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Author
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Topic: Want Emotional Release but Feedback also welcome
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cappy
Knowflake Posts: 35
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted October 24, 2005 09:28 AM
 
I'm quite scared of getting hurt badly in the near future by this situation. Right now I'm just feeling emotionally heavy about it so any feedback is welcome.
It's about this guy that I met a month and a half ago...a friend of my host family abroad. He's just simply gorgeous and knows it too well. Kind of on the exotic type with dread locks and a tall lean body.
When I first met him I wasnt't too impressed: I'm used to this type and usually stay far away from them. But being that he's very good friend with my host family, he would often be around for one reason or another. We got on well. He was definitely a flirt but I never took him seriously. I never treated him like the hot stuff that he thinks he is, and he mentioned that to me more than once. Said I treated him like his mother and women don't react to him that way. So much so that I became his confident as he chased another foreign exchange student that lived nearby. It was sex with her as with so many other women in his life...I Never gave him much credit because he had all the signs of the bad boy of the neighborhood: drinks too much and smokes too much, including occasional use of drugs. But otherwise he seemed a fine guy going through a tough time: coming out of a four year relationship that seemed to have been so strong to leave him shattered emotionally and financially: They had everything in common, even an non-profit organization and it all went down. Right now, his ex is trying to get him evicted from their apartment. A mess. But I only have his side of the story...
At first I pitied him and offered a willing ear and some financial help: he's teaching me the native language; all without thinkig much of it; I spend a lot of time alone in this foreign country and it was nice to meet some interesting I thought. I had my own sex life going on and had a fling with a friend of his but it didn't work out...wasn't particularly hurt because we live in differnt continent so it was fine.
After the fling, I entered a celibacy of sort and basically was engulfed in my work. I ended up spending a lot of time at home writing and such. But he'd be around and we'd chat and he would always tease me and make sexual jokes and I'd bite back. After his fling with the other foreign student ended and she left, we ended up spending even more time together: they became exclusive blocks of time without me realizing it: we'd have my language lessons, go to movies, or just work side by side at home and I began to know him deeper beyond the bad boy outlook which scares me I have to admit.
Then he began to poke his nose into my private sex life: about the fact that I didn't go out much to meet anyone. He called me cold and unromantic one day. I then told me that it was exactely the contrary; that I am so romantic that I always end up getting hurt. I think this day he got to know a piece of me that I kept hidden from him behind my brash comments and criticism of his lifestyle. Then one day he attacked me and accuse me of being very calculating...I had no idea where that was coming from. Well, I do remember tellin him that when someone hurt me badly I go out for their skin (it was during a conversation about his wife's latest action against him and I asked him what he intended to do)...in any case, I didn't like the comment of me being calculating because he seemed to be pointing to more than my comments about his ex...Maybe he thought that I helped him financially because I had designed on him...But I sure didn't!!! First of all, I'm so out of his league in everyway: I'm average if look is the basis for first attraction. His exs tend to be just beautiful, and tall women. He did show interest in me but I didn't think much of it. He mentioned later in a casual conversation that my response turned him to the other foreign exchange girl.
In any case, when he began poking his nose into my life, he became a bit obssessed with setting me up with someone. Telling me that I needed to have a man in my life, and have sex to release the stress in my life. It was said between friends. Then he told me that he didn't know what to do with me since I didn't seem to like men or women!!! Don't know where he got that idea considering my fling with a friend of his...whom he seemed to be "jealous" of: he'd make comments about the fact that I only seemed to like Italians...so one night, a week and a half ago, as he went on into my life I decided to take his offer and we had sex.
It was great and I had my period that night and he did the sweetest thing: read me a poem in bed about a menstruating moon. but the poem actually was telling a young boy to be careful with women, women like me (he said) without experience, about the way to treat them that you don't just toss them around. he kept telling me that women like me are dangerous.
We woke up the next day and that's when the distance started: suddenly his apartment where I used to come and go as I please became his "private" space and he went on into oblique comments about ex-lovers who try to trap him. I got mad and left after he asks me to stay because it was the middle of the night. But I couldn't take his distance and his coldness. Worse, is that my every action or comment seems to be under a magnifier (he's a photographer and takes upclose shots and that influences the way he looks at people) and I just couldn't take it. I left and told him to stay away from me for the remainder of my time here.
But I overreacted and a day later went to make peace. He accepted calmly and things got back to "normal" with me trying to respect his space.
We had great times together again during the day but he just didn't seem to want to repeat our night. and I didn't want it to be a one night stand that could be put away as if nothing had happened. I think he wanted to keep it as a one night stand cause he keeps telling me that I'm dangerous. But I insisted by sticking around while letting him be and we had sex again--we were watching TV and he just pulled me at him as in "I'm giving up, I'm not going to resist anymore." It was nice and it was better this time, more personal, more like he was with me. When we woke up the next day as I'm looking at him sleeping, he asks me what I wanted from him. The question took me aback. I simply replied that I didn't know. I told him then that he needed to stop being afraid of women making plans to catch him. Not afraid, he said. Just preoccupied because he has a heart of rock and doesn't want to hurt anyone. I just looked at him as in "I'm leaving soon anyway and I have no design on you." He then out of the blue offered to spend the day at the beach. It was great because it seemed like I had gotten my friend back. Careful, I didn't want to monopolize his entire day and after the beach, he had to go take care of some stuff and I said I was going home. He himself said no, stay with me. He seemed more relax and less afraid of me. We ended up hanging out with his friends then went home. By then I had spent 48 hours at his place and it ended up being more cause a friend of his came to visit and we cooked.
By the end of the day after watching a movie I decided it was time to go. I was there too long already and he had made his space issues clear in an obsessive way. two days has passed without me going there to stay overnight. I actually only saw him for less than five minutes to pick up something
But I don't know...my host advises me to let him come to me: both because he's used to women chasing him and so that I get a clear head on all of this because he's in a week spot emotionally though he's a good guy she said.
I will let him be...mostly because I don't want to get hurt. I'm just a bit upset that I'm in this mess in the first place. He lives close by and i have about four more weeks around here. Any advice??
He's aries, aqua moon, libra ascendant if that helps. I'm cap, scorp rising, virgo moon.
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Gemini Nymph
Knowflake Posts: 1086
From:
Registered: Jul 2004
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posted October 24, 2005 10:22 AM
I once had a friend (now deceased...well, murdered actually, but that's another story) who was Aries-Aqua-Sag. I talked a bit about him ont eh Astrology forum. But here's the deal:He was very pushy with women sexually, while being very detached emotionally and intimately. He would sleep with a girl as soon as he could seduce her out of her clothes. He would frequenly ask intrusive questions as part of his secuation game- - and it helped he was very charsimatic and , well, hot. He eventually grew up when he came into my circle of frriends, who pointed out to him that he was actually attracted to intelligent women who were more challenging to him. It was a tough taransistion forr him, but he did it. He did get to apoint where his main interest with women was friendship, but he started out as a typical Aries guy who wanted to be friendly without really being freinds all for the sake of getting laid. SO my advice to you is not to chase him. That might feed his Arian ego a bit too much, and turn his Aqua side off. That means he may just treat you like a potential sex toy as did my Aries-Aqua friend did to many girls before he got a clue. Take your host's advice and make him decide whether you're worth the riska nd the challenge, and let him demonstrate that by coiming to you instead. And if he doesn't get a clue, don't take it personally. Just cast your net elesewhere.  IP: Logged |
sthenri
Moderator Posts: 3675
From: Generic New England City
Registered: May 2003
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posted October 24, 2005 11:06 AM
Very true. Also since he is only experienced with wanting sex with girls he may be frightened of anyone getting to know him. He probably believes his only asset is his body, when he says you're dangerous, he thinks you are not like him, more secure.It's good for him that he knows you, but you have to take care of yourself too. Treat him as a fun guy, go out and do things and if you run into him, be casual. With only four weeks to go you will have to leave him anyway. Natasha
Taurus IP: Logged |
miss_muffet
Knowflake Posts: 374
From:
Registered: Mar 2004
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posted October 24, 2005 01:53 PM
I think I am a bit more cynical...1. He knows exactly what he is doing. He knows exactly how to get you to his bed.
2. His "privacy" thing is just an excuse so that you will not jump in and catch him with another woman.
3. He knows you guys are not going to last so he was just having his fun until you leave. You take care of yourself and try not to get hurt. Think of him as a life lesson... Miss Muffet IP: Logged |
AcousticGod
Knowflake Posts: 3227
From: Pleasanton, CA, USA
Registered: May 2005
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posted October 24, 2005 03:25 PM
Scary stuff there. Aries and Cap, not a good mix in my ever-criticized book. I think that in order to get through this, and get along with him will take pure honesty on both parts. As long as there is secrecy on either side you'll resent one another. It's bad enough you guys will never understand one another, the secrecy only complicates things.IP: Logged |
Isolaede
Knowflake Posts: 126
From: Studio City, CA
Registered: Aug 2005
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posted October 24, 2005 04:39 PM
Hun, I'd stay away. You've been hurt to bad in the past, and I don't want to see you get attached to this guy who so OBVIOIUSLY wants to avoid any form of commitment. It sounds like the only times he's been truly nice to you is when you've recently reassured him that you want nothing from him. This guy sounds very selfish, and dangerous for you.IP: Logged |
geminstone
Knowflake Posts: 512
From: Golden, CO
Registered: Nov 2004
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posted October 24, 2005 05:27 PM
My best guess, is that your host is very wise.... get your own feelings understood and, maybe in doing so.... maybe,.... he will have the experience, of doing the same..... my feelings, when I finished reading your post, is that he has not done so, with regard to any of his contacts with others....? I could be way off though..... Maybe your honesty in response to his fear gave him the reflection he has been playing hide - and - seek with, because he thought that he could disguise it's answers within others... I.E Women. Maybe, in that simple reply of ' I don't know', he has finally given in to the fact that, the question that he gave, for you to answer and, that he had been avoiding by trying to give it away, ' What is it, that is wanted of him?' .... is his to own and, without finding the answer from within self... he has made, only his own walls, taller.... You are only 'dangerous' because you gave him the reason to WANT to know ......... but, I am no expert and, only you know the experience in it's whole.... just some feedback....
I feel that, You, are a very brave and, beautiful Light....
~ geminstone IP: Logged |
Aphrodite
Knowflake Posts: 4340
From:
Registered: Feb 2002
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posted October 24, 2005 06:13 PM
Oh gosh  You have four weeks until you move away? My feedback is to make the best of the time you have left there. Wherever you are . . . take in the scenery, the food, the culture, may be make some new friends . . . Remind yourself what your sense of purpose is, and what you have set out to do and accomplish for yourself ~ reflect and swirl in the bath of introspection. Light some incense and meditate with a candle in your favorite color on a beautiful night away from all distracting things. I would also suggest taking a long warm bath with cleansing elements like sea salts, and essential oils (might I suggest lavender). You are wise to acknowledge in subtle words that he is not all to blame . . . Peace and Light to you. IP: Logged |
cappy
Knowflake Posts: 35
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted October 24, 2005 09:25 PM
Thank you guys for all of your beautiful and supportive feedbacks. they made it possible for me to face him today calmly.
Since we were meeting on a regular basis for my language classes, I was at pain to decide how to be in his presence today.
I have a tendency of being too emotional and it has been usd in the past against me.
After reading your messages, I decided to meet him calmly as if nothing had happened but only for my lesson. I think that put him off a bit and he tried some light flirting to bring me where he wants me. But my mind is made up: I'm going to cut the lessons over some excuse. I realize I can remain calm if I meet with him, even joke lightly. But for my own security, I've decided to keep contact to a minimum before I leave. My host has been so supportive because she knows him very well.
Again thank you. This forum is awesomeIP: Logged |
cappy
Knowflake Posts: 35
From:
Registered: Dec 2004
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posted November 03, 2005 01:15 PM
Just some quick update on my situation and again feedback is welcome.So after keeping my distance from this guy for three straight days, he came over supposedly to ask me why I didn~t come to our lessons. I was out with my host shopping. When i got home he ws there. I treated him calmly as if nothing had happened. Stayed away from him physically. That put him off. He kept coming closer and closer to my private space...
Anyway, That night we went out and spent the night together. Everything changed from that moment. Not that we are walking down the aisle.... He makes it clear that we are not in a committed relationship. The subject was brought up after he asks me why I don~t give him massages or touch him in Public. I replied: well, I~m just maintening my distance because of all of your silly space issues. He sounded sad and witsful. Then he said, no, I just don~t want this to get out of hand...for you to think we~re committed. I then told him that he~s quite arrogant to think that I want to be committed to him...that he has little to offer me.
I was thinking mainly of all of his emotional entanglement with his previous relationship. he thought that I was talking about his financial problems...I let him think so.
Since then anyway, he~s been coming over to my host place regularly...I spend a lot of time at his place as well. I sleep there sometimes without us having sex. ~We are being seen more and more as a couple: cooking together and inviting people. He doesn~t seem to have problems with people associating us together as a couple, if an uncommitted one. At our last get together at his place, he kept playing romantic musics about love and finding the right woman...after a passionate night. He seems happier and calmer.
He~s been opening up to me as well about the real reasons for the breakup of his relationship with his ex. Most people assume he cheated on her...apparently she cheated on him. He told me so. and then one day that he visited my host he repeated the entire story while I was nearby. Maybe he wanted me to know that he was telling me the truth ---I think it is the truth. but who knows...
In any case, people seem to imagine that he has a wilder sexual life than he has...he lets them think so too I guess by arrogance. He~s more like a homebody. I~m enjoying our time together for now... IP: Logged |
salome
Knowflake Posts: 28
From:
Registered: Nov 2005
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posted November 03, 2005 01:20 PM
sorry to be so shallow....but.... quote:
He's just simply gorgeous and knows it too well. Kind of on the exotic type with dread locks and a tall lean body.
yummy..... 
------------------
I don't tell everything about the love I get
I got a lovin' man but he's a spirit
He never does me harm never treats me bad
He never takes away all the love he has
And I'm forgiven ooh a million times
Sinead O'Connor
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