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Author Topic:   lost & confused
chrissymgreen
Knowflake

Posts: 285
From: hurst, TX, USA
Registered: Sep 2004

posted March 02, 2005 08:35 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for chrissymgreen     Edit/Delete Message
dear all,

what is it with the universe lately?

i'm just beside myself with grief today. i don't think things are going to work out with gordon.

http://tinyurl.com/4clpl

that's him.

i feel awful. ever since he got back from germany (2 weeks now), things have been weird. he's written me maybe 3 e-mails, but that's it. he says he has the flu, but i think he's totally avoiding me. i know he has a load of personal problems that include agoraphobia, OCD, anxiety disorder, depression, the like. i can understand certainly, i know that i have my own problems as well. but crap, i guess i can take a hint, you know? i know i can get impatient and over-eager. maybe i've scared him off. who knows!

i dislike getting mushy and worked up over this, but i can't help it, and i thought if i posted here maybe i'd feel better. sometimes it feels good just to let it out and be done with it. i hate feeling this way.

when i met him in may of 2003 i was all prepared to quit dating except in the broadest social sense - i was ready to do away with romance, because i was fed up that even the ones i don't like very much could have the power to upset me, and it didn't seem like i was meeting anyone that lived up to my extremely high expectations. i think he ended up winning me over because he approaches friendship & romance in much the same way i do; i've just never met anyone who had no expectations but clearly enjoyed spending time with me. he seemed so much like me, with uranus right on his AC, mercury/eros conjunct, chiron right on the DC - all like me.

i thought our synastry was good, too. our suns are opposite, our moons are opposite, my venus trines his pluto, his moon trines my venus, his sun & mercury are conjunct my pluto, his moon trines my uranus, his sun sextiles my neptune, his moon is opposite my neptune, my saturn is opposite his venus/AC, my sun conjuncts his SN, my juno/anteros/psyche conjunct his moon, my sun trines his jupiter, our mercurys make no ptolemaic aspect but they are parallel, and his venus is parallel my jupiter. i know i shouldn't be dwelling on all of this, thinking synastry makes a relationship. i know it does not. i just wanted it to, this time.

i just thought i had met my male best friend, & there was just no pressure, and that's what got me. damn him. i REALLY liked this one! his smile could brighten my day like nothing else, and his friendship meant the world to me. why did it feel so right? i thought my friendship meant the world to him, too. i feel so dumb.

http://tinyurl.com/3sb27

that's me.

last week i did something stupid and i sought out a horary astrologer on-line who was reasonably priced, and i posed a question about the situation with him. i just wanted to know if i was misleading myself or not. truth is, i don't think it was a very good idea at all to consult that horary astrolger when saturn is retrograde. isn't that supposed to throw a horary chart off? anyway, i just feel it was all wrong. the answer was mostly negative and now i'm depressed beyond belief about that. i'm so easily impressionable that it sucks.

http://tinyurl.com/5tj6o

that's our composite chart.

i just wish he'd write or call so i could know with more certainty what's going on. if he's lost interest and withdrawn because of the separation, it's ok, i just wish he'd tell me. i'm so miserable i don't know what to do with myself. it's going to be very hard to get over this.

am i crazy?


chrissy


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laglady
Knowflake

Posts: 139
From:
Registered: Nov 2004

posted March 02, 2005 09:45 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for laglady     Edit/Delete Message
your links didn't work.

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laglady
Knowflake

Posts: 139
From:
Registered: Nov 2004

posted March 02, 2005 09:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for laglady     Edit/Delete Message
how long has he been back from germany?

you recognise that he has probleems right now, that's good. now could it be possible that he's just in a slump and feeling like he
should tend to himself? or do you feel like you are being singled out?

he's written you a few times,
what were his notes like, and are you writing him back?

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chrissymgreen
Knowflake

Posts: 285
From: hurst, TX, USA
Registered: Sep 2004

posted March 02, 2005 10:00 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for chrissymgreen     Edit/Delete Message
deleted - those urls didnt work and they were annoyingly long

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chrissymgreen
Knowflake

Posts: 285
From: hurst, TX, USA
Registered: Sep 2004

posted March 02, 2005 10:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for chrissymgreen     Edit/Delete Message
oh, laglady, sorry i missed your questions. he's been back about 2 weeks now. he wrote me last week to tell me he had the flu. his letters sounded off, though. i don't know if it's me or not, but i just know something's wrong.

we both have uranus conjunct the AC almost exact, and i understand uranus needs space...and can go through huge swings of being close then wanting to be free then wanting to be close again...on and on. i know, i'm totally like that! there is written in both of us this wide "swing"...right now he is "out there" and i'm wanting to be "in". i guess that's what hurts. right now i feel all discombobulated. (is that even a word?)

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Virgo-AriesArtist
Moderator

Posts: 1184
From: USA
Registered: Nov 2001

posted March 02, 2005 10:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Virgo-AriesArtist     Edit/Delete Message
Chrissy,
From personal experience, people with Venus in the 12th like your guy does, have some major insecurity problems in regard to expressing affection, as they can (and this is only my opinion), be addicted to their role are "victim/martyr". The 12th house is also the house of hidden enemies, and people with this placement tend to self-isolate, and keep their personal life almost totally under wraps...there's a certain element of self-sacrifice...
Keep in mind that we are heading into a Mercury Retrograde, and it's beginning to hit all Virgos and Geminis or those with strong placements in those signs...Communcation stalemate or miscommuncations galore.
Hope this helps

------------------
-K
"Most people love with restraint
As if they were someday to hate
We hated gently, carefully
As if we were someday to love"-Venus Trines at Midnight

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laglady
Knowflake

Posts: 139
From:
Registered: Nov 2004

posted March 02, 2005 10:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for laglady     Edit/Delete Message
still no luck on the links. do you have a lindaland photoshop page?
perhaps you can link them through there
or through photobucket

if i were in your position
i'd probably call and say something like
"hey bud, how's it going? you feeling better?"
he'd surely appreciate you checking
up on him from having the flu
i'd keep it light, if he is having thoughts
regarding the relationship
you'll find out soon enough

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chrissymgreen
Knowflake

Posts: 285
From: hurst, TX, USA
Registered: Sep 2004

posted March 02, 2005 10:23 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for chrissymgreen     Edit/Delete Message
hey, thank you, virgo-aries artist.

i do forget about his 12th house venus sometimes. it's pretty close to his AC and sometimes it expresses itself as if it was in his 1st house, but sometimes it's totally a 12th house venus. my pisces sun likes to think it would understand this placement, but honestly it's just flat out confusing. atleast, it is right now.

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chrissymgreen
Knowflake

Posts: 285
From: hurst, TX, USA
Registered: Sep 2004

posted March 02, 2005 10:37 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for chrissymgreen     Edit/Delete Message
hey laglady,

here ya go, i posted them through lindaland photo shop.
http://groups.msn.com/LindalandPhotoShop/chrissymgreen.msnw?Page=Last

there ya go, that should work.

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GemStar
Knowflake

Posts: 335
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2004

posted March 02, 2005 10:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GemStar     Edit/Delete Message

Hey chrissy-hang in there, you will be fine. Maybe Gordon needs lots of extra time to re-acclimate back to home/here. Because of his many social disorders, you already know to give him a wide berth...

I am sorry you are sad and that Gordon is being so withdrawn. Take care of yourself...just let things be for the moment..Also,I like what the others have written Ex. Venus in 12th...need to keep these in mind-especially during this time.

Let there be some space for the moment...you have a strong base with him, you already know that...just hang low for a bit. Be upbeat, not getting sucked into his mucky moods...be steady with him. Did you look at his transits? What are they reading like?

No worries chrissy...things will be OK.
Hugs-
GemStar

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sthenri
Moderator

Posts: 3066
From: Montreal, Canada
Registered: May 2003

posted March 02, 2005 11:01 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sthenri     Edit/Delete Message
Chrissygreen, I have Venus in the 4th and Neptune on the 1st and 12th house stuff...your guy sounds like me when I want to be alone, if he says he wants to be alone, the does, unless he's lied to you before, I would accept that he is telling you the truth. If you can respect that great, but if it's not for you, then you need to date someone else, it doesn't help him to hang on and be sad.

Be yourself, be happy, but he will always want to be alone at times, and use things, like i have the flu. I do that too as I have no sense of humour or happy sentiment, I am always either mad or sad, so if I sense someone is not in my mood I will brush that person off no matter who,

All you can do it live your life and let him know that you are happy and what you are doing, show you care about yourself and don't get caught up in the background noise.

Good Luck,
Natasha
Taurus
Cancer Moon

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chrissymgreen
Knowflake

Posts: 285
From: hurst, TX, USA
Registered: Sep 2004

posted March 03, 2005 10:38 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for chrissymgreen     Edit/Delete Message
thanks, guys. i really mean it.

you know, i've been doing some thinking, and i feel much better today. i think there's probably a number of reasons that help explain this little freak out of mine.

first off, i have a nasty 0° venus square saturn aspect that plagues me sometimes. i know this aspect could manifest in a variety of ways for different people, depending on the signs and houses involved, but what it boils down to for me is that i have a terrible propensity to doubt my desirability as a partner. with venus in the 5th house, i can get um, well, demanding sometimes, too.

secondly, transiting pluto is at 24° sag, approaching my natal moon at 27° sag. gah, this transit is going to be a doozy, i can feel it. it's already affecting me. my natal moon is OOB, too, far out of bounds at 27°42'37" south of the ecliptic, and it is the apex point of a tight t-square i have involving the sun, moon and pluto. man, my moon kicks me in the butt sometimes. i know having it touched by transiting pluto is wreaking havoc with my emotions, no doubt about that.

i do realize too that his water house venus needs a lot of private time. it's easy for me to overlook that sometimes with a 5th house venus (so demanding!), but he has never lied to me before (thank you, natasha) and every time he's needed space, he eventually comes back and acts like a 1st house venus (his venus is 2° away from his ascendant).

one thing that didn't occur to me until yesterday is that gordon was really hoping before he left for germany that by the time he got through with the internship, he would have secured a position at texas instruments in dallas, and since he did not mention anything of the sort to me, i bet you anything he wasn't able to get one. coupled with being sick, i bet he's really down in the dumps right now and doesn't want to see or speak to anybody. i guess i lost sight of that, of what he's like. plus it really does speak to the level of my insecurity that i freaked out like that over something so silly. i'm trying so hard to change that, to be rational, reasonable but also understanding and sympathetic. my 6th house singleton pisces sun wants that!

it's just that it's been so long since i have seen him, 6 months, and i was worried that he's forgotten about me, about our friendship and our little secret codes and games. i don't care about the romance stuff as much as i do about our friendship. that's what's most important to me. i've been afraid that he doesn't consider it as important, that he doesn't think as highly of me as i do of him. i know i'm being ridiculous, but i can't help it sometimes. it just hurts to think he's secretly making fun of me (something i suspect people of a lot, with sun opposite pluto as part of that tight t-square i mentioned, i am irrationally suspicious of people and their motives).

i don't expect to hear from him for a while, really. i think what with my letter last week and the 2 letters i wrote this week, the get well e-card plus the couple phone calls (i left messages), i probably pushed him a bit more than i should have. i didn't act pushy or anything, the letter i wrote him about being disappointed he couldn't make it to my art opening last week was the pushiest i got. i wrote the letters and phoned him this week because my dad's sick (he had a stroke) and i've been worried, and gordon loves my dad so i wanted to tell him about it and take comfort in our friendship. i'm going to leave him alone now, though. he'll write or call when he's ready, and if he doesn't, then i guess he's not the man i thought he was, right? it's not like this behavior is anything new coming from him. i have this one girlfriend that calls him flaky, she's a feisty little triple leo (leo sun, moon, venus), and she thinks he's not good enough for me because he can be so mopey. truth be told so can i quite a bit! i don't care, hey, as long as i feel i trust him he can have all the space he wants. i need space, too. this same girlfriend hit on him behind my back the summer after i 1st met him (summer 2003) and you know what he did? he turned her down, then quietly told me about it and in this very virgonian way, he says, "Chrissy, I just don't think it's a very good idea." as if he wanted to assure me he wasn't into pursuing anything with her, i assume. i really respect that, it's these kinds of things i should remember when judging the nature of his character. she later on claimed it was all a joke.

we both have uranus conjunct the ascendant from the 12th house. his conjunction is in scorpio and mine is in libra. when i need to detach or need my space or freedom, i do so in a manner that's more descriptive of that conjunction in an air sign and he does so in a manner more conducive to a water sign. there's similarities, but differences, you know? i really dig all that scorpio energy in him (AC, venus, mars, uranus in scorpio - venus, mars and uranus are all in the 12th) but it sometimes does confuse me.

i do still feel a little off, a little weird about it all. i sit around thinking maybe he hates me, maybe he's not into me anymore, maybe he's avoiding me. this is what i have done for the past week, anyway. i know it's really dumb of me, and it's hard for me to even admit this stuff to you guys because i know i'm being completely asinine. it's difficult, though. i'm just keeping myself distracted as much as i can until i don't feel so irrational.

anyway, i want to say thank you to everyone for being supportive and kind. i like talking things out, sometimes i need to, and that helps me to find the rational in the irrational. it's the way i work on all that insecurity i have, all those trust issues. they say the key to working with t-square energy is to really channel the apex planet according to sign and house placement, and my moon does happen to be in the 3rd house so one of the keys for me is communication. it's why i love that gemini moon of his, it honestly brings out that killer 3rd house moon of mine, in a good way (uh, usually).

thank you guys again.

sincerely,
chrissy

p.s. by the way you guys, i really do believe i've read that it's a bad idea to cast a horary chart when saturn is retrograde. they say don't do it, i don't know why i did it, i believe THAT is why i got such a negative reading. plus i think for the past week i've really just immersed myself in such negative energy it was the likely outcome.

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GemStar
Knowflake

Posts: 335
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2004

posted March 03, 2005 12:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GemStar     Edit/Delete Message
Hi chrissy! It sounds a bit more like you writing here! You are making more sense today!!

I always wonder why you Pisces Suns doubt yourselves so much. With so many talents and gifts to offer, your self-talk can bring you to low-feeling depths...have more faith in yourself! It is much easier for me to say of course-I have my days that drive me bonkers!!

When my man is too busy with work-being pulled in 1000 directions, I can take quiet time/space away from me as personal. Yesterday was a great example.

He is on call with hospital rounds-duty for 4 hospitals plus a full 40+ patient schedule...busy, busy! Well, I saw him passing in his car way across the road and he was on the phone...when I came home, he had not called yet and I felt slighted! (How stupid!) Well, when he called an hour later or so, he had rushed through his duties so that he would have an hour breather to spend chatting with me (uninterrupted) before he finished the last hospital. It was great and felt good! I have to learn to not take things so personal and look at the brighter side...like, Hey, maybe he is rushing to get his work done and I am the treat at the end of his work day-the one he looks forward to and makes it all worthwhile! All I have to do is change my thinking!

I guess that is what I am trying to convey in a long-round about way...changing your thinking to something positive can do wonders...for some reason, so many of us fear the worst...which never usually happens...

You sense how down he is...for possibly many reasons...I think giving him his space for him to recover in his own way is good on your part. You want to care for him and fix it as well(in Your Pisces nature). Understandable. He knows you are there. He will come looking for you...LET him look for you. And trust that life is working it's magic as necessary....and lastly, communicating when you felt slighted re-your art show is not bad...it is better than holding it in...he is just adjusting and maybe feeling a bit like a loser-someone who just can't get it right lately-with anything! He will pull out of his funk...you just be there when he is ready...patient and loving as always...

Hang in there and focus on your own things for the moment...yoga, your art, happy music....things will be OK!

Hugs-GemStar

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