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Author Topic:   Loneliness and addiction
trilioth
Knowflake

Posts: 48
From: Saucier, MS - USA
Registered: Jan 2004

posted May 01, 2005 02:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for trilioth     Edit/Delete Message
I am one who can admit to having been addicted to sex. I have even lowered myself, by tolerating foolishness just for the sake of it.

I suppose it is a fear of loneliness or it is that i just get attracked and desire so much to end my single life.

I have fallen in a hole. I feel that I am in love with a married woman, yet this pains me. I feel as if I am immoral in my desire, yet I seem unable to escape this desire.

I came to know her through work, before she was married. I know her, I truely believe that. I listen to what she says about her mate, and I have seen how he acts, how distant they are. The guy has been nice enough, yet I don't trust him. He reminds me of a "friend" I had with whom I got into much troble. I feel like I could better appreciate her.

I had quit talking to her for awhile, she joined the military and moved away, so that helped. I got back in touch with her and she tells me how she is married and how he cheats on her.

I aksed her questions about her life. I did my best to be logical and unbiased. I think she would be better with out him. It seems that he doesn't appreciate her.

I try to be like a preist and keep others confessions. I don't like to let others I have heard words about them most time. I most definitely don't tell who my sources are with out good cause. It may be that I lack some moral courage. Who knows...
... I just realized where I was going with that. I was going to suggest that I should say something, yet now I think differently. It is definately her place to do as she must with her commitment.

I am not sure about anything. All doubts and suspicions, I am. I suspect her, I suspect me. I sent an email confession to her my feelings. I have yet to hear her answer to my question.

I was wondering what you may have to think about this mess.

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Secret Garden
Knowflake

Posts: 18
From:
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 01, 2005 03:54 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Secret Garden     Edit/Delete Message
first of all,
WELCOME to lindaland!

dont be so harsh on urself, everyone goes through these things. if anyone here can truthfully tell me that they havent had a single sensual/loving/crushing thought on a married person i would tell u that they are probably lying.

coz i have too.

i was with a guy for two years and he promised he would marry me. two months i dont hear from him, all of a sudden, hes married to someone else. it was the biggest shock of my life and i do not exaggerate. i had prepared for the wedding--dress and all, and felt almost jilted at the alter. he did not provide any explanation--he thot i was taking things 'too seriously' and still wanted to be friends. his marriage was arranged by his parents and he was happy with that apparently. after his marriage we kept on meeting, and apparently he wanted it to be a friendship with 'benefits' if you get what i mean. i had to put my foot down eventually and tell myself that he really didnt love me...he was using me. it was the most painful realization ever but it took me a while...and he was sure as heck playin a whole harem of girls from everywhere in asia across the coasts of america, he had a girl in practically every state, besides his wife, who must be either (a). very DUMB and blind or (b). very helpless to stick with him, or even (c). one of those women who could care less if their man is promiscuous. he has two kids now, and we talk sometimes, but its very clear that i finally have let go and could care less.

u are not a bad person. this woman may be wonderful, she may be ur soul mate. and u shouldnt be so guilty. u didnt fall in love with her knowing that she is married, afterall. love just happens. it happens when she wasn't married if i understand correctly. then why penalize urself for something that happened afterwards?? i am not so concerned with what will happen as i am with your tone for yourself, it is much too disciplinarian. sweetie, rules are not written in stone. you are human and must give yourself love and understanding.

i am glad you wrote out your feelings to her, this is when the real story begins. before this it was all in your heart. and believe me, by being there for her, by trying to be subjective, by offering her pure unadulterated friendly advice you have offered a service which most of us cannot, and only wish we could receive from others.

i honestly think that, in terms of poetic justice, you will find your true love, and conquer her too. and if it is this woman, let it work out, if it is a different one, i hope she will enter your life soon--and show you what you were missing out on.

either way, my heart tells me your near your destination. and your concern for others and for fairness and justice sets you apart from the ordinary person!

Love
SG

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Secret Garden
Knowflake

Posts: 18
From:
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 01, 2005 04:02 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Secret Garden     Edit/Delete Message
may i add to the above post,

if she loves you, it would be best that you two decide on a course of action, or the purpose of the relationship at first, to avoid more hurt and confused feelings later on.

if on the other hand, she doesnt have the same feelings or isnt ready yet, then dont push her, and hard as it may seem, u would have to move on....and meet new people. im not suggesting to suddenly move into a new relationship on the rebound but to get some time for recollection of thoughts, to meet new people, to really think about what it is that u want in the perfect partner and where to find it.

good luck, and we are always here to listen,

Love
SG

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sthenri
Moderator

Posts: 3358
From: Montreal, Canada
Registered: May 2003

posted May 01, 2005 07:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sthenri     Edit/Delete Message
Your may feel you are silly or addicted to sex, but you are no different than many other people, the difference is you have moral courage or you would not have admitted your feelings to this woman. Now that it's out in the open, do you really need her response? Decide to orient yourself, around your own life from now on,

Observe, get oriented, act,
works well in this kind of situation,
You have observed yourself, now orient yourself around a goal, that is the tough part.

Hugs are okay,
Natasha
Taurus

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trilioth
Knowflake

Posts: 48
From: Saucier, MS - USA
Registered: Jan 2004

posted May 01, 2005 09:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for trilioth     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you for your kind words.
I have had a few chances to disuss this matter with those in my life that I know care about me. This has helped ease the pain a bit, much as your words have.

I realize that I left out some details. I think it would be better if I tell about how I met her. I was told by a manager, at work, that we would be getting a new person. I was always interested in who we hired, mainly because I wanted them to understand the job. Also I wanted to understand the person so I could evaluate how well this person will be. When I first saw her I was immediately attracted. I paid attension and listened to her and we hit it off pretty quick. It is a rare person that I feel comfortable with so soon.

When she spoke of her fiance my heart sank. I can't seem recall how long it took before I came to the knowlege of her engagment. I told myself, that she was unavailable, and that I would enjoy having her as a friend. Time went by and yet I could not get her out of my mind. I wanted to tell her, so it could possibly put an end to it.

It finally came that I told her my feelings for her. She could see that I was bothered by something. I was so scared to tell her. I did not want to loose a freind. I could not lie to her. One, I am a lousey liar, and two, even when I could manage a good front, she could see right through it. So I told her and she said to me that she was committed. It seemed to me at the time that she was merely honoring a commitment and not that she had strong feeling for him. I then went on to habg out with her and her fiance all the while trying to fight my feelings. After she told me that she was in the army, my dissappointments had added up to high and it seemed too much to bare trying to be around her much. I just quit trying to get in touch with her.

I got back in touch with her finnally. I thought that I was over it. I told her that much. She found me online one night. She was nervous about one of her missions and she called on me. We talked for a while on various topics. Throught this conversation I learned that I was not over my feelings. I have sinced then emailed her with a confession of my feelings, because I had given her the impression that I was over my crush. I await a response.

I was attracted to her when she was engaged. What difference is that from being attracked to a married woman. I felt guilty then, but no so much now that I have had some conversations with loved ones, and have read your words here.

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 938
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 02, 2005 03:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
The heart cannot know man made rules and convention.
Be kind to yourself.
Be true also, to yourself.

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trilioth
Knowflake

Posts: 48
From: Saucier, MS - USA
Registered: Jan 2004

posted May 03, 2005 02:26 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for trilioth     Edit/Delete Message
She replied.

She is always saying how unsure she is. I understand from her words that whatever cource she takes she will take it respectfully.

I had another issue with her. I sent her a an email about how I felt about being a friend. I told her that all the while, I have not wanted to ruin a friendship. I also told her that I do not trust her husband, especially since she doesn't trust him. I made it cleat that I wanted to be near, yet I would always remain guarded while he was arround.

She called me later. She was crying and up set about her life again. Yet she didn't want to say much about why she was crying, but she did say that what I had written had some part in it, yet it was not a bad thing.

------------------
Daniel Son

"It's just a phase and I want it to be over soon!"
"Just A Phase" from Make Yourself by Incubus

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 938
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted May 03, 2005 07:17 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
You are touching her, which is what she needs. I hope she finds clarity in your caring.

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Gooberzlostlovefound
Knowflake

Posts: 582
From: and the embers never fade in your city by the lake
Registered: Jan 2002

posted May 04, 2005 02:28 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gooberzlostlovefound     Edit/Delete Message
This is a very interesting situation, and trilioth, you seem like a very sincere and loving person.

Please let us know what happens.

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trilioth
Knowflake

Posts: 48
From: Saucier, MS - USA
Registered: Jan 2004

posted June 11, 2005 07:27 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for trilioth     Edit/Delete Message
i have forgotten
now i remember
love knows no bounds

caught up in
structure/institution/"the box"

More worried was I, that they found me as good, by not defying one or more of the ten laws. All so I tried to picture her as my perfect mate. Yet doubt entered my mind still.

I am not done dancing here.

i allowed guilt to enter into my temple and prevert my sight

institution
fear of not belonging
not seen as good

none good but the father
the father seeks to teach the child
wisdom with the help of the mother

g! u r u!
i am not bad
desire can lead to pain/pleasure
desire the flavors of life
all of its beauties
for the tree of life bears seven fruits
may i enjoy the flavors for what it is
not suffer the doubt due to taste

as i have tried to play big brother
may my brother not imitate me
may my he forgive me for lack of trust
may he not go one in doubt
may he find that his qualities
may he understand that imitation is disaster. may the seven rays be seen as part of the whole
may i reach her and tell her again

thank you for love
may i evolve out of need

may i reach her and tell her again
may i visit this post again
may i not look away for a second

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 1249
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted June 11, 2005 10:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
My intuition tells me differently than some of the people's here.

I think you should get out of and avoid this situation. Like Secret Garden talked about being used, I feel you are being used and I don't believe you have a full estimation of what is going on.

I think, and I'm pretty certain you like her more than she likes you, and that almost never works. In fact it's more painful. She probably feels flattered by you, and can't force herself not to lead you on. I highly suggest you find out her TRUE feelings for you before going any further. She probably confides in you, because she knows that no matter what you're on her side. It's a safe position for her to be in, but not a good place for you. You feel like you're going to get somewhere with her while she's just using you as someone she can vent to, and the worse she makes her hubby sound, the more you feel there to protect her.

You could also look at it from the vantage point of seeing who she picked as a husband. He's a reflection of what she thinks she wants. If you're much different than him, then she's not likely going to fall for you. You're the rebound guy, the make the husband jealous guy, the emotional support guy. You're not the fall in love and live happily ever after guy.

Be careful.

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trilioth
Knowflake

Posts: 48
From: Saucier, MS - USA
Registered: Jan 2004

posted June 18, 2005 02:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for trilioth     Edit/Delete Message
I look at my last post and I cannot seem to recall what I was thinking.

I tend to over-rationalize situations. I allow
wishful thinking to get in the way of reason.

I didn't trust myself and that is why I posted here. I knew then as I know now that it is best just to leave it alone. Let emotions play its course. I cannot trust my feelings for women, especially those who are involved.

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 1249
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted June 19, 2005 08:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
I felt like my post was a little harsh, but I was also hoping the it was the right thing to say. I'm glad you came back to say something at least.

quote:
I allow wishful thinking to get in the way of reason.

Me too, especially in the romance department. Why can't things just be the way we want them in our heads?

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sue g
Knowflake

Posts: 1489
From: ireland
Registered: Sep 2004

posted June 20, 2005 05:44 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sue g     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Trillioth,

I was in a very similar situation to your "friend". I was about to get married (for the second time) and met a young man at work - he was 18, and I 29. I went ahead with the marriage for some foolish reason, fear, probably, I dont know. Anyway, I became very attracted to the younger man, I didnt realise, like you, he had an immediate attraction to me - the inner voice told him "she is the one". We shared an interest in rock music and we chatted a lot. I began to dream of him every night, first he was faceless, then after a few nights, it was HIS face - OMG I was mortified. Unknowingly, he was dreaming and fantasising about me. He would never have approached me, I was married, but I just felt compelled to be with him. My ex husband was a liar, drank too much and couldnt comit to the marriage. The rest is history, we are together for 16 years with a lovely 6 year old boy.
What I would say to you Trillioth is this, if you really love her, then talk face to face with her, but I think she has to choose, you cannot remain in this state of indecison and agony. I think Acoustic is right when he warns "be careful". You have to decide if this is right or not, you will know, spend some time away from contacting or seeing her, get some help maybe, healing, counselling, talk to someone outside of the family, take up a new hobby, and then see how it feels. Pray for divine guidance, to be shown the way. Only you will know the right thing to do - I send you love and light Sue xx

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key
Knowflake

Posts: 274
From: USA
Registered: Jun 2002

posted June 21, 2005 12:19 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for key     Edit/Delete Message
It is interesting to know more about the lives of people, especially after reading many of their posts - specifically, Sue G and Secret Garden. The pieces fit better and I have more understanding.

I have no response for you, Trillioth. Well, on second thought, if this situation makes you feel bad - then it is bad for you.

Key

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trilioth
Knowflake

Posts: 48
From: Saucier, MS - USA
Registered: Jan 2004

posted June 28, 2005 03:52 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for trilioth     Edit/Delete Message
I have be our of contact for quiet some time.
I told her that of fear that it would be
for the wrong reasons and so did she?
It appears to me that we have a bond.
She mentioned something of it to me.
She tells me of empathy.
We share a novel,
the sword of truth.
Of which I read to her one of the most
moving scenes from that novel.
Well I had yet to complete it...
It feels like...
..she is my cara.
...I am her Richard.
Not lovers.
She is a guardian.

Her soon to be
asked each to share
our favorite characters
from the novel early on.

He asked me first.
I told him richard.
He told of her choice.

I just sent her an email outlining my discovery, with her help.
I do not think it would be too much of a
shock.
Only that of the never ending story.

I also asked for an appology.
Seems she was to travel, all this way
and may miss me.

May It go smoothly for
the Bull and the Goat.

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trilioth
Knowflake

Posts: 48
From: Saucier, MS - USA
Registered: Jan 2004

posted July 27, 2005 12:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for trilioth     Edit/Delete Message
i wonder why i am compelled to speak in riddles

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soljourney
Knowflake

Posts: 8
From: USA
Registered: Jun 2005

posted July 27, 2005 01:24 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for soljourney     Edit/Delete Message
Trilium,

PLEASE!!! Can I please have your birthdata? I would love to look at your chart to see if I am able to see aspects which indicate sexual addiction.

If you would mind...

Or if you would like to be discreet you can email me your birthdata - pathsoljourney@aol.com

I wld need your date of birth, place, and exact time. Thank you

-Sol

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