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Author Topic:   arggh! such a complex issue
virgotaurustaurus
Knowflake

Posts: 2331
From: upstate NY, USA
Registered: Oct 2004

posted December 12, 2006 10:04 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for virgotaurustaurus     Edit/Delete Message
So, my ex-boyfriend...I dated him in the spring of this year, we didn't last for long as we were too different and he just seemed horribly insecure in the relationship and heading towards unhappiness, so I broke it off, it was amicable for awhile and THEN it got very verbally hostile (just too many really heated emotions and we were probably both hurting), and I decided it would be best for us both to cut ties since it was going to be summer and we would have distance from each other anyway.

So FF to today. We have a strained, almost nonexistent friendship, despite that we both go to the same college and do see each other on a moderate basis. He's done some things here that have been, well, way less desirable, like cheating and having 3-4 sex buddies at one time who didn't know about each other until recently. While I COULD hate him for it, also it has been spreading like wildfire throughout the campus as I go to a tiny college and he has shown embarrassment, so I feel like the damage on his end has already been done. And he is not completely despicable either. Overall he has treated me with respect EXPECT during that short period of hostility that I'm just as guilty of, and I've seen him respect other girls just as much (because of this I find it a shame he cannot be more faithful to whatever girl he's dating because he really can be a huge sweetheart).

Basically what I'm getting at is, he's expressed here and there that he would like to be friends again. Not ignoring that he may just be attempting to get into my pants, it seems to be really genuine. Recently I decided I was going to be more social and started frequenting a bar I love so much in this town and well, it seems to be his fave as well, so we will be crossing paths a lot more. I notice it's just horribly uncomfortable for us both to be there at the same time as each other. He has tried to start conversation with me, and be generally friendly, but since I'm not expecting it or him to be around I tend to turn a cold shoulder, which is NOT really the response I want to give him. I'm up for being friends still but I'm conveying hostility to him despite that it's really me just being terribly anxious. Plus to me I'm not sure if the bar is really a great place for me to start a conversation about being friends again.

Basically I just want it to be where we can be comfortable being at the same bar. I don't want him to feel like he has to go hide in the corner just because I'm there. The problem is that I have not told him this yet, and he also seems to be afraid of my intensity and afraid if he says more than "hi" and "how are you" he's bound to get backlash from me still, which is not true. But I just don't know where to go from here, I'm not sure what to say to him, if waiting till next time I see him at the bar is the right place, or if I should catch him online or email him (I no longer have his # and can't remember it). I also don't know exactly how to put it into words where it doesn't sound like I'm being forceful either, which is my natural tendency in situations like that.

It probably seems weird that this is on here and it doesn't have much to do with astrology, but I feel like I cannot talk to my real life friends about it because they can't be objective as they are biased against him on the basis of his infidelity and would most likely feel like I'm being completely unreasonable for my wishes. But I also know that astrologically things could be important especially when it comes to directness comfort and communication styles, and despite that he has a lot of Capricorn which makes me THINK he'd like directness, I freak him out.

I don't have his birth time but I do know these for him:
Sun: Capricorn or Sag, his birthday is Dec 22
Moon: almost certain it's Capricorn
Mercury: Sagittarius
Venus: Aquarius
Mars: Aquarius


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Gemini Nymph
Knowflake

Posts: 1524
From:
Registered: Jul 2004

posted December 17, 2006 09:41 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Gemini Nymph     Edit/Delete Message
As an Aqua Mars myself, I gotta say this isn't an easy situation to resolve. Aqua Mars can take a lot time to settle down and get back on an even kell once it's gone into "battle mode" with someone. It's likely he continues to feels threaten by you, threatened by the possiblity of further hostility, and he simply doesn't know how to handle that.

With both Aqua and Cap influences, he'll need a lot of time and space. He'll need you to be consistant with him - neither Cap or Aqua are very good with mixed signals. Whatever you feel toward him at the moment, you'll need to shelve it and project a calm, consistant and detached aura, if you wish for things to get to a more comfortable place. Otherwise, your erratic moods will only continue to trigger his Martian-Aqua defensiveness.

Unfortunately a lot of the weight does fall to you in working this out. That's because it doesn't sound like this guy has a good handle on his own inner workings. You have to be steady, gentle hand here, and show him he doesn't need to be defensive around you. Given you're own earthiness, once his settles down and is less reactive to you, you'll find it quite easy to readjust to a calm, more predictable interaction with him. You should then be able to recognize that a lot of this moodiness you're currently feeling was simply you reacting to his moodiness, and not necessarily about how you really feel towards him.

Good luck!

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