posted January 06, 2006 06:25 PM
I donít know, guys... I need to do something about my life, I know what it is but I donít know how. Iím going nowehereÖ Maybe Iím just going somewhere and I donít know where.
Sometimes I feel as if I had lost hope. And thatís exactly what I shouldnít be doing. I need to learn to love and forgive myself because during all my life Iíve been feeling like a loser, pitying myself. I need to love myself before I can expect to be loved by anyone else. No surprise that my love life is non-existant. Recently I even have trouble to feel any kind of warmth from friends and family. Itís like Iím getting locked inÖ and I donít even care much.
Iím tired. And my Saturn return is already here. I havenít been more out of focus and discouraged in my whole life. My life is just lurching. Purposeless. I simply cannot hold the reins. It feels as if I was playing truant with Saturn but I honestly cannot give more. Iím reaching the limit.
I know the lessons: trust the future, love and forgive myself, accept myself, feel whole and happy, calm my anger towards lifeÖ Relax a bit, stop feeling like a loser, give others the chance to get close and touch my heartÖ But they appear to be impossible to pass.
I canít. Life has been emotionally harsh. Draining. I lost too much blood in the battlefield to end up losing every battle. How the hell am I going to trust winning the war? Why should I respect and love myself? I couldnít win a single battle, I must not be that goodÖ How can I expect to think otherwise?
Something tells me that something will change. That my life is not always going to be this hell, that I have a chance to be happyÖ But Iím starting to even disbelieve my own instinct.
I have tried to unleash my inner power, to channel and unblock my positive energyÖ Iím even taking belly dance lessons, getting sessions of cromotherapyÖ Itís not workingÖ For a while, it was promisingÖ but now Iím starting to feel uncapable of doing it well and a bit demotivated. Iím still emotionally blocked.
Iím feeling so sadÖ Maybe itís that Grand-Square up in the skyÖ My Saturn returnÖ My natal Venus and Saturn are conjunct in the 8th house in Leo.
Any idea of where to start?