posted September 26, 2006 07:35 AM         

I've spent 8 months on a rollercoaster ride of emotions over pisces-boy and wondering whether or not he liked me too and now I really don't know if I care.

Weird!

I'm actually angry with myself because I let him treat me terribly. He only ever rang me drunk and in the middle of the night, usually as a booty call. We'd chat a bit, even when I didn't see him, but only very superficial things really. He doesn't even know my kids names or how old they are.

And along comes cancer-guy who I find it so easy to talk to. He shared so many things with me and I with him, I actually found myself telling him things a lot of my friends don't know.

He treated me the exact way I've always wanted to be treated- by anyone. He did all the right things and was so genuine about it (I know this because my best mate is his best mates husband and they were there).

I never thought someone so perfect would actually ask me out and he did, repeatedly. I thought it was the beer talking cos he doesn't drink usually.

I still feel guilty about being with him and being somewhat aloof the next day, I also still feel like I cheated on pisces-boy. Thats just my personal morals though, I actually did nothing wrong.

I have met Mr Perfects before and not been attracted to them, I kinda thought for a while cancer-guy may have been too good to be true. But he has faults and had a rough childhood, I just appreciate who he is even more because of that.

Pisces-boy has had the easiest life imaginable, in a small town when his very large family is considered royalty. He sometimes acts like a spoilt brat which I used to put down to his age, but cancer-guy is similar age and he's so different.

So I feel completely fickle now.

Maybe I've just rediscovered some self esteem and aren't prepared to let pisces-boy treat me the way he has been. I still like him but so many red flags are popping up that I was ignoring before, I just don't think its worth my sanity cos I don't think I could be truly happy with him.

Cancer-guy on the other hand....

Who knows? I'm happy to have him as a friend right now, I don't want to jump into anything. I don't even know if he's still interested cos I was kinda harsh last time I saw him. Thats where friends come into it, they can feel the water for me, let him know I wasn't being rude I just had a lot going on in my head. He knows about pisces-boy and I, they grew up together so he knows him better than I do.

Will post our birth data as soon as I find out, would be interesting to get some perspective.

posted September 26, 2006 07:50 AM         

And I'm not going to jump into anything with cancer-guy (probably should've gone out with him instead of sleeping with him but sh%* happens, lol).