posted November 24, 2004 07:08 PM         

I've found myself in a few interesting quandries lately that I'm not used to experiencing: I'm terrible at rejecting guys that I really do like as people, but am just not interested in dating (translate: I'm not attracted to them). I don't want to hurt their feelings by flat out saying no thanks when invited to do something, so I find myself giving them these lame vague excuses that I think must be even worse than a flat out "no." Plus- then I don't know how to act friendly (it being my Sag-Aqua nature to do so) without having it seem like I like them more then I do (this is occurring in the workplace, so I see them every day). All this is very foreign territory to me! As a Sag, I like things to be clear and open, but these poor men! I must seem like the most unclear and indecisive fruitcake. Worse- a player? a heartbreaker? Help, please! Men, especially, what is it you want to hear??

posted November 24, 2004 07:59 PM         

I used to be really bad at saying no when I was younger. I was so afraid of possibly hurting someone's feelings. It took many years to get over. But in the long run I was only hurting myself and getting myself into a bigger mess. It can be really hard to get out of this kind of thing. Really it's all about just doing it over and over again - saying how you really feel no matter how hard it is. It gets easier after time. And you'll be a happier person for it. People will respect you more for it.

Also, I've noticed - especially with guys - that you can just be your normal nice self to them and some of them take it the wrong way. I had this guy friend who told me about this one time I was supposedly flirting with him when I totally wasnt. He was convinced that I wanted him - and I didnt......at all. It was really mind boggling. I've seen this happen many times. Some guys will easily take things the wrong way. And I'm telling you, you HAVE to set them straight, or it will only get worse. I have alot of guy friends who also think they know when a girl "wants them" and it's hysterical because I'll know the girl and know that she feels the total opposite way!!

Try it once. Just say "No, I dont want to hang out with you." You CAN do it in a nice way (but practice doing it in a firm way also - nice & firm). And you dont have to lie. Just tell them you dont feel like it, you dont want to, you have something else to do (and I'm sure you CAN think of something else to do, than waste your time hangin with a guy that you dont really want to - so it's not a lie) .

Guys know the type of girl who is easily swayed, and some of them will use that to their advantage. Dont let them do it. You'll just be mad at yourself in the long run. And then they'll blame you for giving mixed signals.

As hard as it is, you HAVE to learn to be upfront. Especially if these are guys you have to work with. I've run into alot of pushy men in my life, maybe that's how I've learned how to deal with them - the hard way. Even when you take a stand, they will still try and convince you otherwise sometimes. You have to be strong and dont ever do something you dont want to do. I cant stress this enough. It's hard to do when you arent used to it, but it gets easier, trust me.

When they ask you why you dont want to hang out or whatever, just be honest. Tell them that you just dont feel like it - you have other things to do. If they have a problem with that - tough $hit. You wouldnt want to hang out with someone like that anyway.

By doing things with these guys that you dont really want to, you are giving them mixed signals. The best thing to do is just to not do something you dont want to do. Then they have nothing to complain about and you dont have anything to feel bad about.

You'll feel better about yourself, the more you do it and it's not so hard after awhile. You are not hurting someone elses feelings by not doing what they want you to do, you are hurting yourself.

Respect yourself and others will do the same.

posted November 24, 2004 10:14 PM         

Guys do this all the time, because the pressure works, and if you feel guilty enough, you may hang out with him just this one more time. And it's not for sex, its' so he can show off to his friends. He isn't planning on a long term relationship, and if you keep giving in, he won't even be nice to you anymore. So, keep it Civil, as in Think of Him as Your Brother.

Good acronym
THAB?

Better advice
Here's what "Breakup Girl"
I highly recommend saying you are interested in someone else, or finding someone else.

"Dear Breakup Girl,
How do I tell a guy-friend that I'm not interested in him romantically without using that awful cliché, "I like you, but only as a friend."? I know guys hate to hear that phrase.
-- Katherine

Dear Katherine,
You are absolutely right. Say anything but. I mean, if you're going to say that, heck, you might as well say, "You've always been sort of a Richard Simmons figure in my life." This is one of the rare scenarios where Breakup Girl does advocate telling an itty bitty dignity-preserving white lie. Seriously. Tell him you're not interested, tell him you're interested in someone else, tell him you're in love with The Lord ... just do not use the word "friend." (Or, for that matter, "nice.") If you don't believe me, read the next letter.
Love,
Breakup Girl

Here's the next letter http://www.breakupgirl.net/advice/980119/980119c.html

posted November 25, 2004 05:04 PM         

you need to keep it short and sweet cos imagine been on the receiving end, it stings and then its gone. ive mantained friendships with these guys cos they know where they stand with me....