posted February 20, 2005 03:10 AM         

I have been lurking for a while now and have thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts on love and relationships. Steelrose, your story is very powerful and one that I deeply relate to. I have a man from my past that I have never been able to let go of, despite what logic tells me! Here’s my story…

I was 14 years old when I met the love of my life. My best friend had a crush on him and introduced us. While stunningly handsome, I never looked at him as more than my friend's "crush of the week". Then came the homecoming dance. My friend was sick and had to stay home, so I went with another group of girlfriends. This boy came and asked me to dance - and to be polite, I said "yes". We walked out to the dance floor, I put my arms around his neck, and something amazing happened. LIKE A TON OF BRICKS – It hit me…I knew I was going to be with him - I KNEW he was going to be huge in my life…it was like nothing I could ever describe. It was like something I remembered but never knew I was missing until that moment. Without knowing anything about him – the electricity we had was undeniable and something I have never felt since.

We had an amazing couple of years together. We were madly in love and people would comment on us everywhere we went. It was a whirlwind romance and we fell head over heals for each other. He was hopelessly devoted and was the most sensitive, wonderful guy I could ever dream of. Things were amazing – and then like any couple, we had some obstacles thrown at us. I had a lot of trouble at home - specifically with my mom, so his house was a safe haven for me in many ways. I know now that I put a lot of pressure on him to take care of me in those hard times. Things between us became strained. I found him pulling away, which made me cling harder. I sensed something wasn’t right, but he kept telling me everything was fine. I soon discovered the devastating news that he had been seeing someone else for about one month. I was crushed beyond belief. He suddenly seemed like a stranger. I was only 17 years old. My mom tried to tell me that I was young, that this would pass. I tried to move on.

We ended up going back and forth for the next year or so, him saying he was confused, and me praying that he’d come to his senses again. He began partying, experimenting with drugs, and he was extremely popular with the girls. He became someone I hardly recognized. Everyone said he was a completely different person – cold, unfeeling. But I never stopped loving him. Something told me to hold out, that we were going to be together again despite the things I was witnessing. While we weren’t a couple at this point, we never were far apart. I left my high school because it became too much to bear. He had several girlfriends during this time, but he was never far away. I could FEEL him – LITERALLY – thinking about me. It was almost TANGIBLE. Then I’d get a call from him. It was bizarre telepathy that we always had.

I was a shell of a person for more reasons than one during this point. I knew that I loved him more than anything, but it was obvious he wasn’t in the same place as me. I had to cut my losses and try to figure out a way to escape the hold he had on me. I moved two hours away with my aunt and uncle and started college.

The entire time I was away, we kept in close contact. He had a serious girlfriend at the time but, regrettably, we continued to see each other when I would visit. It was as though our love would never die, but we couldn’t seem to figure out a way to make day-to-day life work between us. We’d fight, he’d grow cold, and I’d be furious. I’d leave, he’d call me to tell me he loved me like he’d never loved anyone else, and it would begin again. I changed my number, I tried to sever ties, but he’d track me down one way or another. It was a chase part of me enjoyed, but part of me dreaded. I never escaped thinking about him.

When I was 20, I moved back to the town where he lived. We took things slow. We never labeled ourselves as a couple – we knew how volatile our relationship was and it seemed that was asking for disaster. We talked for hours every night and our passionate love affair began again, full throttle. We’d fight – I’d tell him he wasn’t respecting me about one thing or another, and he’d tell me I was being too dramatic and overly sensitive- but we’d always make up. Our relationship always had this mystical, magical, yet strangely familiar quality. It was haunting and emotional, a whirlwind of love, hate, laughter, passion, and comfortable friendship.

The beautiful times never seemed to last forever. My heart was broken by him yet again. One morning- after a very passionate night I might add – He went out into my living room to call his friend. I was drifting off to sleep, never intending to overhear what he was saying, but it could not be helped. To my horror, I overheard a conversation he was having with a friend about another woman. I blew up! He tried to lie his way out of it, then finally said, “We’re not committed anymore, so what do you care!! I can do whatever I want!” In swift order, I threw him out, and truthfully, honestly, with every part of my soul, decided I would never see him again, no matter what.

One month later, I discovered I was pregnant. I had to call him and tell him, and he immediately wanted to see me and talk to me about it. I agonized for a month about what to do. He would be very supportive one day, then freak out and panic the next day. It was an emotional rollercoaster that I never wish to relive. I miscarried at 11 weeks. I am thankful that nature took it’s course, despite how devastated it left me. I realized that I needed to be away from him, and in order to do that, I needed to move away. That, I did.

We both went on to have other relationships, but none were as significant as ours was based on what he told me. Despite time and distance, I never forgot him and remain haunted by him until this day. I would go for a period of time with no thought of him, then out of the blue would be consumed with thoughts of him – and he would call me. It was uncanny.

I am now almost 28 years old. I have yet to feel with any other man what I felt for him, despite how badly we hurt each other. We loved so deeply and so passionately, but could never seem to make it work. The last time I heard from him was almost 2 years ago, but I have moved and changed my number and there’s really no way for him to get in touch with me anymore. Part of me feels safe, part of me is in a holding pattern, waiting for him to enter my life again like he has so many times before, turning things upside down once more.

I’m not a fool, not a hopeless romantic, I am a skeptic and I don’t sit around pining for him every day. There have just been times recently when I could feel him so strongly that it was unbelievable. I still to this day dream of him frequently. It’s bittersweet and I feel a deep, haunting longing. I know I could go on and lead a perfectly fine life, and would never contact him. Our 10-year high school reunion is coming up, so I have been feeling extra nostalgic. Part of me clings to the dream of him, of us, of a love like that….

Something tells me if we’re together again, it won’t be in this lifetime. I have to be okay with that. I know from our history, it was heaven or hell, but never in between. I do know that I will probably never love like that again, and few will…

I am a novice when it comes to astrology, but would much appreciate any “easy” observations anyone might be able to make based on our birthdays. I COMPLETELY understand that it’s a lot of work and don’t expect anyone to spend any time on it – but if there is anything glaring that anyone can observe, it would be helpful and comforting…

Or, if there is someplace else I can go to plug this info in, I would be happy to check it out myself!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this – love sure is powerful…isn’t it???

?

me:
April 13, 1977
11:53 am
Juneau, Alaska

him:
February 9, 1977
Time unknown
Tecate, Mexico

posted February 20, 2005 05:39 AM         

Nice to see someone who is practically my neighbor on lindaland. I took a quick look for you, my fellow 818er.

A good reason why you liked each other so much is that Your Moon's are in trine meaning you have a natural affinity towards each other. Also, your Venus' are conjunct, that's very nice, you both may express love the same way. You have Aquarius in your 7th house, which is a nice aspect. It means his sun sign attributes could be what you prefer in a long term mate. Wish you knew his birth time, It would be nice to see what's going on in his 4th, 5th or even 7th house.

I love to see what Jupiter aspects are in a potential relationship, because I think they add good fortune to it. Your Jupiter trines his Mars and that signals you can over come most little differences in personality and/or temperament.

Because you do have some tough Saturn and even Mercury aspects, make sure you truly remember how the relationship was including good and bad, especially with communication. Remember how you felt when things weren't good and decide if you can go back to that.

posted February 21, 2005 12:19 AM         

At any rate, I think I'll have to take a backseat and not be the one to make the first move. If anyone does, I think it should be him. I think, at least for now, it's best that I continue to try and live life without him.

posted February 21, 2005 08:54 AM         

Your sun is conjunct his South Node, I've read that this is a definite indicator of a past life connection, and that may be a big reason why you two are drawn together and have that feeling of familiarity...

I think your Moons which are trined and both of you having Venus in Aries conjunct is what keeps you thinking about him, or thinking about each other. Those are some really lovely emotional, romantic aspects to have with another person.