posted November 03, 2004 03:18 AM         

Have any of you ever stayed in a relationship because you felt ''guilty'' or as if you ''owed'' the other person something? I have noticed other aquarian women doing this, putting up with a lot of frustration to make the other person happy. Is this because of our so-called ''humanitarian'' approach to life? Or is it just a personal thing? Have you ever known that you are not in love with somebody, maybe never were, but were there for them at a certain time, for a reason that may not have been clear to you when you first got together? I have consistently put myself in positions like this, and felt miserable and stifled at some point close to the end, which led me to either despise the other person, or despise myself. Is this also something to do with how aquarians are supposedly capable of being emotionally cut off or distant? I'll admit that I should have had the courage of conviction to let the other person know my feelings way before it got to this point, but I always seem to wait until there is a smoldering crater left of what was once a love-affair. This seems sooo stupid, but I just don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Is there any advice anyone can give me about letting my feelings out honestly, and still not feel like I have cut a hole out of somebody's chest?

On another note, has anyone ever noticed the things mates will do when they *realize* that the end is near? I.E. buying gifts, trying to act extra sweet or doing things they would not have done before? Do you feel that to be sad, frustrating, or even irritating? I guess if one could be honest from the moment they start to feel the relationship isn't going anywhere, this wouldn't happen; but why oh why doesn't the other person speak up and ask what is going on, instead of trying to salvage things far too late in the game? Am I copping out by not saying how I feel, and waiting for them to notice? And what about all the other factors that sometimes can bind you into a relationship? How can you appease everyone involved? And should you, or should you just do what you feel like doing for your-self? Bah, I'm sorry to ramble about this, folks, but I'm at the hair-tearing point... the hair-tearing, journal destroying, mirror smashing, crying myself to sleep point. And it fargin sucks....

Thanks for listening to my little rant. Any and all comments will be soooooooo greatly appreciated.

posted November 03, 2004 09:49 AM         

I stayed with him way too long because I thought I was doing it for my kids (we have two). It was a wake up call when my eldest son broke up our fight by screaming "Please don't hurt my mommy."

All my life, I was brought up to believe that when you marry a dog, you become a dog, if you marry a pig, you become a pig, and there is no way out. Divorce is completely out of the question in my family. They pretty much disowned me (without coming right out and saying so) when I left my first husband. Right now, I couldn't care less.

What I learned from my experience is that if you are really unhappy in a relationship, get out. Because if you don't, you will make everyone's life miserable - you, your spouse, your kids (if any). It's really bad when you stay in a relationship when you are unhappy because your kids will learn that "this is what it's like to be married - horrible".

Some people stray when they are unhappy, others drink themselves stupid. I think that is their way of dealing with the feeling - escape into fantasy world. I don't know if this is the way to go but I guess each person has their own survival instinct.

Personally, I can take a lot of punishment and ignorance and will try my best to keep my marriage together. This is due in large of my upbringing. But when I do decide to go, there is no turning back.

You have to decide what is best for you and your partner. If you decide to stay, focus on the positive. There must be something you like about him that made you fall in love with him in the first place.

If you decide to leave, make up your mind and go. Don't look back. Focus on the future.

Good luck.

Miss Muffet

posted November 03, 2004 01:48 PM         

Lighten your load until you feel like you're a bit more mobile. When you stick with someone to those extremes, it's NOT for the kids. Sorry. It's sex. So start by freeing your body, and your mind and heart will follow.

Seriously.
This is an M day. What number is M? Wait. It's 4.

IT'S a 4 Day folks - here's how go your day -

"Your ability to engage yourself in concrete plans will be a strong trait. You know the value of things and have the willingness to work toward long range goals. You understand details and respect law and order. You may tend to become too rigid and narrow in your thinking."

posted November 05, 2004 12:47 AM         

It's just a hard thing to do for me. I don't like hurting other people, but I realize that in wanting to be the 'nice person', I have sacrificed everything there is to me that makes me, *me*. It's stupid, I know, but I can't really explain why I put myself in this position in the first place. I mean, I guess I thought I was in love, but it seems now that it was more of a convenience thing. It's turned into a big mess though, so how convenient is that, really? It's just all the other factors, ones that I understand that shouldn't matter, but it doesn't help me feel any better about what has to be done. Thank goodness for Saggies, they really help get my head screwed back on properly. I had a great conversation with one today, and she basically said the same thing you all are. I don't have any kids, I don't have a career, I don't have anything that ties me to this person except my fear of hurting them. Which seems ridiculous, as they don't seem to give too much thought to how I feel most of the time. I guess my problem is, going into a relationship, I don't ever see it ending. I can't picture a rocky road, and even when it becomes difficult, I don't acknowledge it. I carry on, doing what I can, to keep the peace. And then months, years down the line, I look back and think ''hang on a minute, when was I ever happy?'' I'm there now, I see that I must go now, or risk my sanity and well being. I have to understand that I can't take all the time in the world to appease everyone, also. It's my life, and they can think whatever they want...

Here's the spirit!! Onward and upward from here!!

Thanks for all your words, you are all such strong people, you give me such divine wisdom.

posted November 05, 2004 06:07 AM         

If he doesn't want to go, or you don't, then at least gradually try and uninvolve yourself in the "we" until you feel comfortable being on your own. It could take years, don't feel hopeless. Feel happy you know what to do.

Yes I find those presents humiliating, it's not love, it's controlling, making you feel guilty so you stay. It's called a guilt trip and it works for a reason.

Maybe I understand because I have uranus trine Sun, or a strong Mercury, but I have been controlled too easily in the past by someone who I felt was my entire world. I felt I was nothing without him, he was my entire future. Now I still have trouble being grounded around him, but it's partly real, partly guilt. I know I am a better friend to him, independent.

Give yourself time and take real steps.
I agree with Heart and Soul, but remember compassion is not guilt. Have compassion for yourself.

posted November 05, 2004 06:47 AM         

DID I MISS SOMETHING IN THE ORIGINAL POST???

posted November 05, 2004 06:57 AM         

Thank all of you for your kind words. It's good to have other people who have either been here, or at least understand where I'm coming from.

posted November 05, 2004 04:10 PM         

Good question, if he actually had the balls to confess he noticed something was wrong, I'm pretty sure I would say something. Strike that, I'm positive... I don't know why, but I can't ever seem to be the one to start ''that'' conversation... And I have Mercury, Mars and my south node in Aqua... if that answers any of your questions.. damn humanitarian ways...

ariestiger,

Yes, yes, yes. You totally get where I'm at right now. And, as fate would have it, Aqua's are having a stressful year. My astrologer/ professor at Uni said that to me the other day... And what you said about Mars or Venus in Cappy, I have a Cappy venus, actually. The pride thing is a big thing with me, as I also have a Leo moon. Not pride in a bad way, but I don't want to go back home having failed at another relationship, not that I should give a damn, but my pride comes from wanting my mum to be proud of me, to not let her down with my decisions. Also, ''actions speak louder than words'', so freakin true at the moment. I feel like, if there was anything to say, it would have been said already, you know? I would like there to be a definite end, where we both know what happened, without feeling the ''I need closure!!'' thing, but I'm not sure that will happen. I don't want to think I'll be here much longer, I truly want to get out... but there are all these factors that weigh on my mind. I have to just say ''bollocks to em,'' and go... I know that. Now, all it takes is doing it...

Thanks guys, your words mean the world to me right now...

posted November 06, 2004 01:22 PM         

My husband has a Leo moon, and Venus in Capricorn!!!
What you say is giving me a lot of perspective on what might be his point of view.
Were you born on 14/2/1968 by any chance?