posted October 25, 2004 01:33 AM         

But I've felt what Scorpbaby is feeling, and even sometimes still. Once I "knew" what sex was, it was always about the sexy guy who turned me on. They had a little bit of a hard edge to them. After a while, I felt empty, and so I tried dating the type of guy I wouldn't normally be attracted to, the proverbial "dependable" guy.

One would think the love would grow and everything including the passion would just fall into place. But it would actually turn out worse for me, because the vanilla guys didn't know anything about being a "player", so it was like mushy-hurt for the guy, you know? At least a player is aware he is taking a risk. But the vanilla guy goes in blind and head first, with all his heart. Know what I mean?

I'm not saying I want a "player", but someone sort of in between. Sophisticated and caring, yet street smart.

And I did go through a very spiritual phase for many many years, where I too felt I had become too hardened by my experiences. Becoming spiritually grounded helped me to see the bigger picture, and it's a daily ritual, if you will. We're frequently faced with confusion in life, and we start to rewind all the tapes in our head about how we aren't "enough".

Everytime I would speak to a good friend of mine, year after year of being "alone", he would always say optimistically "keep the faith!" Most of the time I wanted to choke him, but many years later, I finally realized what he meant. The answer IS having faith! The answer IS believing in a higher good. It's simply the act of "having faith" and "believing" which makes all the difference.

For deep dark people, including me sometimes, it's kind of like YUK! All those happy feelings trying to ruin my pouting party. That's OK - sometimes we have to reach bottom in our own way in order to "see the light". Believe me, I know.

Other than this, I'm not going to pretend to have any other answers. I'm still practicing.

posted October 25, 2004 08:14 AM         

There is nothing worse than being with the wrong person for the wrong reason.

When the time is ready, it will happen, but until then work on yourself so you will be ready.

posted October 25, 2004 09:00 AM         

Trust your instinct. Don't fall in love for the sake of being in love (so to speak). When you finally do meet THE ONE, you will be much happier that you waited.

My heart goes out to you.

posted October 25, 2004 09:54 AM         

Good things come to those who wait - and im sure your good thing is on its way soon! You never find love when your looking for love! I could go on with the cheesy sayings but they do ring true!

posted October 26, 2004 05:04 PM         

So often I'll get to the point of almost sleeping with him, and i go cold and want to leave. Or i'll be kissing someone, and my thoughts go up over my head -like I'm just looking down on me and the guy kissing - like Im not really there in the moment, you know? And then it just feels like Im going through the motions — "acting", in a way that everyone expects one to, or I've seen on TV. I refuse to do one night stands but the two times I have done them, I felt empty - both during the time and even worse after. I was just going through an act, I wasnt feeling it. I wont do them anymore as I think it was soul-destroying, for me at least.

I too, cling to an ideal, an absolute ideal of true passion and love and I do not think I will ever find it, because reality could never match up to my imagination. And I dont know what to do with that. I guess its my pisces moon that is cursing me.

I often think I should be sensible and just choose someone. But then the thought of just being with someone for the sake of it just kills me. I cant stop myself from dreaming, and i know I would still carry on dreaming once I have picked someone and "settled". So i guess I am avoiding doing that. I'll probably stay single for the rest of my life because of this.

I dont know what point Im trying to make with this! Im just rambling now, but I just wanted to say I do get you

posted October 27, 2004 08:16 AM         

quote:

---

I often think I should be sensible and just choose someone.

---

I guess most of us have felt this way at some point. OK, maybe not most, but I remember I sure have. Then I imagined what it would felt to be somebody's 'just chosen someone' and I didn't like it for one bit. So I'm reasoning that I can't do to a person something I don't want to happen to me.

But, of course, I might be just delusional (Venus conj. Neptune, sextile Uranus) and all the sensible people have figured out something I simply don't grasp.

posted October 27, 2004 09:21 AM         

Do not marry the person you can live with. Marry the one person you cannot live without.

posted October 27, 2004 03:58 PM         

--------

Yeah I've often wondered if they knew something I didnt. Coming from an Asian (Indian) background, I have been brought up with the idea that arranged marriage is the way to go. Its sensible, conventional and everyone does it.

But I have always fought against it, despite increasing pressure, probably because I've always wanted to have that "big romance" ie meet my prince and have some big love story! And somehow, there's really nothing romantic about having your mum find your prince for you!

But at times I get filled with self-doubt and wonder if I should just settle. Maybe I'm missing something? My mum is firm believer in that old indian cliche: "marriage comes first, love grows after" but thats just ridiculous to me. I think indian parents just tell their kids that so that they can save face in front of the community. I see my parents' marriage and i KNOW that love DOESN'T always grow after marriage. Their's didn't. They just grew resentful of each other. And, thanks to the social stigma against divorce in Indian circles, they have grown old merely stuck to each other. I so DON'T want a marriage like that.

I will only settle for love, nothing less. Ive held out this long (I'm 33) and I dont want to give up. But its hard.

posted October 27, 2004 04:59 PM         

I know - it's hard even for us who have the freedom to choose!

posted October 28, 2004 07:46 AM         

I like that quote.

Moonshine,

Strength to you.

Scorpbaby,

Frost is a moment before sun comes to warm.

posted October 28, 2004 09:06 AM         

If you have anything else on your mind, that is more important to your body.

It doesn't sound like you are frosty, more afraid. If you didn't know him very well, trust is what makes great intimacy, and your body can't react that quickly to someone new. Drinking is big because it knocks down the boundaries so people feel like they know eachother, not because that makes it better, but because the body has to trust the enviroment to relax. You wouldn't notice this.

Ask yourself if you trust him. Your body has it's own reaction to trust and intimacy that is separate from your brain, meditation brings it together.

Another idea is a trust game, ask yourself if you would close your eyes and let this man have free rein with your body, with the condition that he stop if you said stop. If not then you don't trust him. Once you feel that trust, your fears will lift and your body will relax.

Hopefully he can trust you too, if he's nervous and most men are, his body isn't responding the way your body needs. Chemistry is a funny thing, it's instant and hard to deny. Once you have chemistry, ask him if he would do the same, close his eyes and let you touch him, promise to stop if he says so.

Strong Scorpio influences cause your body to instantly understand if someone doesn't trust you totally, and trust is a big issue.