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Author Topic:   I did it again
trilioth
Knowflake

Posts: 68
From: Saucier, MS - USA
Registered: Jan 2004

posted July 14, 2005 11:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for trilioth     Edit/Delete Message
(*editied 12:58 AM CDT 7/28/2005 I was doing my best not to name names it was rather hard having so many characters, maybe I can clarify some)

I have written of my affections for a certain capricorn, who is now married and currently seperated. Well along came another cappy, and she runs deeper that any freindship I have ever felt. She has been my roommate for some time, and I have seen her go through changes, all the while I remained torn. (*this is like a short for the long description the next paragraph goes to how it all started)

I had just came out of a relationship (*the lover, mentioned further on) feeling very low about myself. Early on when it was sinking in that she had grown on me so much, I thought that I needed to save her from the monster I was. I felt as bad as a leper--yet they could not see the marks--if i were to touch it, it would be infected. In my effort to save her, I told made it known that she was my sister.

I took shelter in the affections of freinds, one who would have kept me from her, one who would have pushed me (*to the sister, ms.cappy). I took to intoxications, work and play to drown my feelings. I denied my my feelings and kept pushing them away.

She came to be my roommate through her sister who was my roommate at the time. She had come by a few times. I didn't really trust her. She kept herself intoxicated and was usually down about her relationship. It came a time when he decided that the relationship was too serious. She was so upset she came to stay with me again for a time.

She was so distrought. I couldn't bear it. I went to her at sat at distance until, she spoke. Having the opportunity, i tired to be comforting in my words. I am not too affectionate. I desired to hold her to comfort her, but I did not want to offend her. Time went on and she had a few cries in my pressence, also having learned of his infidellity.

I am glad to have had the option to allow her to stay. She wouldn't have taken this shame home to her mother, for there was a big spat over her leaving home with this man. Yet her trails were not over, she seemed to have the same issue as I when it came to relationships--from one bed to the next.

Still she (*Ms.Cappy) kept herself intoxicated and in the company who (*of men) would gladly help her and take advantage of her state. She proffessed being able to take care of herself, all this time. I felt it was out of my place to interupt her activities openly, so I chose to do it passively.

When I have first came to the understanding of her type of behavior, I turned to my then lover to complain. I called the cappy a ***** and questioned my lover's (*this one is the one I left) judgement for having allowed this to happen while I was away--having just returned and interupted a sceene I couldn't understand till an account was given.

She (*Ms.Cappy) grew on me. I told myself that all this time that I was trying to keep problems from crossing the threshold. Deep down, I see that I wanted her to see me. Eventually we became good freinds. We suffered much together.

(*even I am a bit thrown by the disorder of this message, having reread it... I tried to hard to post this I suspect)

I felt betrayed by my lover (*the one I left), I told myself that this would be the next to last. (*this has bit to do with being torn between wanting the "one" in my life and not wanting to let any female near me, other than a strictly sister type) I came to see myself as a monster. Having spent much time with the cappy's sister, who made me feel more human, and came to my defence when I felt vulnerable, she began to have eyes for me, and I for her. Yet she had a lover, and I am not one to steal.

Eventually, I told my original roommate (*Ms.Cappy's sister) that she was my sister. After being offended of me, she ran off to a once-between-fling upstairs, a man I had also given shelter.(* I have come to learn that she was not into me like I thought. ) After three days, vexed of her behavior and her lover's apparent lack of concern, I chasened him for not having eyes to see. I had no evidence but I was under heavy suspicion (hmm, Aaron, lets see... she has strung out upstairs three days with him, hmm, What do YOU think it means?! My fault?! You should have chosen her as your love and not that box in your face!). I could no longer bite my tounge. This event lead a confrontation and the household was split. That left miss capricorn and I to live together.

The lease was up soon and she (*the sister, ms.cappy) had a plan. I didn't pay much mind, I had the money to make it work, she had some ideas for roommates and a place to stay. Before the end of the original household and much to my releif, she had gone back to her highschool sweetheart. (* i mentioned it this way cause I feel like she does not respect herself, much like i have not with the "lover") I thought it better that way. In my mind, I thanked him for keeping her away from the would-be thugs (*the men mentioned earlier) surrounding me, in the apartment I dwelled. Her sweetheart and a freind were to live with us, so we would need a three bed room place at a rock bottom price. We managed to move 10 miles into the woods, coming from 5 miles from our jobs in town.

This is the fifth month in the woods (I am from the woods and the quiet is a welcome return from the city.), and things have broken down for us. One roomate never came and mr sweetheart rarely stayed over. I have the only vehcile among us and he has to stay in our home (*why did i put our? I was mentioning Ms.Cappy's mom's home) town 20 miles north to make it to work. I lost my management job and now my car has broken down so I cannot make deliveries for Steak Out (fast food, bites when you don't eat anything they serve!). This is the 3rd day of having missed work and the 10th day after having broken from the denial of my supposed sister (* once again I am in contridition/torn... I can't seem to make up my mind if she is my sister or "the one").

I probibly did the worst thing possible, I went to her mom about it. I felt heartbroken, desperate from confusion, I just wanted the matter settled, so I can get back to my life. I was near to begging for help of the mother. She had mentioned on three ocassions that she thought I would be good for her daughter, yet she maintained that mr. sweetheart was part of her family and that "she will always go back to him." (* her mother has to this day has remained unbaised, i just didn't realize it then... I call her mother suzi sometimes, not to anyone who knows her, not even her... 95% in my mind)

Since Christmas I have been visiting mother Suzi, my big sister she called herself. She watched over me and comforted me through my troubles. Through her I learned about "listening to the wind". For we often exchange much insight merely at a glance or with very few words. I found her daughter, ms. cappy, to have many of the same qualiies as the wisdom of her mother. (* can't explain this very well...)

Suzi knew all along that I cared for her daughter. After speaking bluntly to her--I had not taken this approach with her before--I became very confused. It seems my confusion also transferred over, much as my pain has tranformed over to ms.capricorn. (* i was merely selfconscious... I thought of myyself as having been very strong in her presence... yet I have learned that she knew my weaknesses all along)

Having searched much. I am still at a loss for how to ease the pain. For the little capricorn sees my pain and it transfers. (* contradicted/torn again... seems I wanted to see her as little not being able to defend herself, and see myself as one with "too much sway" in the capacity to take advantage of her... maybe illusions of powerfull "empathetic transmission") Her mother suggested, that she may blame herself for having lead me on. I don't want to loose two freinds, we have been throught much together. I have respect for him, yet I feel they are not well together. She seems to suffer from his attensions, and her outlook towards him, much the same as I have. (*two friends = ms.cappy and mr.sweetheart)

It may be that I am letting my head rule my heart. I am not sure. I have overlooked something I am sure. I do not wish to wallow anymore. I keep thinking, they have to be able to read me well enough to know. I even told her that I needed to talk to her, then my car broke down. She has been at her parents so as to have a way to work.

Let me have it! And let me see what more Job has to say. I am on chapter 9 for the first time. woot!

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trilioth
Knowflake

Posts: 68
From: Saucier, MS - USA
Registered: Jan 2004

posted July 19, 2005 03:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for trilioth     Edit/Delete Message
i seem to remain at a loss
currently i try to avoid
any thought on the matter

it seems i have lost a close freind

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CappyChic
Knowflake

Posts: 106
From: Kent, Ohio, USA
Registered: May 2003

posted July 22, 2005 03:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for CappyChic     Edit/Delete Message
Hey Trilloth
No offense but what the h*** are you talking about? I seriously don't understand what you're trying to say.

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trilioth
Knowflake

Posts: 68
From: Saucier, MS - USA
Registered: Jan 2004

posted July 22, 2005 04:18 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for trilioth     Edit/Delete Message
i am just as confused

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