posted December 11, 2005 06:27 PM              

I want to know how I am percieved here. My recent ex-Cancer used to tell me I was patronising. I hope that isn't true but am open to anything if it helps me grow.

I guess I can seem very sure of myself, but its the opposite. I am sure when helping other people only, like most of us I would guess.

However, I have a terrible relationship with myself and need to build this from scratch almost.

I am attempting to transform a neurotic ego into a funtioning ego.

I love the movie Batman Begins, and I feel a bit like Bruce Wayne when he was growing through his anger and pain and embracing the shadow within ( I was a huge comic fan as a kid, the dignity and heroism of the characters gripped me, they became my father figures in some ways). Plus I had a huge crush on Wonder Woman (especially Linda Carter - hubba hubba), such a loving and caring heroine, powerful, feminine and vulnerable all at the same time. She was likely a Libra, Batman is without doubt a Scorpio.

Maximus from Gladiator is another role model of mine (NOT Russell Crowe himself though) - this guy was an Aries through and through.

I think I have something of a "Messiah complex" and want to save the world. But I need to save myself first it seems.

This feels so bloody narcissistic, but I assure you its for wisdom and integration purposes only.

With such a limited knowledge I can hardly expect a thorough personality analysis, just general opinions.

I know I need to lighten up, but that doesn't come easily.

I would be so very grateful for anything really. Positive or negative feedback is useful.

I think I've scared myself a bit here...

Love to you all

Swerve x

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posted December 11, 2005 07:41 PM            

It's funny how people perceive themselves as oppossed to how others see them. I see you as an extremely insightful individual who is in touch with your and other peoples emotions. A great wit and intelligence to top it off. I wholheartedly disagree with you coming across as "knowing it all". You're advice is never intrusive and you seem to be very respectful, yet tell it like it is.

That's my opinion. Have more faith in yourself, we all have our demons but we have our angels too

You're advice you gave me yesterday really helped me out and hopefully you can see what a posotive effect you have on people!

posted December 11, 2005 09:02 PM              

My God has the anger started to rise in me, I remember her threatening to kill us both loads of times if she was angry with me. I worry that she will do something to the dogs at home now she has no-one else to take it out on. But as much as I hate her more for it I will NOT be sucked in! She is the most manipulative ***** I have ever known.

Told me to kill myself because I was such a loser.

My Nan was an old-fashioned Victorian type person and couldn't handle her at all, used to tell me I was exagerrating or being silly and to shoosh and behave.

The latest Cancer isn't really even a blip on my radar.

Its 2am and I can't sleep now all the memories are flooding back.

I have cut off contact to my Mum for the last couple of days and she has left messages threatening to tell my friends I have killed myself if I don't respond.

What a hateful piece of **** she is.

I am so sorry for venting here, but I literally have NOWHERE to get this off my chest.

Boy do I feel liberated and so so much stronger.

And in no part down to the wonderful people here.

Thank you so much.

posted December 11, 2005 09:04 PM              

Look inside yourself dear heart. You will find everything you need. It is all waiting in there patiently. With every life lesson comes a silver lining...sometimes you just get quite a few of those lessons at one time. It can be hard to swallow and hard to remember who you are beneath it all, but rest assured that the person who survives out of the chaos will be the better for it. Know that you are loved...know that you are unique and special...know that your emotions and feelings are what remind you you are alive...know that it will all be worth it in the end.

posted December 12, 2005 03:04 AM              

If so, Letting Go is probably not that easy for you.

But do you want to carry baggage around with you, for the rest of your life, into every interaction you have? It will get rather heavy and cumbersome after a while.

posted December 12, 2005 04:05 AM              

For years I kept trying to find out what was wrong with me. There isn't anything bloody wrong with me. Which is why I thought I had everything at some point.

It a moment of realisation.

I can't be bothered to be angry anymore. I certainly don't feel sorry for myself.

I think I am going to have to cut her off. I can build my own family in a few years.

The problems have just surfaced in a different area of my life to make me face them as I was clearly in a mild form of denial.

So yes there awas indeed a reason for my latest tribulations and now I am very very thankful for them.

If I had dated a nice person I would have just carried on. What I needed was someone who would be as cold and unsympathetic as the Cancer brought me up.

Done me a right favour. I don't hate either of them.

Thanks again guys, I won't be needing to vent again, I learn quickly.

Cheers,

posted December 12, 2005 02:06 PM              

Goes both ways if you need me.

posted December 12, 2005 02:42 PM              

You've almost always struck an awe within me when you reply to posts with what seems to be the right thing to do in the said situation. It's like you intuitively pick the High-Road answers out of the ethers and translate in a way we can understand. Pretty neat.

As for the building the personality and self from scratch, I had been in deep thought for the past couple of days about some other issues in my own life. I think and do similar growth things like you too.

I had been pondering about how people generally think they consciously make so many important things. Thoughts like this thread for example, earning a living, raising children, entertainment, growth, and other stuff. Lots of possibilities. Then I thought about the unconscious functionalities that go on, the miraculous detail and genius of Mother Nature through us ~ the functioning of our bodies through complex chemistry and physics unbeknownst to the genuises of our time, how our brains work, our eyes, our hearing, our hormones, spermatoza and ova . . . thoughts like that expanding out to just how the Earth revolves on its axis with complex ecosystems and hasn't been struck by a massive meteor in a long, long time. Since the dinosaurs or Atlantis ~ depends on who you talk to. The point is ~ we don't ponder about how to make them work or how to build them ~ they just are, (consciously envisioned by whom?) and they do their thing without us literally thinking about it.

And somehow it seemed at the time of thought that those things appear so much more complex, sophisticated and ingeniously intelligent than sentient human decisions at times.

In addition, it seems we must make and do billions of complicated things without ever really realizing it. So on the flip side, even the most simple activity or the state of "being" exercises so much without one truly knOwing, or metaphorically blind.

How far does the magick of human thought go? How deep can we go in understanding our underlying behaviors with the tools we think we have?

posted December 12, 2005 03:44 PM              

You can find the glitterai anywhere, anytime.

posted December 12, 2005 06:14 PM              

As we evolve we open our minds to the universe and search for meaning. It seems that science sets itself against a divine intelligence. The laws of physics seemingly explaining away all the magic.

But I always wondered...if there is something the ever expanding wisdom of science cannot examine, cannot come to know as Truth, whether we label that logic, the laws of physics or whatever, just one single thing.

Then the whole game ends and we arrive at the unknowable conclusion before we are truly ready to embrace it.

We are forced to take baby steps in line with the evolution of our species. It all fits and is working to plan.

There are hints to guide us back on track if we stray too far in one direction, a gentle guidance that forgives our blundering arrogance. Astrology is one such hint to me.

The magnificence of it all can bring a tear to my eye.

I hear you.

posted December 12, 2005 06:20 PM              

You are my Earth I lack completely in my chart.

I cherish your input more than most.

Swerve x

posted December 17, 2005 10:55 AM              

1) If you like philosophy, do some reading about the ego. Try to find out what the ego really is. I think it's in place to keep us sane.

2) If others do not see what you think they should know, then don't try to come across as some kind of finished product. It's something we all tend to do. But then we lose out on a constant flow of healthy feedback from others.

posted December 17, 2005 11:00 AM              

I'm doing a LOT of reading on the ego at the moment. Fascinating stuff. Its more my unconscious I need to change though really I feel.

Thanks.

posted December 17, 2005 12:59 PM              

So I guess you are in the process of changing something you believe in...