posted December 20, 2003 02:40 PM         

please help me to help my soul and another's. you see, there's this person in my life who is emotionally abusive and has diminished severely both the force and quality of my life.

i have struggled to overcome the dark karma and negativity of our relationship for years, but it has continued to drain my life.

where i need help is in my current reaction to this predicament. i'm ashamed to admit it, and i've tried for too long to deny it to myself, but it's there, and i have to acknowlege it.

i wish for this person's death. i know, it sounds terrible, and for so long i have concentrated on forgive, forgive, forgive. and i have and will continue to do so. but it's more difficult to forget, especially when the abuse continues and grows stronger each day.

i have wished and wished and wished for this person to have a happy life, far and away from my own, and that remains my most heartfelt wish. but the relationship continues, day to day, in utter misery. i have done everything i can think of to dispel this unhealthy relationship, but nothing has worked so far.

and that i will continue to deal with. what bothers me now is finding my thoughts resting on the hope that this person will die, and soon.

at first i was so appalled at this, and i told myself that i create my own reality, so of course i can steer my thoughts away from this.

but the misery from this relationship grows ever deeper, and i now sometimes even take refuge in this hope, all the while feeling guilty and wrong.

please, can you help me find a way to address and correct this, without denial or repression? i very much need some light in this dark part of my soul.

as does the other person.

love and light to everyone,
desert-rain

posted December 20, 2003 03:30 PM         

I am a survivor of domestic abuse and have volunteered for a center against domestic violence in order to help others who were on my path.

If you give everything of yourself and then remain at that point hoping the Good Lord is going to notice your good intentions one day and save you from this, YOU ARE WRONG.

That's not how life works.

First of all, if anything happens to your child, YOU could go to prison for child abuse or even murder. YOU...

Second, if anything happens to your child, you will never forgive yourself, and that child does not deserve to be a part of what you insist on being a part of.

If you are as giving as you think, give to yourself and your child FIRST.

fore = before
give = to give

To fore-give is the process you go through before you are prepared to GIVE. You have not gone through that process properly. You will not be able to fore-give anyone until you've become strong and sure of yourself. Until you and your child are completely safe. Until your safety's are insured, you are not prepared to give or fore-give anyone else. Not even yourself.

Domestic abuse is not limited to any race, economic level or background. Yes, there are white women who are married to wealthy men who are "pillars of society". Do you think they would call a shelter or counselor for help?

Probably not! WHY??????

YOU KNOW WHY!!!!

The shame you will feel to reach out to people like me who are just PRAYING people like you come to us will understand your shame because it is part of a systematic cycle which is ENGRAVED IN STONE. The model of domestic abuse is one and the same all over the world. Think about how hurt people like me are to know of your situation but without your dedication to follow through. You are hurting yourself, your child AND THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HELP YOU.

WARNING: The most common reason a woman is KILLED by her abuser is when he finds out she is trying to leave. So.... YOU DO NOT TELL ANYONE... NO ONE you are planning to leave. You plan it out very carefully and DO IT... no looking back baby!!!

I met someone who's child was murdered by a nextdoor neighbor. He drugged her up by putting something in her water and told the police she was abusive and killed her child. It didn't turn out so good.

Go to a payphone somewhere and call Harbor House Center Against Domestic Violence:
1(800)500-1119

They will talk you through the next step.

If not for yourself, for your child. Your worst nightmare really can come true, it happened to my friend when she LEAST expected it.

with love & support,

.gloria

posted December 20, 2003 08:23 PM         

gloria has written an excellent response, and i do pray for you to garner strength and courage to do what is best for you and baby. my heart goes out to you.

posted December 21, 2003 02:39 PM         

Gloria

posted December 31, 2003 12:37 AM         

I'm very sensitive about this because you remind me very much of my mother (the sweetest, most caring mother a person could have)...to a much lesser degree she has suffered from emotional abuse her entire life: first by her father, then by my father...it is insidious, creeps up on you, but can have devastating consequences for your (and your child's) self-esteem. You deserve to be with a person who cherishes and supports you, builds you up and dreams with you. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE! If he has convinced you that you don't deserve better DON'T BELIEVE HIM! It's just his twisted way of making himself feel more important. People like him seek out kind and forgiving people like you...it's sad but true.

Though your world may seem hopeless now you can still have a bright furure if you GET OUT NOW! If not for your own furutre then for your daughter's...otherwise she, trgically, may be doomed to seek out a similarly abusive partner.

GO NOW toward your future...toward a happier place where you and your daughter can enjoy life again together...you have so much to show her and teach her: give her the chance to love life and to love herself, and give yourself that same chance, I know you can do it!

My thoughts will be with you,

posted December 31, 2003 07:46 PM         

A lightening bolt will not drop from the sky to kill your abuser. And wishing for his demise...well, I have to offer you a few words on that.

If you've ever noticed our dear webmaster Randall's sig line, it warns, in effect, to never wish any ill will on another, because it will simply come back onto you. Last year, a very good friend of mine spent a lot of time wishing for a heart attack for Saddam Hussein. Now, I know that may sound funny, and her reasoning was that if The Bad Man just suffered a heart attack, an entire war and a lot of suffering could be averted.

But in the spring, it was her husband who suffered a heart attack.

Please, take control. Leave. Do whatever you must. Stop wasting time wishing him dead, or wishing he would leave. You can leave. You can.

posted January 20, 2004 12:21 AM         

thanks for such heartfelt concern. please be assured that i am taking every action possible to resolve this difficulty. my child of course is my primary focus.

my heart is hurting too much though, from this situation, in the way of my inability to keep these harmful and unrestful thoughts from my heart.

actually, since first posting this plea, i have made tremendous progress in dealing with this problem, made manifest, i'm sure, with the beautiful love emanating from all the knowflake concern and care.

it's such a fragile thing though, this maneuvering through the heart and the mind. i still stumble, metaphysically speaking, but i believe i'm learning, ever so slowly, to walk the path with a little more grace.

and thus succumb to the engulfing love i feel that allows me to travel this path, and to learn such things.

information relating to this technique remains highly sought however!

posted January 30, 2004 10:59 AM         

oh thank you so much for those very kind words....yes, my babe is the shining light in my life...and nursing him until he weans himself is one of the sweetest things in life....

carrying him in a sling too is a lovley thing....we are so close, like pre-natal days; he still loves being carried like that.

and he is a crystal child, infusing the world with joy wherever we go. i know he came to help me in this life, so i always know that everything will work out.

isn't being a mom wonderful?

thanks again, much love and light to you....