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Author
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Topic: Just to share a story- any advice
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PinkPearls&Stars
Knowflake Posts: 14
From: San Diego, Ca, USA
Registered: Apr 2004
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posted May 11, 2004 04:32 AM
 
First off, it's nice to be here! I've been inspired by Linda for awhile, and enjoying the comments and info from all the nice people here, and I thought I'd join in  I'm sure you guys hear enough sad stories, but it's been eating at me, and I have to get it out. My boyfriend and I were planning on getting married. Our relationship was finally going well, and right at it's highest point, he had to leave to the Navy. Now our relationship is going terribly. We've both changed dramatically and want totally different things. He still wants to marry. I don't. He doesn't know that. I love him so much. I know he's not my twin flame, but he's so dear to me. It hurts so much to be away from him, and now I'm slowly realizing that we'll never be able to be together again, since he won't be coming back to San Diego. I knew it the moment he left bootcamp, but he gave me the marraige option. I can't marry him though. I could give many reasons (can't afford it, not ready, need to go to school, etc.) but the main reason is that I really just don't think he loves me the way I'd want him to. He's convinced he's in love because I give him everything he wants, and I cater to him. But it's not love. He doesn't know much about me, and doesn't really respect me. I'm kind of just an object to him. I suspect he's cheating again anyway. I feel like he's all I have. I've lost bonds with friends over him, I don't have many familial ties (odd for a cancer, eh?), and now I'm losing him. I know he believes he loves me, but I don't think he really does, so I know it will probably hurt him if I break it off, especially considering he's been planning his whole life around our marraige (in july) for the past four months. I don't know what to do. I go crazy every night, thinking of how much I need him and miss him, and how he never reciprocated any of my emotion toward him unless he thinks we're close to breaking up. It hurts enough to be without him as it is, how could I break it off completly? If I should at all? Sorry. I don't mean to bore. No worries, I won't just be posting my complaints on the board. I'll try to be an active positive member as well . I'm generally a chipper gal  . Well God bless you all, and thanks for reading!
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sthenri
Moderator Posts: 1469
From: New England US
Registered: May 2003
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posted May 11, 2004 09:17 AM
Hi, your are deep and that's normal for a Cancer:> You want more and there's nothing wrong with that. If you feel you are not the woman for him then let him know that, and it won't change. You have a right to express your feelings to your loved one and let him know you don't want your feelings to be controlled.it's good that you know this about your boyfriend. He has to accept what you have discovered, and he has to accept that you don't want to marry him. He knows there is nothing wrong with this deep down, everything is superficial. He will complain and feel hurt it's true, but then he will want to know what's next for him. He will bounce back, but staying together causes each of you too much pain. Good Luck, I hope you are able to break it off, at times like these it's good to have a friend with you when you break the news. Nobody ever said you had to go it alone. Natasha
Taurus IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Knowflake Posts: 2205
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted May 11, 2004 10:04 AM
Heya~
I read an article a while back about women who had the courage to end their engagements... nd not one of them felt in the long run that it was abad thing. Courageous, it is.. to face the uncertain with eyes open. The thing is, you realize that marriage does not change people. It can give high hopes, and a need to live through other's enthusiasm, it can force your hand, but there is only so much you can live through others. It is a good thing to realize now. Though it may be hard, there is a reason beyond cold feet to back out. Respect is essential, it is crucial... your husband will be your backbone, and should be your closest friend.. not someone who doesn't support you, nor one you can feel content to be yourself with.
Good for you. Don't worry about frends or family now. You stand tall and the rest will come. Have faith that your decision is yours to make.. it is your future, after all.. and sharing only goes so far, it doesn't mean bending to his will, forsaking all you hold dear within. It would catch up and make you miserable, and you'd revisit this scenario again anyway, only it would be harder to leave. Trust me.
 to you.IP: Logged |
astro junkie
Knowflake Posts: 2346
From: orlando, fl
Registered: Nov 2003
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posted May 11, 2004 10:44 AM
PinkPearls -In my life I've been popped the question only twice. I'm always amazed at women who get popped the question all the time. How does that happen??? Anyways, I can relate to what you're saying. I am a Libra with a Cancer Moon, and although I have a lot of planets in the 4th House, I too have little familial ties. Perhaps your innate desire to fill that family void made it seem secure to be with him Sounds like he's the type of guy who wants "the package" - the job, and a wife - although I could be totally wrong, but that's the feeling I get. I've gotten into the worst troubles and messes when I tried to find family in other people in the world. I'm still struggling with it, BIGTIME! IP: Logged |
Randall
Webmaster Posts: 17259
From: Columbus, GA USA
Registered: Nov 2000
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posted May 11, 2004 11:42 AM
Welcome to Lindaland!  ------------------
"Never mentally imagine for another that which you would not want to experience for yourself, since the mental image you send out inevitably comes back to you." Rebecca Clark IP: Logged |
PinkPearls&Stars
Knowflake Posts: 14
From: San Diego, Ca, USA
Registered: Apr 2004
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posted May 11, 2004 11:38 PM
Thank you all so much for the advice. You guys pretty much hit the nail on head. I guess deep down inside I know what I need to be doing, I just needed some wise encouragement to get the guts to do it. It means a lot to get advice from you guys when I can't get it from many other people right now. Thank you again.
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ghanima81
Knowflake Posts: 21
From: Portsmouth,UK
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted May 12, 2004 09:30 AM
Although I'm sure everyone else's responses have summed it up for you, I just wanted to add another 2 cents. I find when people already know what they want to do, and are going to do, they tend to ask for reassurance that their plans are validated. You do not need validation on this. You should not marry this person. I don't think it's cold feet or any of the other fears people sometimes get when they are about to make this kind of committment, it's just not the right thing for either of you. If you know he doesn't love you the way you want from a life partner, then it's probably not going to change. And if you feel that you're not in love with him, although you may love him, then it's not fair to either of you to spend your lives not getting what you want from each other. It would just lead to anger and resentment, and those are the two worst emotions to start a life with someone feeling that way. I also take it he has cheated on you before, and you fear that he's at it again. There goes the trust, and one of the key ingredients for a successful relationship. Once the trust is gone, you can pretty much say adios to everything else. I've had a boyfriend who was quite similar. He seemed to cling onto me and say all the things I wanted to hear once he felt I was ready to end it, and I fell for it time and time again. I took it that maybe he had finally changed, and was going to give me what I wanted, but people don't change. It does seem like he knows how to manipulate you, and no matter how involved he seems to be with the wedding plans and how much of his time seems devoted to the idea of being married to you, I get the feeling he just wants it HIS way. Although I'm sure you do care about each other, I really think you already know it would be a huge mistake, one that would leave you unhappy for a long time. I'm repeating what others already posted, but don't worry about anyone else right now, just you. If you know it will be the wrong thing to marry this man, save yourself the eventual heartache, and don't do it. Your friends and family may be upset, or not understand your decision, but nobody on the outside of a relationship ever really understands what's really going on. Follow your heart, and someday you will meet the person that gives you all the things you want from another. The time on your own will also be good for you, it will make you stronger and have a better understanding of yourself and what you want for YOU in your life. Just kind of rambled there, sorry about that. Hope it helped. Good luck, and remember we're always here if you need to talk about it : ) IP: Logged |
PinkPearls&Stars
Knowflake Posts: 14
From: San Diego, Ca, USA
Registered: Apr 2004
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posted May 13, 2004 04:49 PM
Thanks ghanima. You seem to understand me first hand, you described him pretty accuratly. He's not the smartest guy so to speak, but he's a genius at manipulation. I seem to have this inner conflict thinking that maybe he could change. He was one of those guys I knew was no good from the begining. He had a bad rep, and he was able to convince me he had changed. I slowly realized with every mess up that his apparant maturity was a facade. You don't know how right you are with the "HIS way" thing. Every plan we made from when, how and where we had the wedding, exactly what I was going to have to do when I went to move with him, including getting two jobs and going to school, and he even expected me to have his first kid the same month we got married, which was way too soon for me. I must be/have been out of my mind. Some things you mentioned is awakening to me, more than you think. I know that I would be cheating him just as much, knowing that there is someone out there that can make him truly happy. It'll be hard, but your right, I know I really need to do it. Thanks for your advice and insight. God bless!IP: Logged |
Irish Eyes
Knowflake Posts: 24
From: Bethlehem,PA,USA
Registered: Apr 2004
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posted May 13, 2004 07:23 PM
I feel the need to say something so please don't be offened by my frankness....RUN!I married a man who I was friends with who was in the millitary. Ten years, two kids, no respect and a whole lot of debt later I realize that I should have listened to my-SELF and not married him. If you have any doubts break off the engagement (notice the word GAG in the middle of that word?) Before you commit to him and bring anyone else into the relationship...listen to what your higher-self is saying to you. Hope that this helps. With love, light, and prayers. IP: Logged |
pixelpixie
Knowflake Posts: 2205
From: Ontario, Canada
Registered: Aug 2003
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posted May 13, 2004 10:25 PM
Yep, Yep, Yep.
Good luck.
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PinkPearls&Stars
Knowflake Posts: 14
From: San Diego, Ca, USA
Registered: Apr 2004
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posted May 18, 2004 02:28 AM
Thank you for the wise words Irish eyes. I never cared to lexi engagment, that's crazy! I lexied his name once and all sorts of scary things popped up like "he lies" "get away" "no truth" stuff like that.
He did something to me this weekend. Something...really really horrible. Something I could never wish on anyone, not even him, though I wish he could understand how it felt to be on my side of that situation. Nevertheless, I can't help but think that I deserved it. One, because perhaps I've done that to someone in a past life, and two just for still being with him. That's what I get, and the longer I'm with him, the more bad things happen to me. I appreciate your words Irish. I'm gonna make my move the next time I see him in a couple weeks, and I'm going to keep all you guy's words of advice in my heart to give me the strength to do so. Thank you, and God bless you!
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