posted January 31, 2008 10:04 PM              

He also told me my makeup looks good.

I just started this job and I'm very happy -until now. I don't work closely with him at all. He's much older than me (he's in his 70's).

I don't know what to do. I don't want to jump the gun, but I don't want this to continue. I know there should be a way to let him know this isn't ok without freaking out.

I resemble his daughter and his wife (when she was younger).

Later that night when he left he patted me on the top of the head to say goodbye.

Is it possible he views me like a child? Maybe he's like this with everyone. I don't know because I just started working there, so I don't know how he acts with everyone or what he's like.

I actually know his DOB, but not the time - I'm going to try to find out.

posted January 31, 2008 10:34 PM              

His behavior was very inappropriate and I think he knows it. If you ask me, a 70 yr old man would be more aware of intimate behavior since they're more "old-fashioned." His mouth touched your neck... and I guessed he left some saliva on it... very inappropriate in a work setting.

Are you okay, LadyNeptune?

posted January 31, 2008 10:45 PM              

Am I ok? I am now. I was very upset when it first happened and for about an hour after. I didn't cry or anything, but I felt traumatised. I felt like a victim and I didn't like that. I think it messed me up psychologically, because I could feel contact on my neck even after it was over - like how a phantom limb would feel. I feel SO bad for anyone who is sexually assaulted, because I wasn't really, and I felt disgusting. I always wondered why in the world they would shower, but now I understand. How awful for them.

So, it isn't just me that thinks this was inappropriate...I didn't think so, but when something like this happens I guess you try to make sure it is a legitimate concern. The whole thing is really opening my eyes to how and why victims act and do the things they do that seem illogical.

posted January 31, 2008 10:47 PM              

quote:

---

If it made you uncomfortable than it wasn't appropriate. Talk to hr or someone above him... if not maybe there is a hotline to call. If he is already behaving that way towards you, since you just started, it will only get more suggestive. He might think since he is 70 people won't take his gestures in a sexually or inappropriate way. He is a creep; make a complaint.

---

We don't have an HR and there's no hotline.

posted January 31, 2008 10:59 PM              

When he looks confused (or) asks what you're talking about...

Respond like this:
"That's the direct line to the National Labor Relation Board, Right?"

*Trust me, his behavior will change immediately!

If for some reason this guy remains clueless...
Pick up the telephone and actually dial the number. Let them explain to him what is and is not approriate behavior in the work place, LOL!

By doing this it both protects your job and forces a change.

You may even discover someone has filed a complaint prior and this actually supports their case and interests further.

posted January 31, 2008 11:00 PM              

So, yes, he's the only person I can go to. Or his wife. I don't want to do that - she'd just get jealous and then hate me.

I don't want to flip out at him. I don't think that's the way to handle it. I'm guessing if it happens again I have to be firm and say something along the lines of: "What are you doin? I want you to stop that." Does that sound right? Can anyone think of a better way to say it?

It is so weird. You always think you'd know what to say and how to act; but you don't when it really happens.

posted January 31, 2008 11:01 PM            

Write down everything in detail, just like you did for us but with even more details that you might remember. If that's all you remember then that's fine. The most important thing you said on this thread so far is that you felt traumatized. Also, the fact that you weren't violently sexually assaulted doesn't give this any less value than if you were, that's extremely important for you to know.

I can almost guarantee that you are not the only woman he has done this to. Don't think of him as a 70 year old "Old Fashioned" man. He's the president of a company and probably has been for years, he is not a stupid man. And it doesn't matter whether you look like his wife, his daughter or his garbage man. It's not for you to assess why he may have done this, it's really not your concern. Your concern is to tell your Human Resources department immediately.

This man needs sensitivity training, which is corporate speak for "Lessons in how not to sexually harrass your fellow employees as well as not discriminating against them, etc."

The absolute worst case scenario is that you have to leave this job because you will not stand for being victimized. But that is the worst case scenario. There is never an amount of money that is worth being victimized or traumatized.

I'm very sorry this happened to you. If you can, tell on him right away for yourself and for the other women that might be enduring this because they need a paycheck. God bless you.

Geocosmic Valentine

Edit: Your Friend In Spirit's advice is right on the money above my post. Excellent work YFIS.

posted January 31, 2008 11:03 PM              

quote:

---

Just recite this telephone number aloud:
1-866-667-6572
When he looks confused (or) asks what you're talking about...

Respond like this:
"That's the direct line to the National Labor Relation Board, Right?"

*Trust me, his behavior will change immediately!

If for some reason this guy remains clueless...
Pick up the telephone and actually dial the number. Let them explain to him what is and is not approriate behavior in the work place, LOL!
By doing this it both protects your job and forces a change. You may even discover someone has filed a complaint prior and this actually supports thier case and interests further. You will now also be able to seek retribution on your own behalf if it came to you needed to leave your place of employment now having this documentation of this harrassment.

---

Thank you.

I don't know if I want to take that tack right now. I'd like to say something first and then get dramatic ( if, god forbid it gets to that point).

Could I call them without making a formal complaint to ask if he's been reported before?

posted January 31, 2008 11:06 PM              

LadyNeptune: I know you're in a bind. It's a new job, you like it, you were getting comfortable with it. I know, I've been there.

I left a job like that for different reasons, but I know what it's like to not want to mess it up by freaking out on him or going to his wife. But it WILL get worse if you keep mum. Don't sit on this too long. Even if you see the man once a week, verbalize your disdain. His behavior is NOT OKAY.

posted January 31, 2008 11:39 PM              

I am wondering though, are they the only ones you work for or are they your superior in some way?

If they are the only ones you work for/with, then I'm wondering why you like this job?

If you don't have to be near him then toss in a dash of avoiding him and give yourself time to think about why you want to stay there or ....not stay there and start planning an exit strategy.

A lot can be said with the eyes if you find yourself crossing paths with him. Take it one step at a time and don't be afraid to make boundaries - keep your distance if he gets too close, .....you'll figure it out as you go what your options are and when.

In the meantime, have a nice warm bath and be good to yourself....as my gramma used to say...this too shall pass.

Celestial Echo

posted February 01, 2008 12:52 AM              

if he comes close, move away a few meters, especially if other person are around. and make sure to look at him, or that he understand the reason for your move. as geocosmicvalentine said, he must have a reputation to save.

if he do that when you are alone, or in a corner or sitting, then, feel comfortable and confident when he get closer, and convince yourself that you're going to make him understand by your attitude only. and let your unconscious do the job for you. but don't feel nervous or anything cause that's what your unconscious would play out. just be confident and comfortable, safe, and nothing will happen because your instinct will react along the lines you desire. but for that, you have to feel confident when he approaches.

if you can't do that just by your attitude or if he keeps doing things like that, don't get cross with him, but bluntly ask him why is doing that? he'll be stoned to see you say something. and if you say it lightly, it's very possible that he'll back off thinking, oups that was closed, i better not do it again. humour is not appropriate cause he could take the upper hand and you'd back to square one. you can seem angry, but be careful with the words. cause even if he gets the message, he could become very annoying with you. whereas if you let him get away with it, and you say it lightly, he could respect you for that. but he has to see that you mean it. there's a fine line here.

if then he still doesn't get it after you asked him why he behaved like that or if he was promiscuous with every women, then i guess you have to take a different tone and do the number thing, or let him know clearly that you'll give him troubles because you REALLY don't appreciate his game. and explain to him why you react like that. it's inappropriate because you're his employee, you are a female, he's a "respectable" man...

posted February 01, 2008 06:00 PM              

I don't have much time to post right now, but I'll be back later to address what all of you have said. You've given me a lot to think about and have helped more than you know. Keep the advice coming!

I couldn't sleep last night and when I did it was fitful. I had bad dreams and I even was grinding my teeth, which is something I don't do and I know it's from stress.

I hated work today and that makes me mad. I didn't see him at all today. I don't see him daily.

I have this transit right now. It sounds really spot on AND it lasts until November...

Facing the depths ***
Valid during many months: This is one of the most unpleasant influences of all, requiring a strong and courageous willingness to change in order to gain any personal benefit from experiences which might, at first, seem senseless and painful. You will repeatedly feel uneasy in unexpected situations in which you felt you had already overcome any problems. This will affect many areas of your life, but particularly the relationship with your partner. If you don't happen to be in a stable relationship at this time then your close friendships will be affected. This influence will also strongly influence your relationships with father-figures, superiors and any other kinds of authority - whether spiritual, religious or ideological.
Any form of therapy will now make you aware of your vulnerabilities. Confronting the darker side of the psyche can be a devastating experience that can uncover abysses within us which we never knew existed. Despite everything, try resisting the temptation to withdraw in order to avoid such experiences. This is not the time to be proud or strong. Pause to reflect, and try talking things over with someone - you will be amazed at the amount of sympathy and understanding you encounter. Accept any offers of help - you may discover that this is not so unpleasant after all. Your current experiences will make you aware of the fallability of human nature, thus helping you to be more tolerant with yourself.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Chiron Square Saturn ,
activity period from beginning of April 2007 until end of November 2008.

I usually keep up on my transits but I somehow missed this one.

In my SR I have venus conjunct pluto in the 8th - that could pertain to this too.

I will be back later to reply to things you wrote.

posted February 01, 2008 07:13 PM            

I advise you to consider resigning. You may want to wait and see if this is a one time occurrence, but in truth there is no reason for this man to NOT try to take liberties with you. There is no one in the company that can slap him on the hand for his behavior, so if he's attracted to you he'll continue on, and things may get worse.

If this position is a serious step up compared to the jobs you've held before, you may consider trying to tough it out for 6 months to a year to build up your resume value, but if this behavior is frequent I think that would be unhealthy for you.

posted February 01, 2008 07:49 PM            

Do you have any friends at work or perhaps, an immediate supervisor? Try to always be in the same room as another coworker so that he won't flirt with you. If this isn't possible and you don't want to resign, then try wearing unflattering clothes and have an unflattering hairstyle.