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Author Topic:   healing needed
JustAmanda
Knowflake

Posts: 486
From:
Registered: Jan 2003

posted July 18, 2005 02:04 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for JustAmanda     Edit/Delete Message
i cannot explain why, but i am begging for light and lvoe and healing for myself right now... someting that happened earlier tonight that involves my Aquarian...my heart is broekn and i am raw...and bleeding and wild demons are feeding on what is left of my heart...

and i don't know how much more i can mentally take....please pray for me...please....

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BlueTopaz124
Knowflake

Posts: 328
From: Portland, OR
Registered: Jan 2004

posted July 18, 2005 02:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for BlueTopaz124     Edit/Delete Message
JA...

love and healing light sent your way, surrounding you. are you alright?


kisses,
Laura

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JustAmanda
Knowflake

Posts: 486
From:
Registered: Jan 2003

posted July 18, 2005 08:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for JustAmanda     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you Blue Topaz...thanks to your prayers, I did manage to sleep about 2 hours last night...

He just whipped back into my life but it hurt...it hurts...it hurts like it has never hurt before...the things that he is doing right now is hurting me horribly. And last night I begged God to just take me in my sleep because I just didn't think I could take anymore. Apparently God has different plans for me, for my eyes opened to the rising sun today. I don't know what His reason is for that, but it must be something...

thanks again...I very much appreciate you...

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Svetlana
Knowflake

Posts: 46
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2005

posted July 18, 2005 08:18 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Svetlana     Edit/Delete Message
DONE

------------------
You can't lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
J. Peers

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JustAmanda
Knowflake

Posts: 486
From:
Registered: Jan 2003

posted July 18, 2005 09:10 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for JustAmanda     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you...thank you thank you....pray for me to make it through this day...

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Sun_Scorpion
Knowflake

Posts: 1248
From: Devon, UK
Registered: Aug 2003

posted July 18, 2005 09:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Sun_Scorpion     Edit/Delete Message

Hope you feel better soon!

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Taurus80
Knowflake

Posts: 44
From:
Registered: May 2005

posted July 18, 2005 11:49 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Taurus80     Edit/Delete Message
omgosh Amanda..
so sorry to hear you are going through any kind of pain..i will pray for you..and hope you feel better.

much love

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Cardinalgal
Knowflake

Posts: 125
From: Lincoln, UK
Registered: Jun 2005

posted July 18, 2005 01:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Cardinalgal     Edit/Delete Message
I'm covering you in a white light of protection and clarity Amanda - take deep breaths and cry as much as you need to; it'll help to ease your pain sweetheart. I know how it feels when you feel your heart will surely crack in your chest but you will come through and the pain will stop.
Does he know how much he's hurting you? Can you tell him and ask him to stop whatever it is he's doing? If so, I think he deserves the opportunity to redeem himself and cease his hurtful behaviour. If not, then just know that we are all with you and that life will proceed past this point and it will sweep you up in it's firm but loving arms and take you with it.

All my love sweetness, and just remember your worth.

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JustAmanda
Knowflake

Posts: 486
From:
Registered: Jan 2003

posted July 18, 2005 01:42 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for JustAmanda     Edit/Delete Message
I'm at work, and you all have no idea first off, how hard it is for me to keep from just bursting into tears after seeing the outpouring of love here. I have been coming here longer than 2003, for I had a different name here when I first began...and although I'm not as active as others here, I just want you all to know that I love it here. You have offered me so much HOPE today that it's just incredible.

In a nutshell, for I am sorry for being so cryptic last night, but I could hardly see to type from crying....I have an acquantice (and I'll leave him at that) that I refer to as my Aquarian. He has done alot of strange things and shown me alot of bizarre behaviors over the past few years that we have been "friends." I have always felt a karmic bond with him and I'm certain he feels the same.

However...last night he just decided to come back into my life, as dull and mundane as it is, and tell me things about himself that I can barely believe. I have been reeling from these revelations and basically, my mental version of him, the one that I live with day in and day out, died a violent death last night.

My mental images of him are shattered with this information, and I just ..I just don't want to know anymore about him. I think that he feels once he is over these episodes in his life, of which could potentially threaten his life as he is being VERY reckless and very promiscius...that he will just waltz back into my life and try to resume what we had a long time ago. But um, this is not going to happen me.

Frankly his loss of self dignity and self respect has sickened me.

I cried for so long and so hard last night, that my whole body broke out in a sweat. It was like my whole body was crying! As the day has gone on today, I am feeling your wonderful prayers and love and light that you all are sending to me, for my spirits are rising quickly.

I even found a cd today that a dear friend made for me and it has some wonderful music on it, one song is Precious Illusions by Alanis Morrisette...here is the parts that I was singing at the top of my lungs on my way from lunch a bit ago! And it was empowering!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you fellow knowflakes....I love you ALL!!!!

Bit of Precious Illusions...

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

this ring will me yet as will you knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

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sthenri
Moderator

Posts: 3354
From: Montreal, Canada
Registered: May 2003

posted July 18, 2005 06:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sthenri     Edit/Delete Message
It's hard when your illusions die regarding someone you love, and Aquarians are prone to seeming super perfect to everyone. I have known a few who let me down big time.

You feel everything and that's beautiful but let him feel his own pain, and deal with his own issues, work on your life it's not dull!

love and hugs,
Natasha

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sunshine9
Knowflake

Posts: 122
From: NC, USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted July 19, 2005 04:50 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sunshine9     Edit/Delete Message
sending lots of love your way; take care & stay strong, Amanda. hope you heal soon!

love, Sunshine

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