Posts: 694
From:
Registered: Jul 2006

posted March 21, 2007 05:19 PM         

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For the longest time I denied to myself what I instinctively knew all along. Pisces-boy and I were never gonna get it together, in fact to look at the hypothetical reality of what would happen if we had've gotten together was quite scary.
I always knew deep down it'd never happen I guess thats why whenever it seemed like it was finally going to I'd back away, switch off and usually tell him we couldn't see one another anymore.
And this was the person I had such intense feelings for, never felt so intensely and obsessively for anyone.
His family never would've been impressed had we've gotten together, mine either actually. I don't like his friends and he doesn't really have much to do with any of my friends. The longer we carried on the more put off him our mutual friends were actually. He would never have been involved in my childrens lives, he's great with kids but he's really just a big kid himself. He doesn't understand that they are the most important thing to me (he never met them and we never really talked about them). His drinking and extreme independance would have bothered me really quickly, it did even though we weren't actually together. We could never really talk intimately and were always very guarded with one another. I know exactly where he was coming from and it wasn't compatible with who I am, he would never have appreciated me and I'm pretty awesome in a lot of ways (so people who love me keep telling me anyway). We're both insecure and we fed each others insecurities, never supported each other to rise above them.
To imagine an actual functional relationship with him was always beyond me, especially with our lack of communication but I'd convinced myself if it happened we'd work it out although deep down I knew it wouldn't.

And all along reality has been staring me in the face and I've only occasionally glimpsed it. With the pisces I always felt if I wasn't around him or thinking of him all the time I'd lose him or lose my feelings for him (I lost him anyway but its no great loss in the end) with this other person I don't feel that way. I can go weeks without seeing or thinking about him yet when we do its such a comfortable and secure interaction it makes me glow. He knows exactly where I'm coming from, appreciates everything about me (even my nuttiness) and we can spend hours talking about all sorts of things.
I guess for a long time I was punishing myself with the pisces, using him to make myself feel like sh!t cos I felt pretty awful in general.
This other guy could not be more of a gentleman, for a long time I felt I didn't deserve him and I really don't right now I need to get my head screwed on right before I even look at another guy.
I don't have the obsessive need to be with him, but my time spent with him is always special. Seeing both him and the pisces in the one day always made me realise how incompatible pisces-boy and I were. I actually prefered to spend time with him over the pisces and would hang out with him even though the pisces would be begging to see me.
We just click in the nicest possible way and always have. We've always gotten along and shared private jokes at the expense of our best friends, even when we were both in serious relationships with other people.
Pisces has made me realise I'm just not ready for a relationship right now, neither is the other guy. Our exes really messed with our heads and its still affecting us, even if we don't always realise it.
I don't know if anything will happen there, but it is nice to see that I can have feelings for someone worthy of me who reciprocates- he more than reciprocates actually, he goes above and beyond listening to my bullsh!t when he could just ignore me. And my kids love him.
Reality isn't so bad and it hurts a hell of a lot less than obsessing over some jerk who really doesn't deserve it.

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Posts: 290
From: utah
Registered: Aug 2006

posted March 21, 2007 09:27 PM         

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AMEN SISTER.

i am HAPPY for you....!!

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Posts: 694
From:
Registered: Jul 2006

posted March 25, 2007 09:35 AM         

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Yeah its great to be back on earth instead of off in lalaland!

I can't have really loved the pisces, everytime he was gorgeous to me I'd push him away and tell him I didn't want to see him anymore. One night he sat there telling me how 'purty' I was and I told him how I could turn my eyelids inside out.
LMAO! Who does that???
So many things with the pisces are clear to me now. I had a big think about our 'relationship' and realised a few things. The big thing was I can relate every time I took him back or chased him to the exact timing some other really messed up episode in my life happened that I wasn't prepared to deal with, talk about hiding from reality! I merely used him to make me feel like crap cos I didn't want to deal with what was really bothering me.
The times he chased me and I denied him were times when nothing was going wrong in my life so I didn't need him to 'punish' me.
I feel bad I used him but obviously he played my game too and in the end was just plain awful. We never even talked about anything serious, just flirting really. The few times he started to talk to me I blocked him out and played dumb- certainly not the real me! I never told him anything about me or anything in my life other than the light and fluffy stuff you usually talk about on a first date.
His girlfriend is still with him, I'm kinda surprised but I know how persuasive he can be with his 'poor me' thing. I hope he learned something from the whole episode anyway. I didn't really want him but I wanted him on standby, and I know thats pretty harsh. The situation was just as unhealthy for him as it was for me, we're all much better off out of it. He's always know about the other guy, he hated it but I guess in the end he found someone he really clicked with too.

I've realised my special friend and I CAN (and do) talk and thats wonderful. He's awesome and we are just friends but who knows? We get each other and he's told me stuff his best friend was surprised he told me. His best friend is married to my best friend so we all talk anyway, just not on the level my friend and I do when its just us.
Did I mention he's seriously hot??? Lol
I've always had hot friends though, just none I've ever considered more than that. I don't think anything can happen, if it does it won't be for a LONG time until we've both sorted out some stuff.
Although if my kids and my ex have their way we'd be married in 6 months, lol. My daughter actually told me outta the blue today I should marry him. The kids haven't even seen him since xmas and his name hasn't been brought up in front of them for ages.
I had to laugh.
Being single is so good right now, I'm moving house thursday and have so much to do in the next few weeks its just not funny. No time to think about anything else, except for the snippets I write right here!

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