posted December 06, 2008 05:18 AM         

why each time what i try get totally stump on and i'm back at the beginning? and, is it just me or do people get the impression that i'm just not trying hard enough? why is it that i feel i'm generally misunderstood? (I blame my Neptune at the Ascendant)

it feels like nothing works out in my life. i do something, and all these outside forces come jumping into my life and interrupt things from being completed. i'm always back at the beginning, and i cant get out or untangle myself from this curse.

i don't want anything extravagant, i just want a simple life where i can feel normal. on contrary my life is chaotic and unstable, i hide fear and say i'm optimistic, hoping that if i keep up i'll eventually arrive at the place where i should be. but it's like someone/something is purposefully pulling me back into the original cage. WHY!?

i am SO sorry i just couldn't stop crying, i just, i don't know what to do. i can't take this anymore. don't i live hard and try to keep it up, what am i doing wrong that my life doesn't seem to reward me with what i deserve? i want all this to be over, every year i tell myself, next year will be better, and it never is...

and i want people, i need my friends, but they are all at the wrong side of the world...

really, did i do something that terrible in the former life, that i'm getting punished in this lifetime?? i really don't know...

posted December 06, 2008 05:29 AM         

read this, it might help i hope it will http://joy2meu.com/Innerchildhealing.html

posted December 06, 2008 06:43 AM         

I know exactly how you feel! I've been going through the same thing for about a decade. It's incredibly frustrating to constantly have everything you plan fall apart or destroyed in some way.

I don't know what transits you're going through, but for me, the evil Pluto in the 12th house seems to be the culprit for me plus the Saturn square Sun. I also have the natal Neptune-ascendant aspect like you, so I do understand what you mean by feeling misunderstood. People often project their own image onto me and mistakenly think I'm something that I'm not.

And things will eventually get better like in 10 more years... Keep telling yourself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and never ever give up! These struggles will only make you stronger.

posted December 06, 2008 06:54 AM         

quote:

---

It is necessary to own and honor the child who we were in order to Love the person we are.

---

This comes from Peri's link.

I love this quote. This is what I did, when I had to turn my life around. The adult side of me stepped up to the plate and batted for my inner child. I took repsonsibility of me and nurtured myself, put myself first and started to make decisions as an adult that would look after the inner vulnerable child inside. I was able to turn my life around. It was a long, slow and painful road, but reaching the destination was worth it. I can now travel each day with a lighter load - which is great, as you don't really want to carry luggage when you get older And my life is more enjoyable, too.

posted December 06, 2008 07:46 AM         

Astra, one thing is that i just had my Saturn return so it makes sense that things got harder in the last few years. but it was more like "intensified" though. there's something more to it... somehow things get more complicated when i'm involved, not because of my own decisions but from outside factors (like how my legal documents are scattered due to my parent's divorce+the parental right shifts and make everything difficult every time i initiate procedures that require these things).

but the past few years, it's really been like a parade of bad luck...! it's really just BAD LUCK. this is adding to the original problems i got.

i dunno, Pluto got out of my 12th house about a decade ago, which makes sense because i moved out of a miserable situation as soon as i finished high school. it had been conjunct my Sun till recently. it's moving onto my Mercury...

yea... i kept telling myself for over 15 years that there's a light at the end of the tunnel... sometimes that was really the only way to keep going. but where is the end???

posted December 06, 2008 08:40 AM         

quote:

---

i want to live in a place where my friends are, have an ok job, have romance

---

lechien - here's your challenge! Change your sentence so that it reads:

i am going to live in a place where my friends are, have an ok job, have romance

Good luck, my friend

posted December 06, 2008 08:52 AM           

I'm sorry things have been so rough.

I also have a strong Neptune. I think when Neptune is causing problems, the solution is clarity. The more clear you are about what you value and who you are, the less external chaos will destroy your inner peace. Setbacks will be temporary frustrating roadblocks to worldly goals, but not barriers to your own tranquility.

Being misunderstood can be seen as an opportunity to clarify and share who you really are. The haze around Neptune can actually produce the most clear, simple soul, since you're often forced to define yourself.

posted December 06, 2008 11:35 AM         

i usually go through this circle, that i say to myself, "i'm capable, and i'll get out of this rut!". then things are hard, and i just keep telling myself that it'll soon be over. i say, a little more patience, stay good, i WILL get there... and... something small happens to press the final button, and i just collapse.

i talk to myself too when i need words of encouragements but there are no one who'd tell me, which is a lot of the times. sometimes no matter how much determination i got, there are certain things that are not within my control. i AM aware that i'm not so good at stress management, i tend to not be aware of the stress till it's too late.

one of the reasons people misunderstand me is that very few people are in my situation. i've never met anyone who has the same experience. of course everyone's life is different... but things i say or do are based on my specific experience, and many people tend to see different contents in them. but i also hate to be misunderstood as someone who just says "you don't understand" to everyone. it's really not like that... i became silent on certain things to avoid this all together.

jane, i think it's true that i should be clear to MYSELF about certain things. could Neptune's presence there also signify a vagueness within my own self as well? i grew up completely confused, and only recently i finally started figuring out to define my wants, which was a total EUREKA phase after years of trying to understand myself. so i started doing things that i think might help me get to the end of the tunnel. but it's either i'm doing something wrong or my endeavors get interrupted by what i call "bad luck". just bad timing or unfortunate arrangement of places, people, events, etc. etc. it's like a bad combination of everything.

of course i hate to blame everything on this "bad luck" absurdity, but sometimes i wonder if i'm just destined to stay "here" for the rest of my life. then what is my life? if no matter what i do i'll never get out of this? of course somewhere in my mind i believe i WILL get somewhere, but how many decades will that take...?

and, excuse me that i'm using this board to "vent" or whatever, but i'm just so... sad, right now. i wish i could *talk* with someone instead of sitting silently in front of a computer. i haven't had a normal communication with anyone for months since i've moved.

posted December 06, 2008 11:43 AM         

well, as how it stayed in the last god knows how many years or decades. arrrgh!!!

posted December 06, 2008 11:56 AM           

Years ago before I started on a spiritual path (of my own choosing) I felt as if I had a lot of bad luck, people mistreated me, everything I tried failed, etc. etc. I know the taste of poverty and rejection and it's not good! Slightly before my mother passed I searched for a way to be happy and cried out to God to help me. My path took me to therapy, Unity Church teachings and many workshops, books, etc. Over time my old thoughts of lack and playing the victim began to shift. At 45 I still have alot to learn but I am a different person. Ilearned that I had the power to choose my fate, that I had the power to choose how I responded to each and every every every circumstance. I am not a victim of the circumstances I see nor are you. The fact is that maybe you're feeling bad about yourself for a short period and this funk your in will pass and everything I say will be useless. But you need to find a new approach to life, ruminating and wasting your time is not living up to the spirit of God that dwells in you.

posted December 06, 2008 12:14 PM         

Things go wrong in your life and you can say
"I knew it! I am going through this transit, that transit,this square,this conjunction, until you have stopped feeling like master of your own ship and just feel buffeted about by the winds of fate.
Time to take the helm love.

You are talking vagaries.
You only know what you don't want.
Now is the time to say what exactly it is that you DO want.

Ignore the charts. They can become self fulfiling prophecies.
Make your own charts from now on.
If you didn't know when you were born you would. You'd have no other choice.

Sit down, make a list of exactly what you want and go do it.

I truly believe we make our own prison sometimes.
If you are unhappy where you are, then it's not for you.So don't stick things out that you hate.
I think the biggest fallacy is sticking to things when we are unhappy because it makes us stronger.
Crap! Just makes us miserable is all.
Take charge of your own life, by the scruff of the neck and rattle it till it submits.

You are sad because you feel powerless. But you are not. You are young,beautiful, free and you have no dependents. Be selfish.

Let me tell you a truth I have learned.
Nobodys life is good all the time. But the people who are making it seem good are the ones who go
"F*** it. I'm doing it anyway"
Always always put yourself first. Then you will make everyone else around you happy.

posted December 06, 2008 12:21 PM         

My thoughts about "being blocked at every turn, every plan being destroyed by outside influences".....
Sounds to me like your plans are being blocked because they're not in the best interest of your Higher Self, so you're being prevented from going there. You need to decide what resonates in *you*, what are the things *you* love to do, what qualities *you* admire in a person and cultivate them in yourself.

I hope the next year is easier for you

posted December 06, 2008 12:39 PM         

quote:

---

Astra, one thing is that i just had my Saturn return so it makes sense that things got harder in the last few years. but it was more like "intensified" though. there's something more to it... somehow things get more complicated when i'm involved, not because of my own decisions but from outside factors (like how my legal documents are scattered due to my parent's divorce+the parental right shifts and make everything difficult every time i initiate procedures that require these things).

but the past few years, it's really been like a parade of bad luck...! it's really just BAD LUCK. this is adding to the original problems i got.

i dunno, Pluto got out of my 12th house about a decade ago, which makes sense because i moved out of a miserable situation as soon as i finished high school. it had been conjunct my Sun till recently. it's moving onto my Mercury...

yea... i kept telling myself for over 15 years that there's a light at the end of the tunnel... sometimes that was really the only way to keep going. but where is the end??

---

You just got through your Saturn Return? You're a true survivor because I've heard that's a really challenging time to go through. When I was around 4 or so (don't remember my exact age...I'm trying to block out the memory), my entire life changed and lost everything. Every single day was a complete nightmare and nothing went the way I wanted it to until I turned 18 (that's 14 years of hell). For a brief few months before college, life was absolutely divine. Then went I started college again and my life returned to hell and it's been like that for 5 years now. So to answer your question, you never really know when you reach the end of the tunnel until the day you see the light. It really does suck. There are many things that are outside our control like the legal stuff you mentioned and unfortunately, those outside factors will often have an impact on our decisions, actions, dreams, etc. But all we can do is focus on the factors that we can control. This is a very tough lesson to learn and I still haven't learned it yet, but I'm trying.

I could be completely off, but I've noticed that the people whose life goes by relatively smoothly have a few things in common:

1) They smile and laugh a lot. They struggle too, but they don't take anything seriously. Remember, laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you'll cry alone.

2) They seem to know either intuitively or by sheer luck, what their life path is and make the corresponding decisions. For instance I have a friend who at first wanted to be an English Professor. No matter how good his writing was, he never achieved a good grade. He had a tendency to have the worst professors who assigned grades based on a whim or based on whether the student would sleep with them. Finally my friend gave up on this and re-evaluated her life. She started doing volunteer work at a variety of places, one which was a hospital and she discovered her true passion---she wanted to become a doctor. She took all of the science courses, the MCAT and applied for a few medical schools. She never had any outside factors to deal with during this process and she got a high MCAT score. Then she got into her first choice medical school without any problems.

posted December 06, 2008 07:19 PM         

quote:

---

i'll be 31 soon. a lot of things can happen in 30 years, when i look back now...i wonder where i'll be doing what in the next 30 years?

---

Take one day as it comes, my friend. You'll be surprised at the wonderful things that will happen to you over the next 30 years!

I found my twenties difficult. In a recession I couldn't get a decent job, I was invisible to my family, I was traded in for another woman. I didn't think Life was meant to be this brutal and lonely. My Saturn Return was painful and forced me to evaluate my life under a Hubble telescope!!

My thirties wasn't a fun-filled party either. It was all about hard work!!! I returned to God and asked for help. It's true what they say: Ask, and you shall receive. So, I asked for ....get this $10,000. I knew with $10,000 I could afford an education. Suddenly, the work was there!!! Not great jobs, but TWO jobs and three years later I had my $10,000. My mother also became more availabe and stepped in to help a little more. I know some people can save $10,000 in less than a year, but Life and Destiny are Timeless. With that money I bought an education and a ticket to a more affluent destination.

I spent a further 3 years developing my career, etc. No dinners out, little social contact, thinking, thinking, thinking, all focusing my attention on the inner voice. It guided me past the difficult times.

I'm in a much better place today than 15 years ago! Although, there are never any guarantees, where you'll be!!!

So I understand you when you say that too many things have influenced and effected your Life. Make a plan for YOU!!! Get what you NEED. Ask for Help!!

It won't happen overnight, but have you ever watched plants grow in your garden? It takes a slice of time to see the result, and they definitely are not the same little plant they were a week ago.

I believe the twenties are not easy for a lot of people. The thirties hopefully are a time of reaping and looking towards consolidation. The forties can be consolidating. That's a span of two decades to make progress. At some point, there has got to be an intense focus on want you need to match your Life to your expectation.

quote:

---

one of the reasons people misunderstand me is that very few people are in my situation. i've never met anyone who has the same experience. of course everyone's life is different... but things i say or do are based on my specific experience, and many people tend to see different contents in them. but i also hate to be misunderstood as someone who just says "you don't understand" to everyone. it's really not like that... i became silent on certain things to avoid this all together.

---

The less people you share your soul with the better. People are not experts at other people's lives, although they may think they are. Keep your power inside and don't give it away. Share with only a special few

Lindaland is a perfect place where there is no face to face interaction where your energy could be sapped. Lindaland is full of people who think outside the square and can understand your situation. Pick out the important bits for you and left the rest behind.

I think already you're changing. Everything is irritating you. That's the beginning of change!!! It's a nudge! Start moving, my friend, your journey has begun!!

Love to you

posted December 07, 2008 03:02 AM         

i know and understand a lot of things you say, and i've come this far telling myself all that. BUT, i get lost in that sometimes, and just become unsure and powerless. it really encourages me to hear that from YOU all, instead of something that comes from inside me, that start to sound like silly ramblings eventually. in the end i start to laugh at myself when i feel like i'm just making no progress. then i break and not sure what to tell myself anymore... i didn't mean to write this up as "look, my life is worse than yours, pity me" kinda thing. i'm sure most people don't read this absurdity, and that's cool. my life is just one of million others. but thank you so much for telling me all this... it means a lot to me.

Kick It, yea sorry i knew it was inappropriate to post something like this and i knew i would feel stupid later, i know it's not an advice board. i don't like to make people think i'm a damper. so i hear you. but since everyone's advice in response has really helped me, i'm gonna say for now, those people have the choice to ignore my post! and ok, i'll go tell myself silly things in the mirror, even make a silly face. thank you.

koiflower, thank you for your wise advice, "Lindaland is a perfect place where there is no face to face interaction where your energy could be sapped. Lindaland is full of people who think outside the square and can understand your situation. Pick out the important bits for you and left the rest behind." i trust that.

posted December 07, 2008 03:03 AM         

Astra, i hope your hellish life won't continue that way for too much longer. being stuck in a rut can feel like it goes on for eternity... it's true i do bring in much more luck when i'm with good friends, doing things (luck that gets crushed down by bad luck in the end though... but better than only bad luck!), because i'm constantly laughing, and making everyone around me laugh too. they say laughing even cures cancer.

Azalaksh, i picked lechien because i love dogs... once i saw a sign at a house gate that said "chien bizarre", i guess it comes from the bizarre dog i pictured in my head... never thought of the correlation with the "dog"... in my head he's a happy dog who's wiggling his tail constantly, but with real bushy messy dirty hair, and get this, he's half alien with 3rd and 4th eyes sticking out of his head...! he's also green. so please think of him when you see my name next time, he's a nice guy!

i read all the advice and encouragement everyone gave me. i'll read them again to slap them into my heart. i really needed someone to give me a hand to get back up. normally that's a fun drink out with friends. or a silent sit at a park with cigarettes. but i can't see my friends, i stopped drinking (what's the fun of drinking alone?), and i can't smoke in this environment, and i had to even give up being a vegetarian to accommodate. all these little things get hard. everyone trips and fall once in a while, right? and if i can't get up right then, things get worse. but i got more than just one hand offered, you all are very kind and caring. i really appreciate...

there is only one thing i can do with my life even if i can't take it anymore, i have to keep walking. maybe that's just all there is to life. or maybe strong determination can change one's "destiny" or whatever, or make one's own. i don't know which one is right, but i want to have the humble things i desire and think i deserve. one thing for sure is that i won't get anywhere anyway if i get discouraged. maybe i won't get anywhere anyway even if i try to get away, but then as long as i do something i can increase the chance of approaching my goal.

posted December 07, 2008 11:58 AM         

It's so much easier when you get older because you can see in hindsight that

All the men who broke your heart that you thought you couldn't live without? You lived without and you are fine.
And whats more someone even better came along and you've seen Mr Wonderful recently and he is now fat, bald and working in PC WORLD!

People in jobs you have had ,who hurt you for no other reason than they were jealous or fearful are still in the same job, still bitching and making some other poor sods life a living hell. You however look back from a much better place and wonder how the hell you ever stuck it for as long as you did!
You are unique lechien.
Don't ever let anyone make you feel inferior because of that.

The worst thing to be when you are older is bland.
When you are older you learn to celebrate all your quirks, oddities and uniqueness.

Fit in? God forbid! Please someone who is unkind and doesn't mean anything to you? Whatever for!
The world is not quite ready for you yet, that's all that is the matter.
So you just go your own merry way my love until the slow ones catch up xx

posted December 07, 2008 07:08 PM         

hugs