posted May 03, 2005 09:29 AM         

I have been waiting for a while to see if something happened to share it with you... I’m somewhat getting so bored with this situation… Disappointment turned despair, then anger and now it’s becoming boredom and indifference…

I may well be exaggerating but this appears to me the most utter lack of interest… And I have taken so much trouble, I have put so much hope in whatever we may end up having… I’m not saying I was expecting to get married tomorrow… I just wanted to go for a drink, I don’t know, a bit of interest, at least curiosity about me… I was holding out my hand…

After his birthday (10th April) he promised to ring me to go for a drink… He took 10 days in ringing me and unfortunately I was away in a business trip abroad. I didn’t pick the phone up as I was in the middle of a meeting but I inmediately texted him explaining the situation and promising to ring him when I was back in Spain. So I did… He didn’t pick the phone up because he was having an afternoon nap and he had turned silent his mobile… Then he rang me a few hours later and we chatted…

I think he got a bit scared because of my love for anything foreign… During the conversation, I mentioned I missed travelling abroad and I was very glad I could do it for work… And I also said I was out with a girlfriend he knows for dinner and we were going to an exotic cocktail bar… He sounded surprised and even insecure… And then he tried to justify a boring life of not ever travelling out of the country or going always and exclusively to traditional Spanish places… I said that’s fine but it’s also fun to explore foreign and exotic alternatives, life is about trying things…

I asked when we were going out for a drink… He grumbled something about not wanting to bother me… And I said “Just call me… You don’t bother me…” He said he would take me to a proper place, a traditional Spanish one… And I said I’ll take him to the cocktail bar another time…

I’m still waiting for that call… Not a single sms… Nothing… I feel a bit insulted to be fair… What is he playing at? If he was just a little bit interested he wouldn’t be taking so long… for a drink, for God shake…

I’m not going to pressurise him. No more phone calls. I’m not that despereate. I can get another guy if I want to… Who does he think he is? He makes me feel as if I was on sale with a 70% off tag…

posted May 03, 2005 11:38 AM         

OK-My gut reaction tells me that he believes that you are waaaaaaay beyond him...ie-out of his league. (That is his insecurity talking).

-What does he have to offer you he asks himself?

-What is special about me that would slow her down to take two looks?

-What a loser I am...she knows so much about the world and I know nothing...

-Why bother with her...she'll only drop me later on once she figures out what a joke my life is...I am worthless.

THOSE are the thoughts I bet are going through his mind. So......he decides to not make the effort out of self-protection. OOOOOO-Kaaayyyy. Lovely there buddy!

If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about anything with regards to him...if you want to call him, do so. I don't feel that you are chasing him...if anything you are just playing out your hand with him...deciding if he even has enough to offer you in the first place!! (Yes, he is correct in thinking that he has little to offer at this time...we can see that a mile away!)

So, YOU can clearly see you have progressed nicely in your life...living it and not waiting for it to happen to you....

Always go with what you feel is right...talking to him, not talking to him...whatever effort you want to give or not is OK! Once again...with little to no expectations...

You are doing fine Steel. Just don't let his dark moods or insecurities pull you into his vortex of self-loathing. He needs to grow up and get on with it!

No wonder you are bored with him...what a disappointment he has turned himself into...!

Hold you head up high and always reach higher as well...you are awesome in my book!

posted May 03, 2005 02:42 PM         

The idea of letting go is such an important lesson to learn in this life. Sue-you are absolutely correct in the fact that once you let go of someone who is not really serving a positive influence in your life, the 'spot' is filled by new and possibly more fulfilling friendships/relationships!!

Now...of course 'saying' is often more easy than 'doing' so.... Regardless-letting go is necessary my friends!!

Steel-your friends here support your feelings and whatever is your direction-we want the best for you always!

(GemStar drifts off into the dewy mist....)

posted May 04, 2005 09:20 AM         

I know, Gem, I know it is fear of being rejected. I’m surprised he dared to text me in the first place… This kind of thing has happened to me before… Himself did it already 8 years ago… And now he has lost even more… He is not up to my level… But that is now and I believe in regeneration and rebirth. I believe in transformation and change. He is nothing now but he’s got a great potential… He only needs to want to get out of that hole, put effort into it…

I don’t know what he can offer me. That’s why I wanted that drink… To discover how much he is ready to put forward… I can help him to grow and regenerate… But he needs to want that first… Obviously he is too scared to even try. And that disappoints me much more than the state his life is in or what he has become.

Yes, he is a loser. He is a loser today. But he can start winning any day he wants to…

I know he is special. I had that gut feeling since the first day I saw him. But maybe he doesn’t know. I’m sure he loves me. And it really makes me furious to think he won’t even try. I won’t find anyone like him… But I will find others who will require less effort and who won’t need to grow to adapt to my requirements… More of a final product… What I wonder is if it’s worth forgetting the raw diamond in favour of the polished amethyst… Considering that maybe I can’t afford to polish the diamond…

I’m getting to the point where I’ll stop waiting for a sign… Where I’ll leave him behind… I had to let go other two men in my life and even when it wasn’t easy, it felt right… It doesn’t feel right this time… But I can’t go on like this, stuck and frustrated, for much longer…

Once, a palm reader told me something… Something about the man I always wanted that I’ll finally get, who I will be very hard with trying to give him a lesson… I’m sure it’s him…

I’m just going to relax and try to go with the flow. What has to happen will happen. There’s no point in chasing it or hiding from it… It will come… I’ll try to get on with my life without doing anything drastic. He’ll come around if he has to.

I bet his Venus-Pluto opposition is activating my Mars… Making me frustrated and angry like a wild beast… That’s one of our most dangerous configurations, that T-Square that I should be in control of… I’m the vertex channelling the tension… I wonder if I’m just letting things annoy me, letting Mars annoy me… Maybe I should be more patient and understanding… It’s hard because Mars doesn’t know about patience, it’s raw energy and aggression…

Gem, is there anything in the stars? You told me once rough and disappointing times were coming and this will be in the air until June at least… You were spot on! Any signs up there that I’m missing?

posted May 04, 2005 09:25 AM         

If it is time for you to let go of him, then maybe thats best. What I've been reading here it seems that his negativity is bringing you down. Believe me, I am going through the very same thing myself with this one friend and I really want to find ways to let her go since she has so much negativity around her. I don't need her to bring me down like that.

posted May 04, 2005 09:44 PM         

People tend to run into trouble when they forget to clearly look at someone...the dreams of that person's potential may never come to pass. Of course everyone has potential...everyone can change their life in whatever way they desire. Will Mr. Aries do that? I dunno....time will tell.

In the meantime, carry on and extend yourself with minimal expectations from him. You certainly can give of your strength to him if you desire. Perhaps that is part of your learning and growing at this time in your life. Incorporating a friendship with him into your current lifestyle might be refreshing for him...if he is ready. Just try to not let his negativity of sorts pull you down. If he chooses not to make a return effort...so be it...you can live with that. Just know when to let go if you need to...

Once again...follow your intuition with regards to him...and play out your hand.

BTW-I haven't looked at those transits of yours...whatever I mentioned before still stands through June...(if I recall correctly). Then things will ease up a bit in a more fun direction!! No worries Steel!

posted May 05, 2005 04:04 AM         

As I was saying, you are right… He is old enough to start taking care of himself. I’m not here to nurse him, I’m not his mother.

I did the hard work reaching out to him and stepping forward after so many years of silence and distance. It’s up to him. If he is not mature enough to take the chance, well he’ll lose the chance, as simple as that.

I have done a good job with my life. I haven’t wasted my time. He has. It’s his job now, not mine, to put his right if he wants to. He has to conquer me, not the other way round. And if he doesn’t, he has nothing to do with me. I deserve better than a shadow of past glory, a loser and a coward, a drop off who abandoned himself to sadness who let himself drawn in his own idleness, someone who leads a mushroom life in a small familiar world because it’s too scared to fight for anything better. A heavy smoker who doesn’t like smoking who doesn’t take pride on his appearance, someone who is more of a burden than anything else.

I’m not waiting for him. I’m just waiting for someone and I thought he was that someone. It’s especially disappointing because this is not the first time I get rejected out of fear, insecurity and cowardice when I was offering my love and a potential salvation. Just for the menial reason of not wanting to fight and try.

I suffered too much in the past for that reason. That is not going to happen this time. He is not worth it. Not after the little energy he has put into this.

I’m not going to contact him again. He can contact me if he wants. Maybe it will be too late then. If he hasn’t learnt that lesson by now, what can I expect?

posted May 05, 2005 08:51 AM         

Oh, and one last comment...please do not get caught up in the 'what ifs' either. Your thoughts about him getting it together only to maybe have someone else reap the benefits...hey,hey,hey...ALWAYS wish him well!! Good Kharma will always be returned to you multi-times over. Try to remember that!

In the meantime, relish in your strengths and your willingness to put your neck out on the line...good job Steel! THAT is what life is about...taking chances and still being OK if it doesn't work our way.

Today I got received news about something I applied for and was turned down. For a few moments I couldn't believe it...then I remembered that just because one opportunity didn't pan out, there are soooo many more places to turn to...and not give up after the first decline! It keeps us humble I believe...the not always getting what we want thing. (At least on the first try...). My life is fortunate in many ways and I become accustomed to always winning with minimal effort. (Grand Trine in water) Life likes to remind me once in a while that effort is important!! Ha,ha...

Same applies for you. Give your efforts with good intentions...and feel OK with the results...even if it doesn't return what you wanted. You still have YOU and all your glory----no one can take that away!!

You are solid my dear...keep up the good Kharma and you will soar high!

posted May 05, 2005 04:50 PM         

Lucky you! A Grand Trine, WOW! I don’t have any of those… And I can tell you, as a Virgo, everything I get is the product of a huge amount of effort… I read somewhere that coming back as a Virgo could be due to a previous life where I used to get everything easily using my charm, beauty or whatever… This time around I need to work as a slave to deserve success… And also, with my South Node in Aries, I used to be pretty selfish, individualistic and self-oriented… This time round I need to work for the team, for other people’s happiness to eventually fulfill my own goals…

I suppose that’s character building but it’s exhausting as well… That’s why losing is especially painful… It’s a great deal of wasted energy what goes down the toilet everytime one of those men decides he’s too scared… My energy.

I’m just a bit sick of putting effort in making their lives better (I somehow end up acting as a catalyst for their happiness) while I’m left behind with nothing. I struggle to try and believe it will come around as good karma in my next lifetime… But that’s starting to not be good enough anymore… It’s always the same story…

I don’t know… I feel tired and sad today, that’s all… Maybe a bit lonely… I don’t want to soar high, it’s cold up there… I just want to be happy.

posted May 09, 2005 04:12 PM         

Thanks very much for your support! I have read about your story in some other threads and I must admit it’s scary how similar things are in many aspects… How are you doing with him nowadays?

I must say something great and very unexpected happened this weekend… Well, I did have to give a sign of interest first… But then it developed nicely without a lot of effort from my side…

I was out with the girls and around 3am I decided to text him just to say I was out that night and wishing him to have a good time… A bit of ‘Knock, knock…I’m still here’… I only hoped for a text back when suddenly I got a call from him… He was out as well and offered me to go round where he was to have the last drink before I went home when I had finished with my friends… He insisted I did not have to do it if I didn’t fancy it… He was a bit insecure, I think even embarrassed to ask and wanted me to go on my own… I bet he is still not prepared for my wonderful university friends, I don’t know…

At the end, it all was a bit of a nonsense. I did try to meet them but I didn’t manage to find them because his phone did not have signal… So I went back home empty-handed, very frustrated and disappointed.

But next morning, he rang me and invited me for a drink as a compensation. We had a lovely time. We chatted for about 3 hours… And I realised we have much more in common that I never thought of… He must have felt very confortable with me because he told me a lot of personal things that I know very few know… He also said he is always very cautious and even calculating, he studies every little detail before risking an inch… And also talked about the ideal relationship, built on trust and a slow getting to know each other from two mature individuals…

That Cappy Moon is strong on him!!! I could feel my Saggy Moon trying to lighten up… I never thought I could ever find an Aries like that… Too many retros I guess… He was more flexible than I imagined… He is open to change, THANKS GOD! But he needs to trust me first… At least he likes me and respects me a lot as a person, which is a good start…

And very true… All those positive aspects involving good communication are powerful and very real… You coul feel the good vibe and the connection…

posted May 09, 2005 10:24 PM         

As for my Mr. Aries...well I chatted with him online a few times several months back, which were wonderful convos just like the good old days and without any tension at all. And then I called him on his birthday last month, but as had I called him in the middle of a family gathering and I was apparently interrupting it, the conversation lasted all of five minutes. And so that's the last time I've been in contact with him. But during the conversation he told me that he missed me, the first time he had told me that since I have been mostly out of his life these past eight-plus months. And for some stupid reason (that I still continue to kick myself over) I totally choked and didn't tell him I missed him back...aaargh! When the truth is that I miss him more than any other living person in the entire world. So why couldn't I say it back?? Maybe my anger issues with him overtook me and I couldn't say it. I don't know. *shakes head* Since then, things are just kind of stagnant between us right now as I continue to distance myself from him as I'm afraid that he is angry with me that I did not acknowledge his birthday other than a phone call when in years past I went all out, sending him cards and what-not. Or maybe because I did not tell him I missed him back. Especially as he did not call me back to apologize for bailing out on me during that aborted birthday call. Although he does still visit me in my dreams often...which is better than nothing I suppose. :P

posted May 13, 2005 04:12 PM         

Sorry for taking so long in replying but this week has been really tough at work… Tons of overtime…

Your story is somehow so similar to mine… So many unsaid things… I recently learnt to start saying all I feel without thinking too much, just enough to not hurt people or provoke misunderstandings… As long love is involved, it can’t go wrong… And you feel so liberated afterwards… (It must be my Saggy Moon, Neptune and Asc conjunction fighting again my silent, repressed and thoughful Sun and Merc… … Are you also a Saggy Asc? It came to my mind you had some Saggy influence as well…)

Don’t worry, there will be another time and then you won’t choke… That’s what matters…

You make me laugh… You remind me to myself, worrying to death, trying to expalin their mysterious detatched reactions (‘what did I do to upset him? He must be angry because of this or that…’). Stop worrying!!! You spoiled him with cards and phone calls… Did he do it back? I bet he didn’t… So he has no right to be upset, he should start caring for someone so special that does that after years and try and deserve it by giving something back if that is the case…

Be calm about the stagnant situation… Some things are written in the stars… No matter how long, they are latent there waiting for the right moment to happen… Look at me!!! I had to wait 17 years for a date… It sounds ridiculous… But then again, this is the right time…

posted May 13, 2005 07:50 PM         

I had a good friend in the Navy whom I had a falling out with afterward. He seemed to quickly lose contact with everyone, and no one knows where he went or what happened to him. I have the occasional dream about him. I thought that maybe because I've dreampt of a dead friend that my old navy friend might be dead as well.

So much for my intuition.

posted May 14, 2005 01:13 PM         

AcousticGod… I may be taking your comments the wrong way… But, can you clarify a little thing for me? Why would you be disappointed because someone so important for me is not dead?! I don’t get it…

posted May 14, 2005 03:13 PM         

I like how you are sounding as far as your feelings and how you are taking things in stride...that is great! You are giving energy as you feel is right and seem confident. It is also wonderful that you are allowing the re-development of the friendship to happen naturally...not pushing too much or as anxious as you were feeling a few months ago...doesn't it feel good?!

As always, I am very proud of you! Keep following your intuition as it guides you along your true path...time taken often will develop things within a relationship that can add to the base. This helps the foundation root strongly and there is no replacement for the 'time' that it takes to develop a solid foundation.

My love and I were blocked by Saturn for a long time and it was confusing as I 'knew' and so did he...the timing was a bit off for us in the beginning. (For several years)

In taking the relationship slowly and letting ourselves develop our relationship naturally...I honestly can say that the delay has been a Blessing in disguise...never would I have guessed how amazing the incredible strength between us would become because of this process called TIME.

Good for you Steel! Keep it going strong!

Hugs to my lovely friend in Espana...

posted May 15, 2005 02:48 PM         

Thanks again for checking on me and being there... I actually feel very contented now. I got what I wanted… He showed genuine interest in seeing me and getting to know me without me pushing him. That’s all I wanted, going for a drink…

Now I know he likes me and he is interested in who I am. And I think he is right about working on the foundation. The same as you… I know now it is not lack of interest, he just want to take it slow and casual.

He is right. We don’t know each other… We lived in parallel for many years liking each other in the distance… We were too far apart… Then we stopped seeing each other, I even went to a foreign country… We grew up totally apart… We loved the ideal image of each other without knowing if it made justice to reality…

Being friends first is a good idea, we never were before… Even when I have the shocking certainty that I know him from before… It’s suprising how well we get on, it’s a strange click, conversation flows and drifts towards very personal issues as if we were intimate friends… Weird… Especially because there is a pulsing attraction, a kind of sweet flirty game…

I’m not giving up on him… I’m just there, not waiting for him, I’m there living my life… If another one comes along in the meantime and I discover that’s the one for me and I was wrong about the Aries, I would go with that… But my instinct has been telling me we are meant to be life mates for 17 years, no matter how hard I have tried to ignore it… Maybe he also knows… I keep dreaming with him quite frequently… Now his call is not that desperate…

He is being very brave considering his position. I’m this long lost dream who comes back in scene winning by a landslide… He is a bit insecure but still fighting his terrors and open to change… Being brave is not about being fearless, it’s about facing fear.

To be fair he impressed me. He is very mature now… I told him how deep he had become and his eyes lit up. I never thought our philosophy was so similar in many ways… He did most of the talking, I was more interested in listening… He sounds promissing… He is a wise soul, which is much more than I ever expected.

We’ll see…

posted May 30, 2005 04:38 PM         

Thanks for checking on me!!! It really means a lot to see how much you people care for me…

Not much is going on… But I’m not too worried about it… I’ve been very busy, my life carries on… I must admit sometimes I feel a bit disappointed thinking that I went to see him more than 2 months ago and we have met only once and it’s always me making the move…

I rang him last Friday just because I fancied so. We didn’t agree to meet again or ring each other last time and it had been 3 weeks without knowing anything about him… I thought “What the hell… Does it matter? I fancy a chat so I’m not going to agonise waiting here for him to call me one day… I’ll do it” So I did…

It was nice… He bubbled when I said that I was ringing just because I fancied to talk to him… We talked about nothing in special for half an hour, just having an easy laugh… I wanted to tell him I had had a nice time when we went out for a drink so I’d love to do it again but I didn’t need to… It was weird, as if he had read my mind, he said exactly that before I could put it into words… So we both agreed we would meet again…

posted June 18, 2005 11:48 AM         

Well, I’m not feeling great right now... I’m so tired of this silence… I’m just so close to giving up on this. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me being impatient but I’m starting to feel angry and insecure again. As if he didn’t give a damn and he was just feeling fattered by my interest.

I has been 3 weeks since I rang him and he said he wanted to see me again. It’s OK with me to be cool about it and not expecting him to ring me inmediately… But 3 weeks without a sign of anything… I texted him yesterday to say ‘Hello, how are you doing?’ basically… I hinted it had been a long time without news from him, I suppose secretly wishing him to call me back, to give him the excuse to invite me out… He took 3 hours in replying with another sms just saying something funny about his job. And that was it…

I haven’t dreamt of him in the last 3 weeks either…

I think I won’t contact him again. I don’t try to chase anyone. I’m not here to feed the ego of anyone either. I’m young and I need to be wooed and cared for, I need some interest to be shown. It’s not so much to ask for, or is it?

posted June 19, 2005 08:29 AM         

Well, maybe I was being a bit impatient… He is that slow… (For God sake, give me patience… )

That sms did trigger something after all… That was the reason why he rang me yesterday night. He was out with his mates and wanted to see me, if I was also in the area (we go out in areas that are close)… Is he really that shy or insecure to invite me up front? It can’t be just lazyness… He wouldn’t wait for me to text him, he’d try any weekend… It’s so silly…

I wasn’t out yesterday and my phone was off. So I rang him back to see what he wanted… He was sleeping so he rang me later. We chatted for 20 minutes about nothing, just joking and laughing. He said again about meeting one day… I teased him saying I would have forgotten his face by then… He said he would ring me once in a while to keep his memory alive and I laughed… Somehow I don’t see that happening in a short time… I will have to trigger it again…