posted July 26, 2004 08:03 PM              

Dear Dr. Harley,

My husband and I have recently decided to give our troubled marriage (14 years) another chance after a two-year separation. My biggest problem is that he does not know how to be affectionate to me. He tells me, "you don't accept the love I have for you." He thinks that because he feels love for me, that should be enough. He doesn't understand how much I need him to show me his love with physical attention.

I had an affair prior to our separation. He asked me if I was having an affair, but I lied. I did it because the other person showed me that he cared very much for me by being affectionate. Now that relationship is over and I will never be with this person again.

But I know now, more than ever, what I need from my husband. I don't fear his anger anymore. What I do fear is that my husband will never be affectionate to me. His parents rarely showed physical attention to anyone in their family, whereas, my parents always caressed and verbally showed us love. He says he knew he was loved without their affection. Does his upbringing have anything to do with his inability to show me love? I look forward to your response.

K.R.

Dear K.R.,

Affection is something that's learned. Some men (and women) that were raised in families that did not show affection are taught by their girlfriends or wives so that eventually they learn to become affectionate husbands. But other men have never been taught.

You apparently received the affection you needed from your lover. It was your friend's affection that met your need. Your husband can learn to say and do many of the same things, and mean it.

Whenever I counsel a man who is not very affectionate, I give him a list of things to do every day (I usually make up the list with his wife who tells me what to include). He must do each of them and check them off the list as he does it.

1. Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up.
2. Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.
3. Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work.
4. Call her during the day to ask how she is doing and that you love her.
5. After work, call her before you leave to tell her when you will be home, and tell her you love her.
6. Buy her flowers on the way home at least once a week, with a card that tells her you love her.
7. When you arrive home from work, give her a big hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Don't do anything else before you have given her your undivided attention.
8. Tell her that you love her as you are having dinner together.
9. Help her clear off the table and wash and dry the dishes with her, giving her a hug and kiss at least once, and tell her that you love her.
10. Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her in bed before you both go to sleep.

As the weeks go by, I have the wives review the list to be certain there isn't anything in it that they object to, or that should be added.

Wives will often complain that it's not real affection because it doesn't come from the heart. If their husbands have to be told what to do, they're not really being affectionate. But this exercise in affection is not fake. It is real. Their husbands really do love them and whenever they express that love, it is real. The problem is that they have not learned to express how they really feel. This exercise simply teaches them how to show their wives the affection that they've felt all along.

When your husband says that you do not accept the things he does for you, you should explain that you don't need the things he does nearly as much as you need things he isn't doing. You cannot appreciate things you don't need, it's only what you need that you appreciate.

He really does want to meet your needs, but hasn't learned how to do it. It probably makes him frustrated to think how much he cares about you, but has not been able to show it.

The bottom line is that you have an emotional need for affection and your husband can learn to meet it. As soon as he becomes an expert at meeting this need, your temptation to find someone else to meet that need will disappear and your marriage will be just what you wanted.

Affection is the expression of love with hugs, kisses, cards, flowers, and the words, "I love you." Affection is not only expressed in marriage, it is also expressed to your children, your parents and, sometimes, your pets. It is our way of telling people that we care for them and that we will be there for them when they need us.

Both men and women need to know they are loved. But women seem to need affection, the expression of love, more often than men. That's why men usually don't show it as often as women need. But any man can learn to do it as often as his wife wants him to. In His Needs, Her Needs, I write about the importance of creating an environment of affection, where a wife is reminded continuously that she is loved and cared for.

Sex, on the other hand, is an entirely different need than affection. While it also should be met in marriage, sex and affection should not be confused. Many men, particularly those who do not have much of a need for affection, use affection as an opportunity for sex. They show affection whenever they make love, but not at other times. This causes their wives to react with resentment, the way you have reacted in your letter to me. Most women feel used when their husbands are affectionate only when they want sex.

Affection is something you can do with your parents or children as well as your spouse. It is not sex. While you may also be affectionate when you make love, sex should be a special event in an environment of affection.

From http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html

I think it's good to keep in mind when looking for potential mates, affectionate or not?

posted July 26, 2004 10:16 PM            

Thank you for posting such a great article. It is so applicable that it isn't funny. But, in my case- it has to do with my affection. See, even though I am a bit affectionate- I don't even follow half those rules- well at least I didn't until I met Mr. Taurus.

It was in me, but I was raised my an overly emotional (Double Cancer) mom who was clingly- but not loving and a very stoic father. He was affectionate in that he always said he loved us, but he wasn't very "demonstrative". Once my parents divorced when I was 12 and my bro was 8, he didn't hug us that much. I mean, he did- and would kind of pat our heads, but I guess being in law enforcement he wasn't that warm and fuzzy. NOW, he is. Now has an older man with a grandson it is good to see him huggy.

Anyway, I chose men that weren't affectionate because it was "safe" but I was missing something. Then I would drift towards the extreme, to the needy clingy man. So I was either isolated or I was smothered. Somewhere down that 2 year period between my separation and now, I was lucky enough to meet a man that is teaching me more and more the art of affection.

The article brought tears to my eyes, because it is true- it has to be learned. My Ex-hubby Mr. Virgo and even Mr. Leo were both emotionally isolating, more the former than the latter.

I think everyone should really read and reread that article.

posted July 27, 2004 01:26 PM              

If you do the best you can, that's good enough,
Mr. Taurus is lucky to have you,

posted July 28, 2004 11:01 AM              

I think sometimes we make the first move and then we restrict the expression of the person we love, you would understand being a Sag,