posted September 16, 2005 07:56 PM         

I don’t want to be a year older. But it is worse to go through the actual day… To discover how unimportant I am for the world… To feel the absence of those who didn’t remember it was my day. Because they have more important things to think of.

I went out with a few friends this evening. One of them is getting married in two weeks and another one just had a baby. We talked about that all the time, not that I wanted to talk about myself, but I got the impression that they didn’t remember it’s almost my birthday… I suppose their lives are going through very important changes and they have no time to remember. I suppose my birthday is too menial to compare it with a wedding or a new child… But it still makes me feel miserable. I never forgot theirs.

My ex has been ignoring me for more than a month. He would never forget my birthday… but I bet he will ignore it this year. Even when he was the one who pleaded me for friendship when we broke up. I promised to try and we were getting to a nice equilibrium… and suddenly he disappears… I still miss him sometimes. And I suppose I need him to remember it… to make me feel a bit special…

I have been after someone recently… An old flame I got in touch with after many years… I expected some enthusiam but when I stopped contacting him comunication stopped. He has been 3 months without ringing me back.

I did ring him for his birthday. I’m sure he doesn’t even know when mine is. That’s how important I’m for him after knowing each other for 18 years. And I’m terrified of corroborate it. To wait for his call all day when he won’t ring. Simply because he doesn’t even know.

It’s sad because I have been saying at work that my birthday is on Monday for weeks, just passing the comment a few times… to make sure that someone will remember it and say happy birthday… even when that won’t have any merit or value after having said it so many times already. I suppose that’s what I may be doing right now with all of you…

Weird… Because every happy birthday will be painful. A reminder of the missing ones.

posted September 16, 2005 08:17 PM         

The first birthday after the break-up of a significant relationship is often just a glaring reminder that you BROKE UP. That's a birthday to forget. Mine was on Aug 7th, and me and my Virgo split at the end of June. His birthday was Sept 7th, but I at least emailed him to wish him a happy birthday. I hope EVERYBODY ELSE forgot. I hope I was the only one who wished him a happy birthday. heh heh I know that's kind of evil.

posted September 17, 2005 06:32 AM         

Sorry to hear about this.....but guess what......

It is gonna change soon.......

Do I have permission to go in and take a look at your photo and send you some "Irish Magic"

????

posted September 17, 2005 07:53 AM         

It will change.

posted September 17, 2005 11:31 AM         

I really feel touched… You just made me cry… I’m trembling right now, like a kiddie… It’s a strange feeling of vulnerability and happiness… the kind of feeling you get when you love someone so much that you could explode, when you open your heart still trembling of joy, flicking like a candle flame…

Lioneye, you are so right. I suppose they are not my mummy and it’s a bit unfair to expect them to behave that way. When you have a partner, he plays that role of making you feel extra special in important dates. It’s not their fault if I don’t have one. But I try to make an extra effort with people without a partner… because friends usually take the first place in their lives, because they also tend to give you more…

Yes, I suppose, after 10 months, now for the fist time I’m taking conscience that we broke up. Because now it’s when he used to be there and it’s not anymore. His absence is real now… this is not a holiday, we are not physically apart temporarily… It’s over forever. He is gone and I have nobody left. I’m left on my own now. That’s why he didn’t sent a little parcel like he used to do. That’s why he hasn’t e-mailed me in more than a month. Because he’s not there for me anymore.

It’s not kind of evil. I know exactly how you feel. I completely relate. My ex’s is at the end of October and I’m still trying to figure out what to do.

Thanks, Taurus, I also think you are a lovely girl… Always so sweet and supportive. Of course you want to hear from them… Otherwise you think that they already forgot you, that you made no impact on them, that’s them who don’t want to hear from you and just avoid you, that they don’t miss you… while you are missing them.

Hello, my beloved Fayte…Thanks so much for posting to wish me happy birthday in Soul Unions and Free for All. I desperately needed something like that. To feel less alone. Sometimes I feel that if I hadn’t been born or if suddenly disappeared, it wouldn’t make a difference, it wouldn’t really affect anyone. Thank you for your gratitude, it’s nice to know that people appreciate what you do, that your energy has been put into something that is valued. I’m glad I could offer you and your sweet Steve something.

Acoustic, I suppose that must have been hard for you when you where a child… My dad’s birthday is the 6th Jan, the Three Wise Men day, when kids get their presents here in Spain (instead of on Christmas day). And we always make the effort of giving him extra presents… Even now, when he is gonna be 60, he moans about losing protagonism… I once being abroad, I bought a special share of gifts for him… Double amount and much more expensive than what the others got… And he was stunned… That day he liked all presents even when he usually underestimates and belittles all we give him…

My sweet and wise Sue… Thank you! You think so? Of course you can look at my picture and send me any magic you like. I need all the magic I can get… http://groups.msn.com/LindalandPhotoShop/steelrose.msnw

posted September 18, 2005 10:34 AM         

Today my granny came to visit and when she saw me, she approached and reached for me sying with a loving voice “How old are you going to be tomorrow, sweetheart?”. That caught me unwarded. I kind of feel safe today, I’ll grit my teeth tomorrow… I cringed… Something hurt so deep that couldn’t breath… And I turned my face to avoid her contact. I had to restrain my tears. My mom realised that something wasn’t right, she sensed it but said nothing. I felt so guilty... my poor granny didn't mean to hurt me... but I couldn't help my reaction...

I tried to follow your advice. I went out with the girls last night to celebrate. It was fine while it was just a night out… but then they gave me some presents… and I stopped enjoying… I didn’t want that protagonism.

posted September 19, 2005 10:18 AM         

This is one country I am dying to visit...I feel a pull there.
May all your dreams and wishes come true steelrose, be happy and inspired...

posted September 19, 2005 06:05 PM         

The Spanish rose, that’s beautiful… Thank you, thank you so much. Don’t worry about e-mailing me much, I know you are a busy lady… I will e-mail you one of these days…

Wonderful happy things in store…You think so? I wish I could believe it… I used to but recently I’ve been progressively losing my faith. I used to have that certainty of going to find my one… but I can’t anymore. I think you are right about future readings in general but in my case I need some kind of rope to hang to. My hope in the future is dangerously running out.

I once was told very revealing things by a palm reader… And until the date, a terrible warning about a man became true, no matter how aware I was and how strongly I tried to avoid it… The second half of his prediction hasn’t happened yet… That other half kept me going until today… My faith in that pulled me out of hell…

But now it’s fading. I’m exhausted. And I can’t see the end of the tunnel.

I trust your good judgement. I’d love you looking into my future and letting me know what you consider I need to know. I need to believe that this wait, all this sacrifice, all these things I had to live lead me somewhere. That were worthy. That my lion is somewhere and there is not just pain and more disppointments in store. I need to believe that there is something, someone, to wait for. To fight for. That I won’t go through life just dreaming that something will happen and won’t.

**************************

posted September 21, 2005 03:44 AM         

if u think u are significant , others will think it too . i am a NO ONE but that doesn't deter me to claim i want to rule the world . when a cancer who doesn't even have complete faith in his own capabilities can claim this , what makes a systematic virgo to feel insignificant ?

as for the b'day , mnf was the first one to wish me b'day , even before my own family did it . so , remember , we are always here .

posted September 21, 2005 06:50 PM         

I also feel something special about you, as if you were a kind of guardian angel to me… We actually may know each other from other lifetimes, it wouldn’t surprise me…

I’m OK with the level of detail… You can leave it here…

I am so intrigued about that man now… Much older? A lonely man? Deeply hurt? That makes me think of someone else, not the one with the letter “V”. Those two have been the greatest loves of my life. None of them is older than me but this second one, looks older than me, has been badly hurt in the past and is lonely, very lonely now. The one with the letter V is poised and reserved but burns inside… he actually could be lonely at the moment but the last thing I knew about him was that he got a girlfriend and was buying a place with her. He’s a Scorp so there the tortured soul, the loneliness, reserved and quiet on the surface…

And then a third man, 14 years older than I’m. My ex. Another Scorp. Lonely and having lost the love of his life, his ex-wife. Holding to a big sorrow. But we wouldn’t be happy together. Too painful. I don’t think you get the loving vibes or the warm and easy feeling from there. I don’t see him wanting any more babies anyway, even less 2 of them.

Anything physical characteristic that strikes you? Could it be someone I don’t know yet?

It fills me with hope and deep happiness to hear about the babies… I always wanted at least a boy… A very accurate palm reader told me about two children but never completely believed it because I never had any happy and stable relationship yet.

I’m 28 now so I still have a few years to come to that vision… but not much!!! Unless I truly keep looking young for long!

Thanks so much!!! I can’t wait for more info!!! And now I’ll follow your advice and go to sleep… You are right. I’m not getting enough sleep. Activity has been frentic and I just came out of a bad cold that gave me headaches and exhaustion… I’m feeling drained, not enough time for myself… I only have 5 hours left before the alarm clock rings and my day starts again… I just ended having dinner 30min ago. I arrived home only an hour and a half ago…

Going to sleep now… Sweet dreams, my beloved friend.