posted October 23, 2006 05:56 PM
OH…THE HORRORSCOPES… This year, Halloween may very well be the gateway to the underworld it's always been advertised as. There's never been a better one to embrace your dark side. This month the Baron explores what kind of monster you really are. Embrace the demon within to protect you from the demon without.
ARIES: Evil Wizard
Aries, your demonic side shows up in horror movies, novels, myths, etc. You're a total cliché. You're that power-hungry kid who summoned a dark spirit for power, and got their soul eaten. You're the esteemed Dr. Faustus and the ill-fated Raistlin. You're the evil wizard. In order to gain the power you need in order to be yourself, you sacrificed yourself. That was dumb. Consider a demonic, tripped out version of yourself for Halloween. Also consider clutching the air as if holding a crystal ball and saying "I…have…the…POWER!"
TAURUS: The Gluttonous
Taurus, underneath those smooth layers of silky flesh lies a black hole of hunger. Whether you're fat or slim, you have to admit that a glutton lives within. In order to make your evil obvious to everyone this Halloween, you could go as Jabba the Hut, or his cousin, Pizza. But that's not good enough. Taurus, just as you demand the best of every sensual experience, you should demand the best of a Halloween costume. Settle for nothing less than the "Undead Shut-In." After choking on a turkey leg, you shoved off this mortal coil, but through black magic (or possibly a virus), you're back, and you're ready to put all mortal gourmands to shame. No longer bound to the needs of your failing form, you can stuff yourself without reservation. Brains! Turkey! Sandwiches with fancy mustard!
GEMINI: Agree to Disagree
This is going to be hard. How do talk about the inner demons of someone who is already half-devil? Easy. You are your own hell. It is the conflict between the divine and the demonic that defines your demonic form. You are Jekyll and Hyde. The two headed beast which ends up arguing with itself. A werewolf unable to keep its promises. A hermaphrodite at war with its own genitalia. I suggest grafting another head onto your outfit this Halloween. It will dispute everything you say. Narrate this conflict for party going excellence.
CANCER: The Mothership
Deep inside the lads and ladies of Cancer lives a Mom dangerously committed to momming. She would rather kill her children than let them grow up, and would rather kill their foes rather than let them be challenged. Here's a costume idea. Evil housewife with a swarm of zombie children on leashes tethered to your belt, from which hangs a severed phallus. Nice. Or go as a double-plus scary undead adult baby. It's up to you.
LEO: Iron Fist
Ask any of your friends! You're a paranoid, homicidal, egomaniacal tyrant! History's huge number of Leo dictators confirms this. Choose from a smorgasbord of Ivan the Terrible, Stalin, Napoleon and more! But don't let the past confuse you. The point is to be your very own dictator. Whatever you do, don't forget to accessorize with the "Iron Fist." Nothing says "tyrant" like the "Iron Fist."
VIRGO: BA in Ceramics, PHD in Evil
Admit it, Virgo, deep down there's an art of you that wants to strap all the broken people down to the surgery table and "fix" them. I've seen your doctor's bag of "cures," and they look suspiciously like implements of torture. Or gardening. You are the "Doctor of Evil." And we all know that it's not reality that's broken, it's you. Try concealing your fatal flaw this Halloween with a blood-smeared lab coat and a bag of chock-full of "healing." And power tools.
LIBRA: 'Till Death…
What monster could you be, Libra? You seem so polite, so witty. Well, the Baron knows where you've been keeping the evil. You're that creepy **** who can't let go of their old relationships. Even when they're dead. You're the guy who brings his dead wife to parties, and the girl who always talks about her dead boyfriend. You would rather cart a corpse around then be without sexual attention for even a moment. You're a necrophiliac of the first order. This Halloween try getting a mannequin, dressing them up really nice, and carting them around where ever you go. Tell people long, boring, sappy stories about what you and your zombie lover did last week.
SCORPIO: Parasite
Scorpio, you are the Vampire. Obviously. When what's inside putrefies into poison, there's no way for your inner negativity to renew you. A host is necessary. You have to pull the life-blood out of people who actually have feelings in order to prolong the very life you abhor. In order to customize your vampire costume, consider your feeding habits. Do you steal other people's ideas? Try "Academic Vampire." Do you feed off of other people's emotional drama? How about "Psychologist Vampire?" Don't let yourself be limited to tradition, Scorpio, you can be any kind of horrible, parasitic creep you want!
SAGITTARIUS: Crusader
Sagittarius, you're the Christian Crusaders who raped and looted the Muslim world 1100 years ago. You're the Islamic fanatics who wage suicide attacks in the name of God. You're the football player who beats up the nerds, and the nerds who come to class wearing submachine guns. You are the Crusader, drenched with the blood of innocents. You could go as a soccer hooligan, or a terrorist. It doesn't matter, as long as you're covered in the blood of the infidel.
CAPRICORN: Executive Zombie
In order to avoid being destroyed by the zombie hordes, Capricorn, you joined them. Having spent years pretending to be a zombie, there's little difference between you and them. Having been deprived of your own thoughts for so long, you're quite naturally hungry for brains. Though you may be a corporate zombie, a blue-collar zombie, or something more rare and exotic, you're still undead, Capricorn. Remember, just because you have zombies working for you doesn't mean your not one of them.
AQUARIUS: Sloppy Synthesis
Aquarius, you've stitched together the pieces of other people's identities to make your own many-colored coat. You are Frankenstein's monster. Yes, "It lives!" but you are essentially not your own. You are an abomination without a center or a source. Which explains your fashion sense. This Halloween, try stapling pictures of all the people you've stolen your identity from to your clothing. Or face!
PISCES: Kool-Aid Vortex
At the bottom of pile of zodiacal refuse, as well as the horoscope column, is Pisces. You are the wailing voice at the bottom of the whirlpool. Being essential powerless yourself, the only way you can make the world a worse place is to lure others to your own doom. You are the Siren, whose sweet call is that of death itself. For men too manly to dress like a Siren, try "Pied Piper," or "Jim Jones."
Disclaimer: If you do not take every word of these horoscopes into you with the utmost faith, you will die. Statistics bear this out. Simply scan the newspapers. You will find that an overwhelming majority of the people that die each week DID NOT read the Baron's horoscopes.
If your newspaper or your mom's website are interested in publishing the Baron's weekly prophetics, shoot this old guy an email at Dr.Coppockalypse@gmail.com. The Baron is also available for birthdays, weddings, funerals and orgies. Oh, and astrological consultations. There's that, too.
COPYRIGHT 2006 ABYSSAL EPISTLES
Lindaland
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posted October 23, 2006 05:56 PM
posted October 23, 2006 06:07 PM
posted October 23, 2006 08:39 PM
posted December 11, 2010 04:39 AM
