posted January 10, 2004 12:34 AM         

I hope this doesnt come across too "whiney" but I really could use some advice, and well, everyone here is REALLY good at that..

I moved back here to Wisconsin from Colorado Springs, CO about 18 months ago. I swore I never would return because I spent the first half of my 20s here and this town is culturally, spiritually, and financially bankrupt.

So why did I? To make my mother happy, I think. Mostly I cant remember the state of mind that led me to abandon my life of 5 years in CO to return to this dread town. Being here now I feel dead. My days are spent sleeping and playing with my kitties. I have given up trying to find a job-the economy is THAT bad here- after being fired from the 2 jobs I have had since my return for reasons beyond my control (like criminal managers who were subsequentally terminated-after they ruined my job.) I have never been fired from any job I have had. I am a Virgo- my job is my life.

So, heres my dilemma....

Back in CO is the Leo I have has a 6 year relationship with. Part of the reason I left was because he became an emotional and financial drain on my resources. He has offered to help support me if I choose to return....he finally has his own apartment and a steady job he has been at for over a year. He tells me he loves me and he can't stand to hear how unhappy I am in WI.

I feel so stuck where I am now. I can't seem to make anything "work" here. When I pulled out of my cottage to start the trip back, I remember thinking "This is the worst decision I have ever made." But I tried to make the best of it when I returned. Everything has failed. The friends I had from before have become close minded, gossipy trash, the new friends I have made abandoned me, I havent met ONE single decent man (hell, any MAN at this point) since I have been back.
The only "good" thing has been the fact I have lost 50 pounds.

So, do I risk it all and move back to Colorado? It wont be easy..my Leo has nothing but a bed in his place. All I would bring is what I can fit in my car (and prayers that I will make it to CO in that car.) If I wait any longer, I will run out of the money I had saved while I was working, and I will totally be trapped. I dont have enough money tho to get started in some other city in WI....to get an apartment, deposit, utilities, etc. Going to CO I have a guarenteed place to stay and he is paying all his bills on his own.

I know the Springs tho...lots of restaurants that always need help, or maybe even my old job back. I know what to expect if I go there.

Alot of the motivation is the Leo, and I am afraid its clouding my jugdement. Thats why I could really use others' advice. I miss him with all my heart and soul. We talk usually 5 times a week, still. I know he is alone, and lonely too. But nothing is guarentee, so I am not thinking that this will "cement" our relationship if I go back. We had already lived together for about 21/2 years before I left.

I just really want to feel like I am living again. Now, I feel like nothing.

If anyone managed to read thru this, thanks. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.......

posted January 10, 2004 12:53 AM         

No, I don't think the Leo is clouding your judgement, because even without him in CO, you are not happy where you are in Wisconsin. It is that simple. I remember your story about that Leo, but apart from the love you feel for him - you have a deep connection to Colorado. It is a part of you and it calls to you. So ask yourself, "If I had to move to Colorado and be alone, would it be better than where I am at now?"

Whether the Leo is there or not, you will be successful in that state. You already proved it to yourself in the past. Sometimes when a door shuts again and again, it tells us to move on.

posted January 10, 2004 01:11 AM         

Have you checked out the astro.com section on what geographical area will have what affect on you based on your birthday?

After you click on Free Charts in upper left, scroll till you see ASTRO CLICK TRAVEL in the middle column. It's very cool. See if it is mirroring your experience, as you compare each location.

When you get to the right map, you click on the areas.

As for moving along, uh.... I don't know if I'm the right person to say cuz I've been a little gypsy girl. But, if you keep that into consideration, I would say get your booty outta there while you still have the funds.

Whether you should go back to CO, don't know. But I say run for the hills.

BTW... I've been really curious as to why everyone loves CO so much. I mean, besides the beautiful scenery.

.gloria

posted January 10, 2004 12:41 PM         

Listen and trust your , because it is the only thing that will not lie to you.

*Hugs*

Would you like for me to look at your chart?

Aphrodite

posted January 11, 2004 02:47 AM         

astro junkie, i love your posts!! And having read one where you've described your gypsy days...well, I envy you. I would have loved to live and seen everywhere..never had the funds. I dont really know what the deal is with CO, either. Maybe the fact it feels like a cosmic waiting room. No one in CO is really FROM CO, and no one seems to stay there either. The funny thing with me is....I am terrified of mountains..more specifically, driving in them. I am absolutely fascinated while simultaneaously scared out of my wits. I cant escape the lure of those big chunks of rock!

Pixel and Aphrodite......I am paralyzed by the fear of screwing up, again. I have enough knowlege to realize I am in the throes of a soul crushing Saturn Return, and I am at my wits end. I keep waiting for some sign or intuition that will lead me to make any kind of choice.

Anyone know how to compute a Saturn Return? I managed to (almost) figure out my natal and progression combo chart, and to me it looks like the Saturns were aligned perfectly as of today...maybe that explains the crying fits.......Aphrodite, if you had time to look at my chart, I would be so happy. I cant be objective or coherent lately.....I did alot of research on the return last night, and besides the dread, I would really like to know if my Sat is going to go retro and pummel me some more.

Heres my stats......
August 31 1973 12:47pm in Fond du Lac, WI

(arrrgh i even hate the NAME of this place)
LOL

Thanks everyone......i feel so much calmer now....

posted January 11, 2004 02:49 AM         

Sheeeeeeeesh! I though Mercury went forward already????

posted January 11, 2004 05:10 AM         

Thanks, and yes, Mercury is forward again.

As for the gypsy life, it doesn't take a "money plan", it only takes the desire to do it and put material desire aside. But it requires a great deal of fearlessness and resourcefulness. In other words, how would the thought of a helicopter lowering you out in the middle of nowhere with nothing strike you?

posted January 11, 2004 07:50 PM         

You are going through your first Saturn Return, astrology's rite of a Soul's coming of age. No doubt you are at a point in life where there is energy to make lasting transformations. Take advantage of this, and make the effort to do the right things to reap Soul rewards in the end.

Transiting Saturn will also be squaring your Libra stellium. You will most likely be feeling isolated and morose as you conduct deep evaluations of the consequences after the Saturn Return. T.Saturn squaring your Venus, Uranus and Moon will be a test of how truthful your relationship bonds are. If the bond with your Leo friend is based on true love and has the capacity for a long-term relationship, the transit will make it stronger. On the other hand, if the roots are already not healthy, Saturn's energy will terminate the relationship by making it unbearable for it to continue.

Transiting Mars in Aries at 15 degrees is conjunct your Chiron, opposing the Libra stellium. T.Mars is in your 5th house of romance and pleasures, so the desire to move back to see your Leo friend seems to be an outlet for the energy, for the meantime. You can also use this energy for creative pursuits.

Jupiter is transiting through your 10th house of career and public stature. This is a good thing to occur along with your Saturn Return. You should have good luck with long term plans that enhance your finances and self-esteem in the public sector.

You just completed Pluto's transit through the first house. Congratulations! It must have been difficult. The transit through the second house will dig deep into your subconscious about how you have been relating values with material objects. This is probably your first financial crisis, but it may not be the last. Practice being flexible and know that your personal value and happiness does not lie in accumulating objects. You should not use things as the base foundation for emotional security.

I sense that you will most likely move from your current residence, and experience life altering situations. But you will move again when Uranus is within the orb of your 4th house. When Uranus transits your 4th house, you will either move often, experience disruptions in your inner life, or the family foundations will shift causing nervous anxiety and distrust. But trust that Uranus is opening valves for a breath of fresh air.

posted January 30, 2004 12:15 AM         

Aphrodite, thank you. I appreciated your interpretation. You were right on, and I have been busy integrating these energies (well, more like bawling at inappropriate moments and panicking about my unemployed status) since this last post.

I have interpreted my Return is all about family and childhood-Saturn in Cancer- and since it was waaaaaay traumatic and I have never gotten over it, I guess its apropos. Not that its fun, however. I wish this emotional tidal wave was over so I could move on. I try to tell myself its necessary, and I need to do it so I can start a life I want. Lots of mother issues, which is challenging because I am forced to depend on her right now, due to my lack of job. Man, the economy sucks.

The day after your kind response, I was idly cybersurfing, and found what I hope will be my next "big thing." Its everything I have ever wanted in a life, and a career....a Nature Preserve not that far from me which just happens to be one of the most prominent Pagan organizations in the country is looking for an apprentice to the founder.

Everytime I think of it, I get teary-eyed with joy. So as you can imagine, that Jupiter stuff makes me oh-so-hopeful. I have started applying for it (its a huge process) but over the past 2 weeks, I still havent received a response. I am starting to worry. GO figure.....silly Virgo me....
You get to live there and everything. I have been searching for something like this for exactly 10 years to this Feb 2. The synchronicity freaks me out, at times.

I hope I hope I hope.

This possiblity so thrills me that I have all but forgotten my Leo friend. I still love him, and feel a karmic bond to him...but he needs to work on himself and I need to find happiness with my own life. It stings, and I get lonely....but that's life.

*sigh* I feel for the first time ever, that I know what faith is. That maybe, maybe, I am not doomed to misery. It never made sense before. Now if these energies would manifest on the physical plane!

posted January 30, 2004 07:30 AM         

Good to hear from you. So you haven't run away yet?

Aprodite -

WOW on your astrological analysis! You've got someone strong on your side Motherkon...

.gloria

posted January 30, 2004 04:13 PM         

It's so good to hear from yOu! An apprenticeship with the nature preserve sounds perfect for you.

Go MK! Go MK! Go MK! Relish in your Saturn Return and go for your dreams!

posted January 30, 2004 04:35 PM         

It was if Saturn was terminating everything and starting a new world for me. It was a good world, a healthier one, but one with a lot of pain and some isolation at the start. Perhaps this is the isolation part of your journey?

You are right to think about yourself first, you are the only person you are going to know for life for sure, and so you have to commit to yourself first.

Then it's time to commit to other's.
It's a good time to build something new in a place you love, Saturn Return kicks you in the butt if you hate the place you live and makes you move.

That's my experience,
hope your mother is well, but you can't live for her, or depend on her or you will feel worse. Better not to deal with too much family as you are growing and changing, too many emotions run high.

posted January 31, 2004 02:31 AM         

In other words... I bought a house AND got that tattoo!

.gloria

posted January 31, 2004 08:27 PM         

I am starting to catch on to Saturn now, and I think using astrology, numberology, every other -ology and -ist in the pantheon of expression, I have figured out the "lesson" for this swing on the Wheel. Whew.

Suddenly the patterns defining the cycles are clear, in focus...not that I now know "everything" pfssssssst, no way....but I learned faith that it will happen in all good time.

Thats hard, because I can be one of the most skeptical, doubting, cynical b****es ever.

I can't wait until Spring to see what manifests in the tangible world, after all these "epiphanies" Fun stuff.....but why didn't anyone warn me??? LOL

posted January 31, 2004 09:54 PM         

Thanks for knowing the funny part of me... I am kind of funny. Most times without meaning to. For example, in an anatomy class, the medical professor was discussing the nervous system, going through each nerve, and mentioning that one went from the brain to the anus.

Without thinking at all I blurted:
"Hmmm... that explains EVERYthing..."

And the whole class LOST IT!

Anyways...

Favorite ice cream flavor right now is Baskin Robbins Strawberry Cheesecake. VERY VERY EVIL!!! Stay away from it...

Good chick music to rage to?... hmmmmm....

PS: Mother- a really great guide that taught me so much about the seasons of life in my late teens, which has stuck with me always, the "I Ching Workbook" by R. L. Wing. You can't buy it used because you'll be writing in it every day.

IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

.gloria

posted February 04, 2004 12:11 AM         

Gack, it doesnt get any better. I seemed to have lost some of my "shine" in the past few days, for whatever reason..maybe because it just keeps snowing and snowing.....

I still havent heard one peep about the sanctuary, and I am officially disheartened. Topping it off is a sudden rage about aforementioned Leo...like how I am up to my eyeballs in debt from trying to support "US" while he sat on my couch for a year wallowing in his own self pity.

And now he can't even call me. Grrrrrrrr.
I still love him, but but but..... I know he never treated me as I deserve to be treated. Now I just feel like I am never going to be with anyone, because the 2 major relationships I have had used me for money and cheated on me, blah blah ad nauseum. How do you ever learn to trust after that?

Anyways, trying to be positive.....months ago I applied online to work at Yellowstone National Park for the summer. Lo and behold, they called me back!! I have an interview tomorrow....over the phone of course. We will see what happens. I just really want SOMETHING to happen...I feel like I am a shadow, "living a life of quiet desparation."

I am getting wanderlust again. Its only a month since I got back from my 3000 mile road trip. Do you think having a Libra Moon- well, in reality I am almost more Libra than Virgo- puts me in this conflict between wanting to settle and stay versus my willingness to just run and never stay in one place? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhh

Thanks for letting me vent. I just can't seem to keep it all straight in my head, and typing it all makes it seems less threatening and overwhelming.....
Cheers for LindaLand....

PS gloria, you can call me MK....i really dont like the name, but why change it now? I am neither a mother nor a Catholic priest! LOL

posted February 04, 2004 04:14 AM         

I was kidding about calling you mother... it's just my compulsion to find a surrogate mom out there. Don't mean to be too heavy! (hee hee)...

It's cool to write stuff here that you're feeling. But you already knew that.

Keep in mind, sometimes we get into the position of OVERproviding for someone when we feel we are inadequate in other ways. We do this subconsciously. We think we are lacking in things to love about us, and we use the money or other "fringe benefits" to distract ourselves or the other person from what we perceive to be our limitations.

But that's all an illusion.

Find the things about yourself you wish someone else would appreciate and love, and then YOU be the one to appreciate and love it most of all.

The way things are falling into place for you seems like you need to start from a clean slate. So purge the old chapters, and allow for a completely fresh start. This sounds like it's just what you need, although you need to keep your faith!

.gloria

posted March 08, 2004 06:11 PM         

after re-reading your chart interpretation also, I would have to say you hit (every) nail on the head!! Do you read charts professionally, or just for private use? Because you are good, my friend.....

When I read that the first time, I still wasn't ready to "end" my relationship.
That has changed, just as you said. I am ready to get beyond, start fresh on something else.

Moving? Why, yes I am. Perhaps when Uranus hits the 4th orb (??) is when I will be returning from Yellowstone..or maybe I will move towards another new place.

I have always moved A LOT. My 18th move was to college on my 18th birthday, and now I am in the 50s as far as number of moves. Good thing I have some Mutable influences in my chart.

Thank the heavens for Jupiter. Moving thousands of miles for a job may not be practical, but its a start. Maybe I had to be unemployed and miserable for 8 months to make me accept this possibility.

Aphrodite

posted November 30, 2004 05:42 PM         

How are you doing? Hope you can update us with your Saturn Return adventures.