posted January 31, 2004 09:19 AM         

I have noticed that many people here are very open and insightful about their experiences, so I'm hoping you can help shed some light on something for me.

For a little while now, one of my friends has been discussing his marital problems with me and I find myself at a loss of how to respond. I've never been married and don't have children, so whereas I feel myself sympathizing with him, I know that I cannot possibly relate directly, only drawing upon those marriages I've seen around me. It seems like he just doesn't love his partner anymore, but has children and wants to do right by them. He has been with his partner for a very long time and is probably scared to leave the lifestyle he knows too well. He's also very unhappy with his job and may even be developing feelings for someone else. He's very confused. I feel unable to encourage someone to stay in a loveless marriage, but realize that may not be the right thing to say. So I guess I'm asking how does one help someone cope with such frustration and unhappiness? I know that sometimes being a good friend means just listening, but maybe it's the Aquarius in me, I want to help him. I'm not sure if he talks about this to anyone else and he seems to really trust me. I have offered different viewpoints by saying I understand him wanting to keep a family together, but also explaining that I have seen the toll loveless marriages take on children. Has anyone gone through something similar? What did you need from your friends? What helped?

posted January 31, 2004 10:10 AM         

But I found out something quite recently regarding just this topic...

First of all, since I was 9 years old, I knew my parents were not happy and it affected me greatly.

On the other hand, I was told by someone who counsels on marriage that the statistics show that the couples who stay together and try harder to make it work come out better for it, and the children will survive it.

It's a toss up...

But OxyChick -
If someone like that was asking me for advice, I would have to stay out of it unless there was some type of physical abuse. If he/she takes your advice, and things don't work out, you'll feel even worse about it.

Just explain you do not feel comfortable about it and even joke about how you would be the last to know. I don't see how they would expect you to take on more than you are "qualified" for, or up to handling.

with love & support,

.gloria