posted February 14, 2005 09:43 AM         

my boyfriend is unhappy, that is his nature (moon conj saturn in 1st).. life is a struggle for him.. he works very hard, though his inability to get ahead in life leaves him bitter.

he is a honest man who cares deeply for his friends and family. though he has trouble expressing this, it is apparent none the less

i understand that for a relationship to work, there must be honesty. i am not necessarily an honest person when it comes to relationships. in my subconscious distrust of men, i've created a pattern of living that i cannot break free from.

i've jumped into every realtionship i've been in, this one is no exception.. in the beginning, things went well.. there was laughing and talking.. real connection.
now, we do not talk unless it's a bicker.. i'm bored. i feel lonely, but i've stopped trying.

i cheated on him recently. was with an old fling this time. i've done this before.. a couple of times.. he knows about incidents in the past, i used cheating as an excuse to break up.. god i'm getting to old for this.. and will havet o tell him what happened.. not today though..

i know that if he leaves me, the pattern will live on in another relationship. i close myself off emotionally just as quickly as the initial turn on, and my unfaithfullness remains as an obstacle that i have to deal with..

there may be forgiveness, but forgetting will never happen. the past cannot be undone..

posted February 16, 2005 01:23 PM         

my real dilemma comes from my inability to connect, and stay connected at a deep level. i don't necessarily think it's all based upon whether or not this particular relationship is the right one. i suck at marriage. period.

posted February 17, 2005 04:29 PM         

personaly, i'm sure my venus/uranus conjunction in scorpio is part of it.. and moon in aqu is square uranus.. so abrupt..
my pluto conj asc is square sun conj mars.. perhaps this is where some of my self destructive tendencies come from..