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Author Topic:   ~GREAT ARTICLE RE; MARRIAGE~
lovely*
Knowflake

Posts: 1026
From: CA
Registered: Jul 2003

posted July 19, 2005 01:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for lovely*     Edit/Delete Message


When You Marry for
a Reason Other Than Love

There is only one kind of real marriage, but there are countless kinds of wrong marriages: Marriage is not for joining estates, securing social position, escaping from your family, or because you feel left out in a "couples' world". To marry for a reason other than love is to sacrifice your happiness.

You long for a total bond with a person. You long for the one who is right for you. But you're afraid of admitting your feelings to friends because they'd tell you that this is wishful thinking -- that you believe in fairy tales. They would say, "Grow up. This is life, not a movie."



But there are people who have exactly the kind of relationship you want. They have found their other half. These couples know they are supposed to be together. They feel they have entered a whole new world, a world they didn't even know existed. What they have far exceeds the conventional "good marriage". They belong to each other.

If you truly loved a person, you wouldn't need the person to change in order to be perfect for you. You can't turn a wrong person into the right person no matter how much duct tape you use. If you wonder if a certain person is your other half, that person is not.

When you love the idea of a person -- not the real person -- you aren't in love. If you truly loved a person, you wouldn't be thinking "but" or "if only". This may not seem to matter when you are dating, or even after you become engaged, but once you're married, your energy and patience will wane, and the "buts" and "if onlys" will get bigger and bigger and bigger.

No hard work, no compromise, no amount of counseling will make an empty relationship work. You may have an amiable wrong marriage, but you have still married the wrong person.

If you loved chocolate, you wouldn't have to work at loving chocolate. Isn't it obvious that you don't have to work at being with the one who's right for you?

Listen to you heart. Listen to your body. Listen to your mind. Stop pretending. Before you marry, search for the "but", "except" or "if only". If you find one, you have a sure sign you are with the wrong person.

I'm sick of hearing that all couples fight. People who tell you that, don't know what love is. Slamming doors, hurling accusations, bringing up things that happened five years ago, smashing plates, name-calling, shoving, slapping, hitting each other, the silent treatment -- these are not the actions of two persons in love. Marriage is not a battleground.

If you're dating someone and having these problems, face up to it. It isn't right. It will never be right.

A lot of good people get into wrong relationships for innocent reasons. They don't know what real love is, but they want someone. They want someone so much they are willing to pretend it is all right.

They want someone, almost anyone, so much that they will lie to everyone and to themselves so they can be married. They lie to escape loneliness, to escape pressures, to be like everyone else. When they don't tell the truth to themselves, they end up living a lie. They marry someone with whom they can't even communicate.

If you can't talk to your spouse about anything and everything, if you can't speak to your spouse from your heart, then to whom can you talk? If you have to talk to a paid stranger, doesn't that tell you something is wrong?

When you married for better or for worse, the worse refers to life, not what the wrong person decides to put you through. Self-preservation is not selfishness.

There are people attacking divorce as if it were the problem. They don't understand that divorce is just a reaction to the problem. The problem is two people who don't belong together.

People are not getting divorced because they are immoral or selfish. It's because these people have been suffering in bad marriages for years and years. Now things are changing, and some people are getting out of these marriages. But they still don't know how to get it right. Until you know what you are doing wrong -- and why -- you can't get it right.

Some people say you are taking the easy way out, and being selfish when you end a wrong relationship. It takes a lot more character to end a wrong marriage than to stay in it. It's not easy, but for the children's sake and yours, it is right. Your children will always be your children, the responsibilities of caring for and rearing them don't end with the divorce. But if you don't show your children the kind of relationship you want them to have, you're training them to repeat the same scenes in their own marriages.

If you stay in a relationship with a cheater, you teach the children that there are no consequences for doing wrong. When children are taught for 15 or 20 years by someone who's doing it wrong, they will do it wrong, and teach their children to do it wrong.

It's not a forced event. It's not something you can make happen or stop from happening. It is nature at its most mysterious. It could be that the two of you have been dancing around each other for a long time, waiting to connect. Just because you missed it the first time, doesn't mean that the attraction goes away. You somehow know you were born to come to this. It is destiny. You must be together. Anything else is inconceivable.

We are talking about the person with whom you are completely yourself. Only a very few let this happen to them. Most destroy their chances. That's why so many people say, "I never experienced this," or "This hasn't happened to me." They are not letting it happen.

Your other half is the person who touches the deepest feelings you have. This is the person who will love you just as you are -- just as you want to be loved.

This doesn't mean you will live a charmed life. What it does mean is that you have found the rest of you, and that no matter what situations come into your life, you are not alone. You and your other half can deal with life together.

There's an old song called "Torn Between Two Lovers". No. If you are torn between two lovers, neither is the right one.

When will you find your other half? You don't find you other half when you are desperately searching. This happens only when you have dropped your mask.

If you want the one person who is exactly right for you, then you have to be you. No saying or doing things that are not you, no pretending to be someone else. If you don't want someone who lies or plays games, you can't do those things either. How can you be known by the one for you, if you are acting like someone else?

Copyright 1998 by Echo Work Publishers. All rights reserved.

Illustrations Copyright Annie Tempest at The O'Shea Gallery, London - www.tottering.com

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Svetlana
Knowflake

Posts: 52
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2005

posted July 19, 2005 03:30 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Svetlana     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you for posting this lovely*

------------------
You can't lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
J. Peers

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GemStar
Knowflake

Posts: 538
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 19, 2005 03:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GemStar     Edit/Delete Message
THIS is an enlightened approach to marrying The ONE!!

THIS article speaks volumes of truth!!

Thanks!!


GemStar

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lovely*
Knowflake

Posts: 1026
From: CA
Registered: Jul 2003

posted July 19, 2005 04:31 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for lovely*     Edit/Delete Message
yeah GemStar, I totally agree. It's a useful article when ever you have doubts about the person your dating. If I were single I would print it out and post it on the fridge~

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sunshine9
Knowflake

Posts: 126
From: NC, USA
Registered: Feb 2005

posted July 19, 2005 04:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for sunshine9     Edit/Delete Message
lovely*,

That is the most beautiful article i've read on love in a very long time. Having done it both ways (ie. married the wrong person, despite having fallen for the One), i can truly appreciate the sentiment in that article. It brought up bittersweet emotions for me.

I have a question for y'all though - do you really find that even after you've married the One, you don't have fights or arguments? Is that realistic? I've heard that it's a most natural part of life, that arguments (that are handled in a healthy manner) can bring you closer. Having married not-the-One, i can't tell...

Though, i do agree, the kind of fights they describe sound a bit extreme - there shouldn't be any mind games or physical abuse, a big no-no in a truly loving relationship. But isn't it quite natural to have some differing views, or argue about mundane things when you live together, even if he is your soulmate? What do y'all think about that bit on fighting?

Sunshine

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lovely*
Knowflake

Posts: 1026
From: CA
Registered: Jul 2003

posted July 19, 2005 05:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for lovely*     Edit/Delete Message
Yes I agree there will always be differing views, as they are so important to spiritual growth. I guess the key is doing so in a natural and loving way.

So glad you you liked the article

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

Posts: 1307
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004

posted July 19, 2005 06:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message
lovely*, you're talking right to me, girl...

thanks for sharing.

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

Posts: 1173
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005

posted July 19, 2005 06:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
I agree with Sunshine on this. It does seem a bit if not way unrealistic. The idea of thinking that you're going to find someone with whom you'll never take any issue with seems a bit absurd to me. Perhaps at the end of our lives once we've done most of our growing this would be possible.

I do agree with this, though:

quote:
If you want the one person who is exactly right for you, then you have to be you. No saying or doing things that are not you, no pretending to be someone else. If you don't want someone who lies or plays games, you can't do those things either. How can you be known by the one for you, if you are acting like someone else?

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 859
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted July 19, 2005 06:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Alot of truth there.

I think no matter f you are perfect together, everyone has bad days.. of course, friction is one thing... fights another.. I agree with most of the article.
MIght just send it off to a few special people who may need it.

thanks.

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GemStar
Knowflake

Posts: 538
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 19, 2005 07:38 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GemStar     Edit/Delete Message
Regarding disagreements with your spouse...Yes, there will be times when one of you takes an opposite point of view on things...that is natural as we all are different in so many ways. The key is 'healthy' communication and resolution.

The 'unhealthiest' thing some couples do is NOT expressing disagreement when they should. When one person is seemingly always acquiesing to the other's preference, I truly think that repression can lead to resentment. Keeping feelings inside oneself that are not so nice and fuzzy is asking for a bigger problem in the future. It seems to compound over time.

So yes, it is unrealistic to expect you will never disagree...however, if you can communicate in a rational and respectful manner...you DO become closer as a result! Maybe in the opening of yourself and being vulnerable in expressing a particular difference, you are essentially opening up to the other person and trusting that they will not hurt you more. There is huge Trust involved and I think that is why you do become closer when you discuss even touchy issues!! Trust is so important!

Perhaps-like everything else in life, it is HOW you approach the other person that ultimately creates the biggest influence toward the outcome desired.

Overall-the Right One is easy to be with and all forms of communication build for a better relationship and marriage-just as long as it is not unbalanced in a negative way.

Thanks again!

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 859
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted July 19, 2005 10:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
I feel like I knew a heck of a lot more before I was married,. about what I expected, how to communicate, etc ...than I know know, when it matters more, as it is no longer just preamble and projection. It is the crux of life, the communication styles actualized instead of compartmentalized in fictional categories of what-ifs.
Articles or none, sometimes you just hate the way he will throw everything in the dryer, without checking labels. ( To which I heard someone reply, 'yes, but he is doing laundry', to which I reply.. 'yes, but if its wrong, its wrong!'
Anyway...
Point is, I would love to communicate effectively, but bottom line, I can do all the communicating I want, from the bottom of my heart, if he hears what he wants to hear, because of how he is hardwired to be, and I hear differently, because of who I am, no matter how much communicating we do, it is not effective. It's just talking, not really listening, or at least not with the right presence.
So I like the idea of just knowing, just understanding, just being.. without all the styles.

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pixelpixie
Moderator

Posts: 859
From: Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 2005

posted July 19, 2005 10:49 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for pixelpixie     Edit/Delete Message
Gemstar~
""""acquiesing""""

What a sexy word that is!
I love it!

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GemStar
Knowflake

Posts: 538
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 19, 2005 11:07 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GemStar     Edit/Delete Message
Hey Pixelpixie! I LOVE IT TOO!!

Just a quick thought....I have used Astrology when I needed the other person to 'hear' what I was trying to communicate. (And my way was not being heard!) I agree that we all have our own styles etc...(she sings-I gotta Be Meeeeee!!!) LOL!!

The unspoken knowing and understanding is a connection that is a special one. Certain things are understood-even though each of you differs in certain areas...

So... my question for All would be this:

"Do you think it would make sense to communicate in the other person's language (not your's) in order for that person to 'hear' you?"

My answer-YES! Use your astrology knowledge for those 'special moments', to get your point across in his/her language. Does that make good sense to you??

Give it a try and see what happens...they will never know your secret!!

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Svetlana
Knowflake

Posts: 52
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2005

posted July 20, 2005 08:09 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Svetlana     Edit/Delete Message
"Point is, I would love to communicate effectively, but bottom line, I can do all the communicating I want, from the bottom of my heart, if he hears what he wants to hear, because of how he is hardwired to be, and I hear differently, because of who I am, no matter how much communicating we do, it is not effective. It's just talking, not really listening, or at least not with the right presence.
So I like the idea of just knowing, just understanding, just being.. without all the styles"

pixelpixie,
Excellent! Spoken like a woman with experience and not just pretty theories.

------------------
You can't lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
J. Peers

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Svetlana
Knowflake

Posts: 52
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2005

posted July 20, 2005 08:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Svetlana     Edit/Delete Message
GemStar,
I agree with you on using the language that the other person would understand.
I love the saying, that I feel is appropriate here, "Treat others the way THEY want to be treated"

------------------
You can't lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
J. Peers

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maroon_flower
Knowflake

Posts: 149
From: S.E.A.
Registered: Dec 2004

posted July 20, 2005 08:23 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for maroon_flower     Edit/Delete Message
Such an amazing article...

Yes, as Acoustic had pointed out, the last sentence deserves pondering... How can our 'the One' recognise us if we continue to pretend to be someone else... et vice versa. Hmmm...


Thanx Lovely* for sharing something so helpful...

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future_uncertain
Knowflake

Posts: 1307
From: ohio
Registered: Aug 2004

posted July 20, 2005 04:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for future_uncertain     Edit/Delete Message
Just a question...

Suppose the information in the article is absolutely correct, does this mean we should only marry "the one?" Isn't it possible to love someone who is not "the one?"

I find it difficult to believe that if there really is only one person in this world for us, that each of us will find that person in our lifetimes. Does this mean that we should forsake marriage unless we are "chosen?"

Hmmmm...

Lovely*, I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on this.

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AcousticGod
Knowflake

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From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
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posted July 20, 2005 04:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for AcousticGod     Edit/Delete Message
I'd like to hear from Sue G on this as well.

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lovely*
Knowflake

Posts: 1026
From: CA
Registered: Jul 2003

posted July 20, 2005 05:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for lovely*     Edit/Delete Message
FU.. i've been gathering my thoughts on this for a while now. I've had the article for a few years and dig it up when i find a friend who needs clarity.

I'm married and expecting our second child as most of you know, and I have asked myself many of the same questions. I cannot lie and wonder if my ONE is somewhere else. My husband and I have been through so much. We separated when our daughter was 19 months old. We've been through therapy and have come full circle in so many ways. We love each other one day and live harmoniously for some time, and then energy shifts, sometimes i blame the planets LOL, ..but pressures happen and we begin picking on one another again. He dredges up the past quite a bit. Where I find the past only useful for learning and growth, he uses it as amo. We have both grown in this relationship, but when the growing stops, the marriage stops. I feel we are in a constant state of arriving and that there's a ceiling with every personal relationship and in order to be with the one, we have to progress spiritually. And sometimes other people (mates, husbands, wives) help us get there. Like a karmic ladder. So yes, I believe we are supposed to marry..and perhaps also divorce.

There are better matches for us out there, but we have to be ready to accept that love. I have come close. Had strong psychic connections with one man, not needing words to explain feelings, having that lasting chemistry & "knowing" we all somehow recognize. The astrology has been a near perfect match with this one, but for whatever reason, my youth, whatever, it didn't work.

When you find the one, it's a real blast to the soul. It's challenging if you're not prepared to face truth, live cleanly and honestly. When the One has an observation about you and says something lovingly critical about something needing to be addressed, it doesn't hurt, because its said IN LOVE. You process it differently and want very deeply to understand why you do the things you do. It's growth, it's beautiful, it's nature. Ya know what I mean?

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GemStar
Knowflake

Posts: 538
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 20, 2005 07:59 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GemStar     Edit/Delete Message
"When you find the one, it's a real blast to the soul. It's challenging if you're not prepared to face truth, live cleanly and honestly. When the One has an observation about you and says something lovingly critical about something needing to be addressed, it doesn't hurt, because its said IN LOVE. You process it differently and want very deeply to understand why you do the things you do. It's growth, it's beautiful, it's nature. Ya know what I mean?"

(I didn't know how else to post a quote from the post above!!)


EXCELLENT!! You hit it on the nail with that statement Lovely!!

Most people will agree that there is more than ONE person who fits into 'The One' category. You can love many, many people during your Life. You may even be married to someone who is not The One.

However...there is nothing else in Life that can equal being in Love with The One. Nothing even close.

Too many folks settle...because they are afraid that The One will never show up...If you are the Best person you can be, on all levels (Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual and Physical), then The One for You will come into your Life when He or She is at that level too...and not before.

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lovely*
Knowflake

Posts: 1026
From: CA
Registered: Jul 2003

posted July 20, 2005 08:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for lovely*     Edit/Delete Message
yep that about sums it up gemstar. and until then.. love the one you're with

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WaterNymph
Knowflake

Posts: 241
From:
Registered: May 2005

posted July 20, 2005 08:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for WaterNymph     Edit/Delete Message
“You can't turn a wrong person into the right person no matter how much duct tape you use.”
I’m sorry, but that just made me laugh

Beautiful article lovely* - it’s strange…but I kinda knew all this in my heart…since I was a child. You know, if someone loves you, they don’t hurt you ( intentionally ) - and they’ll accept you for who you are. Only I feel that applies to all relationships, not just romantic.

The “If you want the one person who is exactly right for you, then you have to be you.” makes a lot of sense.

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WaterNymph
Knowflake

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posted July 20, 2005 08:54 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for WaterNymph     Edit/Delete Message
“all couples fight” - really depends on what fight means.

“Slamming doors, hurling accusations, bringing up things that happened five years ago, smashing plates, the silent treatment”

I’m not including the others…no relationship should have those. But these…I mean to me, it looks like misunderstandings. If I think back to all my past arguments…they’re mostly due to misunderstandings.

But would finding someone who’s on the same wavelength change anything? ok fewer misunderstandings - but is that all that causes fights? Being selfish, inconsiderate, uncaring, insensitive etc. doesn’t that cause it too?

IMO being with “the one” should not have any of those…but on the other hand ( I was a Libra in my last life ) don’t all humans have flaws? Perhaps it’s only once we “fix” ourselves of these flaws…are we able to find “the one”

quote:
If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?”

Perhaps it’s fear that stops us from finding “the one”.
I feel whatever we give out into the universe…we get back. Perhaps if you give out love and understanding, you will get it back.

Gosh love should not be complicated - we just love to make it that way so we don't get

*edited

Ok, got rid of spelling mistakes, changed certain words…only to realise I used capitals…so had to change that, moved things around - and now I have finally finished editing

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Aphrodite
Knowflake

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posted July 21, 2005 02:44 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Aphrodite     Edit/Delete Message
From a Capricorn Moon perspective . . . aesthetically, the article sounds nice . . . though the impression it gives is that relationships are black and white. Good or bad. Wrong or right. Lots of judgement, and less inclination of understanding and patience of the person, or developing powers of negotiation and openness. Though this idea is what a lot strive for, the majority of the time . . . We see people constantly in a state of "working relationships." Something is always going on. In a way, this article is a stereotype portrayed in Hollywood films and romance novels.

Just a thought.

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GemStar
Knowflake

Posts: 538
From: USA
Registered: Jul 2004

posted July 21, 2005 07:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GemStar     Edit/Delete Message
Hey Aphrodite!

While I understand what you are thinking, anyone who has met The One will tell you that the article rings true. It is not a Hollywood tale nor unachievable.

As far as those people who are 'working at' their marriages...ongoing, consider that this is exactly the point this article is trying to convey. In a marriage to The One, it is extremely easy and doesn't seem to take so much work...it naturally flows with little effort! And...it is lots of FUN!

Understanding and patience etc...is a 'given' in any relationship you have in your Life. The main idea of the article I believe is to comprehend that not only will you KNOW when you meet The One, it will not be a laborious Herculean task.

Because the majority of people do not understand how real 'Love' feels-on higher levels, they find themselves constantly 'working at' a relationship/marriage that was probably less than the highest level of Love.

MANY people marry for other things than Love but usually will not admit it to themselves. Maybe what they thought was Love was really something else...
(great sex, companionship, security, status etc.).

Overall, I do think that most folks try their best to find real Love.
And it is easier to say- "Fairy tale true Love is a Myth",
rather than face the fact that they missed the mark on real Love.

Take your time and set a High Bar!

Know Yourself, Be your Best Self and DO NOT SETTLE!!!

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