posted September 22, 2006 10:03 PM         

He was in the same room but couldn't even come and say hello. Admittedly I didn't either but he was with his mates and I was with his sister for christ's sake! How hard would it have been?

Anyway, earlier in the night I had a spectacular looking, sweetheart cancer guy ask me out- several times actually. He is the best mate of my best mate's husband. They were both trying to push us together although he is even younger than my pisces boy.

Cancer boy is wise beyond his years actually, his best mate confides in him and he's 14 years older than him!

He came to the pub with my friend and I and was the perfect gentleman all night, and I'll admit it was nice to be doted on! Especially by a gorgeous young man.

I drank way too much which I haven't done for a long time, everyone in the place did actually. It was just one of those nights. A guy I know (I'm thinking leo or sag- definately fire) tried to fight cancer boy for some bizarre reason, wanted him to 'step outside' LOL I didn't think people actually said that! But cancer boy declined graciously and my best mate made me get him out of sight of fire-guy who was seriously being a wanker. My opinion of him has sunk way way down.

We sat apart from everyone and apparently we were all touchy feely (best mate told me this just now) and we all went back to my friends house for a while.

But I left there and went home with cancer guy. I really don't need to say anymore about that do I?

I dropped my phone and my wallet as we left and sure enough when I found it today there were text messages from pisces boy and a few voice mail messages as well.

He must've been in a panic I'd replaced him because he thought I was ignoring him and his voice mail begged me to call him as soon as I got the message.

Its the strangest thing I feel like I've cheated on pisces boy, although we have both said we're free to see other people even though we've also said neither of us want to. This weekend I had planned to sort things out with him and decide whether we were going to pursue something more or call it quits altogether.

Me being me and pisces boy being so like me its not funny, we ignore each other and get our feelings hurt. Its happened before but theres never been another person in the equation.

I've always been attracted to cancer guy because he is very sweet and utterly gorgeous but being with him made me realise that there is so much more to the whole thing than being mutually attracted to someone and good sex.

I've thought it before, but denied it to myself many times.
I'm in love with him.
It doesn't matter what his feelings are for me, I still feel like I've cheated myself.

My best friend found my phone and saw all the messages from pisces boy. She didn't read them but asked me what he wanted and I told her he thought I was ignoring him. She said he's probably decided he's in love with me and wants a relationship.

This woman does not say anything lightly (scorpio lol) and has been kinda disapproving about the whole me-pisces boy thing. Her saying that made me cry. I didn't cry in front of her but I cried the whole way home in my car.

I think I've killed any chance pisces boy and I may have had. It was so nice talking to his sister and his mum is nice too. His mum and I are in the same line of work. I like that his family is so close, I didn't see his dad there though.

I want to text him to say 'I wasn't ignoring you I lost my phone' but that seems wrong to me for some reason. I don't want him to think I just have him on stand-by or whatever.

I ache to reach out to him, I feel disgusted with myself although I know I shouldn't, I did nothing wrong. It was an enormous mistake but it truly made me realise just how much I care for him. I just hope he can forgive me (theres nothing to forgive really!) because I doubt I'll forgive myself.

Him being him will assume I'm not interested in him when the complete opposite is true.

posted September 22, 2006 10:08 PM         

quote:

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I ache to reach out to him

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posted September 22, 2006 10:15 PM         

I know you're right though I just don't know how to go about it.

posted September 23, 2006 05:46 AM         

I sent it 8 hours ago and still no reply. I'm worried.

A friend asked me why I hooked up with cancer-guy in the first place. I had to think about it and came to the conclusion that he was there and was treating me the way I wished pisces-boy would (Not to mention he is seriously spunky).

I guess maybe I thought my feelings for pisces boy were just a crush based on physical passion and I'd have them for cancer-guy too except it'd be easier cos he was asking me out and actually openly pursuing me. I feel guilty I kinda used him although I didn't think I was at the time, I've always been attracted to him.

Its weird but this situation has made me realise pisces-boy probably does have feelings for me too because I feel like crap I used cancer-guy who liked me. And that was just one night, he couldn't do that for 8 months.

posted September 23, 2006 05:47 PM         

Seems he is in love with you too. Call him or better talk to him in person.

Tell him what you posted here.

Something like...[Name], please listen to me very attentively cozz this is something very difficult for me to say...and very important...I wanted to tell you this earlier but I was too insecure (don't be afraid to let him know that you are as vulnerable as he is)...we have both said we're free to see other people even though we've also said neither of us want to...and I still don't... what happened is a misunderstanding and yet I still feel guilty...not for whatve done but for both of us having got in this stupid situation when we ignore each other and get our feelings hurt. Maybe what I feel is not guilt but fear..that we might let this ruin what we have...I did nothing wrong though it feels like it was an enormous mistake at but it truly made me realise just how much I care for YOU...

posted September 23, 2006 06:04 PM         

And I do think its fear not guilt thats making me feel so awful- maybe a bit of guilt too cos of cancer-guy. I knew I really liked him but now I know just how much. Hopefully its a wakeup call for him. If he doesn't acknowledge he has feelings now there never were any.