Posts: 338
From: Alturas, California USA
Registered: Jun 2003

posted April 03, 2004 09:50 PM         

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i keep getting the worst feeling in my chest. its been going on for a while. i just feel so lost and alone in the world. i've tried talking to people- friends, counselors-none of them care or understand. the only thing keeping me alive is the hope that there is someone out there that's gonna love me and understand what i am about. everything in my life just seems to fall apart and the pills don't help any. its like part of me is broken or missing and i'm always sick to my stomach. i can't talk to family coz all they tell me is to shut up or get over it. i've been feeling like this for years now, i was wondering if anyone has felt this way and what they have done to overcome this.

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Posts: 16770
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted April 03, 2004 09:59 PM         

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Been there. You just have to find your place in the world. When you do, you will see that everything prior to that was just to get/keep you on track.

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Posts: 81
From: nevada
Registered: Feb 2004

posted April 03, 2004 10:18 PM         

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Pills rarely help and then only for a time. I'm sorry you're feeling this way but its normal and we all go through it at one time or another and how you choose to deal with it is up to you but I suggest that instead of dwelling on the negative, why not stop and take stock of all the things you're thankful for. (start with your good health) I'm sure there are many. Focus on the positive. Don't look so hard for love, relax and when you least expect it will pop up in front of your face. Do something nice for yourself when you get the blues. Something like a pedicure. Good Luck

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Posts: 3358
From: San Francisco, CA, United States
Registered: Feb 2002

posted April 03, 2004 10:26 PM         

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hi dorkus malorkus,

i know the feeling. i attracted the wrong dude and got into bad situations.

feel free to type and vent right here. i'm here listening.

love,

aphrodite

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Posts: 365
From: outer space
Registered: Aug 2003

posted April 03, 2004 10:30 PM         

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I dont know what to say to make you feel better, so i'll send you some healing light.

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Posts: 3309
From: Southern 'Bama
Registered: Aug 2002

posted April 03, 2004 11:06 PM         

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dmalorkus - I have the feeling that I know exactly how you feel. It's not that you're looking for "someone to love" or that you need more people around - it's just that those around don't seem to...quite...get...you, if that makes any sense. Most of the time when you talk to them it seems like you're talking past them at best...no matter how you try, you're just a step out of sync with how those around you think and feel, with what they see as important and valuable. When they speak of their pressing concerns, you genuinely don't get them, either.
Your heart aches because of this,
although that's an inadequate description - it feels as if there's some great crushing or sucking force situated right in your torso. You feel horribly, horribly alone.

I can't say how I got over that, except to say that it just happened. Events fell into place of their own accord, and all that came before came to seem...not insignifcant, because it led somewhere...but as part of a puzzle that I could finally step back and see.

There are people out there, some who hide it quite well, who feel quite alien to those around them - more than most can imagine. Reach out, if you can. Try to connect with them on a soul level (which *will* be difficult, as they have most likely grown to be wary through hurt). Find *your* passion.

It's there somewhere.
I promise.

{{{{{{{{dmalorkus}}}}}}}}

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Posts: 1757
From: orlando, fl
Registered: Nov 2003

posted April 03, 2004 11:18 PM         

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Dorkus -

I too understand how you feel. Been there, and visited there quite often recently. The worst thing to hear from people right now are things like "snap out of it", or, "you are free to choose happiness"...

But what you said about your family stuck out at me. You cannot change the way you think of things or what you believe in until you set that inner child straight because no matter what we do as adults, that inner child continues playing in a loop. Therapy sometimes makes it worse by making you overanalyze yourself even more.

Try to get in touch with whatever rage or anger inside you, get in touch through an emotional way. Can you imagine ways to get to that?

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Posts: 77
From: garland texas usa
Registered: Mar 2004

posted April 04, 2004 12:46 AM         

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Dorkus I feel you . I know what it is like to smile on the outside while you scream silently on the inside. I know how it is to have your whole world yanked out from under you and have someone smash everything you have ever believed in. I can't tell you what will work for you but i can tell you some things that worked for me.Mind games maybe but it helped me. Close your eyes, Picture yourself as a small child or baby. Imagine this child(you) is your baby. Take her in your arms and pour your love into her. Tell her everything she needs to hear. You love her, how smart she is, how beautifull, how strong. Fill her with love and light. She(you) deserve it.Every time it gets bad remember your baby.You wouldn't hurt your baby, dont hurt you.
Develope a "teflon mind" When bad thoughts come acknoledge them and let them slip out again. Remember your baby and how much you love her.
Sooth your self buy flowers or light candles . My favorite was really hot long showers with candles and insense. Paint or write or read.
I know it sounds hoaky but you learn the most from the most painfull times. Search for the lesson in this and make your life better for it.
Just breath Lie on your back in some quite place and just breath in out deep and calm. Focus on the sensation of your lungs filling and emptying.
Practice half-smiles your emotions will sometimes respond to physical stimulus.
Dont be afraid to be sad. let in in revel in it truly dispare don't hold out. you can't keep up pure misery as long as suppressed misery. The tears will stop (and start and stop again) it is ok to be sad.
We are only electronic friends but we are friends none the less. Lots of people here care about you. I care about you.
I was diagnosed borderline personality disorder chronic depressive and shell shocked. I am, no was a real sick pupy I have taken class after class in behavior management. I have been to psychologists and psychiatrists group therapy. It does work if you let it. I am better now. i do still get depressed but not the black pit of despair. I have learned to love myself. I am learning to be whole and self suffiecient. This will pass. It will all be ok again. And when the sunshines on your beautifull face again after the storm you may find a rainbow in your heart, and a prince on your doorstep.
Tons of light and love and energy, prayers, and good juju to you.

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~Renee
~indecision may or may not be my problem

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Posts: 139
From: baltimore, MD USA
Registered: Sep 2003

posted April 04, 2004 01:47 AM         

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awww, sweetie, I know what you mean. I think it is something that everyone goes through from time to time and sometimes for extended periods of time, but usually nobody brings it up. I'm so glad you did!!!
I remember that when I felt that way not too long ago, it was pretty hard to explain it to myself, let alone put it into words for anyone else. But it helped to tell myself that I WAS loved, that I WAS a part of things, a part of the world, and connected to the world even though I FELT so disconnected and alienated from it.
It's like something is missing. I know. It feels like there should be more of a CONNECTION with everything, and that this isn't there. It feels like there was something that was snatched away from you that you shared, that you had before, and you don't anymore, and you feel lost- like someone ripped out a part of you and now you feel like a ship sailing in the dark.
I don't know why people periodically feel this way. Maybe it's some sort of subconscious memory we have from where we 'really' came from. I don't know. Of course, if you have a medical condition that predisposes you to depression, that would of course be the main reason for such feelings, but I don't know why practically everyone has felt this way from time to time.

Try to surround yourself in positivity. Do things that you enjoy. Go outside to clear your mind and enjoy nature. Relax. Hang out with some good friends, even if you feel there is no mental connection. Maybe play some sort of physical sport. Most importantly, remember that this too shall pass.

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Posts: 4111
From: www.Heaven.Home
Registered: Mar 2002

posted April 04, 2004 09:33 AM         

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DM, I too, go thru it periodically

The most difficult part for me is I don`t understand the emotions and can`t define them at all. Hence, I can`t expect family or friends to understand what I can`t label or explain. So, usually I just except my emotions, don`t try to understand at all, and acknowledge them as a growing process.I k-now it can be lonely and painful. Acceptance of s-elf, as is, warts and all is a great healer.
A bright and beautiful world awaits you. Just be you, trust yours-elf, and know your guides and S are with you every step of the way. You are a very sensitive and loving person .

juniperb

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If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans. ~James Herriot

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Posts: 338
From: Alturas, California USA
Registered: Jun 2003

posted April 04, 2004 07:26 PM         

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Thanks for listening all, it means a lot I guess I can only take things one day at a time, eh?

((((((((((((((hugs to all))))))))))))))))))

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Posts: 1757
From: orlando, fl
Registered: Nov 2003

posted April 04, 2004 08:17 PM         

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You are welcome - anytime -

You might even try taking things second by second. The more you are "in the present" the better. We are not taught to be that way.

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Posts: 16770
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000

posted April 05, 2004 07:53 AM         

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"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark

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Posts: 3358
From: San Francisco, CA, United States
Registered: Feb 2002

posted April 06, 2004 04:36 PM         

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dorkus malorkus, where are you at?

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Posts: 338
From: Alturas, California USA
Registered: Jun 2003

posted April 07, 2004 08:28 PM         

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I am here, Aphrodite I survived quite an episode Sunday evening. I started freaking out so I went to the hospital and just started crying to some b*tchy nurse saying I didn't want to live anymore and they contacted someone from the crisis center. I cryed so much I became physically ill and started throwing up so they gave me a shot of something that knocked me out for a day. They put me on Wellbutrin to give me incresed energy which I suppose will work off the 20 i gained from my Lexapro(which I am still currently taking). They threatened to lock me up in a mental hospital like they do my mother. Ah I suppose I had a nervous breakdown but I am feeling better now. A bit confused, but it was a wake up call for me. I thank all of you for your support and look forward to better times ahead.

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Posts: 77
From: garland texas usa
Registered: Mar 2004

posted April 08, 2004 12:20 AM         

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Hey Dorkus. They always lock my mom up too. I've been close too. Love and light. I believe in you.

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~Renee
~indecision may or may not be my problem

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Posts: 1757
From: orlando, fl
Registered: Nov 2003

posted April 08, 2004 12:27 AM         

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Dorkus -

I've tried Wellbutrin, and that makes you gain weight too. It was the second best med I tried, since I suffered from post-traumatic syndrome on Sept 11th.

I tried a few other things within a couple of years, and now take 75mg of Effexor XR. I like this one because it does not make me gain weight (which makes one even MORE depressed), and it uses norepinephrine (sp) which gave me more energy, and also didn't numb me out so much.

But after this one, I liked Wellbutrin.

My mom is one of those functionally insane people. OK by society standards, but behind closed doors she's CERTIFIABLE. No kidding.

I actually have a lot of admiration for you to be able to just bust down the hospital doors and holler how you felt. That's f'ing awesome! Remember, depression is misdirected anger towards oneself.

with love & support,

.gloria

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Posts: 1748
From: ontario, canada
Registered: Aug 2003

posted April 08, 2004 12:47 AM         

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It is good, or at least soul opening to know that people whom I regard as good, strong people, can have bad times too. Maybe the legacy of being a good, spiritually sound person is that it is maddening to be a aware of things, on a different level than most, and it makes you think too much, and feel too much and just explore too much. Excess anything is not good.. moderation in all things. Love and healing to you.

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Posts: 1757
From: orlando, fl
Registered: Nov 2003

posted April 08, 2004 02:23 AM         

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The proverbial thin line between genius & insanity...

Then again, it doesn't always take a genius to notice the big pink elephant in the room which no one else is ready to acknowledge...

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Posts: 338
From: Alturas, California USA
Registered: Jun 2003

posted April 08, 2004 07:18 PM         

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I don't know what I'd do without your guys' support, I mean that

It just makes me feel better that there are people out there that go through these things too. Well, I mean I am not happy they have to go through them, but that they came out stronger and are there to offer support, you know?

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Posts: 1757
From: orlando, fl
Registered: Nov 2003

posted April 08, 2004 07:34 PM         

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Dorkus -

You seem like the type of person who is good with technical stuff...

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Posts: 338
From: Alturas, California USA
Registered: Jun 2003

posted April 08, 2004 08:59 PM         

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What makes you say that, Astro?

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Posts: 1757
From: orlando, fl
Registered: Nov 2003

posted April 08, 2004 11:10 PM         

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Because you a very logical and you want all your ducks in a row. But at the same time, you're able to go on creative tangents, the type of thinking it takes for tech stuff.

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Posts: 338
From: Alturas, California USA
Registered: Jun 2003

posted April 09, 2004 03:41 PM         

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Ah, I see. Well thank you Astro, I regard that as a nice compliment

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Posts: 1757
From: orlando, fl
Registered: Nov 2003

posted April 09, 2004 07:15 PM         

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Yeah - it's totally a compliment. You know, you can tell a about a person by their humor. I mentioned to you a long time ago that I dug your humor.

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