posted August 27, 2006 12:29 AM         

I've decided recently, that In order for me to succeed in my life, I'm gonna have to hold stuff back from certain people. But here the issue lies, I open up to the wrong people, and hold back from the ones who really care. Bad judgement I guess.

I trully for the first time get a clean slate, in every aspect but Emotionally, I can't help but think that I potentially failed at yet another relationship. That I may even further be a failure as a father. It's depressing to think about. Of course i Only think about it when I'm alone, so i've been trying to surround myself with new people, and My family to cover the Pain. It only postpones it. I guess it doesn't help much that I still have to be in Contact with my EX because of our daughter. Everytime I talk to her I can't help but think about How bad I may have F-uped. But what am I supposed to do? Sit around and beat myself up for it, or attempt to move on? It's frustrating.

Just thought I'd share, venting you know, comments are welcome.

Donald

posted August 27, 2006 03:54 AM         

" Every problem has a gift for You in it's hands." ~Richard Bach

Love to You, Donald

posted August 27, 2006 04:52 AM         

Donald,
there is so much sincerity in your post, and geminstone covered most of how it made me feel.
I wish you love...

posted August 27, 2006 05:13 AM         

On opening up...

I've generally been a closed book to most people, as I've stated it seems like it was the wrong ones. Alisa is the exception, but i was still somehow distant in our relationship. It's usually that way until i find my "comfort zone". It's hard for me to throw my heart, my mind, my soul on a cutting board. As i assume it is for most people. I'll never be satisfied if I continually deny myself the need to "release". It continues the vicious cycle that's been recurring throughout my life.

Just to share a little, I was sitting here, thinking and decided to write, I didn't get much from it but here's what I got so far.

Love
A spawn of vast abberations
A truth with many Consequences
A light that gleams splendidly
A sensation that grows and fades with time

I edited to add this one:

Waiting, always waiting for something
Time moves, and here I Stand
Waiting, for you to extend your hand

You walk towards me efficaciously
I stand in awe, of your undaunting determination
You stare straight ahead eyes immersed on your destination

As you advance, I catch your glimpse
You smile with the Light of a thousand candles
Your Blue eyes glisten, like a million Pearls in the sunlight

How I long to grasp your gentle hands, to kiss your soft lips
How I wish to hold your gaze for even Just a Minute
Your esscense nearly floors me, Rose petals and a Hint of strawberries.

You pass me now, and still I stand
Contemplating what I've witnessed
A miracle in the flesh, that leaves me breathless

And still I stand and let you pass me by
But I think I might just stand and wait for you
Till the end of time

Much love to all.
Donald

posted August 27, 2006 07:35 AM         

As I recommend to everyone, imagine your ideal woman and express what you need. Hold FIRM to that belief because that is what you really need. Do not settle for a friend who is not as emotionally engaged in a relationship as you are. When a friend argues with you, say you are looking for a true blue friend. It's a loyalty first world. Your needs do not have to be rational, do not overthink it. What you want is healthy.

Watching your situation, you didn't want to get married yet and it is a non decision that makes you happy. If it's weighing on you then it's not time yet. You can always say I want to wait without breaking it off next time, but the former fiancee was controlling.

To make it easier on yourselves do not call her your ex in your mind or in person, say former friend, or former fiancee..the former will help put things into perspective.

With the fire in your chart, she must have fire too and that means short stormy arguments that pass quickly. People do not always hold grudges.

For what it's worth when you do fall in love and marry there will be arguments. My situation is similar with a high concetration of fire, marriage has to be delayed for true friendship first. All my relationships have been stormy with lots of arguements before the commitment, and I am used to it and weather these storms the way a person gets used to rainy weather. I know it passes.

And don't let your Libra moon grab onto a romantic relationship too easily, friends have a lot to offer.

If possible financially it's a good time to see a therapist for a short time to help you lead your own life again. You can become someone your friends look up to because you "drive your own train", or you can become dependent on love.

posted August 27, 2006 08:39 AM         

Currently, im taking a World Lit class and it's helping see common themes in life. Such as, when we isolate ourselves and look inward in hopes of gaining insight, we are confronted with our 'demons'. Stand strong in your convictions and you will be better for it in the long run. Take comfort in the fact that you aren't alone. Don't look at things as being Fd-up-- life is all about growth and learning. Your daughter was meant to be here, hence the reason you met her mother. Keep your head up!

posted August 27, 2006 10:41 AM         

I commend you on having enough personal insight to follow your heart and do what you need to do for yourself!

I see far too many people staying in relationships for all the wrong reasons and doing no one any good especially the children involved---I have been guilty of this one myself.

After a series of failed relationships with men I made a concious decision a few months ago to remain single because I know that until I know exactly what I want from a relationship I will continue to attract the men I have been, which have been no good for me. I like what Natasha said, get a picture in your mind what you want and hold it there and settle for nothing less! I have also ridded myself of "toxic" individuals on other levels, ie; friends that bring me down.

I think energy has a big part in it. What you put out (conciously or not) you draw to you. Than is why I remain in hiding until I heal myself!

You are doing the right thing. Just follow your heart and you will never be lead in the wrong direction.

Sending peace, love and light

Terri

posted August 27, 2006 10:54 AM         

Love and honesty

posted August 27, 2006 12:03 PM         

I'm more likely to withdraw than release in times of touble. The thought of baring myself on an open forum is a bit too much for me. I think personally, I like to have the reassurance that I haven't distracted myself by other views and truly listened to my own voice. But I have to watch for isolating myself too much. I realize that it's because I fear having faith in people or getting hurt or disappointed again. (working on that).

As for opening to the wrong people, maybe try to 'honor the honorable'. People who would return what you give in the same caring and empathetic ways. Be alert for your own intuitions about people and their agendas/intentions. Things aren't always what they appear, unfortionately. But if you pay attention to your own feelings about people more, you'll get a better view.
Maybe think about the ways that you avoid intimacy by shunning honest, caring people in favor of ones who might reject you? Subconsciously the rejection would keep you safe from having to deal with intimacy. And maybe that's timely as well, because it's something you're not ready for and intuitively you know you aren't just yet. Maybe all of it is natural and you are just where you are meant to be?
Give yourself time. Be gentle with yourself.
Glad to see you at least opening and sharing here. I love your poems.

posted August 27, 2006 12:05 PM         

Hippichick-"I think energy has a big part in it. What you put out (conciously or not) you draw to you."
This a very true and valid for everyone.

Sthenri- I can't get past the Libra Moon thing, that seems to be my "Catch 22". It's very hard for me not to have some sort of romantic interest with someone I get to know very well. The more i get to know about them, the more I like. Then Intensity grows, I start doing little gestures to grasp thier attention, and them wham seriousness. Then it usually gets ugly after the Intensity wears off that is. While i was thinking about it I must have some sort of Karmic Connection with fire Signs...

My first Girlfriend, My first Daughters Mother, we have no connection what-so-ever atleast not anymore. (Aries)

My first Serious Relationship, I got wrapped up in the Intensity, and realized soon I didn't even like the girl very much, It went on for 8 Months like that. Aug 22 (Leo/Virgo)

Both of my best friends (males) Friends for 10 years (Leo), 5 Years (Sag). I no longer talk to either one of them.

My first former Fiancee, She was an emotional mess, I was an emotional mess, We stuck it out for 1.5 years. I had to end it because I thought about killing myself over it, it was bad, really bad. July 21 (Cancer/Leo)

I dated Two beatiful Virgo's In Between, They were an experience I could never forget, but we lost interest in each other quickly.

Before this Engagement, One lonely Saggie, I was lonely, it all fit well, until I saw her Emotional side, She actualy Tried to Beat me up numerous times, I'm glad I cut that Tie. (Sag)

Then Alisa Came along, I'd Known her for about 5 years prior, she was a friend of my first fiance, and had helped me through tons of things. I "thought" that she'd finally be the one to settle me down, cool my jets so to speak. I had a beautiful Daughter with her last year, (9/5). I asked her to marry me. The rest is history. (Sag)

And just to top it off, 2 very close aquaitances that i've had. Both Leo's (7/28), (8/2). And How could I forget Dave, he's been a close friend of our family since he was about 8, he's very reliable, somewhat perverted, but all around a good guy. (Aries)

Just so you don't think I'm downing any of you fire signs, I'm just pointing out the understanding that I'm bound to them in some way, shape, and form. The strangest thing about it is that all of them except my first "serious" Relationship (She's in carolina i belive) I run into during cycles of my life. I could probably Hibernate for like 2 years come out and still run into them somewhere. It's very strange, and it always happens when I'm both inbetween relationships, and jobs. I'm due to run Into My 5 year best friend soon, I can feel it and was thinking about it last week. I ran Into his sister (7/28 Leo) on her birthday in all places the Casino at 10 am on a friday morning. A place I wasn't supposed to be, but was talked into by my scorpionic worklead. So I went, and I run into her there, at 10 in the morning on the first day she's even eligible to be there. I didn't even know her birthday until that day either. Another odd installment It was my worklead's g/f birthday too.

Anyway, I've enough confidence in myself to carry on my life with both pride and dignity. I'm been depressed like this before, worse actually. And through undaunting courage, and the two little women that trully own my heart I will push on.

Love and Light
Donald

posted August 27, 2006 12:31 PM         

I'm Sun Sag, Leo Moon, Venus Libra and Mars Capricorn.
What's your Mercury? Mines Scorpio.

posted August 27, 2006 12:37 PM         

And I look to be more intiutive of my own feelings, as well as everyone elses. Hence the Poems, I haven't written anything I'd consider signifigant since high school about 10 years ago. No journal or nothing.

posted August 27, 2006 01:32 PM         

Well,from your poem,it seems as if you've never put your pen down. Goes to show, it's a dormant talent that never goes away.
Good for you. Surely writing your feelings and thoughts down will help you a lot. And I could tell just what you've written here, that you are being intuitive.

posted August 27, 2006 01:45 PM         

Financially- Burden/Blessing I have problems with day to day finances, but when something comes up, I something tends to find a way for me to pay for it. Extra work, in this case an inheritance.

Emotionally- Blessing Maybe it's coupled with the Moon in libra, but i'm able to take the time to balance the good and bad in my life and make a descision based on both the good and bad things I feel.

Mentally- Challenging, I've been told by so many that I don't show my true potential, that I don't give 110 all the time. So I have what i call bouts of genius. When some days I have all the answers, some days None. Then there are the days In between when I can't decided what the hell to do.

Overly I can't see how the Postive aspects of jupiter, reflecting the Negative aspects of saturn, and vice versa can be a terribly bad thing.

posted August 28, 2006 01:43 PM         

Reading (with much empathy), your situation makes me think of one of my favorite quotes.

"In letting you go... I'm lovin myself"

Good luck to you

posted August 29, 2006 06:31 PM         

I agree, you will and the Fire signs will be innertwined forever- but that isn't all bad. Sometimes it lies in their charts. I have a Virgo rising conjunct Pluto in the 1st house. Almost everyone significant to me has had a strong Virgo placement. My ex hubby was a Virgo, my ex fiance was a Taurus with a Virgo moon and my Leo husband has Venus in Virgo conjunct his Ascendant in the 1st house. LOL.... So much Virgo.

I also would be interested to know what sign your Uranus is in (sorry.. that word ALWAYS makes me laugh- goofball Archer over here LOL). With flashes of genius and not feeling like you are living up to potential we often see Uranus Singletons or the famous Uranus-Mercury square. (I have that as well... My Uranus in Libra opposes my Aries moon and both square my Mercury in Capricorn).

There is a solution - find something you love and use that special gift we all have to master it. For me, I have a photographic memory and I almost always memorize conversations verbatim. Sometimes I get tongue tied.. but it if I take a second, I can actually relay what I am thinking verbally

Relationships are tricky- but no one likes being tricked into a friendship only to find out the person was guaging how you would be in a relationship. LOL (that is so Cappy... test drive the car - then buy it LMAO.. my dad is a Cappy he's a hoot).

I hope all is working out better for you these days.

Take care,

~Pidaua

posted August 29, 2006 11:55 PM         

Hope I didn't sound presumptuous when I wrote of the intimacy thing. I see that a lot, and maybe because I see it in myself too. I was realizing lately how I've turned down and avoided every man who has asked me out since I left my husband. One in particular has been very persistant. And also very kind and patient. But instead, I think I'm choosing more impossible connections...maybe because I feel more safe.
If that makes any sense.

So, how's it going lately? How has your ex responded to you? As a Sagittarian woman myself, after hurt and anger cools down a bit, the thing I hope for more than anything is understanding. But of course we're all different, and I wouldn't really consider myself a typical Sag. I've got lots of earth and watery stuff going on too.

posted August 30, 2006 11:46 PM         

When she called later I told that I went home and cried for a half hour, and she started to comfort me. Even during the time I was depressing her she continuously tried to make me laugh about things, to keep my mind off of it. It worked, and didn't at the same time. I respect her so much for trying. Most people i've known would either try to get me to discuss it, or tell me to shut the hell up. It was great to hear her voice too, I was considering that maybe after that negative spiel, I might have scared her away. But she did exactly what she told me she would do, called around the time she said she'd call. She's becoming a true friend, and that's something I need in my life right now.

My Former fiance, She's being cold as expected, she keeps reminding that this was my choice when i call her and tell her that I think I'm stupid for what I did. I understand her pain, and it's hard for me to get over her too. It's hard when I have to see her. Because I do really love her, but things with us just don't flow well at all. Sometimes I think the only way to get over it is to not talk to her at all, but i can't because I worry about her, what's she's feeling, how she's doing, plus I want to know how my daughter is too. In some sad way I'm kind of hoping that she'll find someone to occupy her time that way i'll be forced to deal with it.

Love, Light, and Peace to you.
Donald

posted August 31, 2006 11:49 PM         

Is your "Leo Friend" the other woman you've written of? If so, I think it's wonderful that you consider her a friend and place such importance on that. Yes, it is so important that you have a good friend to comfort you and accept you in your good times and bad right now. It will take time to heal and rebirth and the ones who would stick with you through it,without expectations (with patience instead) but with understanding are the ones to keep.

You care how your ex is doing and feeling?
That goes to show what a good-hearted person you must be. She needs gentleness and time to heal just as you do. Hopefully in time you'll both look back on things and forget blame, remember the care that had once brought you together, accept that it was just what had to be and not either of your fault...and be able to be good friends who are good parents together.

My final divorce hearing is in a couple of weeks (once again--it was prolonged). I think my ex and I both realize we will always care for one another. We've tried to keep our differences and hurt seperate from parenting and tried to focus on what's best for the children. I keep him updated on them and we communicate ok for their sake.
It was difficult at first and took some time. And periodically it relapses and I have to remind him of things and soothe all his fears, etc. Long story...but anyway, with some patience, I'm sure things will get better for all involved in time.
Keep open for new experiences.
So much adventure is waiting for you.
It could be so beautiful yet*.