posted March 16, 2007 06:01 AM         

At this time our marriage is on the brink of divorce and I just don't know what to do. I have come along way since our marriage began & I have tried so hard to fix the many things that are wrong with me. But the big one has not budged and it just crashed into my lap like a rock. She gave me an ultimatum "fix it or I'm taking the kid and going back to Chicago!". Basically our biggest problem is intimacy, mostly on my part.

She has not found a job yet and for now she's just staying at home with our son, it's hard on her because she's in a new place with no friends and a screaming baby. I am an up and coming man in my company and I work long hours plus I volunteer during the week helping the local church. So my time at home is very little when I am home I just want to relax which for me is usually a good book or a glass of wine and a favorite record. Usually she does her own thing very rarely do we do anything together during the week. The bulk of our time is during the weekend where we spend our time going out to the many things Indiana has to offer a big city family with no small town experience.

I am not intimate with my wife I never have been with anyone. My father died when I was very young and I was a single child raised by my mother who was always working two jobs just to support us. So I am VERY used to my solitude, I also have very poor social skills. When we sit down to talk about anything other then the normal idle chit chat most people have I freeze up and just stare at an object and escape into my head. I feel like a comedian on stage who knows the audience does not find him funny. I have know idea how to break down this wall and save my marriage and time is running out. I come home and escape into my books or my music and it's just a vicious cycle. I want/need to save my marriage if not for me or my wife than at least for my son. I do not want him to have to go through what I went through.

ANY HELP OR ADVICE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.

posted March 16, 2007 06:58 AM         

Whatever your natal chart says though, I believe you should tell your wife that you love her and that you want to save your marriage! And do whatever it takes to save it, if that's what you both want. At this point I think that marriage counselling/therapy would be a very good idea, as it will help you to understand each other and to work through whatever is going on.

Sending love and light to you, Mr Wolf!

posted March 16, 2007 09:46 AM         

I can't say that I totally understand how u feel but yeah I know wot u r talking abt...
I think that u need to face ur fears...
You have to understand that ur wife feels alienated and lonely and that she feels that she is out there in the big world all by herself...besides, she misses you a lot Im sure...
You know, they say that charity begins at home...I know that I am no one to tell you what to do with your life...but u know u can take one step at a time...i guess that wont freak u out that much...and u wont feel like u r on a stage...
Maybe u can start with talking abt things a little bit at a time...you know, my bf has a problem opening up with me too...and he just turns into a jelly the moment we start to have a heavy conversation...so i know a lil bit abt this...maybe it doesnt have to be a talk all the time either...maybe just some gesture on ur part that shows that u really care abt her and that she is the most important person in ur life at the end of the day and that even though u spend the bulk of ur time in other places, u still need her very very much...

And believe u me, if u do begin to open up to her, the world will seem to be a lot easier place to be in u know...its great to be alone, i understand that...but there r many times when sharing something with someone only enhances the beauty of that moment...and not just that, u will see the happiness on her face if u do open up to her just a lil bit...i think that she must be feeling that u hv become a stranger to her...and including her in ur life is the one thing ur wife really deserves...

Maybe i have come out really strong...but i am going thru some similar problems...my bf is a somewhat inhibited person...though not to such an extent...and he has been acting like a stranger lately...he has distanced himself from me, bcz he is focussing on his career...neways...

All i want to say is that this is something u really wanna give a shot at...and trust me, its not that difficult...just take it a little bit at a time and u will be through...and u have to have patience...and will...

Do keep writing....wud love to hear more from u...and dont worry, we are all here for u...

posted March 17, 2007 10:39 AM         

Some very wise advice you have recieved thus far---my 2cents worth...

Most women need intimacy and especially if you have moved from a big city to Elkhart, and your wife having no friends...she may be feeling even more isloated and alone than ever...

I understand you as I too need a hell of a lot of time alone----and I remain single for that very reason---would take a very special guy to deal with me!

However in marriage, it is give and take...

There is culture shock for her as well---Chicago to Elkhart??? The miles few, the culture VAST! I was born in South Bend, have family in Elkhart, Goshen, Syracuse and MI. I now reside in San Antonio, but visit my grandparents every summer so I am quite familiar with the area. Elkhart is a beautiful town---maybe you two could get out and experience your new culture together---a walk along the river perhaps, a visit to Amish country---What are HER interests, encourage her to find groups, people of common interests to her---children's activities???

Be supportive!!!

It is not easy for a wife to up and leave what she knows for her husband...

And do not forget to take care of yourself!!!

As has been suggested could you post yours and her birth info???

Very expereinced people here in astrology!

Blessings

posted March 17, 2007 12:00 PM         

Welcome to LL

You have my sympathies for your issue, and it took a *lot* of courage to post your personal woes, even if it is in the safety of a bunch of faceless strangers at an internet forum…..

I’ve known a few people who suffer intimacy issues similar to yours – who escape into some comfy solitary behavior rather than face being in the scary position of interacting in a deeply honest way with another human being.

I have a few questions, that you might want to answer honestly to/for yourself…..
What would be the worst that could happen if you opened a window/door in your wall and let your wife in?? She has already said that she will leave you and take your son if things don't change -- what do you have to lose by reaching out??
What exactly is it that you fear others might see/know about you if you let them behind your wall??

I read an exchange in a book, that has stuck with me for years, describing an unhappy marriage. The wife writes:
I tell him I’m lonely and he says, “I’m here almost every night. You have no reason to be lonely.” And I tell him that the lamp is there, too, and it takes more than a body in a chair with a newspaper in front of its face. It takes someone who knows you’re alive and is happy you’re there, who needs YOU to be there, to talk and to listen, to share with and laugh with, to make plans with and be crazy with. Someone who understands how you feel and thinks that how you feel is important.

I see the only hope of survival for your marriage is for you to learn to let down your defenses and share more of your Self. You love your wife and son – this is the most important relationship of your life. Hey, I have an idea! How about making a list. Write down some things that your wife doesn’t know about you, or strong feelings you have about something or someone that you have never expressed to her. Sit down with her after dinner every night when the baby’s asleep, and share one of those things and discuss it – and do not allow yourself to cut and run for your usual escape mechanisms. Tell her your plan of discussing an important issue with her every night, and stick to it. It takes practice, and the doing, to overcome fears. People who want to overcome fear of flying take airplane trips!

I hope that my observations are not too blunt and harsh – I’m passing on my thoughts and experiences in the hope that they help you. I have been in the position of your wife. My ex-partner was almost totally disconnected from me near the end of our relationship. I begged him to talk with me about his feelings, and share his problems so we could work on them together, but he would ignore me or tell me to go away and he’d watch TV. No one can tolerate that kind of neglect in a relationship for very long, so finally I took our year-old son and left him. He had a lot of worse issues than yours, but he wasn’t asking for help as you are. Do you understand how it might feel to your wife to be (what seems like) callously blown off and ignored while you’re reading a book or having a glass of wine and listening to music?? I don’t blame her for coming to this cusp – and you recognize it too – when you’re home with a baby all day you CRAVE interaction with an adult at night!! ;-D

Please let your wife know that you are seeking help and that you consider your behavior modification the most important thing in the world, next to her. If you think counseling might be an option, you can always call United Way and they will refer you to inexpensive therapists/counselors. Letting down your defenses is essential to saving your marriage, and I wish you both all the luck and healing that you can find.

Zala

PS: Since this is an astrology website, I’m wondering if you have some Venus/Saturn/Uranus aspects that are (temporarily) blocking you and providing this challenge for you to overcome….. will you be posting your birth stats??

posted March 18, 2007 04:08 PM         

Mystic Melody, I think that was a great idea...sometimes writing things can be a lot easier than saying them out loud...and since u like to spend time alone, I dont think u wud find it very difficult to write, as compared with saying things...u cud also write it as if u wr writing to some unknown person, rather than her...that wud allow the thoughts to flow more easily perhaps...