posted November 16, 2005 10:00 AM
Oh, Heaven's Above, what sign is this man?
Before you answer, read his gem's of wisdom, below:Sure, Tom Cruise has indoctrinated Katie Holmes into an unorthodox faith, abused innocent sofas in her name (which he changed to Kate), repeatedly sucked on her tonsils in public and knocked her up with lightning speed, but, hey, at least he's not Chris Klein.
Yeah, we never thought we'd say that either, but then the actress' corn-fed ex-fiancé decided to spout off to Elle. We'd like to say he comes across in the interview as a chauvinistic, pompous bonehead, but that would be an insult to all the chauvinistic, pompous boneheads out there.
Whether through overcompensation or overconfidence, Klein, who dated Holmes for five years, spews some doltish doozies during the sit-down, beginning with whether there's a favorite meal he prepares to win over his dates.
"I don't need food to impress, man," boasts the cocky "American Pie" C-lister. "It's a flash of a smile and a nice conversation. And at the end of the day, she's cooking the food."
Chris, 26, a self-described "alpha heterosexual" who only dates "8 to 10's," also reveals how displeased he is if a woman he's seeing gains a few pounds.
"I'm not tolerant of that at all," declares the actor, who says he has no problem telling his swollen squeeze to shape up.
"When a woman isn't feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she'll ask you if you like her body," he pontificates. "You have to say no."
Klein then rejects the interviewer's suggestion that "they're just looking for you to say, 'You look beautiful to me, honey.'" "If they do, it's placating," he scoffs. "I don't placate."
Given this attitude, it's not surprising when he admits the "worst thing" a woman ever said to him was, "You're a [expletive that rhymes with 'brass pole']."
As he recalls, "The time it really hurt was when a stranger said it. I was just trying to tell this chick to get lost. I try to treat all women with respect whether they're pretty or ugly. I want to be nice and be like, 'Wow, thanks for the attention. But get out of my face.'"
A few other gentlemanly gems from the chat include Chris describing wooing a woman as a "predator-prey situation" and admitting he stays "very closed off until a woman deserves to know me completely."
Asked if this approach makes it tough for potential partners to unravel the enigma that is Chris Klein, he sneers, "Hey, man, I'm not here to hold hands and babysit. She's got to come to the table with something."
As for his romance with Holmes, Klein reveals they "had an absolute ball, but we grew up." He insists they're still friends even though they don't talk, and dismissively says he doesn't keep up with her "amazing" Cruise coupling, which in the wake of this interview now seems slightly less cringe-inducing (curse you, Chris Klein!).
"No way," he huffs. "I've got fantasy football to play."
Lindaland
UBBFriend: Email This Page to Someone! 
posted November 16, 2005 10:00 AM
posted November 16, 2005 05:34 PM
posted November 16, 2005 06:50 PM
this guy is not allowed to “aim high” 
posted November 18, 2005 10:52 PM
