posted April 24, 2003 11:44 PM         

Is it possible that if relationships are meant to be happen even when one of you is in another country? Even if one of you is married and the other is single? If they are meant to be, are they really meant to be no matter what?

Let me tell you my story so that you can understand what I'm talking about. Any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated. (Sorry that it came out too long.)

I was heartbroken 4 months ago when I broke up with my boyfriend because he cheated on me. At that time I met a man who was also heartbroken because his wife has a problem of binge drinking, that night she drank and cheated on him. I have always thought that she is too young for him (she is 26 and he is 41). They separated. We could understand perfectly what the other felt because we were going through the same. (Sometimes I wonder if I had to go through the process of falling in love with my ex-boyfriend and breaking up with him in order to meet this guy.) We kept in touch a lot, we chatted every day (we still do), we talked on the phone, etc. Then he said that he was starting to fall out of love with her. He even filed for divorce. A little after a month she called and told him that she loved him and she was sorry and asked if she could go back with him. He took her back. When I asked him why he had done that he said that because he wanted to make his marriage work (perfectly understandable, and I admire that of him because I would have never gone back to my ex-bf because I didn't want to sit and wait for him to cheat on me again. I was kind of upset because I had told him that if she cheated on him again I didn't want to see him suffer again and he said that he wouldn't. That if she drank a single drop she would be out of his house and of his life. I told him that I hoped he wasn't making a mistake.

One month and a half has gone by since she went back with him and he says that he can't forget what she did and that it's most likely that he will fall out of love with her, and that anything can happen before their separation hearing in June, or even after that, and that he thinks that there are a lot of women out there and that they will be divorced sooner or later.

This week she is in a class in another city of that same state and will be there until mid next week, I asked him what he would do this weekend and he said that he was going to see his wife where she is now, that he might leave Saturday morning and be back Monday morning. He says that she is doing ok and that she has not drank again.

The point is: all this time he has been calling me (sometimes 4 days a week), chatting with me, he has told me that he doesn't want to lose my friendship, that he will never say goodbye to me, that I have been a wonderful friend and that he just doesn't want to let me go, that "if I remain his friend he will never sin again" etc. I have reasons to think that he has other feelings for me (the real reasons for which he doesn't want to lose me), but sometimes I feel he is telling me one thing and doing another. If things are not going well with her, why is he traveling to see her?

I have noticed that he is immature (age has nothing to do with it, right?) and I feel that maybe if his wife starts drinking again he won't kick her out because he doesn't want to be alone, and that's why he is reluctant to let me go too. Or maybe he is keeping me "on the side" just in case...

What should I do? Should I put this friendship to an end? If I do, what could happen? Should I keep it? I do care about him, he is a nice and sweet guy and I would hate to see him suffer if this woman hurts him again. Were we meant to meet? Was I really meant to fall in love with my ex and break up with him in order to meet this man? What is the real truth about him? Is he lying when he says that things with them are not going well? And if things between them are really not going well, then why is he going to see her this weekend?

posted April 25, 2003 10:00 AM         

Or closing up doors. Or closing chapters. Whichever you choose. What is important is to close them. What is important is to be able to let go moments of your life that are ending.

Has your job ended? Is the relationship over? You no longer live in that house? Do you have to travel? Is the friendship over? You can spend a lot of your time wallowing in “why,” rewinding the tape and trying to understand why this or that happened. You will be wearing yourself out infinitely because throughout life, you, your friends, your children, your sisters and brothers, each and everyone of us, are meant to close chapters; to turn the page; to conclude stages or moments of life and move on.

We can’t live in the present while longing for the past. Don’t even wonder why. What is done is done. And we have to let go and come loose. We can’t be kids forever, nor late teenagers, nor employees of non-existent companies, nor be bound to whom doesn’t want to be bound to us.

No, things happen and we have to let them go! That’s why sometimes it is so important to tear up photographs, to burn letters, to destroy souvenirs, to give away presents, to move. Papers to be torn up, documents to be tossed in the trash, books to be sold or given away. External changes can symbolize internal processes of getting over. To let go, to come loose. In life nobody plays with marked cards and we have to learn to lose and win. We have to let go, to turn the page, to live by ourselves with what we have today. The past is past. Don’t expect others to give you back, to recognize you, don’t expect others to notice once “who you are”.

Take resentment away from you when you turn on “your personal TV” to think about it over and over again. You will only hurt, poison, bitter yourself. Life goes ahead, never backwards.

Because if you go through life leaving “open doors”, just in case, you will never be able to let go nor to live your present with pleasure. Relationships or friendships that don’t end, the possibility of “being back with” (what for?), the need to make things clear, words unsaid, silences that covered them. If you can face them now, do it! If you can’t, let it go, close up the doors. Be convinced that it won’t be back. But not because of pride or arrogance, but because you don’t fit there anymore: in that place, in that heart, in that room, in that house, at that desk, in that job; you are not the same who left two days ago, three months ago, one year ago. Therefore, there is nothing to go back for. Close the door, turn the page, close the circle. Not even you will be the same, nor the place you go back to will be the same, because in life nothing stands still, nothing is static. It’s a matter of sanity, about self-respect, let what is no longer in your life go. Remember that nothing and no one is indispensable. Not a person, not a place, not a job, because when you came into this world you did without that “adhesiveness”, therefore it is a habit to live “glued” to it and it’s a personal labor to learn to live without it, without the human or physical adhesive that it is now so painful to let go.

It is a process of learning to let go because, again, nothing and no one is indispensable. It is only habit, attachment, need. So close, conclude, clean up, throw away, let go, shake, come loose. There are so many words that mean sanity, and whichever you choose will definitely help you to go ahead with peace. That is life! I share this with you, we must always remember that we have to close our pending circles.