posted January 29, 2006 07:22 AM              

I had a little funeral day yesterday, writing my troubles in paper and burning them to release the pain and grieve for the day. Cathartic and cleansing process.

But, having done this I feel compelled to send an e-mail to my ex-Cancer who has almost identical placements to yourself and you are aware of the whole situation having been such a wonderful help through the messy ending.

I am still troubled by the bad energy left there and the fact the air was never cleared. Its not my nature to leave things as festering wounds. I would like to make peace.

However, I think she has had a slightly immature reaction to the ending and labelled me as a kind of stalker, or just isn't interested in making the peace, not to get back, but to just be able to have the final memory as a happy one. As a Pisces I feel this is important, like a silver lining to a cloud.

However, like a weak Piscean (talking about just myself here fellow Fishes) I told her that I had been obsessed in an e-mail just after Christmas, partly because she made me feel like this and I fulfilled the role, very Fishy thing to do. The point of the e-mail was to say I was sorry how I pushed her but I have a feeling it did more harm than good. I regret that now because no doubt she now thinks I'm a nutter.

My question to you is, will this new e-mail be the wrong thing to do? How would you react to it? Should I just leave it alone and learn to live with the fact we will never be friends now? She is very young, and quite immature, a real party girl, but is soft underneath. Very very easily upset and can be either silent or vicious in her response. How were you at her age?

Would you be wishing I would just "get it" and bugger off? Or would you slowly come round to maybe saying Hi if I gently contacted you from time to time.

I don't even care if she has another bloke now, its not about that. Its about being friends with someone I genuinely care about as a person when all the emotional turmoil of the failed relationship has died down. I just became impatient before because she stonewalled me when I wanted to try and sort things out. Has the emotion died down enough now for her to be open, or is the door closed for ever?

Maybe its too soon as well. Althoguh the relationship ended in September (wow, long time ago when I say it like that) the drama went on until December.

Am I just plain wrong to want to do this. I need an objective perspective from a relevant position, and that CM, is you darling.

Thanks,

posted January 29, 2006 08:05 AM              

I have just erased the long post I wrote in response to you and at the end...the simplest of statements seemed best...

Let Her Go.

There is no need to 'contact' her again...that chance was given in December. You already have done so....let it go.

Most importantly: Release YOURSELF.

You may have done little wrong overall other than continuing to hang on to something that has ended----nearly 6 months later. You have told her you were sorry...you have written her...and she wants you to 'get the Message'....Listen for it Swerve.

I realize you 'hear' it but you are not accepting what you are hearing. You know you are not a stalker or nutter (I love that British word!!)...just someone who desires LOVE and to be loved...

Save your amor for one who truly can give back to you....and let go of those who have made other plans...find your Peace with this Today Swerve. It IS there waiting inside of you...

Embrace the quiet of Peace.

Gentle Hugs-

GemStar

posted January 29, 2006 09:49 AM              

Yeah, I know you're right, and I don't mean that dismissively, I get it.

It is just so uncomfortable that she will forever remember me as some sort of a fruitcake now. We bonded so well at first, at it has just disintegrated into lies, deception (from a girl I roomed with I found out), misunderstandings and painful silence. Just about the worst outcome I could have imagined.

I don't care HOW strong one's self-esteem is, that is gonna hurt and fester. Bloody marvelous!

I have always been an outsider and tried to have something normal, but alas, I didn't have the experience to handle this correctly or choose someone who is suitable for me (which is tough anyway because I am so intense).

I have let go of all the pain and the anger and am not in love with her anymore so I'm past that bit, have come out of it with much higher self-regard and so much mess has been dealt with so I am grateful for that. It's just so stupid that she had to be so mean about it, I mean come on get a grip and be civil. I wonder if she was a pathological liar as well, but I only have snippets of evidence, so I have to avoid driving myself nuts with that.

I pity the next guy she gets involved with as she is still hiding from her own troubles. I wish her clarity and love I really do. But not from me.

I want to keep everything I have learnt about moving on, which has taken a while to sink in, and hopefully I won't be so naive to red flags, both hers and mine, next time.

You know that wonderful moment when you meet someone new and all of a sudden they fil your thoughts and intrigue you so that the past fades to black and white. I think thats when you know you are finally over your ex. I think I've left it long enough for it not to a rebound either. I just don't want to force anything this time and takes it as it comes, hopefully having enough confidence in myself now to just sigh and shrug if it doesn't work out.

I won't send that e-mail. I just needed to hear a voice of reason. Thanks.

posted January 29, 2006 09:50 AM            

I agree with the above poster. Let her go. If you keep contacting her, trying to force resolution, you will indeed seem like a stalker. She made it clear that she wants you to leave her alone. I know your intention is not to be that way but honestly, no holding back, you are dangerously close to crossing the line of lovesick ex to obsessed stalker. We might understand your feelings of love and your desire to hold on to the "dream" of this girl, as you yourself called her. But she might not. To her you might look like a crazed obsessive guy who she regrets ever knowing. Don't push it. Walk away. Not everything gets resolution. Maybe the lesson is to learn to move on without it.

posted January 29, 2006 09:56 AM              

It wasn't a motive to get back together, it was just the feeling of the nastiness it turned into.

Don't worry I haven't forgotten all I've learnt. I just wondered if resolution was possible.

You have given me the women's perspective and my answer. C'est la vie huh?

Cheers,

posted January 29, 2006 10:35 AM              

It's very hard when you feel you understand someone a LOT, perhaps better than they understand themselves.. and you really see them , when you look into their eyes.. you see their problems, you see their hurt, you see their happiness, you just see their very soul.. and you really want to help them somehow and be there for them no matter what, for ever. When you feel that much of a connection, you want to believe it's reciprocated and the other person sees YOU too.. But sometimes they just don't. This girl didn't see you for who you are.. She didn't trust you. If she felt the same connection, and if she felt it with the same intensity.. she would've never believed that girl you roomed with, or anything else. She would've believed you and she would've listened.

Maybe you feel as though if you email or talk to her and get back in contact.. You'll show her the person you *are*..and maybe then she'd understand and feel that connection also.. but she isn't open to the person you are. You can't see something if you refuse to see it. This is probably the hardest thing to accept.. That you really can’t do anything about her opinion of you. But look, you know who you are. You know you’re NOT that person. If that is how she chose to see you, If she didn’t look below the surface *then*.. she won’t do it now.

Not everyone is open or ready to have an intense emotional experience like that.. and I don't think she was(is).

posted January 29, 2006 11:16 AM              

Intensity is something to embrace and love about yourself. Other intense people will gravitate towards this depth in you. AND-Anyone less intense will be too superficial to connect with you. Do not put this down in yourself!!

When things do not work out my way with a partner/friend, and I need to release them from my life, I visualize this:

I am walking down the street by myself...having just let someone go in my life and walking towards a corner with a beautiful bricked side of a building on my left...I can not see around to the left of the solid building's corner...and I walk forward KNOWING that someone new and exciting will turn the corner at the right moment...and I will be ready!! (Unencumbered no less!!) And perhaps they themselves at this very moment are releasing themselves from a situation maybe not unlike yours!! THEN-that person begins their forward city stroll...ready to turn right at the beautiful building corner and meet YOU!!

If we hang onto someone who is not at the same place as us, we waste valuable time for ourselves and our friends.
PLUS--because we chose to hang onto the wrong relationship for fear that it is a mistake to let go, the wait for the better person Life has chosen for us simply becomes prolonged!! So...we must let go of those who can not give us what we desire...and walk towards the unknown city corner in anticipation of meeting new and exciting people who we have yet to cross paths with!!

All it takes is ONE day to change your life. And it works the same way with people...it only takes ONE person to change your Life forever. These changes will be constant and many wonderful people who you have yet to meet will always appear!!

Have Faith! You are doing fine!! Totally natural feelings...just gently swim yourself out of the murky puddles
into the fresh and cool waters of Life!!

GemStar

posted January 29, 2006 11:51 AM              

You said you really just want her to know where you're coming from, right?

You've given her enough information for her to be able to sense where you are coming from. You cannot control what she does with it.

posted January 29, 2006 01:07 PM              

so i am trying to answer in a very genralised way and that too with a man 's perception , hope it helps .

i dontthink mail is a bad idea , afterall it would be messaging my ego .
we might have a normal relation , may be just acquitances but it would be real difficult for us to be friends with our ex .that too in a relation that ended on a unhapppy note .
remember, we forgive but we dont forget . and if she accuses you of a stalker , it is prolly heart felt ( it could be a bit of emotional manipulation , if you wanna call that but then you too are a water and as prone to it as us ,so she has her own assumptions and facts )

you ofcourse are not plain wrong in your want but broken relations for us are " broken" with almost nil chances of revival .

posted January 29, 2006 04:55 PM              

It was bad, but I don't have to look at it. Instead I started to clean house-
Things aren't so bad, Valentine's Day is coming up and it was over with him before it started because there are things I didn't know.

God has a plan for all of us and we dont' have a crystal ball, we have to trust that he has a plan for each individual, although we get so much self esteem from each other, there will be another someday. We have to follow the plan and trust it without worrying, winter comes, summer comes, without our help so we have to trust our friends.

Swerve, I would say trust your instincts on this, you have to protect yourself right now, and for some reason immature people do best with time and distance. Even that immature Aquarius I dated this summer, called and was reasonably friendly to me, after I left him alone.

My winter hasn't been great, but it's better than last year. I have to follow the plan set down for me, and I did meet another Aquarius only now I know that he will be mainly bitter and self obsessed and that's okay for a friend, not a b/f. We learn pretty quickly what to stay away from and that's how we survive.

People are secretly under stress and doing all sorts of things at certain times, we have to trust that and let them go for a while to do whatever it is they are doing.

posted January 29, 2006 05:52 PM              

From another, almost ex. co-dependant

posted January 29, 2006 07:20 PM              

In my intuitions I see her calling me in 6 months or so time, I will have moved on. I feel all this was for a reason so so strongly and I am being prepared for a Queen. I must be able to fit the mantle of being her King. JUst have this feeling.

Not the Cancer I must emphasise. Someone new. I won't look for her or yearn for her because that would simply predispose me to the same mad cycle. I have grown beyond that now I feel, but need to rationalise through other peoples' opinions who I respect.

That would be all you lovely people.

God I love you lot.

And God too, he has been like a father to me of late. I needed him and He was there, always there in truth. I'm not particularly religious, I just know someone is with me always.

I really do wish her the best. I wish that for myself now too.

posted January 30, 2006 06:54 AM              

I'm a Cancer Moon (if that is of any real consequence), and I'm really with GemStar all the way here.

I really think you should close this book now. Some books just aren't good enough to even attempt to finish them.

You owe it to yourself to allow yourself to begin to heal.

Not only that, but you owe it to some fabulous woman out there who can't enter your life until you have stopped fixating on this Cancer chica.

Someone said somewhere that you said it yourself... something about Self Respct... Respect yourself Swerve. Start the process by not allowing yourself to get wrapped up in people that choose not to respect You.

From reading your other string in SU, it is pretty evident that this woman doesn't have any respect for the deep and passionate feelings that sometimes consume you. (I'm only guessing here, but...)These feelings of yours are probably a large part of your life. This kind of passion in people isn't the kind of passion that you can just turn on and off at the flick of a switch. It is part of who you are.

Whatever woman you choose to spend these passionate feelings on had damn well better appreciate, and respect you for it!

You are a very unique man. Not typical (from what I've seen) in any way. You say the kind of things that most women wish their husbands/lovers/boyfriends were capable of saying... but it would be out of character for them, and wrong.

posted January 30, 2006 09:14 AM              

Someone gets it.

Swerve: You'll be fine. I know what it's like. It may hurt for a little while... I've found that for every person that doesn't like or understand something about me, there are 3 that like me just for those reasons.

posted January 31, 2006 12:19 AM              

Mom ~ Scorp Sun/Moon (Mars & Neptune)
Hubby ~ Scorp Rising
Daughter ~ Scorp Moon (Pisces Sun)
SIL/Best Friend/Business Partner ~ Scorp Sun (Mercury & Unranus in Scorp... Sun, [Libra] Moon, Mercury & Pluto in the 8th)

posted January 31, 2006 03:45 AM              

I'm sorry to hear how it ended with this lady

(phew - Cancerians tho, they can be right loopy at times < and i say that as a Cancer-Rising meself )

But i back up the others in saying know when to stop giving out energy to someone that doens't give any back.

My boyfriend (also a soft-hearted Pisces! ) had exactly the same trauma of being suddenly and totally cut out of the life of his ex-girlfriend (for a number of complicated reasons, none of which were quite good enough to ostracise someone like that in my opinion!).

Like you were saying, he was gutted, not so much about the relationship ending, but about the fact that he'd lost her as a friend (not a *proper* friend tho, i'll warrant, if she could do that to him).

But there's definitely a time when you have to stand firm and do exactly the opposite to what your guts are screaming for you to do.. and this is probably it.

Leave it like this... she's a Cancer, right? So there's a very small likelihood she may seek you out again at some point in the future. But let *her* do the work, it sounds like you've done enough.

posted January 31, 2006 04:03 AM              

>>I am still troubled by the bad energy left there ...its not my nature to leave things as festering wounds. I would like to make peace.

Understandably you're seeing this negatively. Not having closure is very hard, but even (and especially) relationships that end this way teach you Something about Stuff.

So don't think of it in terms of what you've lost, but what you've learnt.

That bad energy will disperse over time - or more likely someone else will crash in and blow it all away, and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about in the first place.

Sit tight!

posted January 31, 2006 05:28 PM            

I told you awhile back your paths will cross again for whatever reason and you will stand tall and strong if you just let it happen no need to rush and show her the man you are she will see it in due time and I hope that when that happens she is out of your system and you will have found a new lady who really deserves you.

posted January 31, 2006 05:47 PM              

She won't get in touch, she is probably scared of me now, or rather what she has let me become in her mind.

She will probably think that I am going to send her something on Valentine's Day and she will be quivering and getting all anxious about that. She needn't worry, it ain't gonna happen!

I don't think she misses me. I think that will come when enough time has passed for her to see me as I really am. The truth will settle with her at some point. That I feel is true, but have to control myself into not waiting for it.

Even if she contacted now, what would I truly gain? She wouldn't have devoted as much time and effort into changing herself as I have, and that would only lead to another disappointment, maybe even on my side this time.

Silly little Crab.

I see life through a different lens now anyway.

Swerve