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Author Topic:   Confused about what to do
jolie
Knowflake

Posts: 6
From: Belgium
Registered: Jul 2006

posted August 05, 2006 11:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for jolie     Edit/Delete Message
Hello, i'm new here on the board. It's quite a long story.
I met this guy 8 years ago when he came to our office on business trip. We had a very strong first reaction to eachother. For me it was not really a positive one. I felt as if I had known him before which is not possible because he comes from the other side of the world. I felt as if he had hurt me before or that he was going to hurt me very much in the future. We didn't talk to eachother that time. Then a few years later he came to work at our offices and the attraction was still strong but I did everything to avoid him. Until last year I send him a txt message after I was sure by his actions that he was also interested in me. He did not respond to that but when I came back from my holidays he made it clear that the feelings were mutual. Still it took until four months later until we went on a date. He asked me several serious questions about children and marriage. He asked me why I never married and I answered that I would feel trapped if I had done that. He just smiled when I told him that. We kissed passionately before I went home. One week later I asked him to go on a date again and he said that it was not possible because I was too cute for him and that he would loose control if he saw me again. I was devestated. But I had to face him again the next Monday at work. He sits at the desk right across of me. A few weeks later I had to go to the hospital for surgery rather unexpectedly. He didn't know how serious it was and I heard from my colleague that he was very worried and looked quite bad during the 3 weeks that I was not in the office. When I came back he started to pursue me again. After several weeks and a few e-mails sent to eachother we agreed to see eachtother on a Friday. But two days before that it felt as if my feelings were gone. I got really nervous about meeting him again. The thing is he can see from the look in my eyes how I'm feeling about him and he didn't want to meet me because of this. When I saw him again that Monday at work I could sense that he was really hurt. I appologised and we communicated (non verbally, he never replied to my e-mails anymore) until a few weeks later when I felt ready as I was in touch with my feelings for him again but then he refused to see me. I called him quite offended at work and told him that I wanted to talk to him anyway and that he shouldn't lead me on like this if he wasn't serious about me. He reluctantly agreed to see me and I found out that evening that the reason he dumped me before was because he thought I didn't want to be married to him. He's Asian hence the importance of marriage I think. I was really angry that he just dumped me because of a misunderstanding (I do want to marry him) and because he seemed still interested until I wanted to see him again. After that it has been months on end with me backing off or him backing off whenever we are supposed to meet. The fact that we feel so strongly about eachother doesn't make things easier. We constantly argue at work about the slightest hints of rejection from one another. The thing is he insists that I see him on his terms when he feels ready but when he is ready I always get anxious although I love him dearly but at that moment get really nervous and loose touch with my feelings. I really want to see him and start a relationship whith him because I feel as if he is the love of my life and at the same time it freaks me out. We don't have much time left since at the end of this year he will go back to his home country. Does anyone know how to get passed this anxiety ? By the way he is a capricorn and I'm a pisces.

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Venus De Milo
Knowflake

Posts: 190
From: USA
Registered: Jan 2006

posted August 06, 2006 10:48 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Venus De Milo     Edit/Delete Message
Finally... some perspective on the "fear of commitment" from someone who is suffering from it!

I think the solution to your problem is very simple. If you want to be with this man, you need to push past your fears and anxieties and let him know how you feel and how important he is to you.

how will you ever forgive yourself for letting the love of your life slip out of your reach and to the other side of the world, just because you let your anxieties get the better of you?

Believe it or not, I was in your shoes once. When I first met my ex-husband, I couldn't say I love you. One day he sat me down and told me he loved me and asked me to please say it back to him.

The fear paralyzed me! It felt like ice coursing through my chest. I couldn't breath, I felt like I might hyperventilate and cry all at the same time. But he was so patient and kind and told me he knew how I felt and that he just wanted to hear it... so I slowly stammered that I loved him too... it was SO HARD to say it. I truly felt it, but saying it was another matter entirely.

So... I know a little about the anxiety you face, but without facing your fears, you will live a passionless, loveless life.

You really need to decide if you really want to be with this man and if so, you need to take the steps to let him know how you feel and that you indeed do love him and want to marry him one day.

There isn't a way around what must be said and done if you really love him.

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sthenri
Moderator

Posts: 4225
From: Generic New England City
Registered: May 2003

posted August 07, 2006 07:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sthenri     Edit/Delete Message
Well said, plus if you are always waiting for the other person to commit you miss out on feeling like a significant part of a relationship. The one who commits can is the most free to enjoy everything that happens.

As said, work past your fears.

Natasha

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Peri
Knowflake

Posts: 1429
From: Kyiv, Ukraine
Registered: Dec 2003

posted August 07, 2006 09:03 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Peri     Edit/Delete Message
Well said, Venus!

Good luck to you and your man, Jolie!

------------------
Where there is feeling, Life itself is right behind.
Carol Willis

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jolie
Knowflake

Posts: 6
From: Belgium
Registered: Jul 2006

posted August 07, 2006 12:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for jolie     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks very much for the feedback.

I must say though that he hasn't made it very easy for me either. He wants me to overcome my fears first before he is willing to date me.

Maybe someone could look at our synastry :
me : 22 Feb 1970, Beveren, Belgium at 8.15
him : 24 Dec 1966 Tokyo, I don't know his birthtime.

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sthenri
Moderator

Posts: 4225
From: Generic New England City
Registered: May 2003

posted August 08, 2006 07:25 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for sthenri     Edit/Delete Message
Jolie, do you want easy? That's not a relationship, that's dating.

He's making it obvious he's not interested in just dating. Why ignore that and do a reading if you are ignoring what he wants? If a guy told you he wanted to live in a certain country and you ignored him so he could change his mind, is that realistic?

Natasha

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jolie
Knowflake

Posts: 6
From: Belgium
Registered: Jul 2006

posted August 08, 2006 02:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for jolie     Edit/Delete Message
In my opinion you have to date first before you get married. He wants a commitment before we even date and before I can get the chance to know him better. I think it's the other way around here.

I'm just really nervous because he's hurt me before and because my life would be put upside down (meaning leaving everybody and everything behind). I want to do it but he cannot accept the fact that I need more trust before I can loose this anxiety. And I think the only way is to talk and to see eachother out of the office.

That's why I asked to look at our synastry.

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jolie
Knowflake

Posts: 6
From: Belgium
Registered: Jul 2006

posted August 08, 2006 02:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for jolie     Edit/Delete Message
Another thing is that what he sees in my eyes is love energy that I feel for him right from my heart. He wants to see this every time I look at him or he feels rejected. I don't know but if you face someone 8 hours per day, I don't think this is possible to do this all the time.

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Peri
Knowflake

Posts: 1429
From: Kyiv, Ukraine
Registered: Dec 2003

posted August 08, 2006 04:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Peri     Edit/Delete Message
For a synastry reading try this website:
http://grupovenus.com/main.htm

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