posted July 18, 2005 01:42 PM
I'm at work, and you all have no idea first off, how hard it is for me to keep from just bursting into tears after seeing the outpouring of love here. I have been coming here longer than 2003, for I had a different name here when I first began...and although I'm not as active as others here, I just want you all to know that I love it here. You have offered me so much HOPE today that it's just incredible. In a nutshell, for I am sorry for being so cryptic last night, but I could hardly see to type from crying....I have an acquantice (and I'll leave him at that) that I refer to as my Aquarian. He has done alot of strange things and shown me alot of bizarre behaviors over the past few years that we have been "friends." I have always felt a karmic bond with him and I'm certain he feels the same.
However...last night he just decided to come back into my life, as dull and mundane as it is, and tell me things about himself that I can barely believe. I have been reeling from these revelations and basically, my mental version of him, the one that I live with day in and day out, died a violent death last night.
My mental images of him are shattered with this information, and I just ..I just don't want to know anymore about him. I think that he feels once he is over these episodes in his life, of which could potentially threaten his life as he is being VERY reckless and very promiscius...that he will just waltz back into my life and try to resume what we had a long time ago. But um, this is not going to happen me.
Frankly his loss of self dignity and self respect has sickened me.
I cried for so long and so hard last night, that my whole body broke out in a sweat. It was like my whole body was crying! As the day has gone on today, I am feeling your wonderful prayers and love and light that you all are sending to me, for my spirits are rising quickly.
I even found a cd today that a dear friend made for me and it has some wonderful music on it, one song is Precious Illusions by Alanis Morrisette...here is the parts that I was singing at the top of my lungs on my way from lunch a bit ago! And it was empowering!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you fellow knowflakes....I love you ALL!!!!
Bit of Precious Illusions...
but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim
these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends
this ring will me yet as will you knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water
but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim
these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend