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Author
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Topic: Fear I've Lost Him...
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CapGirl
Knowflake Posts: 283
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006
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posted October 11, 2006 12:53 PM
 
I don't know where to begin... I've been through a tear-filled weekend, thinking he's purposely trying to hurt me or is lying to test me, then I'm back to the twin souls studies this week. This is the Cap. guy whom I've been off-on with for 2 years now. He's been in touch since I gave him a letter telling him how I felt about him and asking him not to contact me if he didn't feel the same. It took him 3 months but he emailed me. He wouldn't talk on the phone though even though he told me to give him a call. So I then emailed him confused saying that he didn't need to contact or email me and that he's not interested I get it. But he emails me back immediately and we argue/banter back and forth. Well, fast forward a month and half... last week, I emailed him just a friendly word or two and he wants me to call him. We finally are on the phone and I just had to ask about whether he's still living in the same place, and he tells me he moved in w/ this girl last month. I could barely continue the conversation- I was in shock. I couldn't say much after that, but later emailed him that I'm happy for him, and wished him well, saying I'd talk to him in 2007 sometime probably. He may be lying... I don't know. He's known for testing and trying to get reactions out of me. I have to just believe that it's the situation though. I gave off the impression that I wasn't fighting for him or really upset by it, after just 6 months ago I told him I'm in love with him. This relationship has had a hold on me and is everything I've read about twin souls/ twins flames, and at a minimum, soul mates. Just looking for encouraging, inspiring words in general. I can't chase him now... but I am so worried that he's running out of fear and I'm losing him for good. I don't think he is in love with this other woman. He's been in touch with me and trying to be with me off and on over the past year since he started seeing her or "hanging out" with her as a friend. We can just never get it together and our egos and fear are always battling it out. So sad... but something won't let me believe this is over. I went from being destroyed to feeling in hope in perhaps letting him go yet with fear that I'm not saying and showing enough to him. 
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Natural111
Knowflake Posts: 47
From: Los Angeles, CA, USA
Registered: Sep 2006
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posted October 11, 2006 01:22 PM
Capgirl,
I know the feeling too well. I understand the whole situation you just laid out. And this is how I resolved it. There's no better part of him waiting out there for you to love. Believe what he's showing you, now. As Oprah once said, a lesson that she learned was "when people show you themselves, believe it." So, believe what he's telling you now by his actions and nothing more or nothing less. I know. You want that mad passionate affair that may take off into the heavens or crash and burn into hell but you still want to have it, got dang it! And the more he pushes you away the more you want it because he's really not given you the hard indication that you cannot have it (calling 3 months later). BUT HE HAS. The minute he hurt your heart, made you feel that pain, was the hard truth. And maybe your just like me, a masochist. Need to be shaken into the reality of the true pain he's caused. Because if you keep on, I'm afraid it is going to go there. Which isn't bad. But the time it took me to get to the point where I could push him to give me the cold hard truth, basically, SHOW ME YOURSELF TO WHERE I CAN BELIEVE, for him to do that, that took too long, many days, and a minutes and hours and years that I cannot get back. Think about that.
And good luck.
My support is with you. Oh, let me give you some words my little sister so wonderfully gave me, during the time I was going through what you are going through. She said: There was a room full of people and guy had a 20 dollar bill. He raised it up and asked, who wants this twenty dollar bill. Everyone in the room raised their hand. Then he took it crumbled it and folded it into a tiny square, breaking it down, making it lose its form. Then, he asked, who wants this 20 dollar bill? Everyone still raised their hand. So, he dropped it on the ground, smashed it with his boot, spit on it, picked it and asked, who wants this twenty dollar bill, and everyone still raised their hand. The Moral of the story is: The 20 dollar bill can still be unfolded, wiped off and spent. No matter what he did to it, it still retained it's value. And you are valuable. And the she added. Men think they're want someone like me, they're always searching for someone like me, but when they get it, they get scared and don't know what to do with it. It sounds like the same thing is going on there with you. He's got some growing to do, and you've got some living to do. :-) IP: Logged |
Mama Mia
Knowflake Posts: 1343
From:
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 11, 2006 01:29 PM
Hey Capg: Is this the guy that you say is the comittment phobe? I too have experienced the twin soul/flame thing with this certain guy so I know how you feel I mean deep inside I know how you are feeling.. When you get caught up with one of these guys and the connection is so deep to where it feels like a twin soul/flame rather it is or not its a hard situation to deal with. I too have been going back and forth with this guy. And he has been hard to shake I have never not been able to shake a man. But I keep asking my self how long am I going to put up with this its not my fault that he has a fear of true love. I do not want to be one of those ladies that spend 10 years loving a man who seems to not have a clue. So I stop focusing on what we could be together and focus on what we are now.
and that is a mess that is making my life me a mess. It works for him bc this is how he is use to operating he's a erractic Aqua. And a Comittment phobe.. I am more gentle and calm. So I am saying you really have to be concerned about how you feel and what is going to make u happy as an individual or in a relationship with another. Also when your head and heart is not on the same page that is crazy itself. You sometimes have to wait until these two your head and your heart sync up..Atleast a lil bit. Thats how I arrived where I am now. The two are some what in sync..But it won't be until I get them all the way together that I will feel 100% straight.. Its coming though. I have power and I am taking it back and keeping it. I have had enough of this mess.. Quote:
So sad... but something won't let me believe this is over. I went from being destroyed to feeling in hope in perhaps letting him go yet with fear that I'm not saying and showing enough to him. Capg: went through that too. And I decided he should show me more now bc I have shown and done all I can, no matter what he thinks. Be content in knowing that you given this your best and that it will only work if he gives his best back..the scale should not be tipped. If he is indeed a comittment phobe nothing you can do will work for him, he has to get his end together on his own..
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CapGirl
Knowflake Posts: 283
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006
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posted October 11, 2006 01:55 PM
That is helpful, Natural111. It has been most difficult because he doesn't reject me or say no, and he was the one who was first interested in me and came after me, but I was not taking him serious and was also scared of his 'hot pursuit' of me. Now, for the last year, I've been intent on winning him back and getting back what he seemed to be offering, and he has remained elusive and out of reach yet never telling me to go away, forget this.Mama Mia... same here... I have always been able to get a man out of my mind/heart after a reasonable amount of time has passed, even my ex-husband. I think it is the dynamics of their hot pursuit of you in the beginning followed by their "intermittent reinforcement" and them never being able to commit to "no [I don't want you]" either, or so I've read anyway. I was in a good place all last month, thinking I was over this, then October hit with nostalgia of when we met 2 years ago and I am back in this bad place. Never thought it could get worse... yet since hearing that he's supposedly committed himself to another w/ a living together arrangement, that has been the worst blow yet so much so that I can't help but wonder if it was fabricated for effect bc. that news could have been delivered by email instead of a phone call where he was able to get an immediate reaction of some sort. Hearing how others have experienced this same situation and its end result does help alot. IP: Logged |
Mama Mia
Knowflake Posts: 1343
From:
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 11, 2006 02:05 PM
Quote:
It has been most difficult because he doesn't reject me or say no, and he was the one who was first interested in me and came after me, but I was not taking him serious and was also scared of his 'hot pursuit' of me. Now, for the last year, I've been intent on winning him back and getting back what he seemed to be offering, and he has remained elusive and out of reach yet never telling me to go away, forget this.Capg: You have sent out so much info on Comittment phobic stuff surely you know that what yoou described is for sure signs of a comittment phobe... YOur friend maybe living with another woman but I bet you if he is things are very light between them, she has allowed him to come and go as he pleases, he prolly does not feel threaten by his feelings for her it could be financial. From what I understand they only do the back and forth mix message thing if they are frieghten of their own emotions like falling for the lady feeling love ect ect.. You get me.. There is no need to run from a woman you do not feel threaten by. IP: Logged |
CapGirl
Knowflake Posts: 283
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006
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posted October 11, 2006 02:24 PM
Thank you for that, sweetheart. I know that I affect him on several levels which is why it's so hard to accept rejection or defeat but yes, I have read alot about these types, and their fears will win out over anything else when they have these issues. I have called him on his "stuff" (issues), his BS from day 1, and have not been afraid to stand up to him; I see him for who he is, I guess, which likely adds to his fear. I will say that meeting him and this whole experience has tranformed me in a positive way. I have been forced to learn new things about life and myself that I would not have discovered. So, I know on some level he is a soulmate and this is a karmic relationship.
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Peri
Knowflake Posts: 1609
From: Kyiv, Ukraine
Registered: Dec 2003
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posted October 11, 2006 02:37 PM
hey CapGirl,I am sorry to disappoint you but seems he is not testing you, he is telling the truth. He does not sound a good person to me at all.
I had a similar experience with someone. I was madly in love with that guy so was he I knew it, (the only difference is he wasn't committment phobic) He was very controlling and we had our crazy fights from time to time. Every time we were fighting he would tell me about other women he was dating (yet he kept saying that he loved me and was seeing other women because I had hurt him!) I never took his words seriously, I thought he just wanted to hurt me more. As for myself, I was so much in love that I could not even think of anyone/anything else but him...  When we were not fighting he was the most loving and caring person I had ever met.
In the end he proposed to me, I could not make up my mind because we had serious trust issues and yet he never agreed to talk and clear up them before getting committed. So we broke up. He moved in with someone else two months later, 3 months later he got engaged.
Oh, I also found out everything he had told me about other girls was true.
I was devastated.
I am not even curious why he did all this anymore although I know he loved me... hmmm... in his own way. 
Anyway, my advice is FORGET HIM and MOVE ON or he will tear your heart apart.. IP: Logged |
Mama Mia
Knowflake Posts: 1343
From:
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 11, 2006 03:02 PM
Quote:
I have called him on his "stuff" (issues), his BS from day 1, and have not been afraid to stand up to him; I see him for who he is, I guess, which likely adds to his fear.
I will say that meeting him and this whole experience has tranformed me in a positive way. I have been forced to learn new things about life and myself that I would not have discovered. So, I know on some level he is a soulmate and this is a karmic relationship.CapG: this is almost identical to my situation. LOL!! Really it is.. Quote:
Every time we were fighting he would tell me about other women he was dating (yet he kept saying that he loved me and was seeing other women because I had hurt him!) Peri: I know a guy that went through this one female she did him like that all the time. Turned out she was not lying he checked her voice mail and found out all he wanted to know and things he did not want to know...
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CapGirl
Knowflake Posts: 283
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006
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posted October 11, 2006 03:12 PM
Peri... thanks for sharing your experience... I think mine may be similar in the sense that he is controlling and wants a woman that he can control, who won't kick him to the curb when he's a jerk; he doesn't want an equal who might be able to hurt him. That's what I sense quite strongly, and from also knowing that he's a Cap. sun/ Cap. mars, was in the Army for several years... He had tried numerous times to manipulate my emotions so that he could know that he "had me" but I've never given him the reaction he was trying to provoke bc. I knew what he was doing. Foolishly perhaps, I later would email him my feelings, in a controlled manner in a way I felt dignified doing, but that was never good enough to help him overcome his insecurities with me. I know I should be glad that he left me alone bc. I'm not the weak, naive, emotional type he needs to have control over. I hate to view him in a negative, bad way. There are so many ways to look at this whole situation.
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Peri
Knowflake Posts: 1609
From: Kyiv, Ukraine
Registered: Dec 2003
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posted October 11, 2006 03:15 PM
quote:
he is a soulmate and this is a karmic relationship
yep, the same here, he was my soulmate and it was definitely a karmic relationship but unfortunately it never occurred to me that he might have thought otherwise  although he used to say I was one of a kind and he could never replace me and blah blah blah... added* quote:
I hate to view him in a negative, bad way. There are so many ways to look at this whole situation.
well, I know exactly how you feel CapGirl and the only thing I can say: good luck, love and light to you! IP: Logged |
Mama Mia
Knowflake Posts: 1343
From:
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 11, 2006 03:28 PM
quote:
He had tried numerous times to manipulate my emotions so that he could know that he "had me" but I've never given him the reaction he was trying to provoke bc. I knew what he was doing. Foolishly perhaps, I later would email him my feelings, in a controlled manner in a way I felt dignified doing, but that was never good enough to help him overcome his insecurities with me.LOL!!! Capgirl the more you tell the more I laugh at this its just so identical..I handled him the same way.. YOu will begin to see things clear....
Im so happy that I have reached that point.. And when you think about it its not about them it was really about us. Getting our lesson. Allowing our souls to evolve.. IP: Logged |
CapGirl
Knowflake Posts: 283
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006
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posted October 11, 2006 03:35 PM
MamaMia... I've read some of your past threads, but may get confused w/ VenusdeMilo's. Can you give me a link to your story? I'm just curious as to how you've finally managed to rid yourself of the guy, and how it ended? You know how they will show up again just when you've moved on and have given them space and time... The hardest part has been not responding and ignoring when that happens. The most bizarre part of this phone call last week was that he referred to himself as "Satan". He is a goof and can talk nonsense when nervous, but for someone to compare themselves to Satan on any level- joking or not- is sending some kind of message to be heard.
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Mama Mia
Knowflake Posts: 1343
From:
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 11, 2006 04:09 PM
I agree one should never refer to themselves as satan..Uuugghhh!!!Anyway I have so many I will try and find a few for you.. Yes I know that as soon as you begin to pick up the pieces and move on here they come with some stuff. That is how I stayed so caught up. Nope not gone fall for it anymore. I see my ex in the gym once a week well I have not been in a couple weeks but Iam going tonight and he always does something to get my attention, like throw a ball at me then pass it off like it was an accident. OR touch me anything to open me up and pull me back..BUT tonight I will ignore him totally and so on. He will get the message.. IP: Logged |
CapGirl
Knowflake Posts: 283
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006
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posted October 11, 2006 04:26 PM
MamaMia, I did read your "it's off/it's on" thread but am interested to hear more to compare the dynamics. I don't want to stay stuck in this same place but it does help to commiserate a bit. I identified with what you said about magnet-steel in that thread. When he is right there in front of me in the flesh, he is captivated by me even if he's with another person, and I'm the one who is repelled and apathetic, like I'm not sure that I want this. Then, when he's out of sight, out of reach, I'm all over that sh*t! LOL I have read some other books telling me I have my own passive commitment issues which are feeding off his active ones. Also, when he contacts me, most of the time, I am usually not receptive, most often bc. I'm mad and annoyed that it's taken him that long to get back to me.
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Mama Mia
Knowflake Posts: 1343
From:
Registered: Jun 2005
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posted October 11, 2006 04:49 PM
I did not get into the depth of things on the forum so you may not be able to compare alot. Each person is different in handling a situation. I just thouhgt that reading your post and the things that you experience with him is so identical to what I have gone through with my ex Aqua. YOu have to reach a certain point I guess before you can shut it off especially if you get in real deep as we both have. Again I am focusing on the reality of this and that is he cannot give me what I want out of a relationship. He has many fears and insecurities and things won't get better no matter how much I love him. Forget that we can be great together forget that we once were great together. How things are now between us is what I am focusing on. I suffer and I do not want to do that anymore. Does he love me yes I can feel it when I am around him and when we are apart, but that is the one thing that keeps him afraid.. You just have to come to grips that this is not gone work and keep teling yourself that its not gone work. Yes there is something in me that attracted his comittment phobic butt and I have done some deep soul searching and I know too what that is and I am now trying to turn that around. You just have to get fixed on the decision to let it go.. Do you have any Saturn transits going on right now??? IP: Logged |
CapGirl
Knowflake Posts: 283
From: Indianapolis, IN, USA
Registered: Mar 2006
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posted October 11, 2006 05:08 PM
That is a good thought I will carry with me... the reality of what is, and what has BEEN for a long time, which has given me very little to no happiness. Forget the potential and the past "sightings" of any potential. Thanks for talking with me today, MamaMia. It's helped. IP: Logged | |
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