moon opp Merc, Moon sq Neptune & Asc, Merc opp Jup, Merc sq Neptune & Asc, Venus sx Mars/Neptune/Asc, Venus tr Pluto, Mars opp Uranus & Pluto, Mars tr Neptune & Asc, Jup sq Neptune & Asc, Uranus sx Neptune & Asc, Neptune sx Pluto, Neptune cj Asc, Pluto sx Asc.
DH's horoscope carries a lot of weight from outer planets. This is in contrast to my horoscope, in which the smaller, more zippy planets like Mercury, the Moon and Venus are emphasized. We both have totally different energy levels!!!
I'm not sure about Venus in Capricorn being a sensual lover - he absolutely hates massage (I love it), and never seems to be able to relax and enjoy love! It's almost as if he's afraid to let go and totally involve himself...
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astro junkie
unregistered
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posted March 29, 2004 10:49 PM
AriesTiger -When you are in the REPLY window on the left you will see "UBB Code is ON" - click on that. .gloria IP: Logged |
ariestiger
unregistered
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posted March 30, 2004 09:13 AM
Hang on, I think I need instructions right from the word go here.
Do I go into astro.com, save the chart as a GIF & then paste, or what do I do?IP: Logged |
sthenri
unregistered
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posted March 30, 2004 11:38 AM
Ariestiger I don't know how to paste an image but you have posted enough information for me.
Your hubby has a lot of stressful jupiter aspects, jupiter is about the inner child, growing, changing, higher learning.I would stress that both of you go to couples counseling since he is repressing his emotions. Once he has something off his chest once in a while, he will be closer to a whole mature person. I will post more later Natasha IP: Logged |
Total Pieces
Newflake Posts: 2
From: Los Angeles, CA USA
Registered: Oct 2009
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posted March 30, 2004 12:12 PM
Wow!
ArisTiger, I feel for you. I dated a Passive Agressive man for 8 years. While we were together he was still at home with his divorced mother. His father was near by but the relationship was not amible. I had never met to people who should have NEVER married like his parents but that is another story for another day...Passive agressive people regardless of the Sign are very hard to be in a relationship with because you never no where you stand with them and they have a very good way of making problems your fault. I agree with counsling if he will go if not start with a book on passive agressive behavior. I also recommend the 'John Bradshaw' books. His inner child work and his family dinamics work may be helpful for you to understand your husband better. Who knows he may read them to and want better for himself. Only you can decide whether or not he is keeping you down and making you miserable. Please understand there is loyalty and fidelity and promises to keep but you don;t have to sacrifice your life. You mentioned the emotional upheavel you would experience with a new relationship...maybe...but you are going through that up heavel everyday...
Don't sell yourself short... Amber You Must Live the Blues with the Velocity of Celebration... IP: Logged | |
Lindaland
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