posted September 15, 2006 04:35 PM         

(Assuming this is a love connection, and not one of convenience)

1. Is it lack of love? If love can vanish, could it be true love in the first place? Or is it both parties were in love with the outer qualities of each other.

2. Do people they've been with stay in their minds forever? If so, how is it possible to move on?

3. What actually cause people to breakup with each other? It usually seems to be a hush-hush topic that no-one knows the real reason to, sometimes not even by the couple themselves. They might say 'we just grew apart'.. is it due to lack of communication or compatibility?

4. If love is a 2-way process, if one party still loves the other, how could the other actually not be swayed back to their partner?

Any comments would be welcome.

posted September 15, 2006 05:58 PM         

Though there are too many variables.

1. Is it lack of love? If love can vanish, could it be true love in the first place? Or is it both parties were in love with the outer qualities of each other.
I don't think love vanishes it simply erodes, or if you're lucky it can grow.

2. Do people they've been with stay in their minds forever? If so, how is it possible to move on?
Yes, it's possible to move on, as it's our nature change and taxes, the only guarantees in life.

3. What actually cause people to breakup with each other? It usually seems to be a hush-hush topic that no-one knows the real reason to, sometimes not even by the couple themselves. They might say 'we just grew apart'.. is it due to lack of communication or compatibility?
Lots of things cause people to break up, infidelity, abuse, addictions etc, or simply stress....lots of things.

4. If love is a 2-way process, if one party still loves the other, how could the other actually not be swayed back to their partner?
They could if the love is genuine, however, going around threatening people, and still calling me my wife after being divorced for over ten years is NOT love, it's stalking.---Note, the above comment to the last question is about my idiot ex-husband.

posted September 16, 2006 03:47 AM         

I'm guessing you meant erode to the point of no return, done by misdeeds.

We change our tastes, but does that mean our inner self also changes.

I'm sorry about your ex-husband.
I'm getting he might still be attched to you

posted September 16, 2006 08:16 AM         

I agree with Katipo, love can erode. I think of a relationship being like a plant, it has to be watered and fed regularly. The thing about a relationship is, one person cant nurture it alone. It has to be both of you....and that is one of the reasons love can erode.

You do, of course, move on. I still remember my first love, but I've moved on. I still remember all the males I've had relationships with. Some were good, some were bad. The breakups were all different and for all different reasons.

Love itself is NOT always a "2-way process". I've experienced unrequited love...so have many other people. When two people do come together in love it is a wondrous thing, but it doesnt always work that way.

I'm a Cancer Moon. I'm deeply sensitive and have deep romantic yearnings. I still believe in love, I still believe in relationships...even though they can hurt us so much.

posted September 16, 2006 10:15 AM         

They say opposites attract and it's true people need similarities but I believe some differences are good to challenge you.

posted September 16, 2006 11:56 AM         

I am quite inexperienced. But still would like to share what i went through during my one and only breakup and what I have seen others going through.

>>> Is it lack of love? If love can vanish, could it be true love in the first place? Or is it both parties were in love with the outer qualities of each other.

It might be a lack of love on the side of one or both. Regarding 'true love', i am not sure if it exists....may be you can only tell whn you are through. In my case, I saw only the idealistic and emotional nature of my boyfriend, and felt tht we had a a very similar way of relating to things. However, with time, and in our case time 'away' from each other (it became a distance relationship), mostly his attitudes and priorities changed. And i did the clinging act. He freaked out. End of story.

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2. Do people they've been with stay in their minds forever? If so, how is it possible to move on?

3. What actually cause people to breakup with each other? It usually seems to be a hush-hush topic that no-one knows the real reason to, sometimes not even by the couple themselves. They might say 'we just grew apart'.. is it due to lack of communication or compatibility?

4. If love is a 2-way process, if one party still loves the other, how could the other actually not be swayed back to their partner?

--------------------------------
'True love' should be two-way. But acc to proposition 1, you can't tell it beforehand. So i wud like to assume that what i felt for him was mostly the 'emotional dependancy'.

My personal theory about these last three questions
-------------------------

I am talking here abt relationships tht break without any apparent reason (atleast not apparent to one of the parties). Where problems are not discussed (may be bcoz one of the ppl doesnt knw they exist or refuses to see them, and the other doesnt bring them up) I am not talking abt couples who fight so much tht in the end they decide its not worth it.

When things change between a couple over time, or due to other reasons, most of the times one of the person's sees it before the other. This person is the one who begins to withdraw from the relationship, and stops putting in their 100%. (this might entail cheating...but not necessarily). He/she may or may not flash warning signs. It doesn't matter. The other person might be so comfortably settled that they wud fail to notice them.

So anyways, one day the 'inactive' person in the relationship decides to break-off. And the other person feels like the carpet is pulled from under their feet. Then comes the emotional stages of denial (its not possible...how can it be...we were in love! We are made for each other), accusations (is there someone else in your life? why are you doing this to me?), clinging (please dont do this, i love you, i cant live without you!), compromise (we'll work it out darling, its not anything serious, it happens to everyone), and also shame (what will people think....how can i tell? tht it happened to me?!). This can go one for quite long. I was in denial for almost an year.

By this time it is apparent to everyone except you that the relationship is over. (I am assuming you are the one who got the carpet pulled from under their feet). So the person packs their bag and leaves. What now? Well, the denial can go on ( we were made for each other) you curse God (why did i have to meet him? why did u have to take him away from me? why? why? why? ), depression, loss of faith, loss of confidence (am i not worthy of being loved....why does it always happen to me?), loss of trust (i will never love anyone else again...it hurts too much. i cant go thru it again).

This is the phase when you are most vulnerable. You need extended periods of introspection as well as support from friends and family. This is also the time when you can get into 'rebound' relationships....where you go for the first person who shows the slightest signs of being interested. You are just so desperate to fill tht gap left in your life. You can become needy for love due to feelings of low self esteem.

It takes a lot of courage and mental stamina to come out of this phase without becoming scarred for life. I strongly recommend not getting into ANY relationships in this period, otherwise you can start a chain of failed relationships.

Well, if you are able to make it through this test, (and it requires a LOT of help and support, believe me), there comes a day when you wake up and realize that you are all right. You dont need anyone (read a relnship) in your life to feel complete. You are happy. You still believe in the basic goodness of people. This is the growth phase. Now is the time to go out and start meeting new people, but still be very careful not to 'start looking'. Just start looking up, not loking for. You rebuild your confidence, your faith, your trust....all that you lost. And believe me, you become stronger, and wiser. You get in touch with the truly beautiful and lovable person you are.

Finally, the 4th phase. Where you are ready to go out into the world again, a better and stronger person. And then comes a day, when you thank your lucky stars it didnt work out with your ex. You see all that was wrong with the relnship, and also all tht was right. You get te answers to all the 'why's' you were looking for in phase 2. You realize just how much you learnt from the experience, and exactly why it was important for you to go through it.

Well, this is my own theory and experience. Every relationship is different, and so is every person. Different people have different ways to handle these things.

posted September 16, 2006 07:04 PM         

Cool! Yes I meant what starflower says here ---The thing about a relationship is, one person cant nurture it alone. It has to be both of you.... Erosion happens over time, I don't think LOVE can VANISH, instantly.

These are really BIG questions, and my answers seem somewhat flippant today, especially the silly reference to my -ex.

posted September 19, 2006 08:50 PM         

I hope that was not painful because you are going through one....I'm really sorry if tht's the case. The questions you asked made me feel that you are/were going through one....and took me back to the time that I went through such tumultous emotions.

I am telling you from my own experience, that once you are over him there is no going back. If my ex comes back today and tells me he loves me, it wont make one bit of a difference to me. because now i see that it wud never hv worked out. we were just not meant to be.

I know its very hard and painful, and giving advice is so much easier that implementing it, but the sooner you stop thinking about a reconciliation, the faster you will be able to come out of it. I was in denial for a year, and now i wish i had accepted the truth sooner. I dont mean to discourage you, or stop you from trying to salvage the relnship, but set a time limit. If it doesnt work out by then, then its wiser to let go....

And believe me, fine you will be. One day you will look back at this day and be able to see it objectively without feeling the pain.

Lastly, lots of hugs...