posted July 06, 2008 07:58 PM         

I've never told the full story of me and my ex-husband. But to make a long, long, long story, just a semi-long story, he had basically lied to me, cheated on me, and left me and my daughter. When he left, he told me he had never loved me......not even on our wedding day. During the short time we were married, all he would do is surf the web on his laptop, or watched television. He never held my hand, and when we hugged, he was always the first to let go. He was never "there" with me, even if he was physically sitting there. His mind was always somewhere else, and it made me so empty and crazy inside that I could never BE with him, cause he was always somewhere else in his mind and heart. He drank too much, gambled too much, and did the "occasional" social drugs.

Our relationship was so toxic to me. The feeling of being alone, when your husband is lying right next to you, is the most soul emptying experience.

But I was ok now. I was over it, over him.
Then he decides to come back for July 4th weekend to see our daughter. Typically, he'll come to the house and visit with her while I'm not there. But this time he asked if we could do activities together as a family. He didn't want our daughter to see him as a stranger. So this weekend we did family activities together. Everything was fine until today. This was his last visit before going to back to california. And as I was dropping him off, my heart felt panic. He was leaving again. On the inside, I felt like screaming and grabbing hold of him, begging him to please stay....so we can be a family again. I felt my heart in my throat, and wanted to scream to him that I still loved him. On the outside, I looked cool and calm, and said a quick goodbye, and told him to have a safe flight back.

As soon as I dropped him off, and drove away, I burst into tears. I cried hard. So hard I couldn't breathe. It was the "double pumpin in" type of crying where I am gasping for air. I was a river, and the emotions were coming out some black hole inside me, spilling out. I never knew I could have that kind of emotions. I've been so cool and calm these few months. I thought I had it together. I thought I was so much better off without him, and didn't need or want him. He treated me so badly, and never even loved me.
Why can't I get over him? Am I a masochist or something?

When we first started dating, 6 months into our relationship he got scared and ran away. We were apart for 2 months. One day he asked ifhe could see me, and told me he loved me, and wanted to be with me. 2 years later, we were married. Our marriage lasted barely 2 more years, and then we divorced.

I cannot deny it any longer that he is the love of my life. I will never get over him.
I will never find love again, because I still hold love for this man, and feel like I will until the day I die. I try to date, and have been interested in a few different guys since my divorce. But none of them are the type of feeling I had, and still have for him. When he's in california, I feel ok. It's when I see him again, that just makes me fall apart all over again.

Can someone please help me understand this? Does anyone have any experiences and give any advice on how I can move on? Will I ever move on? I am doing everything physically, mentally, and emotionally possible to try to forget him and move on with my life. Why does it only take one smile from him, one touch, and I'm in love with him all over again?

I've posted his chart, our synastry chart, and our composite. Can anyone please help me to understand all of this?

posted July 06, 2008 09:01 PM         

I'm sorry to hear that you are in so much pain, but I also think that the crying episode you had was cathartic for you and part of your grieving-healing process. It will be necessary from time to time.

Most psychologists agree that the grieving process takes a MINIMUM of 3 years, whether it is the loss of a loved one or a marriage/long term relationship situation, so please understand that 8 months is really not a long time.

I'm going to do you a favor and paste your paragraph in here, broken down into pieces and in bold so you can re-read what your relationship was in REALITY and not what it appeared to be this past weekend:

1. He lied to me.

2. Cheated on me.

3. Left me and my daughter.

4. He told me he never loved me......not even on our wedding day.

5. During the short time we were married, all he did was surf the web, and watched television.

5. He never held my hand.

6. When we hugged he always let go first.

7. He was never "there" with me, even if he was physically sitting there (detached). His mind was always somewhere else, and it made me so empty and crazy inside that I could never BE with him.

8. He drank too much.

9. He gambled too much

10. He did drugs.

11. Our relationship was so toxic.

12. The feeling of being alone when your husband is lying right next to you, is the most soul emptying experience.

Please copy and paste this into a document and print it out for yourself and read it. Remind yourself that this is the reality of your relationship with him.

My feeling is that you broke down this weekend because one act of kindness tends to cancel out 100 acts of unkindness, so when he came here this weekend wanting to act out the "perfect family" scenario for your daughter, it was (almost) as if you were experiencing what you wanted to have with him all throughout your marriage and that never happened. So when it happened this weekend it allowed you to have the illusion that this was how it could've been and how it could be if he stayed. But the reality is in that paragraph that I broke down into that list so you could really see it clearly.

I venture to say that you are NOT really in love with your ex. You are in love with the ideal of what you "should have" had with him. You're in love with what you want to share with someone who TRULY loves you. And you want to share you wonderful loving and giving self with someone. I understand that it's hard to separate those things, especially if you are physically attracted to him, but it's a good exercise for you to make those separations in your mind. From what you wrote, he never gave you those things or if he did, it was very briefly at the beginning of your relationship and then he began to waver and separated from you before you reunited and got married. He did the right thing by separating and probably should have followed his instincts at that time. But he's only human and we ALL make mistakes.

You have a choice but I have a suggestion that might not seem so popular, but at least give it some thought. You may want to tell him that you can not have another family weekend like this until you are fully healed from your divorce. That means that he will have to have those weekends with only him and your daughter for a while until you can walk away from one of those weekends without having a break down like the one you experienced.

When I look at your synastry chart with him, you have a lot of Neptune influence between the two of you. His Neptune conjuncts your Sun, some of the many suggestions for that aspect is fantasy, fogginess, deceptions, compassion, the relationship can be spiritual but becomes platonic, co-dependence, shared addictions, the ability to pull the wool over the Sun's eyes, he can permeate your boundaries and you can do the same with him, some telepathy, etc. When you heal from your divorce with him, I feel that you two will probably be great friends and do a great job of raising your child together, but right now you have to look out for you.

I also notice that you don't have a lot of romantic Saturn connections in your chart and no strong romantic Pluto connections. Without strong Saturn connections, there is no longevity. Without strong Pluto connections to Venus or Mars, there's no deep romantic or sexual connections. You both have lots of idealism connections and what I like to call "party" connections where you party or socialize well, but those are not permanent and they fizzle out if there's no Saturn or Pluto.

The best thing from your connection together is your daughter. She was meant to come through the both of you.

I think it's a gift to you both that he has moved to California. It gives you time to heal and not have to be in his presence for a majority of the time.

You will get over this, you will meet someone else and fall in love. Just give yourself some time to heal this for real. I have to say that from your story you sound like you've been doing a GREAT JOB up until he showed up for the "The Brady Bunch Weekend". LOL!! So, if you can (I think you can.), pick yourself up again and keep moving forward. We will always fall down from time to time, but you've start again where you left off. You really can.

Remember, copy and paste that list and carry it with you to remind yourself of who he REALLY is and what your marriage really was. It was mostly a piece of paper and a miserable and LONELY experience for you. You now know that you can do better.

Peace, Love and Light to you,

Geocosmic Valentine

posted July 06, 2008 09:26 PM         

Astrology can be a great way to try to get a deeper understanding of why relationships succeed or fail, but in a situation like this, I think it would be better for you to invest in non-metaphysical strategies for understanding and healing. Like therapy and self-development. Those two things, along with the natural evolution of the healing process Geocosmic posted about, will help you much more than astrology ever could.

posted July 06, 2008 09:54 PM         

My MIND knows this but my HEART will not accept it. I don't know why he has this power over me. I feel like I would do (almost) anything for him if he asked me to. When we were married, I waited on him hand and foot. I was 9 months pregnant, cooking, cleaning, carrying down 40 pounds of laundry, lifting tv's for him, organizing, etc. I was exhausted, but I did it. I did everything.

He is the only man I have ever met who has this affect on me. I'm trying to understand where this is coming from.

I will print out the list and keep it with me. Whenever I start to have a relapse I will read it.

Thanks again for your advice!

posted July 06, 2008 10:08 PM         

You have a good week,

Geocosmic Valentine

posted July 06, 2008 10:40 PM         

GemGemGem: lots of love sent to you :x be stronger dear :x you remind me of my mommy and even my old self...

posted July 06, 2008 10:43 PM         

One thing I'd like so say is that instead of keeping a list of all the things you didn't like about him, I really think you should make a list of all the things you DO want in your next relationship.

Ex:

1. He lied to me. (Instead say...My next partner will be honest.)

2. Cheated on me. (Instead,... My next partner will be faithful)

3. Left me and my daughter. (Instead...Will be there physically and emotionally for me and my daughter)

ETC.

The reason I say this is because I truly believe that whatever you're thinking is the energy your putting out there...and that's exactly what you'll get back. So if you're constantly looking at the list and reading all those negative things then you're kind of pulling more negative towards you...but if you're looking at a list and reading posative things then you're pulling more of THAT towards you.

posted July 06, 2008 11:37 PM         

You will all be in my prayers of gratitude tonight. I know I will be able sleep without tears.

posted July 07, 2008 11:54 AM         

as time goes on you'll have a lot of "dawning" moments where
you'll think OMG, just what was I even thinking to want somebody like that so badly.
___________________________________________

Flyin_free_70, about how long does that take exactly? I was hoping 8 months would be enough time.

posted July 07, 2008 08:35 PM         

This forum is an amazing place to bare your heart and pain, as well as share joyous moments. This community genuinely cares, and is really there for eachother!

It's like therapy, with a hug!

posted July 08, 2008 01:27 PM         

Of course you are feeling tender and I think the "playing happy families" must have stirred all sorts of emotions in you.

posted July 08, 2008 01:57 PM         

Don't be sad, don't give up your soul for anyone and never look back or turn from your path.

Geo is right, you will be ok with time. Time is the ultimate healer.

posted July 08, 2008 06:57 PM         

But I wanted to let you know, that I`m also here for you, like the others.
It will take time, but someday you will wake up and you will feel free again. I mean free from that bad experience.

Oh my, honestly, it sounds like torture to be married to a man knowing that he doesn`t love you the way you do.