posted March 01, 2006 10:40 AM            

Why most of us have a fear of relationships and emotional attachment?! Is it because of a past relationship, or maybe it's because of a broken heart, or because we all in a serch of an ideal?

I don't know how or why I get drawn to emotionally unavailable men, but I do.
I do like being single and hate it. But then if I really wanted to remain this way then I shouldn't be fantasizing about being in a relationship and being in love, which I do quite a bit (but would never admit to). It's not the fact that you have a full life or standards that is the problem, but being at the point where you can really let yourself go with someone. If you don't give them all you got, how will you ever know if they were right for you or not? I guess there has to come a point sometime, where you let someone in your heart for real. That's pretty scary.....I've run from that, for a very long time. It took good 5 years to allow anyone to get close.
It's also kinda fear keeping me single, but it's more like skepticism. Most people are intrinsically good, but their souls are covered by layers upon layers of twisted beliefs, dogmas, etc. that would distort them from seeing what kind of person I am in my core. And because of that, it makes me fear that rejection is inevitable. And while I understand that in such a situation it probably isn't my fault so much as the fault of the relationship, I don't want to be wounded by someone I may love.
Who on earth said that all of us have to settle down? It's a simply a myth and nothing else. Just for the record, in the near future there is No waiting question, if I am planing to settle down? I am taking my time.
I think we should give some time to ourselfs to understand where both of us want to take this relation to. Because for what is going on right now between you and me, and I am going to be frank with you, I think I am in for an tumultuous ride down the proverbial emotional rollercoaster. I understand that having me as a friend is nice, as much as having you as a friend and I undestand that you don't want to loose me as much as I don't want to loose you, but I don't want to be always on the back burner.

This was my letter to my Aries guy after we had very open conversation about me and him. He said he is not emotionally ready, and he is ont ready to settle down. Do you think I have scared him with my marriage talks, and how old i am getting etc.

posted March 01, 2006 10:57 AM              

Don't blame yourself for anything, there is nothing wrong with you Let me tell you something from stories around me, there is no such thing as "emotinally not ready" or "not ready to settle down yet". These are lame excuses people make up. I know people who met and fell in love in 3-4 months, got married, and they are living happily ever after! I know another story where a woman asked a man to marry her, after having been best friends for ever, he accepted at the moment without telling her oh i need to think about it, commitment, emotionally ready, bla bla...

If it is love, it is love, if it is not, it is not! He is not for you and you didn't scare him, he is not right for you, you are not meant to be together. Continue being who you are...if you met the right guy and hinted at marriage, he will marry you in a blink of an eye

posted March 01, 2006 11:28 AM              

i think all that the hyphoteses you've said are correct. each person has its own reasons.

me, for example, i'm extremelly romantic and i've known a person with whom i would really like to marry, but i just thought we hadn't had enough money and all of that, and i only knew him for days...

you said: « I don't know how or why I get drawn to emotionally unavailable men, but I do. »
- what ocurred to me was "Maybe its because SHE is emotionally unavailable too...". i'm saying this because my best friend is the most carrer oriented person i've met in my whole life...and she "complains" that she hasn't found no one that really love her and make her happy... the thing is, the persons that come to her life (they appear, she never looks for them...) are also carrer oriented, so they don't find love to be that important in order for them to direct their energies into the relationships... that my view of things of course...

and in my case, i've never been afraid of relationships and commitment, and i've never been into a relationship where the other person wasn't as commited to our story as i did.

i've read something in the past, similar to this: "when you're sure of the other person's love for you, you can love her with no insecurities, no pretension of being in control, since you KNOW she loves you... " if your heart is sure of that, there's no insecurity that can "corrupt" your ego, your inner security, your relationships... even if the relationship ends, you deal with it has a wonderful experience that you've been through, which made you grow up, learn many things... and perhaps make you even stronger...

my ex was an Aries, he was the most passionate man i've ever known... but i think yes, he'd probably be scared if i talk to him about marriage lol

***

I do like being single and hate it.

posted March 01, 2006 02:28 PM              

I consider it like a set of scales where you bring your own baggage, ideas and beliefs to the side you are on. They swing up and down as things change, opinions evolve, things become resolved that fo there ever to be a pure static balance between 2 people is quite frankly impossible. I think the best relationships have 2 people fairly secure in who they are and the changes are more slight, that way they meet in the middle more often, but I don't subsrcibe to there being a perfect person out there who will always balance you out no matter what. Another part of this is also the ability of the two to handle the IMBALANCED TIMES, because these are the true tests of any relationships, not the good times, everyone knows how to handle those. Actually, some don't even know how to do that and DELIBERATELY create imbalance to make themselves feel more comfortable in the arrangement.

Some people are happier in conflict and uncertainty believe it or not, while others are cynical and test the other with these times.

So many variables and so many consistently changing influences make it difficult to find true balance between 2 people. Plus desire comes into the equation as well, which waxes and wanes between even the strongest of connections anyway.

Probably still worth it in the long run, but keeping your own perspective should always be the key. That way any decision made within the relationship will always be yours alone.

So to make this rambling relevant, I think we have different needs and wants from love at any time. Scared of being single? Just part of the particular weight we bring to the side of the balance. I'm sure at different point in life your approach and goals will differ, your confidence too. Those reasons you try at all affect the whole thing from the start, even of the momentum of the weight of your motivation decreases or increases within the experience of that particular relationship.

I personally would love a girl who could express herself as you did, really really nice. But yeah, most people would be intimidated by such raw honesty unfortunately.

posted March 01, 2006 06:42 PM            

Liz, I'm going to be very blunt, frank, strait forward --- you need to get a job! so that you have less time to get emotional... how's that going? the job search?

just like I said to you earlier, i m not ready.., i don't want to... I'm not interested in "that"..., my mind is not there right now... sometimes a cigarette is just a cigarette, if you have heard this one before!

leave it alone...

let it go and don't spoil it again....

time will show if it's meant to be. All the other emails you have sent, about waiting for the right time and person, destination, true love and etc... stop questioning the faith too much, you are not in the position to do so, no one is... God is the only one, leave it up to him, and make best out of it. But most off all, if you don't want to drive people crazy, get busy! Get busy helping others instead off concentrating on yourself. Instead of perfecting yourself thru yourself, you will se that the world will help you to prefect yourself from the outside... You're a human and you meant to be part of the outer world just as much as the inner. Try to reach out to others .. and not only thru gifts or trying to "dictate" them your believes and ideas, but also by simply trying to understand them and giving them room in your life and mind the way the would like it to be part of it... otherwise you will force people to run away and keep a distance... this is my truly, friendly advice.... life can't just evolve around you only, be part of it and don't isolate by believes that have been written by some other self-centered people... People suck!, but what makes you a better person is not that you try to isolate them from your life or let them know who much they suck, but simply giving them a chance to be part of your world and let them learn at their pace, even if is at the cost of lifetime... You have a good sole, but let others to find it out...

posted March 01, 2006 08:00 PM            

I've been single a loooooooooooooooonnnnng time (at this point I no longer consider myself divorced, just single haha)and have just gotten used to being single, not that I like it...relationships for me have come and gone, and I would really like someone in my life to stay. You have every right to ask for what you want out of relationships and life (and get it!)

posted March 02, 2006 10:23 AM            

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want
you,nothing can make him stay.

2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him
alone.

4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to
be.

6. Don't force an attraction.

7. Slower is better.

8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly
Happy.

9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you
deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat
a
friend.

10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith
make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.

11. Don't settle.

12. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship--take that as a
BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like
that?

14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at
yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a
whole lot of mess.

16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.

18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different
women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he
treat you any differently?

19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.

20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.

21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers
you, speak up.

23. Like from the show Sex and the City, if he doesn't call, he just
isn't that interested.

24. Be honest and upfront.

25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.

26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the
situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move
on).

27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he
treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).

28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental
abuse. If he causes any of them...flee.

29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.

30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow
himself -- double-standard.

31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if
he has more education or in a better job.

32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing
less.

33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!

34. Don't compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted
to what they see.

35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away
and if you feel he's lying, let him go.

36. Actions speak louder than words.

37. Never let a man define who you are.

38. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.

39. Never borrow someone else's man.

40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt
you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.

42. To use painful hard-won wisdom -- 'get it right' the next time.

43. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the
.1 person in your life.

44. Love is a verb ...

45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone
unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone
unloving-loving.

46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

47. All men are NOT dogs.

48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a
two way street.

49. If you don't love self...you can't love anyone else.

50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart.

51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute
about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new
relationship.

52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship
consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not
supplementary.

53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

54. NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.

55. Never become your man's "therapist".

56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the
actions.

57. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end
it - but it takes two to make it work.

58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you
there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for
you.

59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are,
and you're always readily available to him he takes it for granted.

60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure =
him to spend time with you, You cant force a man to hang out with you.

61. If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn't.

62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

63. Never move into his mother's house.

64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.

65. Never co-sign for a man.

66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.

67. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.

68. Never let a man mess up your credit.

69. When it's time to let go; let go.

70. Good men should be treated like good men.

71. Don't play games.

72. You can't make a ***** into a housewife - or husband.

73. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you
need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs,
personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important.

75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts.

Now just because these are more directed to women about the men in their
lives does not mean that SOME of these cannot apply to men about the
women in their lives.

posted March 02, 2006 12:21 PM              

Thanks for that.

posted March 02, 2006 10:28 PM              

For some of us, we are more alone in a relationship that does not meet our needs.

No, I'm not scared, but younger women usually ask me that. I say it's not that I want to be comfortable-fun for me is not about dating, and marrying anymore, it's about expressing strong feelings in or out of a relationship.

posted March 03, 2006 03:52 PM              

im single, i think im very scare of the boredom of being with one person, spending my life with one man absouetly scare me off.
even though i want to have a child and family (a child very bad)

but minus the pros and cons, still much happier to play the field for a little while, when i settle down with a guy, my social life has to cut down a lot, im not ready for it yet.

cappy sun, taurus moon, mars scorpio, venus aqua, jup libra, sag ac

posted March 05, 2006 01:54 PM              

I am with you on that

Why does the society require a legal marriage for 2 person to be togther. Why can't there be trust without that...

For me if 2 people are in love, they don't require a formal marriage to have a long lasting relationship of husband and wife. The marriage could be just for legal purposes (or cultural/religious purposes for some people). However for this both the persons should be on the same wavelength.